One last piece of advice. The OM your coworker is not your friend. You should disconnect from him completely. That will make him far more uncomfortable than you confronting him. If you can move work spots away from him ask to do so. You need to treat him like a complete stranger. Don't be mean to him. Don't be rude to him. Don't confront him. Just treat him like he's doesn't exist. Over time you will start to feel it in your heart. You may have to act for the first while but acting turns into true feeling if you do it long enough. He will probably mention it to.you wife if she says anything about it deflect it. You're your own person you have the right to choose your friends and the people you care about.
I wish it was that simple. Maybe it's because we sit 3 feet from each other is what makes it so difficult. Unfortunately, the nature of our job, requires us to only interact throughout the day, but to also be able to cross-cover responsibilities. Plus, if I were to "cross him out", I'll be seen as not a team member, which may jeopardize my job. Something which is absolutely out of the question. At this point in my life, I'll give up my wife before I give up this job.
I told my wife today that I will talk to him on Monday about me being ok with them talking or meeting up occasionally. Because she claims that I have "scared them away from each other". But I will also make it a point to him (in a nice calm way) that if he even thinks of doing anything dumb, it will turn out to be a very costly proposition for him (he's married +3 and needs this job just as much as I do). Of course I didn't tell her I'm going to make that subtle threat part). I'm still trying to formulate the right way to say it. I don't want to come across in a threatening, assholish way, but I do want my message to be firm and and direct, so there are no misunderstandings.
If you or anyone here have an idea on how should say, I'd appreciate it.
Thank you for all the input. Appreciated.
No one said to stop doing your job responsibly. Do your job. Communicate as needed. Keep it to the point. Be professional. But keep it to work only. I would highly advise you not to say anything to him about it being ok or bring up anything to do with your wife. You need to break this cycle it's gone on way too long Matrix.
Go find female friends. Take her challenge. Do it. GAL. She knows she has you where she wants you right now that's why she's saying that. Accept her challenge. I guarantee when you do it will wake her up in a hurry Matrix.
OK... Question is: do I tell her that I'm going to meet <insert chick's name> here? Because she claims she doesn't even care to know. Meaning that if I make plans, I don't even need to let her know whom I'm going out with.
I'm just afraid she'll use it against me should it come down to a divorce. not necessarily as the mere cause for the divorce, but more so as a justification for her own actions. "if he does it, now I can finally do it with clear conscious".
You know what I mean?
Wish you and I could meet for a beer. Sounds like we have a lot in common. I wanted to send you a private message with my phone number so we can text (if you don't mind of course), but looks like both of us are newbies here on the forum, and PMs are disabled for the time being...
M (LBS): 41, W (WAS) : 40 M: 16Y, T: 22Y Kids: 11, 9, 9 A: since 2015 DB: since July 2017
One last piece of advice. The OM your coworker is not your friend. You should disconnect from him completely. That will make him far more uncomfortable than you confronting him. If you can move work spots away from him ask to do so. You need to treat him like a complete stranger. Don't be mean to him. Don't be rude to him. Don't confront him. Just treat him like he's doesn't exist. Over time you will start to feel it in your heart. You may have to act for the first while but acting turns into true feeling if you do it long enough. He will probably mention it to.you wife if she says anything about it deflect it. You're your own person you have the right to choose your friends and the people you care about.
I wish it was that simple. Maybe it's because we sit 3 feet from each other is what makes it so difficult. Unfortunately, the nature of our job, requires us to only interact throughout the day, but to also be able to cross-cover responsibilities. Plus, if I were to "cross him out", I'll be seen as not a team member, which may jeopardize my job. Something which is absolutely out of the question. At this point in my life, I'll give up my wife before I give up this job.
I told my wife today that I will talk to him on Monday about me being ok with them talking or meeting up occasionally. Because she claims that I have "scared them away from each other". But I will also make it a point to him (in a nice calm way) that if he even thinks of doing anything dumb, it will turn out to be a very costly proposition for him (he's married +3 and needs this job just as much as I do). Of course I didn't tell her I'm going to make that subtle threat part). I'm still trying to formulate the right way to say it. I don't want to come across in a threatening, assholish way, but I do want my message to be firm and and direct, so there are no misunderstandings.
If you or anyone here have an idea on how should say, I'd appreciate it.
Thank you for all the input. Appreciated.
No one said to stop doing your job responsibly. Do your job. Communicate as needed. Keep it to the point. Be professional. But keep it to work only. I would highly advise you not to say anything to him about it being ok or bring up anything to do with your wife. You need to break this cycle it's gone on way too long Matrix.
The problem is that dude is a funny, goofy, and very social, outgoing guy that everyone in the office loves. That's also part of the reason why my W finds him fun to be around. Meanwhile, I'm the introvert on the desk. If word comes out that something is not right between us, I'm afraid that I'll be the one who people think is the problem.
Ok, let's say I don't say a thing and minimize my interactions with him to bare minimums work related stuff only. Say, he grabs me one day and asks 'what's the matter? Is everything ok?' - what should be my answer to him?
M (LBS): 41, W (WAS) : 40 M: 16Y, T: 22Y Kids: 11, 9, 9 A: since 2015 DB: since July 2017
You don't have to tell her anything. "Going out with a friend see you later". That's it. Be polite and respectful. She might press you. Just go. Don't let her drag into a confrontation.
As far as the coworker who cares if he's the office good guy. He's a problem in your marriage. Who cares what people think. Find your value. Find your confidence. If he asks you what's up just smile and say "nothing evreythings great". It seems you're struggling with your confidence bud. That's going to keep pushing your wife away. Are you more interested in solving you're marriage problems or worried about what people at the office think? As long as you're courteous and respectful and in good spirits no one will think anything less of you.
