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Originally Posted by Matrix5
Also, going dark is not an option for me. My wife is an extrovert. I'm an introvert. She claims that one of my minuses is that we never talk. I've always been a man of few words, whereas she's a person who loves to talk. If I go dark on her, she takes it as if something is wrong. Regardless of the facade I put up on my face. The moment I start ignoring her verbally, she senses something is wrong, that I don't want to talk to her, and that just pisses her off even more.

One of the rules was to be a man of few words. Let her do the talking. In my case however, that won't work. If I want to fix my marriage, I need to show not only happiness and content, but also the ability to converse with her.


Matrix I disagree somewhat on what you said here. I am an introvert as well and my wife is an extrovert. When I stopped pursuing and worked on GAL and I mean truly worked on it something changed inside of me. It was only when I accepted that my marriage had failed and my wife wanted a divorce that I was able to set things into motion. She was and could still be having an EA I confronted her, told her I knew and told her I have nothing more.to say on it and went on my merry way. I detached myself emotionally, I stopped snooping because let's face it what does it matter? You already know? Why keep torturing yourself? Why keep confronting? From what I read it's obvious. Now when I said I pulled back it doesn't mean I was rude or hateful or gave her any reason to ask me what's wrong, although she does from time to time, I just say "nothing" and smile and carry on. I was still respectful I still communicated but I gave her space I didn't bring things up that would create conflict. And it helped a lot she started bringing things up. I listened. I didn't turn around and start dumping. I didn't ask questions that were prying I just let things flow. And it's working for me this far. So please for your sake accept your relationship as it was is finished. You need a new relationship. You need to get to the bottom of why she's not attracted to you and change. No woman is attracted to a man who has lost confidence. Going that long without intimacy is absolutely not ok. I know its not easy but concede and accept what's happening and let her go and do it for your sake. What happens when you actually do might surprise you.

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Originally Posted by Matrix5

I asked her one more time to be open about it. That I promised her last year that I no longer care if she hangs out or talks to him, just be open about it. Let me know if she goes out to meet him, tell me. I asked her to give me a shot and try it out to see the response she gets from me.... time will tell, she seemed hesitant... she kept on saying that it doesn't matter because she doesn't see or talk to him anymore (lie) because I scared both of them. Of course I wanted to call her out on her lie, but I bit my tongue. Instead I said, "ok, in the case you choose to renew your friendship, I'm ok with it, just be open and forthcoming with me. She was hesitant, kept on saying they don't meet or talk anymore, and that it's hard for her to just take my word for it, because I've promised to be ok about it in the past, and yet kept on accusing her of doing different things with him behind my back.


Another thing Matrix you should stop engaging in her games. If she's lying, and you know she's lying, just say "look we both know that's not true but I don't want to talk about it" and shut it down. Go to another room and get busy. Go for a walk. Go clean the garage. When you say that and shut the door she may try persue you and continue denying it. Thats a guilt reaction. Either get away from her or change the subject. Tell her a funny story from your day. Bring up something about the kids. Engaging her in something you already know to he fact is sucking your emotional batteries dry. Trust me on that.

Last edited by paulzee; 09/09/18 12:33 AM.
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One last piece of advice. The OM your coworker is not your friend. You should disconnect from him completely. That will make him far more uncomfortable than you confronting him. If you can move work spots away from him ask to do so. You need to treat him like a complete stranger. Don't be mean to him. Don't be rude to him. Don't confront him. Just treat him like he's doesn't exist. Over time you will start to feel it in your heart. You may have to act for the first while but acting turns into true feeling if you do it long enough. He will probably mention it to.you wife if she says anything about it deflect it. You're your own person you have the right to choose your friends and the people you care about.

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Originally Posted by paulzee
Originally Posted by Matrix5
Also, going dark is not an option for me. My wife is an extrovert. I'm an introvert. She claims that one of my minuses is that we never talk. I've always been a man of few words, whereas she's a person who loves to talk. If I go dark on her, she takes it as if something is wrong. Regardless of the facade I put up on my face. The moment I start ignoring her verbally, she senses something is wrong, that I don't want to talk to her, and that just pisses her off even more.

One of the rules was to be a man of few words. Let her do the talking. In my case however, that won't work. If I want to fix my marriage, I need to show not only happiness and content, but also the ability to converse with her.


