I wanted to post my story as I'm currently lost and very hurt on what has happened to me.
I met my wife over 6 years ago while travelling. She was from another country compared to me, but from the same continent. The moment I saw her, i knew she was special and the most beautiful woman. I never experienced a feeling like that before. We both were single and had been hurt before from previous relationships.
I'm 35, shes now 32. After spending a few wonderful days together where we got to know each other and made love, she needed to go back home. For the next few months, we stayed in touch as an LDR, as i was working in this country until I returned to my home country. During that time we skyped and messaged and fell in love with each other as we got closer. It was intense Around the time I came home, she began to get cold and distant and disappeared. I was very sad, as i had returned home to try and start a new life with her.
A pattern started for almost 1.5 years, of her coming back and leaving me again and we would meet up randomly. She told me that sometimes had depression and didn't know what was wrong with her, including "I want to be alone, I can't be with anyone right now". Many times she would want to see me, book flights then cancel at the last minute. Around the same time, I found out she was seeing another guy, who was suffering from depression. I was hurt but accepted it. However, she always kept in touch, telling me she was helping him and it wasn't a sexual relationship. I started to go no contact and try and move on with my life
I had a very tough few years when I came home, as my very best friend had died tragically of cancer in 2014 at the age of 30. After the death, she told me she wanted to be with me for good and to give her one more chance. She apologised for her behaviour, told me it was so hard for her to make a decision and leave her country. I didn't want to move to her country, as i felt she was too wishy-washy for the past 2 years and wanted her to prove her commitment and love to me. She moved over to my country to begin a new life. I was ecstatic and felt she was finally ready to commit to a full relationship and live with me. When she moved over, it was so exciting, passionate and fun. We enjoyed visiting places together, nice restaurants, attending weddings etc. However, after a few months, I noticed some patterns, of where she had a lot of anxiety, stress and sadness. Also, there was an incident of self-harm (cutting her wrist) after a small fight, also an attempted suicide one night where she left a note. I found her walking along the motorway outside our apartment and brought her home. I didn't know what was wrong, was it a cry for help, or attention? I wrapped her in my arms and put her to bed and cuddled her for the night. She didn't know what she was doing, perhaps she had too much wine or was just in a dark place that winter. I brought her to therapy, however, she didn't keep it up.
She was never happy with how her body looked, even though i always told her she was attractive and looked beautiful. I understood this was a new country for her and she missed her home. I started learning her language and said, never say never. That we could move, however, let's save some money first and see what happens. i helped her get a job and put her on her feet. She made friends through her work, who were usually single and all pretty "out there". Which is fine, as i never had a problem with her friends, or who she hung out with. However, none were really in long relationships, married or planning their futures. They all seemed like leaves on the wind. In 2015, we went for a nice weekend's trips away and showed her the best of my country. I did feel I was doing a lot of the work (cooking, cleaning etc), while she did a little laundry etc. This didn't bother me, as I like to cook and it relaxed me.
At the end of 2015, we got engaged. She was so happy when I asked her and started to cry. I felt we had turned a corner. We both were so excited and nervous. As we went into 2016, while interested in the wedding, most of the planning was done by her parents and myself. She seemed a little uninterested, and more focused on her friends. As the summer came along, she was getting a lot of anxiety and not sure if she was really ready for marriage etc? I didn't pressure her, however as the closer the wedding came, she seems very uneasy. We made it up the aisle had a beautiful wedding and reception, with friends and family. After the wedding, that October she became sad again and down. I brought her for more therapy and hoped this would help.
We were both living in a small apartment in a big city, looking for our next big break and where to go in our lives. We talked about having a family and out next steps. That autumn, I was offered a high paying job in another city. When I told her the news and the money they were offering, she jumped in my arms and we made love right there. She seemed so happy.
I felt leaving the big city for a smaller one, near the sea with beautiful walks and restaurants/cafes and more relaxed friendly atmosphere, would help her and cheer her up more. We could save a lot more money, even by the house we always wanted. Last year, we moved to the new city. Found a large apartment, with more space. She loved it. I bought a new car and gave her one also, so she could have more independence. Soon she also got a new Job, which she finally loved and thrived in. She finally had a job she really loved.
As 2017 progressed, our holidays would often be spent with her family. As she only had a certain amount of paid leave. I never had a problem, as I loved her family, country and culture. They would also come and visit us. Through the years we became very close and they always loved and respected me, as they knew I treated their daughter well. She would always tell her family, how happy she was with me, how good of a husband I was and she wanted to make me happy.
Her relationship with my family was different, sometimes warm, sometimes cold. They tried to become close with her, but then she would pull away. I introduced her to a lot of my friends and their GF's. While she liked them she never bonded too deeply. She didn't find them interesting enough. So again, her new job, she made new friends, all the same pattern. Single, not really in any happy relationships or big plans for the future.
