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Previous Thread:

New Year, new thinking....

Dear All

Just starting a new thread as the old one reached its limit. Thank you everyone who posted at the end if the old thread. I will respond to those posts but right now I am in need of some words of encouragement. I am aware of the fact that I am always taking and not giving much at the moment but I just do not feel in the right place to give outadvice and encouragement.

I just had my birthday last Thursday and it conincided idea with my D getting some retake exams results. She went away to a festival the day before and only returned yesterday but asked me to get them for her as she didn't want to know. I had my lovely friends stay with me and we had a great time so I wasn't on my own.

H texted me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday and then kept asking me what D's exam results were. I didn't think he should be hounding me about it on my birthday so I just ignored the text and enjoyed myself. He then texted me again the next day asking for the results. Rightly or wrongly I just felt so resentful that he couldn't even be bothered to send me a birthday card but I'm expected to readily send him updates on my daughter. He fired me as his wife, he should have waited to ask her when she returned from the festival. In the end I told him and then at the end of the text I told him he can go back to ignoring me again. Off course no response.

I know it was PA of me but I am fed up that he just contacts me to get information on D because he knows she doesn't respond to him. I just fell so angry and hurt and confused. I just want to cut him out of my life but I also need to talk to him to find out some things because this not knowing is not healthy for me anymore. Does anyone have any thoughts? It has been over two years and I think by now he should be ready to talk...?

Last edited by job; 08/28/18 01:27 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread

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Happy belated birthday Coly! I hope your daughter did well on her retake exams. I'm glad you started a fresh thread. I was wondering if you would.

I'm going to be a bit blunt and unkind here but I am sure you will forgive me. This is also just my own point of view.

Reading this this morning reminded me of our old friend Altair. Her story ended far quicker than yours but we both recall similarities.

In her case, her H just kept her hanging while he sorted out some career choices. When he had all that lined up - bam! - divorce papers were served. She was pretty broken up about it and the cavalier way she was treated and rightly so. Perhaps if his job transfer hadn't worked out he may have considered getting back together but who wants to be a plan B? She certainly wasn't part of the new life that he wanted when his job transfer finally came through.

I also have been thinking about my own ex-wife. She ran off after the milkman presumably based on lots of promises of a great life together. Three years later as far as I know, she's still just the girlfriend while he lives his life doing what he wants and they see each other from time to time. She stays right where he left her. In an apartment over a liquor store with her elderly incontinent dog - waiting.

I think you are reading in to him, your own desires. You suggest "he should be ready to talk". What's there for him to talk about? His life is pretty good. He has a pretty wife and cool step-daughter whenever he could want them, which isn't right now. But they sit nicely on a shelf just like one of his models. He dusts them occasionally but has no real interest in them for now. And hey - perhaps something nicer will come along. He's got the freedom of choice and also the freedom from choice.

I've suggested this before and you weren't ready to hear it and perhaps still aren't. And I know that it's not very "DB" friendly.

Cut. Him. Loose.

Save. Yourself.

If he truly is interested in a wife and family that includes you, he'll act. It's been more than long enough for him to deal with whatever unknown, unexplainable, unexplained issues caused him to wander off. My expectation is that he'll show some shock and remorse. Just enough to get you back up on the shelf where he left you. I could be wrong but I may be right.

You can't spend your life waiting for someone who has clearly demonstrated that you are not his priority.

(((((Coly)))))


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Happy Belated Birthday! I am so sorry that your h wasn't w/it and sent a card, but he's off in his own little world.

Coly, I have to agree w/Andrew 100%. You need to cut him loose. He's not going to do a darn thing because he's got the best of both worlds. It's time that Coly created a new life for herself and leave him at the curb. He's certainly not making any move to make you a priority in his life...why? Because he knows that you are right where you left him. Coly, if you only have 6 months to live, what would you do? It's more than time for Coly to think of herself.


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Coly,

My heart still breaks for you. There is still so much expectation of him. Still so much disappointment when he does not behave as you want and/or expect him to. Maybe he texted about the exams to have something to talk to you about on your Bday that was safer than sharing any feelings. Maybe he is trying to reconnect with her. Who knows? But why does this upset you so much? He did text you a happy birthday. I now think your situation has not gone anywhere in 2 years not because of him, but because you have not been able to move forward.

I think the time to push a response is when you are ready to face the consequences of it not going the way you want it to. When you are doing it because it is something you need to say or a movement you need to occur. It has to be because it what is best for you at that time, not because you are hoping from some response from him, only to be snarky when it isn't.

