Standing our ground - together as a family

[SBJ]

Irish, I'm glad that you and the girls are looking forward to next week and Halloween. I enjoy this time of year because of the Holiday Season and also whitetail season here in TX. For the first time ever my D16 has agreed to go with me. I am so excited to share something else I love with one of my children. You have been inspirational in that regard with your girls.

As for your X...she is obviously still in the depression that is MLC. I am sorry that you have to continue to dealing with this batchitcrazy sitch. I like you have tried to turn it all over to God and let him sort it out. His way and His time has become my motto.

Continue to fight the fight and keep us posted...monthly or quarterly if possible.

[marina7]

Irish,

Catching up,
Wow your W sounds alot like mines. I believe once I do
get full custody W would be like your W.

I know one thing is people that commit suicide
don't cry for help. They just do it. That's why many
People that do commit suicide family and friends
Say there where no signs. So W just looking for
Attention.

I hoping that's the case. All we LBS can do is
Pray for them. And remind yourself and girls not your fault.

I wish I lived in your neighborhood my kids and I would be
At that haunted house. We love Halloween in fact Halloween is one
Of my favorite Holiday then Christmas.

Sending lots of praying your way for you and girls...

[Gordie]

Irish

As always

You are an inspiration

Prayers for you and the girls

and your ex

[DnJ]

Hello Irish

It is very nice to hear from you.

You exW sounds like she is still a mess. I do understand your concerns regarding her, I hope she finds the strength to reach out for help. In some ways it sounds like she has, posting and talking about it will,help her express her feelings and not keep them bottled up.

You, dear Irish, are doing amazing.

You have raised two wonderful ladies and are living life in greatness.

I do think of you often, thanks for popping in with an update.

DnJ

[Irish M]

Hey everyone.

Well Halloween was a huge success. We had line ups down the street. A lot of praise from the parents and just as many adults walking through my little house of horrors as kids. Some didn't make it out and chose to back track out.

all in all was a great time. I also was visited by the city and they awarded me with the best decor and set up. Nice basket of wines, gift cards, season passes to the nature island nearby and some show passes. I was amazed. Girls were jumping for joy.

With all theses good emotions the next day was not so heartwarming.

I was out of town and a bailiff drops in. Her timing on these things are unbelievable.

Well D16 was home from school and she accepted it. Texted me pictures of the envelop and opened it up.

XW, is now asking for a review of our salaries so she can not pay the minimal amount every 2 weeks she is currently paying.

She is also claiming that i am keeping the girls from her.

So I get home on the 2nd and read this thing over .

she is saying she is now only making 31000$ , a drop from her 55000$ she was making due to a job change. She has a new job. The 5th one in 5 years. Her past job, I'm sure she made more because 55K was her base salary. She also had commissions and bonuses. But I never challenged it. Her current job is a clerk in a grocery store. So she is on the down slide of careers.

She is also stating that D18 is no longer a minor and she shouldn't have to contribute. She will continue to support D16 but at a reduced rate on account of her limited income.

Along with the claim I keep the girls from her.

I contacted my lawyer. He said email her lawyer and say the facts. add documents to back them up and challenge it. CC him and mention that I will seek council if needed. Again no charge for this from my lawyer. They guy has been amazing

So i write.

I agree to the review in salaries but I won't accept the removal of D18 from the child support payments. She is a full time student with limited income as well. By law, as long as she is a full time student, child support continues. See attached.

Also in the agreement I am entitled to child support and request additional support for school, medical and other. 50% covered by both parties. I have not once did this. Nor will I . But if this continues I will start sending her receipts and demanding payment.

As for the keeping the girls from her. I will give you the benefit of the doubt as you are her forth lawyer and may be unaware of he situation. Please see the divorce agreement and mediation files attached. Clearly XW has giving up shared custody on her own. Nothing to do about me.

Please remind XW that she
- gave up custody
- refused any counselling with the girls to reconnect
- moved far away
- denied the girls knowledge of her whereabouts and place of residence
- has emailed them no more than 10 times in the past 3 years with only 2 attempts this year.
- has refused any communication from myself updating her on the girls


as for myself.
- I attempted to connect them
- offered shared custody
- updated her on the girls health and school. Until i was sent a request to cease communication
- kept the girls emails open so she can contact them
- given her their cell phones. Not one text or call was made

So please update the file with our current salaries and resend to me so I can sign.


emailed it out. Lets see what the next move will be from her.

Funny how for me its the principal of it. Her current payments cover the girls cell phone for the month. Nothing more.
Food, clothing, medical, dental, housing and necessities is all covered by me. Also, the emotional care support and love given to them is me. So if she wants to pay 47$ every 2 weeks instead of the 75$ its no big loss to me.


But somebody please get her off the victim train.

hope you are all well.

Irish

[DnJ]

Good Morning Irish

What an awesome sounding Halloween. An award too! I am sure the throng of people participating in your little house of horrors was reward enough. Still, congratulation on formal recognition from the city. That would have been a nice visit to have.

