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#2810398 09/03/18 06:53 PM
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Hi all,

I wanted to post my story as I'm currently lost and very hurt on what has happened to me.

I met my wife over 6 years ago while travelling. She was from another country compared to me, but from the same continent. The moment I saw her, i knew she was special and the most beautiful woman. I never experienced a feeling like that before. We both were single and had been hurt before from previous relationships.

I'm 35, shes now 32. After spending a few wonderful days together where we got to know each other and made love, she needed to go back home. For the next few months, we stayed in touch as an LDR, as i was working in this country until I returned to my home country. During that time we skyped and messaged and fell in love with each other as we got closer. It was intense Around the time I came home, she began to get cold and distant and disappeared. I was very sad, as i had returned home to try and start a new life with her.

A pattern started for almost 1.5 years, of her coming back and leaving me again and we would meet up randomly.
She told me that sometimes had depression and didn't know what was wrong with her, including "I want to be alone, I can't be with anyone right now". Many times she would want to see me, book flights then cancel at the last minute. Around the same time, I found out she was seeing another guy, who was suffering from depression. I was hurt but accepted it. However, she always kept in touch, telling me she was helping him and it wasn't a sexual relationship. I started to go no contact and try and move on with my life

I had a very tough few years when I came home, as my very best friend had died tragically of cancer in 2014 at the age of 30. After the death, she told me she wanted to be with me for good and to give her one more chance. She apologised for her behaviour, told me it was so hard for her to make a decision and leave her country. I didn't want to move to her country, as i felt she was too wishy-washy for the past 2 years and wanted her to prove her commitment and love to me. She moved over to my country to begin a new life. I was ecstatic and felt she was finally ready to commit to a full relationship and live with me. When she moved over, it was so exciting, passionate and fun. We enjoyed visiting places together, nice restaurants, attending weddings etc. However, after a few months, I noticed some patterns, of where she had a lot of anxiety, stress and sadness. Also, there was an incident of self-harm (cutting her wrist) after a small fight, also an attempted suicide one night where she left a note. I found her walking along the motorway outside our apartment and brought her home. I didn't know what was wrong, was it a cry for help, or attention? I wrapped her in my arms and put her to bed and cuddled her for the night. She didn't know what she was doing, perhaps she had too much wine or was just in a dark place that winter. I brought her to therapy, however, she didn't keep it up.

She was never happy with how her body looked, even though i always told her she was attractive and looked beautiful. I understood this was a new country for her and she missed her home. I started learning her language and said, never say never. That we could move, however, let's save some money first and see what happens. i helped her get a job and put her on her feet. She made friends through her work, who were usually single and all pretty "out there". Which is fine, as i never had a problem with her friends, or who she hung out with. However, none were really in long relationships, married or planning their futures. They all seemed like leaves on the wind. In 2015, we went for a nice weekend's trips away and showed her the best of my country. I did feel I was doing a lot of the work (cooking, cleaning etc), while she did a little laundry etc. This didn't bother me, as I like to cook and it relaxed me.

At the end of 2015, we got engaged. She was so happy when I asked her and started to cry. I felt we had turned a corner. We both were so excited and nervous. As we went into 2016, while interested in the wedding, most of the planning was done by her parents and myself. She seemed a little uninterested, and more focused on her friends. As the summer came along, she was getting a lot of anxiety and not sure if she was really ready for marriage etc? I didn't pressure her, however as the closer the wedding came, she seems very uneasy. We made it up the aisle had a beautiful wedding and reception, with friends and family. After the wedding, that October she became sad again and down. I brought her for more therapy and hoped this would help.

We were both living in a small apartment in a big city, looking for our next big break and where to go in our lives. We talked about having a family and out next steps. That autumn, I was offered a high paying job in another city. When I told her the news and the money they were offering, she jumped in my arms and we made love right there. She seemed so happy.

I felt leaving the big city for a smaller one, near the sea with beautiful walks and restaurants/cafes and more relaxed friendly atmosphere, would help her and cheer her up more. We could save a lot more money, even by the house we always wanted. Last year, we moved to the new city. Found a large apartment, with more space. She loved it. I bought a new car and gave her one also, so she could have more independence. Soon she also got a new Job, which she finally loved and thrived in. She finally had a job she really loved.

As 2017 progressed, our holidays would often be spent with her family. As she only had a certain amount of paid leave. I never had a problem, as I loved her family, country and culture. They would also come and visit us. Through the years we became very close and they always loved and respected me, as they knew I treated their daughter well. She would always tell her family, how happy she was with me, how good of a husband I was and she wanted to make me happy.

Her relationship with my family was different, sometimes warm, sometimes cold. They tried to become close with her, but then she would pull away. I introduced her to a lot of my friends and their GF's. While she liked them she never bonded too deeply. She didn't find them interesting enough. So again, her new job, she made new friends, all the same pattern. Single, not really in any happy relationships or big plans for the future.

As last summer rolled around, she wanted to start trying for a family. We did our best and finally that October, she was pregnant. I never saw her as happy and beautiful. She had told her mom so many times, she wanted to be a mother and give me that gift of a child. We were so happy and excited, nervous. Sadly, it wasn't to last, as by early December, we were told it was a miscarriage. We were both devastated and numb. Last Christmas, we spent time with her family. It was sad but promised we wouldn't give up and 2018 would be brighter.

My first year in this new job was tough, it was much more pressure for me and i felt i was spinning plates. Each evening, i would collect my wife from work, start cooking the supper and do the washup. I wanted to do everything i could she could relax and not dwell on the miscarriage. Her hobbies were basic, her phone, playing games on her phone, reading books etc. This is fine, but often i asked if we could do more stuff together during the week, besides, sitting around after a long day, watching Netflix. Being fair, she asked me the same things, which sometimes i didn't find too interesting.

During the weekends, we would always get out, go for nice walks by sea and talk about our lives and goals. We went to nice restaurants at the weekend and i still felt we were both very much in love, considering all our ups and downs. We were both ambitious and wanted to have the best life we could together. Then in February 2018, we found out she was pregnant again. We were both nervous, as it was so soon after the previous miscarriage. However this time, it was much worse. It dragged on unnecessarily for almost 2 months, where the hospital didn't know for sure if the status of the 2nd miscarriage. They mentioned a molar pregnancy, however, after 2 operations, they were able to rectify the problem. This was a very traumatic, angry and sad phase for us both. Many trips into the hospitals, blood tests to check her hormone level, and no proper answers. After it was over, she was a shell. I felt so helpless as a husband, we cried together and i hugged her so much. I went into my own shell and didn't really know how to cope. I made sure to talk to her, however, she didn't want to get any therapy and wanted to forget about it. This was a mistake however, she wouldn't go besides one session with the hospital.