You don't have to tell her anything. "Going out with a friend see you later". That's it. Be polite and respectful. She might press you. Just go. Don't let her drag into a confrontation.
As far as the coworker who cares if he's the office good guy. He's a problem in your marriage. Who cares what people think. Find your value. Find your confidence. If he asks you what's up just smile and say "nothing evreythings great". It seems you're struggling with your confidence bud. That's going to keep pushing your wife away. Are you more interested in solving you're marriage problems or worried about what people at the office think? As long as you're courteous and respectful and in good spirits no one will think anything less of you.
She doesn't even care to know. She'd never ask. All I have to say is "I'm going out", and she'll genuinely smile and say "great, enjoy!" she never probed, certainly not since [censored] has gone sour between us. She's treating me like the way she wants me to treat her - free space, and freedom to hang out with whomever we choose.
As far as the OM, on one hand I want to show confidence and keep the cards close to my chest. On the other hand I feel that if I don't at least tell him that I know what the [censored] is going on, I'll be taken for a clueless, ignorant, sucker fool.
Not sure if you've read through the whole thread, but him and his wife are also friends of ours outside of work. It's not an IF question, but rather a WHEN question where we will need to get together with the kids at some point. If I refuse for such get-together the wife will get validation in the form of "see? I knew you haven't moved in from this, and think/assume I'm up to something inappropriate with him".
The fact that I know him personally, both as a friend and a co-worker complicates things for me to no end. I'm reading about all the A's people here are dealing with, and I'm so jealous of all of you who don't know the OM/OW, and never have to cross paths with them. While, here I am, having to go to work every day, sit 3ft way from him, and interact with this guy who only god knows what he does with my wife (could be nothing, could be everything). I mean, every time he picks up his phone at work to text, I wonder "is he talking to her again???" when I'm home I have to witness her sitting on her goddamn phone, texting to no end, and then at work I sit next to the guy and see him on his phone as well. It's like no matter where I am, I just can't get away from this [censored].
Last edited by Matrix5; 09/09/1803:40 AM.
M (LBS): 41, W (WAS) : 40 M: 16Y, T: 22Y Kids: 11, 9, 9 A: since 2015 DB: since July 2017
Good day. Went out for a run. Came back, we went for some errands in the city. On the way back, W, out of nowhere mentioned about a conversation she had with one of her female friends in which her friend told her, her H has zero issues with her having male friends and that if he doesn't like it he is free to leave...
I said I had no issues with it either as long as nothing funny is going on (mistake in hindsight). W took it as a passive-aggressive comment directed at her and OM. To which I had to explained again that I've moved on from this bullshit and encouraged her to try me out by telling me whenever she speaks, chats, or goes out to meet him (another rookie mistake). She didn't commit to doing so, just said it didn't matter because they don't talk anymore because of me (confirmed lie). Came home prepared lunch together, had lunch with the kids, then worked together on a household budget like she asked. Watched some TV in the evening. W went to sleep shortly thereafter, while I stayed up on the DB forum to refuel my mind.
Another successful day (other than those 2 small mistakes) of detachment and giving zero fucks about her A. I'm better than that, better than her morally, and have better and more important things to do and think about than this crap - like GALing and 180ing. I don't need to lie, hide, or be doing anything inappropriate. It's her predicament and a choice she made. I'm moving on. She can choose to join the trip or simply jump off this train...
#GAL #180 #DB #DetachYourself #AnotherGoodDay
Last edited by Matrix5; 09/09/1803:55 AM.
M (LBS): 41, W (WAS) : 40 M: 16Y, T: 22Y Kids: 11, 9, 9 A: since 2015 DB: since July 2017
The old bachelor saying is that "friends" are just girls you haven't slept with yet. For as long as you've let this go on, I'd bet they slept together.
"Friends" of the opposite sex are by and large inappropriate for married people and lead to human stupidity.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Matrix you need to decide if its more important to sort out your marriage or to maintain your friendship with the guy having an A with your wife. If you don't take action this might go on for years.
Matrix you need to decide if its more important to sort out your marriage or to maintain your friendship with the guy having an A with your wife. If you don't take action this might go on for years.
I hear ya pal. Just trying to figure out how to respond should co-worker sense something is wrong. Should I let him know what's on my mind, or just keep on dismissing him? Issue at hand is that I don't want to come across as anti social when the time comes to get together with him and his wife. I can't tell my wife that I'm ok with her outings and perfectly secure and comfortable with her having friends from the opposite sex, while at the same time tell her I refuse to socialize with them (OM & his wife and kids) because I think my W and him are having an A. Something which I've tried to play down as not something I care to not acknowledge out of pure indifference.
To my W, I'm trying to come across as believing her and giving her the benefit of the doubt. But it's not something she buys for the time being (mainly because I've shown in the past that it bothered me). Not that I care anymore what she thinks on whether I belive her or not, but every time I've raised suspicion or accused her, she got defensive and accusatory, telling me that this is why this marriage doesn't work... Because there's no trust between us, and we might as well go our separate ways. The problem is, as I've mentioned above, I can't afford a divorce at this point and I care about the kids wellfare. So for now I'm stuck in this dead end and am trying DBing/180/GAL.
thoughts?
M (LBS): 41, W (WAS) : 40 M: 16Y, T: 22Y Kids: 11, 9, 9 A: since 2015 DB: since July 2017
