Where to go, what to do?

[Ginger1]

Previous Thread:

Am I coming or going?


Back to square one.

I found an apartment in my town today. I am really on the fence. Do I jump on it? I really wanted to buy, I really wanted stability but I am in a time crunch and there is nothing at all on the market. I am so sick of moving. I am terrified of getting kicked out again. I seriously have to make a quick decision, by myself, and I have no idea if it's the right one.

I still don't get how I ended up here. Not where I expected to be this many years later. I saw a house, a new husband, more kids, happiness, and stability. I am glad I am in the minority and most who divorce at my age go on to have what I stated above. But I do have a career and a beautiful daughter, so that's pretty awesome.

I need a sign.

[kml]

Take the apartment. That's my vote. There are pros and cons but homeownership is hard.

[DonH]

Quick decisions - especially with such huge life decisions - are never a good idea. Sadly they sometimes cannot be avoided. However, why does this have to be quick? I thought you could force them to honor your current lease and buy you some time? That's really where to head here if you can - buy yourself some time.

With rare exception it's much better to buy than it is to rent - much better. You are nearly always building equity with a monthly house payment where rent is poured down a hole never to be seen again. If there is any way possible you can buy, financially it will benefit you.

That brings up another question, you didn't actually cash out of that 401K or IRA did you? Lord I hope not - otherwise that again is damages that should be recouped from that goof that put his house up for sale when he really didn't want to sell. That has to amount to thousands of dollars in penalties and taxes.

Regardless, I would not make ANY decisions like this for at least a few weeks. You are not in a mental space to be making life decisions like this. Give it a little bit of time - perhaps triple the time you think you need? Everyone who is anyone always says don't make big life decisions under duress or stress. Perhaps that's your "sign" for now.

[DonH]

Take the apartment. That's my vote. There are pros and cons but homeownership is hard.

LOL - KML... you and I used to be on the same page most of the time. What happened - totally laughing here.

[Ginger1]

Don, my area is no where like your area. Buying isn't really all that profitable. I am most likely backed into a corner and I have to rent. The odds of a rental at like this coming up again in the small time frame I have is slim to none. So I either jump on it, or I wait, then it is too late. Yes, I took out the money. I was under contract and needed it available. If I take this rental, I will get the 5K, and that will cover my tax loss.

I am in a position where I am not left with many decisions. I drove by a new house yesterday that just went on the market. We have had heavy rains. The front and side yard were flooded. Heck no! Then I drove by the house I was supposed to have and the old guy was outside trimming his bonsai tree. That house was perfect. Sigh.

I had a bad mom moment this morning. First, D10 was whining all morning about going to camp, she wanted to stay home alone, she wanted to come with me to work, ect. I explained to her that if we moved closer to my work, she could stay home alone more often. She did the whole "I am not moving thing" again. and then said if we moved it would make it harder on her dad and OWW. And that's where I sort of lost it. I told her I had no choice in this matter. I am living with what I was left with and when your father left me, he did not give a cr@p about how much harder life was made for me. I am in this position where I didn't have much say and I am making decisions based on what's right for us, not others. She apologized, I felt awful. But sometimes she needs to know this stuff. There was more to it, but that was the bad part.

yeah, I am losing it. The truth is, I bet her father would drop his week day, my daughter would blame me, and everything would be my fault and she would be miserable.

This life stinks. I married such a reject. I pretty much pay for it every second of my life.

I am barely able to function. I just want to lay there and close my eyes. But I don't. She gets to cheerleading, I cook dinner, I even took her for ice cream last night. I cleaned up a little. But it is all taking every ounce of my energy.

One second it is all coming together, the next second its all falling apart. Amazing how that works.

Now to take care of my car accidents......

[kml]

Don - you and I live in very different housing markets. Mine is probably much more like hers - overvalued and prone to boom and bust. Buy on the high side and you could be underwater in that house for years.

But the other reason to hesitate buying is Ginger has so much on her plate and not a lot of reserves to handle homeowner emergencies. Plus she still could well end up in a relationship where she ends up moving in with a guy, so anything she buys needs to pencil out as a rental or it could end up a huge liability for her.

Also Don - it was true for our generation that buying was a good investment but at today's inflated prices not so much.

As for the taxes - Ginger I believe you can put that money back into your IRA within a certain time period and avoid the tax hit -look into it.

[job]

If you think that you can't locate a place in the very near future, I would seriously think about the apartment. I know your time is getting short and you need to find a place and hopefully closer to your work. My sister went through what you are going through w/your daughter wanting the stay in the same area...but she listened to her and in the end, she did what was best for her and the children...she moved. Once the move took place, the kids love the new place because it has a community pool and rec center in the housing development. The issue about schools and friends, well, they can still stay connected w/their friends via electronics and go see them periodically or have them come over. It's not like it use to be when we were kids and only had the phone to communicate.

As for being more convenient for dear old dad and his wife...too bad. It's time for you to start thinking about you, your time and convenience. Remember...you are the parent and you have to do what is best for you right now. Your daughter will adjust and the time to do a move is now before she gets into high school.

[Ginger1]

I am going to go see it tonight. I can afford it, It's actually completely redone, there is a pool in the complex, ect. second floor, one assigned parking spot. More than I pay now, for less, but what can I do?