Until you reach that point. That point of doing things for you because you need to do them, then continue doing nothing.

Maybe it would be good to go back to counseling and find out why detachment and letting go are so hard for you. I'm guessing there is fear underneath that is prompting this. But in every interaction with him you are very clearly still letting him see how detached you are, how needy you are, and that you are not letting go. Every one seems to end with your expectations causing you to snap at him. How are you showing him growth? How are you showing him a capacity for forgiveness?

Make sure you read DnJ's thread. He gets detachment in a way that I think can benefit all of us.

I am a huge cheerleader for you. I have so much hope for you as a person. You are someone I truly wish I could know. But for your own good, you have to let go. Set him free. Set you free. The future is unknown and unknowable, but the present is something you can control.

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Ugh.. AP, Job, OneArt, I can't imagine what you must think of me. After all this time I still can't seem to let go.

You all say I should cut him loose/let him go, but I don't know how to do that without D. I don't want to D so how can I let go without going to those lengths? I've tried going for months with no contact and then I contact him and the cycling starts. I know I should not have expectations but I don't know how to stop feeling so hurt when he does not do something he used to do for me or still does for others. Like the wife if his BF telling me what a lovely birthday present he got her. What could I have done that was so bad that he could treat me like this. This is what I struggle with.

He did this to me last year on my birthday. Not only did I have to deal with an emotional D when she didnt get the results she expected but I also got several texts from him to keep him updated. At that time I didn't want to seem mean but now I don't care if he thinks I am mean. I've blocked his number now so I wont have to worru whether I should answer his texts or not, I just won't receive them. I'm not sure if this is right or not but it felt like the right thing to do.

OneArt, I am not sure if I am ready to hear what he has to say but I know I can't continue knowing he is getting away without any consequences for what he has done. It's eating me up. I have been so kind to him and in turn he has lapped it all up and treated as a way to get to my D.

I don't know, I'm so confused with DB!


P.s - thank you for your birthday wishes! I love being a summer baby!!


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Coly,

I personally think you are a lovely, smart, and probably beautiful lady with an exceptionally kind heart who really, really loves her daughter and her husband and does not want to be divorced.

I think there is a difference between letting someone go and divorcing them. I do think some of them need the divorce. I don't get the impression yours does. I don't think mine does either. I'm pretty sure the OW pressured him and I was goading him because I was so sick of limbo.

Some people handle limbo ok. I did not. I don't think you do either.

How can you think he has no consequences? He is away from the people who love him and his home. I've never gotten the impression from you that he is living it up. Why does he need to have a consequence? Would him hurting more help you? I don't think it would.

I can only tell you that when I stopped caring whether mine came back or not and realized that my life is going to be on a certain and different trajectory either way, I felt so much better. I think control is a big thing with me. I had to let go of the idea that I have any control over the outcome and just be the me I want to be. I will never again agonize over whether he is going to come back or not. If he ever does, I'll look him in the eye and decide my action in that moment.

I read on another site that they wanted their H to be happy, just not happier than them. I don't even want mine to be happy. I would be ok with healthy or alive. I don't know if that is spiteful or just real.

I think for you, the key is to lose those expectations. They are killing you. If you didn't have them, you could invite him over or to do something. You could not care if he said yes or no. You could just enjoy his company and send him off when it was over. You could not expect to hear from him again and be happy if you did. You could invite him to do something else. You could let him go without snippy comments, or showing the pain all over your face.

So hard for someone like you who has one that doesn't monster, isn't irresponsible, throws nothing in your face, isn't pressing divorce, etc. That is why he reminds me always of Westo's. But, I also think he must be a more scared kitten than most. Maybe he does come around to see if you are ready to be more forgiving. Who knows.

Until you stop expecting so much, I just think you are not going to get anything. You still don't get that letting them go doesn't mean wishing them away, or divorcing them or closing your heart to them. It just means living for you. Making yourself happy. Controlling what you can and letting everything else go.

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Coly,

I don't think anyone was suggesting that you divorce your h. I, myself, was suggesting that you need to let go or be dragged under w/him. As OneArt stated, you have to let go the expectations and learn to live your life for you. If he comes around, you can be friendly, but those expectations are killing you. Your anxiety level ramps up when you don't hear from him after a certain time period and then you phone him. Try doing something different. Leave him be and allow him to be the one to call you first. Coly, I know you can do this. Get that rubber band and snap it each and every time you are tempted to contact him. It's time to put that ball back into his court and allow him to sense that you are focused elsewhere on your life and enjoying it. Sometimes, when they realize that we are happy and focusing on something elsewhere...that is when they start to peddle back to us.

