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A Message from Michele
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Re: Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6 [Re: Dtrmned] #2811924
09/11/18 11:41 PM
09/11/18 11:41 PM
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Posts: 333
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Dtrmned Offline OP
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Dtrmned  Offline OP
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Just looking for some input here.
How do I handle this thing?
I don't know if I should just ignore it, address it, did it happen months ago and she is not active now, was this recent, etc.


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

Re: Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6 [Re: Dtrmned] #2811989
09/12/18 12:39 PM
09/12/18 12:39 PM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 333
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Dtrmned Offline OP
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Dtrmned  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 333
Cadet,
Could you please delete my last 2 posts and this one as well.
Thank you.


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

Re: Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6 [Re: Dtrmned] #2811992
09/12/18 12:42 PM
09/12/18 12:42 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 3,420
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Posts: 3,420
Do you not want comments any more JS? I'd be glad to address.


M(49), W(50)
D(15)
M-19, T-21
Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017

No God, no peace. Know God, know peace.
Re: Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6 [Re: Dtrmned] #2812000
09/12/18 01:07 PM
09/12/18 01:07 PM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 333
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Dtrmned Offline OP
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Dtrmned  Offline OP
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Posts: 333
I do.
I know its weird. But this is really hitting me hard, even though I expected this long ago.
I just thought about it overnight and I would love comments, but it just seems to be such a very personal issue. A totally different dynamic playing into this. Was I a fool for our entire marriage? I don't think so. Was she hiding some hidden things? No. We talked about it very early on into dating and she always said she was attracted to women, just never wanted a relationship with them since they are all crazy. Seems things have changed over her adult life. I also think that this is just one way for her to rebel against everything. Society, her parents, me, everything. Thinking again overnight and this morning, it appears this went up shortly after she took her ring off. I don't know if that what she was referencing when she mentioned "she gets asked out all the time" or not. And this is only ONE site. There are countless others and who knows how many she is on. Thing is, it is still the same thing. She doesn't go out, she doesn't get dressed up for anything. She isn't doing anything.

She was very angry yesterday. I don't know why. Just let her have her space and moved on.


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

Re: Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6 [Re: Dtrmned] #2812004
09/12/18 01:24 PM
09/12/18 01:24 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 667
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Davide Offline
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Davide  Offline
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Why does the fact that is in the WSW section bother you? It seems from your messages that it bothers you more than if it had been in the WSM section. If she was always open about a certain sexual fluidity, then what does it matter? I think many women are more fluid in their sexuality than men.

That said, I get the pain of finding out that the W is looking around for other people - even if we suspected it before, when it is thrust into our faces for the first time, it stings. My W told me in person (4 months post BD) that she was casually dating, and it was a huge blow.

Is there a boundary that you have related to this? If she is actively looking around or dating do you want to continue with your current living situation? You can't control her desire to date, or even whether or not she dates, but you can protect yourself.


W 33 (MLC?) Me 41
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
Re: Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6 [Re: Dtrmned] #2812010
09/12/18 01:37 PM
09/12/18 01:37 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 3,420
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Okay, so first. I understand how you feel. I remember finding my W's online dating profile last January. It was especially hard because it was just 5 days after she started showing signs of wanting to stay in the MR.

I wouldn't fixate on the W4W/W4M thing. I will speak to the potential that she might be gay or bi in a minute, but reaching out to others, male or female, is still problematic. I know when my W's picture came up on the dating site, with a full dating profile, my heart dropped into my stomach. Up to then I didn't realize the depth of her waywardness, and only thought that my being so absent for so long had just opened up for someone else to swoop in. That she was actually actively out looking was a huge wake-up call. I found this this board about 3 weeks later and the term wayward stuck out to me like a sore thumb.

Is this is a big deal? I would say it is. Does it change what you should or shouldn't be doing? No.

I will say that if she is having bi and/or gay feelings then this could potentially speak to why she has been so depressed and withdrawn. Most WAWs feel some level of stuck. I would imagine that when it comes to sexuality, no matter what is causing her to question it, her feeling of being stuck must be off the chart. With being married, having kids, and feeling like you should be with the same sex, that has to be a struggle. I would encourage you, no matter what you decide, to give her the time and space to figure her stuff out.

Whether or not you confront is up to you. I confronted because this profile was very public, and our D (at the time 14) had no idea that there were any problems between us. When I confronted I was very firm, not sad or mopey, and stated that I felt it was disrespectful for her to have a public, full view, picture and all, dating profile. And that if she cared one iota about how our D found out about our potential split-up, she would take it down.

JS, hang in there buddy. I know this is a blow on multiple fronts, but it really doesn't change what you should be doing. Unless this is the final straw that makes you want to pull the plug. Otherwise keep on DBing. But think about what I said about how I confronted my W about her dating profile....especially with kids. Any of their friends' could end up seeing that profile, and then showing it to them.