I don't want to be making any big decisions right now, but I don't have a choice.

KML, you are correct, buying at the height right now where I am not planning on making this my forever home, whether I move in with a guy or not, could leave me with a loss. Not an investment.

As for moving her, I would really like to, but so hastily might not be the right move. Plus, the market isn't so hot where I am looking either, it's just a bigger area.

Maybe my best bet is to take this, and see where I am a year from now. I hate moving so much, but I am not really left with a choice.

I really do need to start thinking about myself. Moving would be good for me out of this town. I don't really give two sh!its about how not easy it is for ex's and his wife's one stinking night a week. They don't raise her. I do. They bring her on vacation and to parties and wear matching clothing. I make sure her needs are met. She will see it one day. She sees it now, because anything she needs, she asks me. Never her father. Ever.

[Dawn70]

While quick decisions are never pleasant, I think you are right in looking at the apartment and giving it serious consideration. It may not be perfect but life never is, so you have to make the best decision for you and D10 right now. Circumstances will surely change down the road and maybe a house that is perfect for you will pop up later. Life has a funny way of working things out for you sometimes and I think that the house deal falling through may be a blessing in disguise for you. I know it doesn't seem that way now. But, I think it means there is something better on the horizon.

May I ask a rhetorical question? I want to preface it with this: I think, from what I know of you through your posts, that you are a strong, confident, take charge, get it done, fiery, passionate woman. You work hard, you love hard, and you are fiercely loyal to those who are loyal to you. You have amazing strength and drive and you are single-handedly raising a lovely young woman who will be a productive part of our society in her future. And, she has a fantastic role model in you to show her how to be a real woman. Those are all amazing qualities. So, here's the rhetorical question/comment part. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but you seem somewhat bitter about what might have been if your XH had been different than he is. I understand that, in simplest terms, he's a loser and you feel like you chose wrong in marrying him, but you can't change that. You can't change him. He is who he is. I say that because of the last line of your post above and that is not the first time you have made statements about how bad he was as a husband or how bad he is as a father. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm NOT putting you down for making those statements or feeling that way. You are certainly entitled to feeling and posting whatever you want. I'm just wondering if maybe you are holding on to some anger or bitterness that might serve you better to just let it go. He's not going to change.....EVER....because people do NOT inherently change. So, why waste the mental energy on being upset with, angry at, or even giving a second thought to, for that matter, someone who is SO insignificant? Sure, he's your D's dad and you can't change that either, but as she gets older, she can develop her own relationship with him that has absolutely nothing to do with you and you can have less and less contact with him. You share a child, but when that child is no longer a child, there really won't be much reason for you to have to deal with him.

You have so much going for you in a positive way that I sometimes hurt for you when I see you mention things like that. Again, I'm not trying to tell you what to feel or what to post, but just making an observation from the outside looking in. And, I also say all this because it was pointed out to me recently too. I rarely think of or even talk about my XH to anyone in my circle, but occasionally, particularly when I am having a rough day, I will spew some anger about him to someone I'm venting to. Someone recently pointed that out to me and it made me stop and pause about why I was even letting him take up space in my head. Of course, our sitches are different in that "our" children are actually HIS children and they were all adults when we got D'ed so there is NO reason for us to maintain contact for their sake or benefit like you have to do with D10 and her dad. It's like that old saying about holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent-free in your head. Or my personal fave: holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

You are amazing, G! You truly are. Life keeps handing you sh!t sandwiches for some reason lately, but you are going to come out of this on the other side, stronger, wiser, happier and better for all of it because you are a fighter and a survivor. It's all going to be ok. Hang in there! Positive thoughts, vibes and prayers are coming your way from down south.

[DonH]

As for the taxes - Ginger I believe you can put that money back into your IRA within a certain time period and avoid the tax hit -look into it.

This is a very good point - one I should have brought up myself! You should have 60 days to return or roll back the money you took out. You don't even have to return it to where it came from. You can simply roll it over into a current Ira you may already have or simply open a new one. This should be strongly considered as it will save you both the 10% penalty and the income tax. This likely will amount to thousands of dollars of savings and is a really big deal. It's sad that you rushed to cash out (triple it) but all is not lost - you can still fix it! Putting that money back will save you thousands and you can use the $5K for other things!

I'm no expert on realastate. Obviously with most investments if you buy high and end up selling low it's going to result in a loss. I've done extremely well for myself and for companies I ran but real estate was a small piece of doing that. As I said in my origional post, making a quick decision is not usually a good one. Certainly buying something quick is more likely to be a bad idea than is renting for a year longer while you continue to look. All that said, to assume real estate is a bad investment in 2018 is a hard sell to me. Buying the right home at the right price for even 3 years is often a money maker. A $1,500 monthly lease will cost $54,000 with no equity at the end. The same or a little more put towards a mortgage will net equity plus the potential for value increases. If you can extend that out to 5 or 10 years the majority of homes will be worth more than they were purchased for. There are exceptions and yes, home owernership takes time some skills and some money. Things need to be repaired and replaced. It's not for everyone. However there is a reason most financial planners and professionals advocate home ownership over renting over the long term.