I handled the miscarriages, like most men. We are just so sad for our wives, while our wives are saying "why aren't you sad for our baby!" i was..... still am. I tried being the best husband as i could. Make the apartment nice and relaxing after work, gentle music and me doing the housework and cooking.

I would hold her hand and hug her. We would still make love, but i never pressured her. I knew it was sensitive and thought of another miscarriage terrified her. I did my best to be there for her, let her cry on my arms when she needed too.

Then last May, we went for a beautiful romantic holiday (no family) together. It was the first time we had been away together like this in ages. It breathed new life into us, considering our previous 6 months.

However, as May came to a close. Everything changed.

We got mortgage approval finally in June and had saved enough money, that we could put a deposit on a house. We both were very excited, looking at houses together and dreaming of our future. We found a perfect house by the sea, she was already imagining her family coming over and perhaps one day our own family.

Around mid-June, her attitude started to change. She began to withdraw, started getting colder and sometimes nasty with me, but giving out to me over small things. I really was upset, as I was trying my best to be a good husband. She started to hang out more with her single friends at work, trying to look prettier and wasn't really interested in me sexually. She was all of sudden into fitness and looking her best.

She went to her home country for a work convention in mid-June, came back but was acting aloof and distant.

The 1st weekend of this July, she told me she was visiting her old friends, in our previous city. I had no problem, as i wanted her to have fun, especially after our year. When she came back, she said she was exhausted, they partied hard etc....first big lie

She started talking about fantasies and when we said I love you, she said I love you as a person. This hurt me, as I felt it was the old ILYBINILWY line.....heard it before. She would apologise but looked very frustrated. She would be often messaging on her phone, looking suspicious. When I asked her, she would say it was the girls from work. She was very focused on losing weight while saying "I just want to feel attractive again" I reassured her she was and that I found her very sexy. We still made love, however not as much. She told me, she didn't know why, but she lost her desire, it wasn't my fault etc.... She was much more focused on her work. I told her how proud of her i was and that we were both doing really well as a couple in reaching our dreams. I tried to be better, take more notice of her and be more romantic. Mid july, i found she had googled searched "im married, but im in love with another man" i confronted her shaking, saying was this true and how she really felt? She immediately answered it was her friend, who she was trying to help, as they were having issues... I didn't really believe her, as it didn't match her behaviour. Around the same time, i noticed a guy messaging her one evening, she said they were just friends and not to work. Towards the end of July, i had enough, she was constantly messaging one night, where I found out she was messaging this guy. She admitted finally she liked him, but it was nothing.... i was shocked and we had a huge fight that night. I told her she was risking our marriage here and to stop asap! She cried, told me she loved me and was just feeling so lonely after the miscarriage..... She said she would quit her job and stop. For the next few days, she was still distant... But the messaging started again, but a little sneakier.


A long story short, i found out about 1 month ago she is having an EA and PA with a colleague, who works for another company, in her home country. This more or less started at the end of May. He had a GF of 18 years, who he left her to be with my wife. They have already slept with each other a few times, one in Mid June when she was abroad, then in the start of July when she was meant to be meeting friends (he flew to our country to see her), and also in August, when she flew home to her country to visit her family. She spent a few days with her family, was calling me and telling me how much she loved me, how wonderful I was as a husband etc. I found out, as my gut was telling me something was wrong when I saw she had booked a hotel in another city in her home country with this guy.

My heart sank and smashed. I reached out first and told her mom. Probably not the best idea, but i told her about was going on, my suspicions. She was hurt, as her daughter had lied to her. She had spent the last few days talking about me non stop and all her family and relations missed me. She said I should contact her...

So i sent a screenshot of the booking she made to the guy and that said hope you and xx are enjoying the hotel, thanks for lying to me... I had loads of missed calls etc, but i was too upset to talk.

Following day she messaged that we needed to talk, i eventually did. She was crying, apologising, lied saying it was the first time she splept with him and regretted it... We argued for about 2 hours, me pouring my heart out and asking her why, her just saying sorry. I felt she really didn't care.

Since then, instead of coming home, she spent another week with him in another country. They literally ran away, to spent a week with his family. She sent a few messages apologizing, then saying we needed to talk, then she said she knew i was speaking with her mom and also the AP Exs.

His now ex, contacted me to confirm what she knew how hurt she was etc. She told me her ex-had said my wife told him that she never wanted to get married, that she was going to divorce me, that we slept in separate rooms, never had sex anymore (all lies!!!!) which he believed.

I felt so angry, hurt and broken. I truly loved this woman.

So about 3 weeks ago, i told her i wanted a separation and kicked her out of our apartment. Shes currently living in a spare room in the city, with her work colleague. We don't really contact, i don't initiate, but i am polite. I know shes got another work convention next week and he will be there. I have only met her once since she returned. It was sad, she looked very emotional and was saying how sorry she was. She told me she still loved me, we kissed and hugged. Since then, I have told her I want to save our marriage. She won't meet me now to talk, as she feels she doesn't have the strength emotionally right now. I don't know what to do. I have pulled back now and I'm not messaging her. If I do, I'm polite but distant. I know the AP's EX, is furious and is constantly giving out to the AP. I have told her, it's not a good idea, as you're just pushing them closer. The AP thinks they're in love, i could see in my wife's eyes what she still loves me. That day I asked her 5 times while holding her face in my hands if she didn't love me and wanted a separation, it was ok. Just tell me. She couldn't say it. She didn't want to say goodbye, She kissed me and said how could I ever trust her again. I told her through hard work, we could make it. She doesn't want to leave her Job, our the town we both work in. She doesn't want to go back to his country either, where he works.She is now on the pill and told me she doesn't want to get pregnant again and have a misscarraige....

Her family are very hurt, so are mine. I have stopped telling them stuff now. I'm trying to get on with my life and be the best I can be, and GAL.

it's so tough. I don't think my wife is 100% at the moment. She needs therapy, which she said she's organising. I really hope she goes, as this hopefully will help her. She won't talk to me, as she feels she isn't strong enough emotionally. I have been very gentle, not pursuing our being angry with her. I don't want to give her any more reasons to say "he's a dick husband, glad I cheated on him". I have told the AP ex the same, as she isn't helping the situation. She is only creating a siege mentality with my wife an her AP.

or else shes just a very cruel and a liar. I'm detaching now, keeping myself busy, reading more books. I have ordered DB and DR, however as she isn't under my roof now, she's continuing her affair and not showing me any signs of wanting to be with me, or talk to me in person, it's torture. I feel, I just have to wait until the affair it dies out. I don't know where this came out of, maybe she never wanted to get married, or the miscarriages. I never felt she sat down with me and told me what she really needed from me.... One minute, house kids etc, now chaos!

Hope you can help me. Sorry for the long mail, it's my life right now and i'm trying to pick up the pieces.











Last edited by Manta; 09/03/18 07:02 PM.

BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2810399 09/03/18 06:58 PM
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I am posting below Cadet's Welcome Posting. When you have the time, read the threads...lots of good info in all of them.


