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I'm new and this is my first post.. I wish I had found this site at BD, I have done everything that is said NOT to do..

My H and I have been married for over 30 years and I was BD in 2015, learning my H had gone out and met a younger woman and after being with her for only a few months was in love with her and had to be with her.. OW knew from the start he is married..H stayed in our home for a few months but decided he could not take my pressure for him to end it with OW so he left and moved in with her.. they have been together now for 40 months and have lived together 35 months.. I have begged, questioned, shown anger, constantly texted him each and every day
etc..and have only succeeded in pushing H further away from me.

H no longer sees me ( I have not seen him in 2 years) and does not initiate communication with me at all now. My last communication with him was 2 weeks ago via text about bills which turned into an argument.. he said he could not stand me and if I continued to come at him he would block me and have no further contact with me at all..he said I needed to stop coming at him, stop wearing him out , if I could just put down my weapons and stay off my phone.. I have not had contact with him since..

He has not filed for divorce and if I bring it up he either becomes angry , verbally abusive or just shuts down completely..

So I have done everything wrong from the start.. I have both books now DB and DR.. and I have joined this site, and found a therapist for betrayed spouses...

I need help and encouragement in this...

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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why15, we all make those mistakes until we find DB. I know this has been so hard for and on you. I got lucky and found DB early, but my actions were exactly like yours until I did.

So all I can say is that we are here to help and support. Unfortunately our lives have people in them that are selfish and just don't care about doing the right thing. And it causes us pain, which seems unfair. But it is an unfair world. Please know that most of us know your pain, and we wish we could change it for everyone going through it.

I will keep you in my prayers. Keep your chin up it will get better, no matter what!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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why15 Offline OP
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@Steve85 , Thank you for reaching out.. I have felt so alone in this craziness and making mistake after mistake .

I am committed to doing all I can to turn this situation around and restore my marriage . I feel my H is going through a lot of things and I understand after reading the books that I have not helped in my reactions..i know I am not responsible for his relationship with OW, that was his free will and his choice... but I have not handled things well from my end..

I have not heard from him in 2 weeks but I am determined to stay far back and not initiate any communication.. I will let him contact me when he is ready.. I have to go about this in a totally different way now as nothing I have done has worked and only made things worse..at this point I feel he has erased me and is simply living with OW openly and publicly as if I do not exist .. and what blows my mind is that he has not filed for divorce in all this time..

I am working on myself.. realizing the part I played in our marriage, taking ownership for my part.. ( I was controlling )
I am getting out more often to do things, meeting new people, attending church, hired a personal trainer and going to the gym regularly …

I am overcome at times with the feeling that i have simply pushed him so far away , that there is no chance of him coming home..

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Maybe and maybe not. Once you focus on you and get moving in the right direction he may come back. You never know. There are lots of sitches where the WAS has returned even many years after D.

There is always hope.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Even though I have a few plans this weekend with friends I am still going into a second weekend without one word from my H.. It has been hard to not reach for my phone and send him a text.. but I know it is the worst thing I could do right now.. he wants to be left alone and I want to respect that..

There is apart of me that feels this is it.. the final cut, he will vanish from my life completely .. I have not seen him in almost 2 years and now no communication at all...

I am going to the movies with a friend tomorrow night.. then a winery tasting with a social group on Sunday ...I am busy, but I miss my H... it hurts so much to be rejected and completely ignored...

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Hi M(r)s. Why,

your H is way out there. Over 3 years with another woman and no separation, no divorce? Do y'all have kids? Why is he so scared of divorce?

Since you have a goal of a relationship with him one day, I hope you get it.

How often have you been in contact with him in the last few years? And was the communication friendly? Has he known you will always be there?

I'd start with Cadet's links and keep giving us info. You need to really detach yourself from his craziness and get strong for yourself. Until then, you won't have a clear mind and heart. What do you do for fun? Any good GAL activities?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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why15 Offline OP
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Thank you ovrrnbw, I am a MRS. WE have 1 adult daughter that he has nothing to do with either. she basically has told him she does not agree with what he is doing and its wrong but that she loves him and hopes he comes home . because she is standing her ground and following her morals he has nothing to do with her and blames her as well for making things worse. our daughter went to OWs house when it all came out and told OW that he is married and that we were still sleeping in the same bed, and that I loved him ans wanted to save our marriage.. OW just looked at our daughter and said she loved him ( she had known him for 2 months ) and that all this was up to him...I had no idea daughter confronted OW til after the fact..

I have no idea why he does not want a divorce..i have asked if it is because of money and he says no. my H is in his mid fifties and OW is mid thirties ( OW is our daughters age)
H said if I divorced him for adultery I would only be doing it to get revenge and be vindictive..nothing he says makes any sense.

H is living with OW ( they were living in her small condo but a few months ago "SHE" bought a huge house in the country, they live about an hour away from me now. he says he did not give her any money for it ( she owns her own business)
He started a new job during our separation ( so no one he works with knows me or knows anything about me ) he has taken her to every Company event/party/charity , his family embrace OW and her 7 yr old son ( from her previous marriage) knowing that we are not divorced or even legally separated..
The entire situation is sick and twisted...

This has been going on with her long enough for him to know if he wants to live the rest of his life with her so it makes no sense to not go and file for divorce, and you would think OW would put her foot down and tell him to end it with me, I have truly never heard nor seen anything like this..

I do many things for fun, I garden, draw, read, I love the outdoors.. things I am doing now that I did not do before are getting out with friends at least once a week, attending church on a regular basis, joined several womens groups, volunteer , travel more..so I am not sitting around the house waiting for him to come home.but I do miss him and our family and all the things we did..

He has refused to see me for almost 2 years now and up til last fall he would only initiate communication with me via text..last fall OW saw a text message on his phone from me and they had a argument over it and he has not initiated contact with me since..now that I have stopped contacting him there is no communication at all.. which is why I feel this is finally it and he will disappear from my life for good..

I just do not know if this can be turned around at this point.. 3 years is a long time ..

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the tone of our communication up to this point has been back and forth.. sometimes pleasant and cordial ( on both ends ) and sometimes angry and volatile ( on both ends ) I have told him from the start that I want to work this out and save our marriage.. I have told him I love him and that he is missed.. I have been loving, kind and patient ..I have lost my temper with him over things he has done and voiced my opinion to him...

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The changes I am making in me for me..

I have a therapist that works with betrayed spouses and I meet with her weekly

I have joined a support group for betrayed spouses and meet with them weekly

I have hired a personal trainer to work with me at the gym a few times a week to keep me motivated on getting in shape .

I have joined a ladies group at church and take part in activities and volunteer.

I joined a social group for women only that has a full calendar each month and I try and do 2 things each month with this group.

I had been texting my H none stop over the last 2 years and I have now stopped .. its been 2 weeks since I initiated any contact with him and I have not heard anything from him..

I do not look at anything on social media that would cause me to see anything he/ow are doing

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