As last summer rolled around, she wanted to start trying for a family. We did our best and finally that October, she was pregnant. I never saw her as happy and beautiful. She had told her mom so many times, she wanted to be a mother and give me that gift of a child. We were so happy and excited, nervous. Sadly, it wasn't to last, as by early December, we were told it was a miscarriage. We were both devastated and numb. Last Christmas, we spent time with her family. It was sad but promised we wouldn't give up and 2018 would be brighter.
My first year in this new job was tough, it was much more pressure for me and i felt i was spinning plates. Each evening, i would collect my wife from work, start cooking the supper and do the washup. I wanted to do everything i could she could relax and not dwell on the miscarriage. Her hobbies were basic, her phone, playing games on her phone, reading books etc. This is fine, but often i asked if we could do more stuff together during the week, besides, sitting around after a long day, watching Netflix. Being fair, she asked me the same things, which sometimes i didn't find too interesting.
During the weekends, we would always get out, go for nice walks by sea and talk about our lives and goals. We went to nice restaurants at the weekend and i still felt we were both very much in love, considering all our ups and downs. We were both ambitious and wanted to have the best life we could together. Then in February 2018, we found out she was pregnant again. We were both nervous, as it was so soon after the previous miscarriage. However this time, it was much worse. It dragged on unnecessarily for almost 2 months, where the hospital didn't know for sure if the status of the 2nd miscarriage. They mentioned a molar pregnancy, however, after 2 operations, they were able to rectify the problem. This was a very traumatic, angry and sad phase for us both. Many trips into the hospitals, blood tests to check her hormone level, and no proper answers. After it was over, she was a shell. I felt so helpless as a husband, we cried together and i hugged her so much. I went into my own shell and didn't really know how to cope. I made sure to talk to her, however, she didn't want to get any therapy and wanted to forget about it. This was a mistake however, she wouldn't go besides one session with the hospital.
I handled the miscarriages, like most men. We are just so sad for our wives, while our wives are saying "why aren't you sad for our baby!" i was..... still am. I tried being the best husband as i could. Make the apartment nice and relaxing after work, gentle music and me doing the housework and cooking.
I would hold her hand and hug her. We would still make love, but i never pressured her. I knew it was sensitive and thought of another miscarriage terrified her. I did my best to be there for her, let her cry on my arms when she needed too.
Then last May, we went for a beautiful romantic holiday (no family) together. It was the first time we had been away together like this in ages. It breathed new life into us, considering our previous 6 months.
However, as May came to a close. Everything changed.
We got mortgage approval finally in June and had saved enough money, that we could put a deposit on a house. We both were very excited, looking at houses together and dreaming of our future. We found a perfect house by the sea, she was already imagining her family coming over and perhaps one day our own family.
Around mid-June, her attitude started to change. She began to withdraw, started getting colder and sometimes nasty with me, but giving out to me over small things. I really was upset, as I was trying my best to be a good husband. She started to hang out more with her single friends at work, trying to look prettier and wasn't really interested in me sexually. She was all of sudden into fitness and looking her best.
She went to her home country for a work convention in mid-June, came back but was acting aloof and distant.
The 1st weekend of this July, she told me she was visiting her old friends, in our previous city. I had no problem, as i wanted her to have fun, especially after our year. When she came back, she said she was exhausted, they partied hard etc....first big lie
She started talking about fantasies and when we said I love you, she said I love you as a person. This hurt me, as I felt it was the old ILYBINILWY line.....heard it before. She would apologise but looked very frustrated. She would be often messaging on her phone, looking suspicious. When I asked her, she would say it was the girls from work. She was very focused on losing weight while saying "I just want to feel attractive again" I reassured her she was and that I found her very sexy. We still made love, however not as much. She told me, she didn't know why, but she lost her desire, it wasn't my fault etc.... She was much more focused on her work. I told her how proud of her i was and that we were both doing really well as a couple in reaching our dreams. I tried to be better, take more notice of her and be more romantic. Mid july, i found she had googled searched "im married, but im in love with another man" i confronted her shaking, saying was this true and how she really felt? She immediately answered it was her friend, who she was trying to help, as they were having issues... I didn't really believe her, as it didn't match her behaviour. Around the same time, i noticed a guy messaging her one evening, she said they were just friends and not to work. Towards the end of July, i had enough, she was constantly messaging one night, where I found out she was messaging this guy. She admitted finally she liked him, but it was nothing.... i was shocked and we had a huge fight that night. I told her she was risking our marriage here and to stop asap! She cried, told me she loved me and was just feeling so lonely after the miscarriage..... She said she would quit her job and stop. For the next few days, she was still distant... But the messaging started again, but a little sneakier.