Welcome to the Board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-64, D32,S31



Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Manta #2810461 09/04/18 09:03 AM
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Thanks job. Hope you guys can give me some advice. I'm not in a good place right now.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2810463 09/04/18 09:34 AM
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 182
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Thank you. I hope some of you can advise. I'm not in a good place right now. frown


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2810524 09/04/18 03:30 PM
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Manta,

Sorry that you are here and living through this scenario. Right now it sounds like your W is pretty messed up. I can imagine that miscarriages and the difficulty in adjusting to living in a new country were probably hard on her. Regardless of what her issues are, you have to realize that they are HER issues. You can't fix them, only she can. She needs to go through her own journey and you need to give her the space to do that. At this point, you need to pull back on contacting her or talking to her about the R, and definitely don't talk to her family about the sitch any more. All of that puts more pressure on her, and that is the last thing she needs.

Remember to believe nothing that the WW says only half of what she does.

You mention that you are GALing? What are you doing? What are doing to become the strong, confident man that attracted her in the first place? What are your 180s? Are you talking with an IC? Have you read (and reread) the detachment thread above?

Keep posting and reaching out to wise heads on here for support and advice. This is a great community that will support you in these awful times.

Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Manta #2810525 09/04/18 03:30 PM
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Manta - sorry that your life has been turned inside out, but you're in the best place you could be with this online community. It has literally saved me.

I think you've done some of the right things - kicking her out and reducing contact. I would suggest that you slowly reduce contact with her side of the family just to get space for yourself. Also, I would advise that you also reduce contact with OM's ex. You guys can feed off each other and get to a really bad space mentally and emotionally. Let her deal with her partner and his actions.

Please read up on all the links that have been posted. Go NC/dark, start GAL, and take time with your emotions. We are here to help you along the way. Ask questions, journal, etc. Someone will always be reading. The best way to get a response is to ask questions about something specific. Anyways, just giving you some tips on how this forum can work to your benefit.

Do you have an IC? You said you're not in a good place right now - I totally understand. Who is part of your support system?

Take things slow. There is no rush with anything. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. If you are not sure of what to say to your W or what to do, the best is to do nothing. Come here and let us know and we'll give you feedback. Your main mission right now is to get stable and grounded and completely focus on your healing and recovery.

Keep posting!


No one is coming to save you!

Manta #2810528 09/04/18 03:38 PM
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Hi Manta. Welcome to the forum. Take your time to read the info you´ve got. Read carefully, use time wisely. Keep posting.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2810536 09/04/18 04:11 PM
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Manta, sorry you are going through this. It sounds like it has been rough. However, I am about to talk frank to you and I hope you realize this comes from a place of wanting you to be whole.

Before I get started, and I know this is an anti-divorce site, but what are you trying to save?

First, there are red flags here from the VERY beginning. She went hot and cold on you, and was depressed before you ever married her. She was involved with another guy. She didn't want to move to your country. Serious red flags.

Second, then she moves there is still hot and cold, depressed, potentially still in an EA with this "friend".

Third, a woman that isn't interested in her wedding?!?! HUGE red flag. I have never ever known a woman that wasn't interested in their wedding.

After marriage,not much changed. Hot and cold. Depressed.

My assessment, she always had 1 foot in and 1 foot out of this relationship. More than likely she always had other suitors. As she got close to them, she withdrew from you. As she got close to you, she withdrew from them.

So why are you trying to save this? Manta this might sting a bit, but the miscarriages were blessings in disguise. You can now cut ties with this cheater and move on with your life with no more attachments.

And you should do this with no guilt. You've done everything you could do! You gave her affection when she needed it. You have her space when you needed it. You carried the water financially, with the housework, getting her into therapy. Everything. There is nothing more you can do. DBing I do not see helping. Oh sure you should GAL, you should detach, you should 180, and you should be the best that you can be. But not to save your MR because it is beyond saving. But so that you can move on healthily and find your happiness.

Look back at your OP: The positives: she is gorgeous and you find her very sexy. The negatives: EVERYTHING ELSE

This was a relationship built on the purely physical. And I sense, that you are a bit of a rescuer. You thought you could take care of her, make her happy, rescue the damsel in distress, and live happily ever after. However, life is not a fairy tale.

Manta, good luck, but please take a step back and make an honest assessment of your situation. I feel for you, I really do. This has been a painful R from the very beginning. Ask yourself, has it been worth the pain?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Manta #2810557 09/04/18 05:18 PM
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Thanks for the replies all.

Firstly i am getting IC. It's helping.

I want to try and save our marriage, however I'm not blind to red flags etc. I know she has issues. I don't want to divorce without at least trying.

She is a good person deep down. There was many qualities i liked about her. She could be very caring, gentle and loving. We had similar interests and it wasn't always bad. We shared many wonderful moment's and dreams together. She made self improvements over the years, however i think the misscarriges broke her.

I thought for the last 2 years we were both on the same page. Same goals and had a plan. But in June she just flipped and was trying to live 2 seperate lives.

I'm detaching, GAL, trying to exercise again and spend time with friends. It's hard, but i know its the only way.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2810578 09/04/18 06:20 PM
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Manta I think you need to read Sandi's rules. You are clinging to the ideal if who you want her to be. The miscarriages didn't help, but I don't see a lot of her deficiencies after the miscarriages that were not already present before. This is why I ask you to take a step back, do your level best to look at your sitch objectively. What would you advise a friend to do in your position.

Manta, I'm not seeing a lot of upside for you here. Just more pain. Your pain came through loud and clear in your OP And I feel for you. Badly. Maybe my guidance it's skewed because I've been through one sided relationships like this myself and I can honestly say once the feeling of loss is over you will be much better off. I've been through two such relationships and I'm so glad I finally let go of the rope.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Manta #2810615 09/04/18 08:34 PM
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Thanks Steve. I appreciate your honesty. I will work on myself and read sandis rules again.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2811193 09/07/18 05:15 PM
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Keeping quiet last few days. Had a phone session, which was helpful and also counselling. Currently in detachment phase. Our two year wedding anniversary is coming up in a few weeks time. I know it will be hard. Keeping GAL and focused.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2811962 09/12/18 08:46 AM
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So my wife messaged this morning, week of nc. Wondering if i wanted to meet her Saturday to talk, she said she hopes im ok...


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2811984 09/12/18 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Manta
So my wife messaged this morning, week of nc. Wondering if i wanted to meet her Saturday to talk, she said she hopes im ok...



What did you say?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Manta #2811993 09/12/18 12:46 PM
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Well i agreed to meet her. She sent an angry text then about the AP ex, saying why i i told her certain thing's and also her family, things that were not true. Shes full of it.