M(49), W(50)
D(15)
M-19, T-21
Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017

No God, no peace. Know God, know peace.
Re: Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6 [Re: Dtrmned] #2812017
09/12/18 01:53 PM
09/12/18 01:53 PM
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Posts: 333
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Dtrmned Offline OP
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Davide, I hear you. The reason it means a little more is that due to her issues with men prior to me. Father abuse, rape, etc. she had/has a very bad view of men in her life. Until me. I USED to be the exception. It is just another cog in the wheel that may mean a longer road. And to be honest, I think if it were in the looking for men section it would have bothered me more.

Steve, she is definitely bi. So yes. Tons of issues that she will/would have to deal with and add in the dynamic of eventually our children having this to deal with as well. It is totally fine, but with everything else going on, just another big issue for them to attempt to understand.

I did just get an email from an apartment complex that my W was looking into. I have no idea why they had my number or called, but they wanted to know if I would be on the lease and how long our current lease was. I acted "in the loop" and just got the information and told them I would get back to them. It sounded like if I wasn't signing, she wouldn't get it. They mentioned they had talked to her yesterday afternoon so that may have been why she was so angry. The rent would have been almost what we pay now so I have no idea how she thinks she will accomplish this with no job, no income, etc. Maybe part of the future plans was dealt a blow yesterday.

As far as the ad. I am hurt by it clearly. One of our boundaries was that neither of us would date other people while we were in the home together with our children. I don't know if she has actually went on a date yet, but I guess she is getting ready. To confront or not that is the question.


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

Re: Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6 [Re: Dtrmned] #2812526
09/14/18 07:40 PM
09/14/18 07:40 PM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 333
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Dtrmned Offline OP
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Dtrmned  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 333
just curious how others have dealt with this:
W is so distant and far away (emotionally, physically, etc.). I am continuing to DB, but it just seems that this state is mind numbing and gets us further away from anything. Is that how this is supposed to feel?

I would still like input on the dating site ad. I have no idea if she has pursued it yet or if this was a one time thing she posted and then never followed up on. Of course, why would she have it up if she wasn't looking? I'm not a fool.
Just looking for input on these items.


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

Re: Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6 [Re: Dtrmned] #2812734
09/16/18 11:08 PM
09/16/18 11:08 PM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 333
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Dtrmned Offline OP
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Dtrmned  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 333
Everything blew up today.

Caught W on her dating app while on her phone. I couldn't' hold my tongue any longer.
I told her I wouldn't be disrespected like that. This turned into a 2 hour discussion.
We talked about almost everything, including the dating apps.
She swears she just "signed up" to check them out but wasn't seeing anyone. Almost believable except why are you still on them? Says she isn't interested nor looking for anyone. Asked to see her phone. She denied "on principal". HA

She said she was looking for places and would be out soon. I asked when, she said she didn't know. I asked what the range of rent was she was looking at and she said it was none of my business. I let that one go, but we went into talking and we both shared how we had responsibility for the fall of our marriage.

I emphasized how I don't want a D, My desire is to keep our family together and for us to grow old together. The last thing I asked is if she would do one last thing to just see if there was a possibility. I didn't use MWD by name, but mentioned the 2 day intensives she offers and how it is a great coaching plan to get us to look at our futures (and past) instead of the counseling methods. I did tell her what I learned which was that it was a solid 2 days and one person with us both. Some pre-work and then the sessions that happen over 2 days. She changed from an absolute "no" to an" I don't think so. I just don't see it".

I am just looking for some feedback on anyone who has been here before. All the emotions are back and this truly stinks.

Did I just blow all of my previous DB efforts?

Was there ever a chance to begin with?

Do we truly have to D for her to see and experience life without me (good or bad)?

We discussed a ton and I validated often. She said a few things like "I wish you were like this awhile ago". "I've noticed the changes and I like them, they are like the old you, I just don't trust them". We didn't bash each other too much and I did my best and thought before I spoke.

It's going to be a hard next few days as she says she is getting the mediator and moving it forward.

Best thing about it is that it was a calm, rational discussion and we didn't blow up at each other. I did cry once and saw her eyes tear up as well. We both talked how it was hard to trust either one since we don't talk anymore (I didn't throw in, "if you weren't on a dating site, that would be a great show of trust".

After reading all of the situations on here, the best I can determine is that my W is in an affair. If you are on dating sites actively, there is only one reason to do that. You don't "prospect" for what might be in 6 months. Same for getting her own place. Only reason you need that is to sleep with someone else. Period.

I am still baffled how she could be having an affair as she doesn't leave or isn't healthy enough to have any type of relationship. BUT, I cannot deny the facts are now there. She can deny all she wants.

I wanted to hold my tongue, but when I saw her on the dating site, I just couldn't and felt for myself I needed to address it.

Please help. I am a mess, I fear I royally screwed up and I just don't know what to do.


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

Re: Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6 [Re: Dtrmned] #2812739
09/16/18 11:47 PM
09/16/18 11:47 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 1,344
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LH19 Offline
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 1,344
JS,

Nah you didn't blow it but you are definitely prolonging it. You are try to using logic and reason with an emotional human being.

You are suffering right now because you can't accept the reality that she wants a D right now. You have to let her go if you want a chance to get her back. With her health problems you are more than likely to get another chance.

Unfortunately, until you accept that you will suffer immense pain.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:13 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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