Matrix I disagree somewhat on what you said here. I am an introvert as well and my wife is an extrovert. When I stopped pursuing and worked on GAL and I mean truly worked on it something changed inside of me. It was only when I accepted that my marriage had failed and my wife wanted a divorce that I was able to set things into motion. She was and could still be having an EA I confronted her, told her I knew and told her I have nothing more.to say on it and went on my merry way. I detached myself emotionally, I stopped snooping because let's face it what does it matter? You already know? Why keep torturing yourself? Why keep confronting? From what I read it's obvious. Now when I said I pulled back it doesn't mean I was rude or hateful or gave her any reason to ask me what's wrong, although she does from time to time, I just say "nothing" and smile and carry on. I was still respectful I still communicated but I gave her space I didn't bring things up that would create conflict. And it helped a lot she started bringing things up. I listened. I didn't turn around and start dumping. I didn't ask questions that were prying I just let things flow. And it's working for me this far. So please for your sake accept your relationship as it was is finished. You need a new relationship. You need to get to the bottom of why she's not attracted to you and change. No woman is attracted to a man who has lost confidence. Going that long without intimacy is absolutely not ok. I know its not easy but concede and accept what's happening and let her go and do it for your sake. What happens when you actually do might surprise you.


Thanks Paul

What was the end result of your detachment? Where do you stand now with your wife now? Where does she stand with her OM?


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Originally Posted by paulzee
Originally Posted by Matrix5

I asked her one more time to be open about it. That I promised her last year that I no longer care if she hangs out or talks to him, just be open about it. Let me know if she goes out to meet him, tell me. I asked her to give me a shot and try it out to see the response she gets from me.... time will tell, she seemed hesitant... she kept on saying that it doesn't matter because she doesn't see or talk to him anymore (lie) because I scared both of them. Of course I wanted to call her out on her lie, but I bit my tongue. Instead I said, "ok, in the case you choose to renew your friendship, I'm ok with it, just be open and forthcoming with me. She was hesitant, kept on saying they don't meet or talk anymore, and that it's hard for her to just take my word for it, because I've promised to be ok about it in the past, and yet kept on accusing her of doing different things with him behind my back.


Another thing Matrix you should stop engaging in her games. If she's lying, and you know she's lying, just say "look we both know that's not true but I don't want to talk about it" and shut it down. Go to another room and get busy. Go for a walk. Go clean the garage. When you say that and shut the door she may try persue you and continue denying it. Thats a guilt reaction. Either get away from her or change the subject. Tell her a funny story from your day. Bring up something about the kids. Engaging her in something you already know to he fact is sucking your emotional batteries dry. Trust me on that.


I hear you. I gave both her and myself my word that I will not bring him up anymore in any shape or form. She was the one to tell me today about her female (married) friend who has male friends and her husband is OK with it, too which I simply replied with "sure, that shouldn't be a problem as long as nothing inappropriate is going on". She took it as a passive-aggressive comment directed at her. But both her and I know that she told me that story so as to show that unlike ME, other man are ok with their spouses having friends of the opposite sex. So I simply addressed that point to show that I'm ok with it as well, so long as it doesn't get sexual.

For the record, she's all for me to find friends of both sexes, not only males. She has no problem with me talking to other women or going out for drinks. She genuinely doesn't give 2 shits about stuff like that. She sees nothing wrong with it. She's very confident and have always claimed she knows her worth and if I think I can find someone better than her, then by all means, I'm free to walk away.

But to your point, yes, I have stopped bringing him up as of 2 weeks ago. I'm done obsessing over this [censored]. I have set my mind under the assumption that this marriage is over. I'm only in it it for the kids at this point and simply because I can't afford a divorce (from a financial standpoint). Going forward I will be working on bettering myself and use my wife as a mere guinea pig for my next relationship. If my GAL and 180 do the magic and resurrect this marriage, great. If not, at least I've practiced and improved relationship skills on my wife so I can be a better partner for the next woman who comes into my life.


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We are slowly solving things. She is attracted to me again sex is back on the table. As far as her EA she has brought it up and said she has no real interest in the guy. Perhaps she was getting something out of it she wasn't getting from me. Is it still going on? She said it's not. Do I know that with 100 percent certainty? I do not. I have no desire to snoop either. As far as I'm concerned he's not half the man I am. I am now secure with myself. If she did choose to divorce me for this guy I would give them 6 months tops, it would be a rebound to less, and I have a whole life waiting out there for me to live without her if that's what she chose. I love my wife and want my marriage but I can only make my own choices.

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Originally Posted by paulzee
One last piece of advice. The OM your coworker is not your friend. You should disconnect from him completely. That will make him far more uncomfortable than you confronting him. If you can move work spots away from him ask to do so. You need to treat him like a complete stranger. Don't be mean to him. Don't be rude to him. Don't confront him. Just treat him like he's doesn't exist. Over time you will start to feel it in your heart. You may have to act for the first while but acting turns into true feeling if you do it long enough. He will probably mention it to.you wife if she says anything about it deflect it. You're your own person you have the right to choose your friends and the people you care about.