I haven't replied.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2811995 09/12/18 12:53 PM
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Yeah, I wouldn't respond. If she is angry no need to meet to talk. More than likely that is what she wanted to yell at you about.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2811997 09/12/18 01:00 PM
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I want to know where i stand though. Haven't seen her in almost 3 weeks.

I'm preparing for 3 scenarios

1. She wants out
2. She wants in
3. She doesn't know what she wants

For 2 & 3 i need to make it clear that in order to reconcile that she needs to stop the affair. I haven't made that clear yet.

If its one, then i will file for seperation and continue nc and gal.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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Manta, when she is ready for 1-3 she will let you know. She won't wait. Trust me, she was going to confront you. When you didn't respond she unloaded on text.

I wouldn't push it. Just hold steady.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Will do. She asked me did i want to meet her Saturday.

I know shes meeting AP today as there is another work convention in England for a few days. He will be flying there too. She left her our country to go to England today.

She should be back in her own country on Saturday, originally though i thought she would be there until sunday?


Last edited by Manta; 09/12/18 02:15 PM.

BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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If she does say ILYBINILWY and i want a separation, what should i do or say?


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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Stay calm. Do not get upset. Do not beg. Do not reason. Do not try to change her mind. Do not point out all of things that point to her still being in love. Don't brag about your good qualities. Don't apologize for your short comings. Validate and then state what you want. But then recognize that it is up to her (and implied in that she needs to do all of the work).

Something like:

"I understand that you feel you are no longer in love with me. I am sorry you feel that way. I still love you and am in love with you, and I think what we have can be saved if we put in the work. However, a marriage requires two people committed to it. But it only takes one to separate/divorce. So while I disagree with separation/divorce, I cannot stop you from separating/divorcing. However, I will do nothing to help you leave me either since I am morally opposed to it."

And then end the discussion. If she insists then listen and validate. If she asks you questions calmly say "I've already stated my position. I have nothing else to add." If she asks probing questions that aren't addressed by the above say "I need some time to think about all of this before I can answer anymore of your questions."

The goal is to get out of the discussion leaving her only with a) you are opposed to the S or D, b) you cannot stop her from moving on with the S or D, c) she will have to do all of the work related to S or D. Nothing else. No promises of support. No commitment to help her move out, nothing. And avoid the friends issue.

If she says "I hope we can still be friends after all this." Just validate. Something like: "Hmmm, so you are saying you stil l want to be friends. Let me think about that."

The beauty of validating is it shows you empathize, but it is neither agreeing or disagreeing. If you disagree it will lead to an argument. If you just recognize her feelings, without agreeing or disagreeing, then there is no further discussion to be had on that point.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Manta #2812085 09/12/18 05:21 PM
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Thanks Steve. All good solid advice.

I'm trying to prepare myself for all scenarios.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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Just remember to validate and not confront. The first thing you need to get back is her respect. There’s no need to get into arguments about your sitch. Just validate and be confident and collected. It all takes time, take your time. Be strong Manta.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2812141 09/12/18 08:05 PM
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Thanks Neffer. What happens if she's still on the fence?


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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She’s no way near there M. Remember the marathon and not the sprint. Actually she is riding the Voyager II at this very moment


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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I think you're right. Its only a month since i found out the truth. Right now she's probably with him

I have no idea what's shes thinking. LDR with a guy who cheated on his GF of 18 years for a married woman.

A R built on lies, deceit and fantasy.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2812443 09/14/18 09:02 AM
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Hi all, im quite nervous about meeting her tomorrow. It will be the first time seeing her in over 3 weeks.

Could you advise on some good questions i could ask? I want to make the best out of this meeting.

Last edited by Manta; 09/14/18 09:03 AM.

BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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Anyone frown


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2812581 09/15/18 01:36 PM
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So i met her. Listened and made my points as Steve suggested.

She says at the moment she is happy, the first time in ages.
Living with her friend is great, she can do what she wants when she wants and doesn't feel bad. I asked her did she feel I controlled her and didn't let her live the way she wanted, she said no... But she always felt an anger etc and didn't know why she was so angry for so long. She talked about the fights we had, all negatives. Didn't mention any of the good times. Still in the affair fog!

She felt that we had gone different paths and didn't want to the things as I had. Children, buying a house, etc.. That i was more traditional. Even though we were trying for kids, which she really wanted, plus also was very excited about buying a house and visiting many places with me when we got our mortgage approved. It really seems that she is brainwashed at the moment.

She kept saying it's not an affair when I mentioned that word. Many times she repeated that to me. The same thing the AP is saying to APex when she calls it that.

She says she likes him a lot. In fact, said she feels she is in love with him.

Apologised for hurting me, said those last few weeks she hasn't missed me... Which was hard to hear.

She has gone to 1 counselling session so far.

Feels at the moment we don't have to do anything, however, after counselling, i might feel the same as her and realise that it's not working and maybe we could separate.

I told her that I would like to try and save our marriage, however, I can't force her, or make her end the affair. I told her i didn't want a separation. She didn't say anything, just that she wanted to be happy.

She kept talking about the AP eX and what she was saying about her and the AP's. She is very pissed about that, asked me not to contact her, I told her i wasn't in contact with her. She told me that the AP's ex is poison. She asked to see my phone, so i showed her just to confirm i wasn't.... She did say that she doesn't know why she felt this way, as she knows im a great guy and so many women would want me... She cant figure it out. She said I love you, at one point. But then i wanted to finish up as i said i had stuff to do. She thanked me for being mature.

I asked to her stop sending angry messages about the AP ex, as it wasn't fair and i dind't deserve it.

I didn't kiss her, small hug before i left. She said I can always call her, or her family if i wanted to talk.

I said nothing then left



I guess all i can do now is just GAL. I really don't know anymore is this worth it. frown

Last edited by Manta; 09/15/18 01:37 PM.

BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2812585 09/15/18 02:08 PM
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Manta,

Sorry to hear that. I vividly remember having a similar talk with my W a few months. It s$cked.

Remember that you can't trust anything she says. She's wrapped up in her own fairy-tale story and guided by emotions that come and go. You aren't going to get any satisfying answers from her either. At this point you are better off letting her be, no more R talks or the like. You need to give her time and space. You are at the outset of a long process, and you can't rush it.

You do need to GAL, and use this time to work on yourself. Take the focus off of her and put it on yourself. One of the wisest posters I received advice from told me to act as if my W was dead. What would you do with your life if she weren't there.

Hang in there. It does get easier, but there will be lots of ups and downs along the journey.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Hi M. Rewriting the past and new freedom feelings are a classic. I did that when visiting the dark side. It seems you had a good meeting. Now you must stick to DB. It’s imperative. You need to detach and GO DARK. Read the post about it. Keep GAL and continue posting.

You have the strength to go through this. Sometimes it’s hard to see but DB is about you, it’s the only factor that you have control over. You must grow as a person and change into a Manta 2.0. So keep DB and become amoafwl.