A long story short, i found out about 1 month ago she is having an EA and PA with a colleague, who works for another company, in her home country. This more or less started at the end of May. He had a GF of 18 years, who he left her to be with my wife. They have already slept with each other a few times, one in Mid June when she was abroad, then in the start of July when she was meant to be meeting friends (he flew to our country to see her), and also in August, when she flew home to her country to visit her family. She spent a few days with her family, was calling me and telling me how much she loved me, how wonderful I was as a husband etc. I found out, as my gut was telling me something was wrong when I saw she had booked a hotel in another city in her home country with this guy.
My heart sank and smashed. I reached out first and told her mom. Probably not the best idea, but i told her about was going on, my suspicions. She was hurt, as her daughter had lied to her. She had spent the last few days talking about me non stop and all her family and relations missed me. She said I should contact her...
So i sent a screenshot of the booking she made to the guy and that said hope you and xx are enjoying the hotel, thanks for lying to me... I had loads of missed calls etc, but i was too upset to talk.
Following day she messaged that we needed to talk, i eventually did. She was crying, apologising, lied saying it was the first time she splept with him and regretted it... We argued for about 2 hours, me pouring my heart out and asking her why, her just saying sorry. I felt she really didn't care.
Since then, instead of coming home, she spent another week with him in another country. They literally ran away, to spent a week with his family. She sent a few messages apologizing, then saying we needed to talk, then she said she knew i was speaking with her mom and also the AP Exs.
His now ex, contacted me to confirm what she knew how hurt she was etc. She told me her ex-had said my wife told him that she never wanted to get married, that she was going to divorce me, that we slept in separate rooms, never had sex anymore (all lies!!!!) which he believed.
I felt so angry, hurt and broken. I truly loved this woman.
So about 3 weeks ago, i told her i wanted a separation and kicked her out of our apartment. Shes currently living in a spare room in the city, with her work colleague. We don't really contact, i don't initiate, but i am polite. I know shes got another work convention next week and he will be there. I have only met her once since she returned. It was sad, she looked very emotional and was saying how sorry she was. She told me she still loved me, we kissed and hugged. Since then, I have told her I want to save our marriage. She won't meet me now to talk, as she feels she doesn't have the strength emotionally right now. I don't know what to do. I have pulled back now and I'm not messaging her. If I do, I'm polite but distant. I know the AP's EX, is furious and is constantly giving out to the AP. I have told her, it's not a good idea, as you're just pushing them closer. The AP thinks they're in love, i could see in my wife's eyes what she still loves me. That day I asked her 5 times while holding her face in my hands if she didn't love me and wanted a separation, it was ok. Just tell me. She couldn't say it. She didn't want to say goodbye, She kissed me and said how could I ever trust her again. I told her through hard work, we could make it. She doesn't want to leave her Job, our the town we both work in. She doesn't want to go back to his country either, where he works.She is now on the pill and told me she doesn't want to get pregnant again and have a misscarraige....
Her family are very hurt, so are mine. I have stopped telling them stuff now. I'm trying to get on with my life and be the best I can be, and GAL.
it's so tough. I don't think my wife is 100% at the moment. She needs therapy, which she said she's organising. I really hope she goes, as this hopefully will help her. She won't talk to me, as she feels she isn't strong enough emotionally. I have been very gentle, not pursuing our being angry with her. I don't want to give her any more reasons to say "he's a dick husband, glad I cheated on him". I have told the AP ex the same, as she isn't helping the situation. She is only creating a siege mentality with my wife an her AP.
or else shes just a very cruel and a liar. I'm detaching now, keeping myself busy, reading more books. I have ordered DB and DR, however as she isn't under my roof now, she's continuing her affair and not showing me any signs of wanting to be with me, or talk to me in person, it's torture. I feel, I just have to wait until the affair it dies out. I don't know where this came out of, maybe she never wanted to get married, or the miscarriages. I never felt she sat down with me and told me what she really needed from me.... One minute, house kids etc, now chaos!
Hope you can help me. Sorry for the long mail, it's my life right now and i'm trying to pick up the pieces.
Last edited by Manta; 09/03/1807:02 PM.
BH: 36 WW:33 M: 2 Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018 0 1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019 LRT: Oct 2018 WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-64, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job. Hope you guys can give me some advice. I'm not in a good place right now.
BH: 36 WW:33 M: 2 Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018 0 1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019 LRT: Oct 2018 WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Thank you. I hope some of you can advise. I'm not in a good place right now.
BH: 36 WW:33 M: 2 Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018 0 1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019 LRT: Oct 2018 WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Sorry that you are here and living through this scenario. Right now it sounds like your W is pretty messed up. I can imagine that miscarriages and the difficulty in adjusting to living in a new country were probably hard on her. Regardless of what her issues are, you have to realize that they are HER issues. You can't fix them, only she can. She needs to go through her own journey and you need to give her the space to do that. At this point, you need to pull back on contacting her or talking to her about the R, and definitely don't talk to her family about the sitch any more. All of that puts more pressure on her, and that is the last thing she needs.
