Definitely could use some advice for this asap. W just texted me, she just found out about her GM. I responded "I just heard, I'm very sorry."
She called. She wants to bring S to me (or for me to come get him) so she can have some time alone because S isn't being cooperative and putting his shoes on, etc. She's a mess because of her grandmother passing. She txt again and said she's taking S to a restaurant. She wanted to bring him to my job and leave him with me...
I don't mind being there for family. But I really don't know how to navigate this successfully.
I know, that's how I feel as well. Unfortunately the task I was working on couldn't be put off, since it was critical. It took me another hour at least. But she waited 20 minutes to tell me not to bother her.
I'm picking S up from school today. I know she's probably going to be a wreck when she picks him up this evening. I wish that I could help her in any way necessary, but I doubt that she's going to allow me to.
I did contact her aunt, mother, and sister to express my condolences and tell them I love them, and let them know if they needed anything at all, they could contact me.
I know that W is probably not going to ask me for anything. And I know that if I tell her that I'm willing to help, she's probably just going to tell me how she doesn't need me for anything. But I'm willing to do whatever she needs me to do to help her out with this.
I know, that's how I feel as well. Unfortunately the task I was working on couldn't be put off, since it was critical. It took me another hour at least. But she waited 20 minutes to tell me not to bother her.
I'm picking S up from school today. I know she's probably going to be a wreck when she picks him up this evening. I wish that I could help her in any way necessary, but I doubt that she's going to allow me to.
I did contact her aunt, mother, and sister to express my condolences and tell them I love them, and let them know if they needed anything at all, they could contact me.
I know that W is probably not going to ask me for anything. And I know that if I tell her that I'm willing to help, she's probably just going to tell me how she doesn't need me for anything. But I'm willing to do whatever she needs me to do to help her out with this.
Be the lighthouse. Be ready to help if asked. Don't leap into action.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I called. She started in about setting a mediation date and asking about when she could bring the furniture this weekend. I listened silently and didn't cut her off. I stayed calm, polite, and firm. I responded "I have plans this weekend, and I'm not sure of an ideal time. Most likely it would be Sunday evening, however I'll look at my plans and get back to you when I know when I'm available. As for mediation, I will look over my finances and schedule and let you know when I make a decision." She blew up. She started crying, and said "you always have to control me, don't you?" and then hung up the phone.
OK, well this part sounds fine, her reaction was dramatic but I don't think you said anything unreasonable.
All the texting afterwards though, that was too much. You're just pushing her farther away and not accomplishing anything with those exchanges. And you are only seeing your side of the story. When I read the exchange I see a lot of passive/aggressive comments from you and a lot of unfair comments using S to try and guilt-trip her. There is ZERO benefit to you in any of that, you are just making your R with her worse. You've got to quit avoiding and ignoring her, and then lashing out when she tries to talk to you about the D. YOU CAN'T STOP THE D. If she's hellbent on getting a D she will get it whether you cooperate or not. So you should cooperate. It's fine to remind her D is not what you want, but you should also tell her you will not stand in the way. If she asks for info, then give it to her.
What is your goal, to save your M? Before saying or doing anything ask yourself this question- "IS WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY/ DO GETTING ME CLOSER TO MY GOAL OR FARTHER AWAY?" I think most of your actions are pushing you farther away from that goal, if that is your goal.
What is your goal, to save your M? Before saying or doing anything ask yourself this question- "IS WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY/ DO GETTING ME CLOSER TO MY GOAL OR FARTHER AWAY?" I think most of your actions are pushing you farther away from that goal, if that is your goal.
That's great advice. I think I heard it earlier, but I need to slow down more often and try to think before reacting.
I hadn't been avoiding/ignoring, but only responding when she reached out to me. The whole thing is confusing because it's hard to tell when to go NC and when not to.
I tried to apply the advice when W picked up S. She informed me that she has to work later tomorrow and she probably won't be off early. And then she ripped into me.
The couch, S's bed, and kitchen table she offered to bring over this past weekend was brought up. She was mad that I didn't have time for her to bring it by when she wanted to, and her friend wants to buy the couch. I said politely that I'd still like them. She said "well, you can pay me for half of what it cost." I told her I'd be here Wednesday evening if she wanted to bring them by. I told her that I know she's going through a lot today...and she cut me off. She began yelling at me about asking her to take her things yesterday and how it's awful that I even asked her because of her moving. I told her she's welcome to leave them here for now. She claimed that when I asked, I was acting like it HAD to be done then (which I didn't, I had just politely asked, and when she objected I dropped it).
I didn't argue, raise my voice, or argue with her today. I waved politely as she left, she just stared at me like I was an enemy.
We did have a tiny laugh early on when she got here, but apparently us being able to smile and laugh throws her into a tantrum of epic proportions.
I feel like no matter what I say, how I say it, or even if I don't say anything is wrong.
I'm so frustrated. But at least I know that I kept calm and tried to listen and be caring about everything.
W texted me after she left. She asked if I wanted some of the other things she has. I told her I would take whatever she couldn't use, and thanked her for asking me. I said:
M - I hope I didn't offend you earlier. I know today has been rough, and I'm sorry if I said anything that hurt or upset you.
W - I'm just tired of fighting with you, and I'm angry at you, so please don't take it offensive that I want to talk to you as little as possible, but I need to communicate various things to you.
M - I understand why you're angry, and I'm sincerely sorry for hurting you. I'm not offended, I understand.
W - Can you please request off for mediation? I will pay. I need to call and schedule it tomorrow. I was hoping to have an answer by noon today.
M - I will ask. I've set a reminder, I'll try to get that afternoon off. Try to get some rest tonight. You've had a hard day, and you deserve a break. I'll let you go, have a good night. And if you need anything, I should be around.