You can do it M.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2812588 09/15/18 02:40 PM
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Thanks guys. I feel down. She doesn't seem to give a s%^t now. This guy doesn't even live in the same country. She's rewriting our history now. Seems she was never happy with me and we always had fights.....that's not true.

She loves her new life, work, living independently with her girl friend, shes happy now!

I did my best today, didnt cry beg, made it clear that i wanted to work on our marriage, bit couldn't as long as she was having an affair.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2812590 09/15/18 02:43 PM
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How long before you saw the light neffer? What happened


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2812592 09/15/18 02:47 PM
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All of those feelings are completely normal. It doesn't make sense and it likely never will. WWs are irrational.

What you need to do is get out and do something. Go to the gym, meet up with male friends, go to the cinema. Don't just sit and wallow in your home. You will feel much better just being active. I have found that to be so true and so helpful in my sitch.

Quote
“The common conception is that motivation leads to action, but the reverse is true — action precedes motivation. You have to ”prime the pump” and get the juice flowing, which motivates you to work on your goals. Getting momentum going is the most difficult part of the job, and often taking the first step is enough to prompt you to make the best of your day.” – Robert J. McKain


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Go read my sitch M. I understand you are upset about your reality M. But it is yours. Just don’t asume your W’s world is an unicorn valley with chocolate roses. I was a WW some time ago. WWs world is a foggy one, with feelings of freedom, love, a shiny future around the corner. It’s related with some chemical processes and you get into a distorted reality. But true reality goes after WWs and sometimes it chases us. Mine was extremely effective when putting my head on the pillow.

What I mean is that’s ok you feel what you feel. But you need to change that to help yourself. Focus your energy on getting into a new version of Manta. You’ll end wondering whether you want to countinue your M with your W.

Keep DB, stop mind reading and remember it’s a marathon.

Have a nice weekend man, do some GAL


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2812609 09/15/18 04:59 PM
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Thanks Neffer, she said after counselling thay maybe ill realise we weren't meant or best for eachother... seems so sure of herself, very different to 3 weeks ago. But i know she spent time with AP last few days.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2813076 09/18/18 02:09 PM
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Doing my best this week. Sleeping is all over the place. Moving out of current apartment in 6 weeks. No point living in a 4 bedroom on my own. It isnt healthy.

Have IC this week. Trying to GAL and still NC and detaching. Praying and trying to keep calm. It's very tough, as even my W said i did nothing wrong and she had sad so many times why she couldn't be happy with the wonderful husband she had.

Seems she's brainwashed now and in full limerence. Our 2nd year anniversary is next week.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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Be strong M, keep DBing. Don´t feed her monkeys. Detach and GAL.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2813108 09/18/18 03:21 PM
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Thanks Neffer. Doing my best. It seems like a very bad dream. She's all happy and free, not angry anymore and falling in love with AP who lives in a different country. I'm picking up the pieces, like AP ex.

This time last year she wanted kids and we were saving our money to buy a home.

Not contacting her family anymore. Following sandi's rules. Lost a lot of weight. Appetite isn't too good.
Find myself having a lot of ups and downs. I was very hurt when she said she didn't miss me.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2813113 09/18/18 03:35 PM
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Manta,

It's normal to be hurting in a situation like this. It is good you are going to talk with an IC.

What are you doing to GAL? Read Steve's thread about that. It is really important in order to get out of your head.

Hang in there.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Manta #2813115 09/18/18 03:42 PM
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Well doing old hobbies again. Guitar, scale modelling, self help books and obviously work keeps me distracted. When i come to the empty apartment, it's lonely. I'm making plans for every weekend. Trying to stay away from the alcohol.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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She´s not all of that, she seems to be. Then, believe nothing that they say...

No expectations, be the lighthouse.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Its hard neffer. She's moved out so i dont see her anymore. Twice in the last 5 weeks. She's living with one of her work friend/colleague's.

She isn't going to leave her job. I guess this A will be a LDRA , unless AP moves to this country.

Anyway, i have to focus on myself now. I wish she would even give MC a chance. She's checked out for now.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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Of course it’s hard M. But what else can you do? You must work on yourself. Get amoafwl.

You don’t go to MC when W has an AP. She should go to IC, but it’s up to her.

Keep DBing. Get the strength M!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2813406 09/20/18 08:17 AM
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Its our 2 year wedding anniversary, just wondering should i stay NC and say nothing?
She still has us as her profile pic on FB. Its been NC since last Saturday.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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Don't reach out. Stay strong. You can do this.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Manta #2813415 09/20/18 10:20 AM
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NO contact. Keep your mind busy. Be strong.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2813420 09/20/18 11:17 AM
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Thanks guys. It's going to be a tough weekend.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2813569 09/20/18 08:18 PM
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Well she just messaged me....

"Are you and the cats ok"


Haven't replied. We have two cats she loves. It's a cold and stormy night tonight.
Don't know what to say. Hasn't spoken to me since Saturdays cold meeting.

Last edited by Manta; 09/20/18 08:27 PM.

BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2813620 09/21/18 10:45 AM
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Didn't reply to her.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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Remember NC means you don't initiate contact. If she texts you a text without a question don't respond. Responding to questions is fine but do it in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers. And don't respond right away all the time. Respond in your own time.

I'd text her back. "We're good."


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Manta #2813627 09/21/18 11:43 AM
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Thanks Steve. Might reply tonight. "Sorry busy last night, we're fine."


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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Leave out the sorry.

Was busy last night, we're fine.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Hang in there man, be strong!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2813778 09/22/18 10:58 AM
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This is going to be a tough weekend. It's our 2nd year weddings anniversary. Still in NC. Went for a few beers last night on my own, it's very emotional seeing other couples smiling and having fun. Staying strong. I know i'll make it.

Doing a lot of reading DB and DR. Other good books too, also listening to Joe Beam on limerence. Interesting to understand that.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2813780 09/22/18 11:38 AM
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Moving forward!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2814001 09/24/18 05:47 AM
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Today is our 2 year wedding anniversary. So hard to believe everything fell apart so quickly in the last 12 months.

I'm not going to reach out today and send her best wishes. I don't reward bad behaviour.

It was a VERY tough weekend. I have IC tonight. Not what i expected for our anniversary this year.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2814255 09/25/18 08:07 AM
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It's 49 days since DDay. Didn't hear anything from my W yesterday. It was our 2nd year anniversary.
I'm glad i didn't buckle. Had IC yesterday which was with a new councillor. Really good session, challenged my ideals and views on our marriage and my idealised few of my wife. Said i was too understanding, and i was acting like a paternal figure to my wife, always caring for her, rather than a husband. It hurt, but it could very well be true.

He mentioned that perhaps she was submissive "as you were such a nice guy"... Everyone and anyone were telling her how good i was, even maybe herself convincing that i was so good, but you weren't meeting her emotional needs anymore which was frustrating her...