You next visit, I agree, not so nice. I don’t mean the bailiff, they are only doing their job. The true visit is from exW.

I total understand what you are saying regarding child support, exW’s choices, the unbalance of all this, and the frustration.

Here, my W quit even speaking about child support. She was shocked she would have help out financially to raise her own children. After speaking with her L, who told her he does want to see her anymore, she was told yes you owe DnJ child support. She didn’t accept that, she even called my L to inquire, he gave her the same answer and a warning that he cannot speak with her, DnJ is my client.

For three months she tried, promised, even saw her accountant a couple of times, to get her income figures, so we could atleast see where she is on the chart. The fourth month she just quit talking to me and has been silent since.

I, like you, have children in post secondary education (S20 & S17) and D16 is also planning on a similar path (S21 works on farm driving semi - phew! Money is tight enough). I pay for everything, just as you stated, food, clothing, medical, all the necessities. I do believe that the amount I would receive from W would be rather small, less than your’s, even with my four children, her income from grass cutting I am guessing is not very high. She did work at the hospital, stead job, benefits, pension - ah who needs that! She quit or was fired, not sure. She didn’t like not being able to come and go as she pleased. Her income tax for this year should be pretty interesting, I think she has worked at over twenty different places (she is still working at some of them).

I lead a work force, my views and actions can inspire or extinguish those individuals. I coach and mentor each of them based on where they are and what their needs are; and I hold them accountable for their actions. I have great success and a loyal crew. However this only works because they are healthy stable individuals and they want to be there, listen, accept, and learn.

Our MLCer spouses are not!

I total see the principle of the matter. For my case, W’s income I believe is small. If interest from her lump sum settlement payment is not included as income, I am pretty sure she we not even break the threshold for child support payments. I am considering sending a demand for her income statement after the new year, just to see, to find out what is going on. She is legally obligated to keep me apprised of her income and changes with it. Another item she doesn’t like or wants to do - so she hasn’t.

I do think she needs some accountablility. I am not going to receive much money in any case. I also do not want to have any involvement with any future financial ruin she made be facing. If she ends up on the street, in poverty, I will have had no direct hand in pushing her there. Hence my letting things go and not demanding any payment. Besides she is one mixed up person.

I do still believe I would offer a helping hand to her if she was in need. I am not sure of what form it would be or take, less financial and more tangible is my idea. Throwing money at her will not help and would just keep her there. It doesn’t really matter right now, she has to want the help first.

In your particular situation I do agree with the principle of the matter. Your exW had a good job and made payments according to the agreement. She also settled and dissolved the marriage differently then my W. The state she finds herself currently in, is not of your making. Yes she can and should apply for a review of the amount she pays. You have responded accurately and honestly, I would have expected nothing less from you.

You are correct $75 vs $47. No big deal - You’re right, you know you don’t need it. I am sure you have the financial part of you and your two daughters lives figured out (much like myself).

The small threat of sending her the bills for the extras, the part that both parties are to pay 50/50. Yes, I get it. I have those arrangements too.

Irish, you didn’t send her bills when she was better able to afford it. Why not? A better question is: So why do it now?

What changed? Her life sounds worse, working at a lesser paying job, lesser responsibilities, and lesser satisfaction. She still does not see the girls. She is still lost.

So what changed? Perhaps you. She has been stirring stuff up lately. It was probably a lot better when she was totally vanished. Something is going on with her and she is poking and prodding. Remember she is still in that cursed tunnel, lost in darkness, trapped in MLC. This has been, and still is, all about her! Just let it go, again.

Now the irony of me trying to give adivce to you is not lost on me. You are well ahead of where I am, and are dealing with situations that I may have to face someday. For the moment I am spared. I watch, learn, and work out how I would like to respond when my own trials / tests arrive.

For the record I fully believe you have are doing a fantastic job. I am trying to live up to, achieve, some gold standard in all this. To live the best I will be. As such I listen to many viewpoints and take what I can from each and apply it to my life. That is what I am offering to you. An other viewpoint, maybe based more on a compassionate view not yet jaded by as of yet future events.

Yes, your exW is still very much a determined passanger on the victim train. She does not see, want, or acknowledge the fact that she needs help.

You are the one that sees clearly and responds kindly to her actions, even when she doesn’t deserve it. Stay risen above all this, you know you could make her life a lot worst. Take the higher road, protect what you need to, and let her be.

I greatly admire you Irish, you’ve done one heck of a good job!

DnJ

[Irish M]

Hi DnJ

I read your reply a few times over the past few days. You are an amazing guy and father. I may not post as much anymore or add my views on the other situations but I do read them and especially yours. I can tell you that you are amazing man. I may be ahead of you only in dates of BD but you are right next to me in understanding this. Even a step ahead with what you wrote. Your question on the "WHY do it now" really made me reflect on things. I am so glad you asked it.