Coly, drop that rope, let him go and you, my dear friend, begin paddling to shore. If he sees that you are thriving and living life to the fullest, he just may start contacting you a bit more.


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OneArt, you are right. I do not handle limbo very well! I normally need to see things being done, moving along. This not knowing is very hard.

Yes, the expectations are the killer for me. I just don't get how someone can stop caring in such a dramatic way. That is what causes my anxiety because it is something I find very hard to get my head around. It sounds to me like you are saying your H doesn't want a divorce anymore is that correct? And when you say he us in withdrawal does that mean he has stopped replay? How do you know? I think my H is still in replay although I don't have any evidence!

Job, apologies I hope I didn't offend you or anyone. I am just confused as to how to let him go. I have gone months and months with no contact and then I read somewhere that having a little contact helps to let them know you still care. Maybe I need to realise that this does not work and stop going down that cheeseless tunnel!

Yes, I need to get the rubber band out again. It used to help me before.

I just need to stop playing chicken with myself and like you say wait for him to contact me if he wants to. And I need to realise that all the time he doesn't contact me, means he doesn't want to speak to me so I shouldn't feel I have to make the first move.

By the way, thank you so much for linking my old thread! X


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Coly,

When something isn't working, you need to try something else. You've tried the waiting game and then end up calling him, so do something different....he knows you very, very well and he also knows that eventually your anxiety takes over and you call him...so prove him wrong. Don't call him at all and see how long it will take him to contact you again. I know you feel like you need to stay in touch w/him, but I can assure you, it's not that he doesn't want to speak to you...but his focus is on himself and doing whatever he needs to do ease the ache within himself. If he didn't want anything to do w/you, he wouldn't be contacting you about your daughter's info, etc.

You have to try to look at him as a former school friend, i.e., someone you don't hear from or see but once or twice a year.

It's time for you, Coly, to live your life and when he senses that you've moved forward and are having a great time, that is when he'll get curious and want to contact you again.


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Coly,

I'm going to talk in bullets here to try to stop myself from saying too much. I know I'm being confusing about my situation, but I'm trying to be more general as I got too specific previously.

1. I too like to see things moving, to wrap them up, to get them done. The situation with the MLCer is not one where that will work.

2. You are still thinking this is about you ("can stop caring in such a dramatic way."). It has nothing to do with you. This is him trying to figure out how to be happy.

3. To get the case to move forward he has to pay a small fee but even though a long time has gone by, he hasn't paid it. If he doesn't pay it, the case will be dismissed. Simultaneously, he is showing some clingy and desperate behaviors.

4. I think he is still in replay. By withdrawal I mean he pulled away more than he had before. He is now cycling back in (with me subtly) and with them overtly.

5. For now, I think you just need to work on letting go. If you see him or hear from him, make your only job to be someone who isn't expecting anything from him and does not need him to see that you are upset. See how that goes.

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Coly, I understand what everyone else is saying, but if you have not been able to detach, you can't beat yourself up or just demand to yourself, "DETACH!" It's a long slow journey with tiny eensy bits of progress. I suspect if you think of how you were around BD or read old journals (but don't, because what a huge upsetting time suck!), you can rest assured that you are way more detached than you were then. You are as detached as you are able to be right now. You will become more detached too, but maybe it won't happen so fast, and maybe half the time you will feel these backward pulls and just want your husband to love you as he used to. Today I had some highs and then I got hit hard while watching my daughter swim in the bay at sunset thinking of how my H was here with us last year and I thought he was coming back, and it was so much nicer than this trip (we do it every year with my dad) is this year, in fact, this year the trip was awful and upsetting 50% of the time. And I got so sad. It happens. Then you get back up on the horse and sometimes you can even detach really well.

I don't believe detachment is possible except as a grace from God. I have to pray for it all day everyday, and start the battle over again a lot. For those of us who don't want to D and won't initiate one, it remains deeply painful. I can see how "moving on" makes it easier. It's why they call it a cross to bear. The question is if you can make meaning out of it and willingly accept the pain because you have a reason to carry it. My reason is God, and so most of the time I am very clear on the meaning of my choice.

DB-ing is a great tool but it's a process, not a river you cross once and that's it, you are cured.