Could be very true and it was enlightening. I just hope we can have a chance to reconcile and build a new marriage, stronger, more bi directional and not 1 sided.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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Meanwhile keep working on yourself. Keep GAL and detaching.

Be strong M.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2814269 09/25/18 12:56 PM
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Trying Neffer. In limbo but still moving forward.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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Leave limbo to the waywards. We have DB and the road ahead.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2815121 09/30/18 08:48 AM
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My W messaged me this morning saying she wanted a D.

"I hope you are ok. I was thinking and talking to my parents a lot and decided that I want a divorce. I read a few things about it and I want to try and do it through xxx law as it is a lot quicker. This should be in your interest as well so you don't need to pay a lot of money to me."

I havent replied as its just arrived.....

How should i respond frown


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2815135 09/30/18 03:09 PM
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I dont have any advice for you Manta, all i can say is stay strong. No matter what you do, take care of yourself and keep bettering yourself for YOU. Its tough getting bombs dropped on you from your spouse, everyone here knows the feeling. We're all in this together. My W didnt even have the guts to tell me she wanted/filed for a D, i had to find out from an oitside source.


Together:20 years
M:3 years
Me:40
WW:40
S15
A suspected:5/17
AC:5/18
BD:8/18
WW in full blown R w/ OM
Still under same roof
Manta #2815145 09/30/18 05:05 PM
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I took Steves advice and said that i wouldn't help with the divorce as i didn't want it etc.


Heard nothing back since.

I feel i deserves better than a whatsapp message on a sunday morning asking for D.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2815161 09/30/18 09:47 PM
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Hopefully your message to her wasn't in a bad tone. It should've been like - I am not for the divorce, but I won't stand in your way if that is what you would like to pursue.

Listen, I am sure that this D message kicked you off your feet and punched you in the gut. I am not minimizing that, but I want to respond to what you said.

You said - I 'deserve' better..... You don't 'deserve' $hit. The quicker you figure that out and move forward with your life, the better it will be. You're not entitled to anything. What did you want? A red carpet invite to a D? Her sending you a box of chocolates with a card saying 'let's get D'?

It's going to $uck either way and the method of delivery doesn't matter. So, get up on your feet and start taking ownership and accountability over your problems and figuring out how you can engage in personal growth and development.

All of this, BD, cheating, betrayal, lies, manipulation, D - all of it $ucks. But what are you going to do now? We are going to knocked off our feet and hit our nose to the ground - you're not entitled to a soft blow. Life just doesn't work like that unfortunately. What is your game plan now that your face is planted on the ground? You want to stay there and wallow or do you want to get up and improve your odds against the next punch that might be coming by learning how to duck and block? The best part about this is that you get to choose. Choose YOU!


No one is coming to save you!

Manta #2815192 10/01/18 09:54 AM
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Thanks Maika. You're correct and i know thats whst i have to do. I spoke with my solictor today, as its important that i protect myself now. I'm not letting her get her way and i lie down. Time to get my balls back.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2815202 10/01/18 12:38 PM
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Yes Maika is correct. My response suggestion is exactly what Maika said "I am against it, I think the MR can be saved, but I can't stop you from D."

Also, talk to a L. All WWs want the road paved smooth for them on their way to D. You talking to and even hiring a L might be what it takes to wake her out of her "this is going to be a piece of cake" fog. My W was looking at doing a quickie internet D. From everything I read that wasn't possible with kids but she had convinced her self, and was floating the "I don't want any of your money" thing to get me to agree. But she also has a bit of Nice Girl Syndrome, so when I told her "No you are entitlted to half of everything, including the house" suddenly she was seeing that it wasn't going to be a snap your finger and its over and no one gets hurt situation.

So keep it real. Make her do all the work. Do nothing to try and stop it, but you don't have to help it either.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Manta #2815208 10/01/18 12:57 PM
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That's what i said Steve. More or less what you mentioned a few weeks back. Today she changed her FB profile pic after months of us. Shes checked out and has no interest in R. All she wants is a quick and easy D in her own country. However I'm not playing ball anymore. Its tough love time.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2815210 10/01/18 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Manta
That's what i said Steve. More or less what you mentioned a few weeks back. Today she changed her FB profile pic after months of us. Shes checked out and has no interest in R. All she wants is a quick and easy D in her own country. However I'm not playing ball anymore. Its tough love time.


Just make sure tough love doesn't mean pressure and pursuit. If you pressure her or pursue her it will push her faster and further away.

Time. Space. Make her do the work. She how resolved she is regarding this course of action.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Manta #2815238 10/01/18 02:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Manta
That's what i said Steve. More or less what you mentioned a few weeks back. Today she changed her FB profile pic after months of us. Shes checked out and has no interest in R. All she wants is a quick and easy D in her own country. However I'm not playing ball anymore. Its tough love time.

Get off social media. Shut down your account. Quit looking and hers and her friends. It will only bring pain and prevent you from moving forward and healing.

BTW, they all do this, so don't worry about it.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Manta #2815240 10/01/18 02:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Manta
Its tough love time.


Yesssss


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2815631 10/03/18 09:09 AM
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Im having my 2nd DB coaching session tonight. Looking forward to it. Still GAL, detaching and keeping calm.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2816931 10/11/18 03:32 PM
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No update. Haven't heard anything from W in nearly 2 weeks, since she messaged me looking for a D. Been going to IC, GAL and doing my best. Saw a picture of her on LinkedIn today at a work convention in the AP country. She looked happy with her work colleagues. It knocked me back, i must admit. Its been nearly 5 weeks since i last saw her in person.

I'm feeling a little better. But, the sadness and hurt hasn't disappeared.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2816934 10/11/18 03:41 PM
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Yeah. It [censored] but is normal to get knocked for a bit of a loop when you see a picture of the WAS unexpectedly or even worse, run into him/her. That's just part of the process. It gets easier with time.

What are you doing for GAL? How are you making yourself amoafwl?


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Manta #2816939 10/11/18 03:50 PM
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Hang in there M. Those feelings don’t disappear that easy. We live with them somewhere inside. The key is not letting them drive our lives. Keep GAL!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2816946 10/11/18 04:12 PM
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I know guys. I have gone out by myself a few times, going to a few gigs and even got a girls number last week. Right now i really have no interest in other women, as I wish my wife and I could being an R. But shes still having an A with this guy since June. She's a WW, feeling happy and free now away from me... I haven't even got a decent reason why she left. It's life she did a complete 180 in her life since she met this guy.

I feel hopeless. I pray every day and i'm getting slowly better and accepting this. It hurts that she never even tried MC with me.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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I’m sorry M. It gets better but it takes time. Keep detaching and GAL. It must be a choice you know, make yourself do that things, do GAL. W is not the W you knew now. Remember that. You can’t live in the past. You need to move forward, improve yourself and get into amoafwl.