I had to read that question a few times to try to understand the Why. Is it because she has stirred the pot? Do I fear that if she cuts off the minimal amounts to the girls it means she is gone forever? Not sure. Something about not having the 75$ hurts. Cutting off D18 as if she was a burden. Hurts. Seeing her go downhill hurts.

I think i feel very sorry for her, deep inside I pray for her return to the girls. They deserve it and they deserve the answers only she can give. They are doing well but from time to time they slip as well into thoughts of doubt she will ever be back in their lives. I don't want that to be their true beliefs. I am doing my best to keep them open to a connection of some kind one day and not give up on her.

so the 75$ is the last string holding her to them. If they change it to 13$ I wouldn't care. She needs to feel that the girls are still there. That she needs to continue to be part of their lives somehow. So if ever she does wake up she was always somehow part of their lives.

So sorry you are here DnJ... but like i said.. amazing guy. Keep loving those kids, they are seeing you as their hero and will never forget it.

[Irish M]

Good evening.

Well response from her Lawyer was basic. She will not remove D18 from the child payments. (Nice of her, but she has no choice as it's the law. As long as both D's are in school, up until they finish university she must contribute in some way).

Her lawyer said I needed to update her more on the well-being of the girls and about their education. (Still unable to do so since the restraining order she put on me, no way to contact her even if I wanted to).

He also said she must be advised on how D18 is spending her college fund.( The funds that I put aside for the girls since they were 1 and she contributed 0 and tried to even steal that money a few months ago).

He revised the form that included both girls and filled out he amounts we make annually and what my XW will be contributing. A whole 42$ a week for both girls. So i'll deposit 21$ in each of their accounts for pocket change.

I signed the form. No fight on this one from me.

I did however remind her through her lawyer that the funds put aside for the girls belong to the girls and she has no say in when or where they spend it.

As per the updates. She can message them anytime as their contact information has not changed. I won't allow them to change it as it is the only window their mom has to communicate. If ever.

thanked the lawyer and sent it along.

Shame she has to communicate through lawyers. In reading his email you can see the messages she is trying to pass along. I really feel sorry for her that she cant break that wall and ask herself for the first time in 3 years. How are the girls?

How I would love to read that one day.

Until then... I have a basement shower to take out and replace with a new more modern looking one. I will have projects every 2 weeks until I put the house up for sale next June. The girls and myself feel the ghost of MLC here and need a fresh start. Also tired of burning sage to rid the house of negativity caused by all this. Time for a change :-)

[DnJ]

Good Morning Irish

I read your reply to “why do it now”, the day you posted it.

I’ve been mulling it over , and I’ve read it a few times.

It is well reasoned and thought out. I can see and understand your desire to have that last thread between the girls and their mom remain, no matter how thin or tenuous it may be.

The hope that you keep alive that if their mom were ever to wake up, she was in atleast some small way part of their lives, shows care and compassion; mostly for your girls and even some for their mom. It shows a great deal of you.

It is difficult to hope for a better connection between children and their estranged parent, to not destroy any relationship they have, to quietly be a stanchion for the possiblility of that better relationship between them.

My children’s mother, my W, has no threads, thin or otherwise. She does not provide any support in any form, money, care, or communication - well for now anyhow. She did have that one recent phone call to S20, I guess that’s something. Maybe it’s a start back, maybe not.

In your latest post, I see your exW will continue to contribute her meagre financial support. Legally she has no choice. I wonder if that fact shook her up a bit, she could use it, IMHO.

It is sad, that exW still will not directly contact her children. We can guess, and probably hit pretty close to the mark, as to the reason for why. At any rate, you are correct, her contact through the lawyer demanding you provide more updates as to the girl’s well-being and education, highlights her unfortunate state.

I must say, I was surprised to see you plan on selling your house. It does sound like you have a few projects to finish for the sale in June. You have been at this long enough too know when it is time for a change. Good for you Irish, and your girls.

How big a change are you looking at. Moving to somewhere still close, or a big change, new city, province? I don’t think you have any legal entanglements preventing you from moving anywhere you wish.

Best of luck.

DnJ


Hmmm. With all the money you’ll save on not buying sage, you could get a yacht, no a sports car, wait a Tesla, oh.. a Ferrari, not wait a.....oh ya - You like jeeps.

Love you man. Doing great!

[peacetoday]

Irish

Hi

You have done a great job and I totally get that you want her to contribute or maybe come out of the mess she created and be there in a better way for herself and your girls
and maybe this is your last bit of connection to this part of your life that was so important for a long time-

I think it may take a lot of courage and inner work for a MLCer that has spiraled down so low-to find their way back


we continue to let go of the MLCer but I always hold on to the hope that one day they may step out of their crises and step up as a human for their well being as well as their children

It happens, I hear testimonies at church --
people find their way back-

we can energetically send them the best-
maybe that can help them and help us let go