I wish it was that simple. Maybe it's because we sit 3 feet from each other is what makes it so difficult. Unfortunately, the nature of our job, requires us to only interact throughout the day, but to also be able to cross-cover responsibilities. Plus, if I were to "cross him out", I'll be seen as not a team member, which may jeopardize my job. Something which is absolutely out of the question. At this point in my life, I'll give up my wife before I give up this job.

I told my wife today that I will talk to him on Monday about me being ok with them talking or meeting up occasionally. Because she claims that I have "scared them away from each other". But I will also make it a point to him (in a nice calm way) that if he even thinks of doing anything dumb, it will turn out to be a very costly proposition for him (he's married +3 and needs this job just as much as I do). Of course I didn't tell her I'm going to make that subtle threat part). I'm still trying to formulate the right way to say it. I don't want to come across in a threatening, assholish way, but I do want my message to be firm and and direct, so there are no misunderstandings.

If you or anyone here have an idea on how should say, I'd appreciate it.

Thank you for all the input. Appreciated.


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Originally Posted by Matrix5

I hear you. I gave both her and myself my word that I will not bring him up anymore in any shape or form. She was the one to tell me today about her female (married) friend who has male friends and her husband is OK with it, too which I simply replied with "sure, that shouldn't be a problem as long as nothing inappropriate is going on". She took it as a passive-aggressive comment directed at her. But both her and I know that she told me that story so as to show that unlike ME, other man are ok with their spouses having friends of the opposite sex. So I simply addressed that point to show that I'm ok with it as well, so long as it doesn't get sexual.

For the record, she's all for me to find friends of both sexes, not only males. She has no problem with me talking to other women or going out for drinks. She genuinely doesn't give 2 shits about stuff like that. She sees nothing wrong with it. She's very confident and have always claimed she knows her worth and if I think I can find someone better than her, then by all means, I'm free to walk away.

But to your point, yes, I have stopped bringing him up as of 2 weeks ago. I'm done obsessing over this [censored]. I have set my mind under the assumption that this marriage is over. I'm only in it it for the kids at this point and simply because I can't afford a divorce (from a financial standpoint). Going forward I will be working on bettering myself and use my wife as a mere guinea pig for my next relationship. If my GAL and 180 do the magic and resurrect this marriage, great. If not, at least I've practiced and improved relationship skills on my wife so I can be a better partner for the next woman who comes into my life.


What she said her friend told her is a bullshit rationalization. Most men don't mind male friends if it's done in groups ie co-workers going out for happy hour with a mix of people. I doubt her friend talked so ignorantly about it unless she has some sort of open marriage agreement. For a married woman to be spending time and talking daily to another man is weird and reeks of EA and maybe even PA. If it wasn't weird you would be allowed into that relationship. She wouldn't lie about it. She would talk openly about it and invite you along for the ride.

Stop telling her and promising her what you're going to do. Stop explaining it to her. She says " I think it's ok to have male friends" just say ok and go do something else. Or leave her vicinity. Stop telling her you're going to stop talking about it as long as she's honest. You are setting conditions and that's controlling and she will rebel. Actions are key. Simply stop talking about it. You don't have to tell her you are going to stop talking about it because you fail at that it breaks things down. Actions. Not words. Let he go give her free reign you can't control people. You ever seen that film no country for old men when the uncle tells Tommy Lee Jones "you can't stop what's coming, it ain't all waitin on you, that's vanity". That's the truth about things. You can't force your will on anyone.

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Originally Posted by paulzee
We are slowly solving things. She is attracted to me again sex is back on the table. As far as her EA she has brought it up and said she has no real interest in the guy. Perhaps she was getting something out of it she wasn't getting from me. Is it still going on? She said it's not. Do I know that with 100 percent certainty? I do not. I have no desire to snoop either. As far as I'm concerned he's not half the man I am. I am now secure with myself. If she did choose to divorce me for this guy I would give them 6 months tops, it would be a rebound to less, and I have a whole life waiting out there for me to live without her if that's what she chose. I love my wife and want my marriage but I can only make my own choices.


Strong words my friend, amen to that, and I'll raise a toast for you!


If you don't mind me asking:

1. How old are you guys?
2. How long married?
3. Kids?
4. How did you find out about the A? Was it EA or PA?
5. How long did it last?
6. Was there anything specific that caused the A to end? Was it your GAL/180? something happened between W and OM?

Thank you very much


Last edited by Matrix5; 09/09/18 01:50 AM.

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Go find female friends. Take her challenge. Do it. GAL. She knows she has you where she wants you right now that's why she's saying that. Accept her challenge. I guarantee when you do it will wake her up in a hurry Matrix.

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