You can do it Manta


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2817269 10/13/18 06:29 PM
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So W messaged me this evening after 2 weeks nc saying one of our friends messaged her about catching up with us, W asked me that i should let them know that as we are not together anymore, or W can as it would be rude not to reply.

Wtf should i say.

Last edited by Manta; 10/13/18 06:38 PM.

BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2817276 10/13/18 07:14 PM
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Anyone?


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2817288 10/13/18 10:01 PM
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I haven't kept up with your sitch, but I'd say "that's entirely up to you how you handle it. Let me know what you decide." If they're good friends, follow up in a few days, and reconnect as part of GAL.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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Manta,

are you guys married, divorced, or what is the stiuation?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
ovrrnbw #2817308 10/14/18 01:57 AM
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Married but she want D


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2817321 10/14/18 02:50 AM
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Just a thought.... you might want to set up a signature block at the bottom of your posts, so people get the essentials at a glance.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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"She wants the D"....lol!!! I'm sorry my mind is in the gutter! And I just watching The Office where Steve Carrol mentions the phrase "that's what she said" once or twice!

So wanting a divorced means you're married. How are you "not together"? I told my annoying ass, wannabe righteous, got an explanation for everything WW that if you can get out of a marriage by just saying "I want a divorce" then you should have never gotten married in the first place.

My WW, along with many others here, have said these BS words "I should have never gotten married to you". Damn straight you cheater! It took me 2 or 3 months of reflection to reach this conclusion, and all the pain the words she uttered brought me initially eventually made me stronger. And when I got stronger, her cracks showed because I was no longer going to take all the blame.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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I didn't reply to her. I think tomorrow i will send her my attorneys letter in regards a seperation. I don't want to go through a D in het country. I don't want her setting the agenda.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2819604 10/27/18 10:22 AM
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No real update. I sent her my attorney's letter a few weeks ago. She tried calling me twice that day, didnt bother answering. It felt good taking some power back and set the agenda. My attorney said he hasnt heard back from her yet. As far as i know the A is still going on. I'm still in NC. It's over a month since i messaged her in response to the "i want a D" message. A is going on since June 2018.

Im feeling stronger and my friends are very supportive. Not having as many sad days anymore. Keeping busy and i don't snoop on her. Blocked her from my whatsappp as i was tired of getting crappy messages which were hurtful and effecting my healing.

Im really seeing clarity now and reflecting on all the bad/mad behaviour patterns. She was very controlling and abusive looking back. I do think she has a personality disorder of some kind based on a lot of her behaviours.

I must relieve my pain by understanding that what has happened to me is not because of anything i did or didnt do, but i can still learn from my mistakes that happened when i let myself down...true love and empathy for her, while also respecting myself, is the path to healing. I have taken the higher road and have kept my integrity.

There is no shame in what we all are going through. Its not our fault how someone else treats us, but it is our fault how we choose to treat ourselves.

I know ill make it. Even R isn't bothering me anymore or fear of separating. I signed up for some online dating and who knows what might happen. Time for Manta now.

Last edited by Manta; 10/27/18 10:30 AM. Reason: Sig

BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2819623 10/27/18 02:08 PM
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Good to read what you wrote. You are moving forward M. Keep DB and GAL!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Manta #2819642 10/27/18 05:29 PM
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Thanks Neffer! Keeping it real mate.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2819648 10/27/18 07:55 PM
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Thanks Neffer! Keeping it real mate.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2820622 11/05/18 12:25 PM
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No real update. Been GAL and hanging around with my friends more and more. Nothing from WW. A is still going on. She hasn't filed for D, since her message over a month ago. She still hasn't responded to my attorneys letter in regards a seperation. Thats almost 3 weeks now.

Feeling anger more than sadness, feeling a disgust of her and her actions pre and post A.

Not even thinking anymore of R to be honest.

I think she's laying low as the reality of her actions is beginning to take its toll.



BH: 35 WW:32
M: 2
BD: August 2018

WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018

Last edited by Manta; 11/05/18 12:28 PM.

BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2820669 11/05/18 03:50 PM
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No phone calls, texts, or small convos? Is she in the house still?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Manta #2820691 11/05/18 04:28 PM
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No, i kicked her out in August after discovering the A. she made no effort to reconcile or show remorse. Shes still having the A. Few random texts, 2 missed calls a few weeks ago after getting my solicitors letter. didn't bother answering.
I'm not tolerating any crap.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2820699 11/05/18 04:47 PM
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OK, good to know.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Manta #2822676 11/18/18 11:09 AM
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No update. Its over 3 months since DDay. I haven't heard from my WW since end of sept, when she text me looking for a D. Over 2 months since i last saw her in person.

She has made no effort for R. She hasn't responded to my solictor either. Nothing. It's like she's hiding out and doesn't want to deal with the fallout since DDay.

It's a strange time. My feelings are like a rollercoaster. Sad/Anger/loneliness/ hopelessness then numbness. I have come a long way since August, but still feel like a shell now of who i was. In my gut, I'm thinking that she really knows she messed up however she doesn't know what to do. Maybe the fog is lifting? Maybe AP isnt all she thought he was

I don't think her family are too happy with her and see her in a different way now. It doesn't matter anyway.


I have moved back home to my family for the moment. I'm seeing her in a different way now and reflecting on all emotional abuse and manipulation done to me. Part of me hopes fpr R, however i don't think she would make the real effort needed to R. She's not good for me. How she left this M easily for a stranger and discarded me i will mever understand.



BH: 35 WW:32
M: 2
BD: August 2018

WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018

Last edited by Manta; 11/18/18 11:10 AM.

BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2825212 12/01/18 09:25 PM
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frown See today she has changed her watsapp pic, to her and the AP. It hurt's so much. But i have to keep going.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2825230 12/01/18 10:55 PM
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Well....….I can lie and spill out some clichés, or I can be painfully honest and tell you what I've seen IRL and on the board. I'm going to do the latter.

You are a nice guy. Probably a really good man, who wants to place his beautiful W on a pedestal, do everything for her in order to make things easier on her. Maybe this is how you see a man shows his love. The problem is that it not only spoils her, but she develops a sense of entitlement and then she looses attraction for you. Women have to respect their H, before she can feel really in love with hm. Remember this the next time you are tempted to treat a woman like she is above you.

If you have not read the book about the nice guy syndrome, please get it and read ASAP. It's not very long.

Women like your WW will not change toward a "nice-guy" type. She wants all the thrill of being romanced and falling in love. However, she proven what kind of woman she was before you M her. Right? Being the nice guy that you are, and thinking you had really lucked out by getting this beautiful girl, you gave her another chance. She did not feel the passion for you, b/c it was killed with your nice-guy mentality. Read the book, b/c I don't want you to think I am telling you to be mean and hateful to women. Women want men who are stronger than her. They don' t admire a man that waits hand & foot on her. She wants a man who takes charge and leads. A man who won't put up with cr@p treatment from her. She wants a man she can look up to, and if you are doing all the work in the house and treating her as if she is royalty..….I promise she is looking down...not up at you. Her feelings and attitude will definitely change, b/c she'll feel too good for you and she'll desire another man.