Remember to believe nothing that the WW says only half of what she does.
You mention that you are GALing? What are you doing? What are doing to become the strong, confident man that attracted her in the first place? What are your 180s? Are you talking with an IC? Have you read (and reread) the detachment thread above?
Keep posting and reaching out to wise heads on here for support and advice. This is a great community that will support you in these awful times.
Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Manta - sorry that your life has been turned inside out, but you're in the best place you could be with this online community. It has literally saved me.
I think you've done some of the right things - kicking her out and reducing contact. I would suggest that you slowly reduce contact with her side of the family just to get space for yourself. Also, I would advise that you also reduce contact with OM's ex. You guys can feed off each other and get to a really bad space mentally and emotionally. Let her deal with her partner and his actions.
Please read up on all the links that have been posted. Go NC/dark, start GAL, and take time with your emotions. We are here to help you along the way. Ask questions, journal, etc. Someone will always be reading. The best way to get a response is to ask questions about something specific. Anyways, just giving you some tips on how this forum can work to your benefit.
Do you have an IC? You said you're not in a good place right now - I totally understand. Who is part of your support system?
Take things slow. There is no rush with anything. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. If you are not sure of what to say to your W or what to do, the best is to do nothing. Come here and let us know and we'll give you feedback. Your main mission right now is to get stable and grounded and completely focus on your healing and recovery.
Manta, sorry you are going through this. It sounds like it has been rough. However, I am about to talk frank to you and I hope you realize this comes from a place of wanting you to be whole.
Before I get started, and I know this is an anti-divorce site, but what are you trying to save?
First, there are red flags here from the VERY beginning. She went hot and cold on you, and was depressed before you ever married her. She was involved with another guy. She didn't want to move to your country. Serious red flags.
Second, then she moves there is still hot and cold, depressed, potentially still in an EA with this "friend".
Third, a woman that isn't interested in her wedding?!?! HUGE red flag. I have never ever known a woman that wasn't interested in their wedding.
After marriage,not much changed. Hot and cold. Depressed.
My assessment, she always had 1 foot in and 1 foot out of this relationship. More than likely she always had other suitors. As she got close to them, she withdrew from you. As she got close to you, she withdrew from them.
So why are you trying to save this? Manta this might sting a bit, but the miscarriages were blessings in disguise. You can now cut ties with this cheater and move on with your life with no more attachments.
And you should do this with no guilt. You've done everything you could do! You gave her affection when she needed it. You have her space when you needed it. You carried the water financially, with the housework, getting her into therapy. Everything. There is nothing more you can do. DBing I do not see helping. Oh sure you should GAL, you should detach, you should 180, and you should be the best that you can be. But not to save your MR because it is beyond saving. But so that you can move on healthily and find your happiness.
Look back at your OP: The positives: she is gorgeous and you find her very sexy. The negatives: EVERYTHING ELSE
This was a relationship built on the purely physical. And I sense, that you are a bit of a rescuer. You thought you could take care of her, make her happy, rescue the damsel in distress, and live happily ever after. However, life is not a fairy tale.
Manta, good luck, but please take a step back and make an honest assessment of your situation. I feel for you, I really do. This has been a painful R from the very beginning. Ask yourself, has it been worth the pain?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I want to try and save our marriage, however I'm not blind to red flags etc. I know she has issues. I don't want to divorce without at least trying.
She is a good person deep down. There was many qualities i liked about her. She could be very caring, gentle and loving. We had similar interests and it wasn't always bad. We shared many wonderful moment's and dreams together. She made self improvements over the years, however i think the misscarriges broke her.
I thought for the last 2 years we were both on the same page. Same goals and had a plan. But in June she just flipped and was trying to live 2 seperate lives.
I'm detaching, GAL, trying to exercise again and spend time with friends. It's hard, but i know its the only way.
BH: 36 WW:33 M: 2 Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018 0 1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019 LRT: Oct 2018 WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Manta I think you need to read Sandi's rules. You are clinging to the ideal if who you want her to be. The miscarriages didn't help, but I don't see a lot of her deficiencies after the miscarriages that were not already present before. This is why I ask you to take a step back, do your level best to look at your sitch objectively. What would you advise a friend to do in your position.
Manta, I'm not seeing a lot of upside for you here. Just more pain. Your pain came through loud and clear in your OP And I feel for you. Badly. Maybe my guidance it's skewed because I've been through one sided relationships like this myself and I can honestly say once the feeling of loss is over you will be much better off. I've been through two such relationships and I'm so glad I finally let go of the rope.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