I've seen so many young women like your WW, and if you were my son who was M to her, I would tell you to cut your loses and move on while you can. Don't saddle yourself with this woman who will do nothing but bring you more heartbreak. I recognize the signs in her. She will blame you for anything in life that makes her angry. It doesn't matter if you had anything to do with it, she will take her anger out on you. I suspect you try to show how much you love her by trying harder to please her and make her happy . It's a common mistake. However, women like your WW does not appreciate the man like you. They think they are superior, just b/c you try to please her.

There are some women out there that would not disrespect you and break your heart by going back and forth to other men. I agree with Steve that you love the idea you've formed about her. She may be physically beautiful, but her heart is not so pretty. You say she is a good person, but I don't see her being good to you. When a woman cheats on you before marriage, she's going to cheat after the marriage. She will never be good to you, IMO. That's not to say the next lady won't treat you well, if you learn how to change your nice-guy ways. You cannot put yourself into a subservient position to the woman and expect her to feel attraction and admiration for you. Do you know what I mean? If you had done this only while she was recuperating after the miscarriages, or if she was physically ill...….but just so she could rest? No, that was a big mistake. Please don't do that in the future, with any woman. She won't respect you if you do everything while she lays around as if she were a princess. You should have treated yourself better.

When she contacts you by asking, "Are you okay?" This her way to pull you into a conversation and tell her if you are still missing her and want her back. My advice is not to respond to those type of text messages.

I have not given you the advice you probably wanted. I have to ask if you want to save the M b/c you feel it is the thing you are suppose to do.,,,,,or is it b/c you believe she will change and become the kind of W you dream about? Like I said, you are still young and things could be so different with another woman, IF you learn how to stop acting like a nice-guy type. Get the no more mr. nice guy book. It can change your life for the better, if you'll apply it.

((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Manta #2825272 12/02/18 09:59 AM
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I'm devastated Sandi. I feel shes rubbing my face in it now. Shes a horrible pos.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2825286 12/02/18 03:32 PM
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Based on what I have observed over the years, it only gets worse. Since you've been with her for just a couple of years, I believe it would be to your advantage to drop her. Stop all contact with her and move on building a life without her.

Consider this a painful lesson and don't make the same mistake by picking the same type of woman to date and have a relationship with. We teach people how to treat us, and it's a lot easier when we do it early in the relationship.

I know you are hurt and I'm sorry. I don't like giving newcomers this type of news, but frankly, I don't see much positive in this situation. You can grieve for it, put it behind you and be happy again. Be careful not to rebound into another relationship. Take your time and focus on how you might need to change some mindsets about the roles each spouse has in a MR.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Manta #2825288 12/02/18 03:54 PM
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Thank you Sandi.

I have deactivated my Facebook and WhatsApp today.


I'm emotionally and physically exhausted from everything. I really am struggling with her A and lack of remorse and respect. I'm going to IC and in NC with her since evd of Sept, seeing that yesterday put me back again. Funny thing is she changed her photo again today to something random.
But ill be ok.

I


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2825364 12/03/18 04:48 AM
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Hi Manta,

I'm sorry to read about your situation. I'm a woman but I can relate to being in your position. It really is exhausting going through this. Nothing seems to take away the pain. For me it'd be like a dream-come-true if I could ever find a guy like you. You really love your wife. After being unloved for so long by my husband, and cheated on, and abandoned I just can't imagine being loved that much. I wish I could find out someday and I hope you do too.

Manta #2825378 12/03/18 05:34 AM
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Hi Manta,

Sorry to hear of your sitch. Redirect your attention to anything else to help you regain your strength. Don't dwell on her. Focus on you. Its a good idea to stay out of Social Media or just away from her, I'm 43 so I throw my phone in the drawer when I get home. I don't FB, IG, snapchat or w/e else ppl do.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

----
Manta #2825390 12/03/18 10:51 AM
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Thanks Nicole, really appreciate your kind words. I can only compare this whole scenario like a Hit and run.

I'm left on the side of the road, broken and hurt as she has drives away with her AP.

I have been NC with her for 2 months. She hasn't responded to my solictor yet.

I was doing well and feeling stronger, until she changed her pic on Saturday. Seeing them together, with a very smug almost evil grin on them hurt like a knife in the heart.

She changed it again to something random the following day. They're both cheaters, liars and one day i pray karma will come to collect.

She's acting like she's a teenager, who broke up with her boyfriend and now has a new one.

How anyone could treat someone this way i can't fathom.

She has made to attempt to R, or given me any hope.

I'm moving on and doing my best. I'm only human.

Last edited by Cadet; 12/03/18 12:57 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message

BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2825406 12/03/18 01:50 PM
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Manta, get off of social media. It can only harm you at this point.

"They're both cheaters, liars and one day i pray karma will come to collect."

This is very unhealthy Manta. The "I want revenge" angle is always the easiest to take. However, that proves that everything she has said about why (history rewriting, making everything your fault, etc) is correct, at least in her mind. Go read Hurt213' latest update. You will garner much more respect from her by taking the high road.

If you really love her then you want her to be happy no matter what. With or without you. Granted, there is little chance for her having long-term happiness on the path she has chosen, but wishing ill for her only keeps you a prisoner. Letting her go, forgiving her, and moving on frees you from that.

Manta, what are you doing in GAL? How are your 180s coming? You obviously still have detachment issues so work on that.

Come on man, you got this! You are stronger than this! ONWARD AND UPWARD!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Manta #2825417 12/03/18 02:40 PM
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Please start a new thread and link the two threads together. Many thanks!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Manta #2825419 12/03/18 02:42 PM
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I am strong Steve.

I don't wish revenge, and in fairness i havent humiliated her since finding out back in August.. i did everything my DB coach advised and also listened to you guys.

I tried DB after dday, was validating her and did my best, but she's gone.

Yes i exposed the A to family and friends, but it didn't end it. Also used TLR technique.

it was a tough weekend seeing that in my face. Reality really hit home. I'm not in contact with her for over 2 months now. I'm trying to forgive her internally, but she's treated me like dirt. No remorse shown. I'm Christian and i knowI'll have to forgive her 1 day.

I'm off social media etc since Saturday. I don't want to be triggered anymore.

I have been GAL with getting back into my music again, joined a local music group that play's in the local bar on Friday night's. Good fun and it's helped my confidence. I'm spending more time with my friends and making plans for weekend's. I have a lot of little things planned for Christmas.

Next year I'm going for a holiday in March with my buddies.


Look, i love her. But im doing my best to move on without her keep my dignity.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta #2825448 12/03/18 03:40 PM
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