I know a lot of people here do it by sheer force of will but my will is not that powerful. I pray for God's peace, and sometimes I receive that grace, and sometimes I just long for my husband and can't ignore the fact that most of my life with my kids is like walking around with 1-2 limbs lopped off.

My vote for you is that you keep looking at how far you have come, not how far you have to go. Maybe it's beautiful that you still love your husband and long for his love. It hurts you a lot, and that's why everyone wants you to detach, because we hate to see each other hurting, but I am one who knows that it's gonna hurt to stand for your marriage.

I do think though that you can zip your lips. You can feel all these feelings and never let your H know. You'll feel a power and a peace in that.

And you also can battle the motivation of bitterness and despair -- if those feelings are motivating your actions, you may not be able to banish the feeling right away but you can refuse to act on those feelings and use the power of your mind to figure out what you would do if you were motivated by acceptance or even forgiveness instead. Keeping the news of the exam from H was way more trouble than just texting back, "She did great" or "Not so good but better luck next year." You can see it as a blessing that he wanted to know something about her, you can see it as a blessing that he did make contact on your birthday, even if it's not the way you wanted. You don't need to punish him, God or the universe will handle that. I posted something on Gordie's thread about speaking life instead of death over your M, maybe you can read that though it's faith-based.

But no matter how you see it, I do think you can use the sheer force of will not to give evil for evil. You can want to give evil and not be able to get rid of that desire, but you don't have to act on it. You can answer him politely and then go cry in the forest for a good long while.

You are doing just fine. It hurts. It really hurts. You are detached a lot of the time. Forgive yourself for when you can't do it, and know that there is a beauty to the love you still feel.

((((COLY))))))

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Originally Posted by Coly23
You all say I should cut him loose/let him go, but I don't know how to do that without D. I don't want to D so how can I let go without going to those lengths?
Hi Coly. (hangs head sheepishly). I actually am suggesting that you divorce him. You can't have a marriage with only one person.

I know that you really really don't want to do that. And of all the people in this wide world, I am absolutely not the boss of you. Just a friend who worries about you and means well.

No matter what your choices though I will always be proud of how you truly show what it means to love someone.


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Originally Posted by Coly23
OneArt, you are right. I do not handle limbo very well! I normally need to see things being done, moving along. This not knowing is very hard.

Yes, the expectations are the killer for me. I just don't get how someone can stop caring in such a dramatic way. That is what causes my anxiety because it is something I find very hard to get my head around. It sounds to me like you are saying your H doesn't want a divorce anymore is that correct? And when you say he us in withdrawal does that mean he has stopped replay? How do you know? I think my H is still in replay although I don't have any evidence!

Job, apologies I hope I didn't offend you or anyone. I am just confused as to how to let him go. I have gone months and months with no contact and then I read somewhere that having a little contact helps to let them know you still care. Maybe I need to realise that this does not work and stop going down that cheeseless tunnel!

Yes, I need to get the rubber band out again. It used to help me before.

I just need to stop playing chicken with myself and like you say wait for him to contact me if he wants to. And I need to realise that all the time he doesn't contact me, means he doesn't want to speak to me so I shouldn't feel I have to make the first move.

By the way, thank you so much for linking my old thread! X



Coly .... so I am a bit new to your thread but not new at all to this process. I went through my BD about 5 years ago and reading along the fact you are struggling with "Letting Go" jumped out at me as I am probably the posterboy on how not to let go ... our separation went on for 4 years ... yes ... 4 LONG years. I will tell you this, D does not magically allow nor let you let go either. As job mentioned this MLC process is a lesson on letting go or getting dragged ... I have the road rash to prove it. My advice and the best thing I did was just accept you are where you are, not by your choice but refuse to waste away the years reacting to what he does or does'nt do and apply that energy to things YOU can control ... like making some of those changes that improve yourself. Regardless of what happens you will benefit with a better you after this is all done.

To touch on the part you mentioned "How can a person just stop caring" ... I had issues with that aswell, in my sitch it was 23 years and all the sudden I was just cast aside. I learned through all this the MLCr has this ability to take all that love and feelings they had for us, withdraw them out of our marriage bank and do a direct deposit straight into the Affair account without us even knowing. Somehow this helped my apply some logic to an emotional riddle, the love and feelings were still there I just was not collecting any interest on em.

As far as withdraw, replay and all the stages ... tbh they are of little consequence until the baking is complete and you will know ... in my case I had a nice round with a touch and go that lasted about 3-4 months and right back into replay she went. This MLC thing is no fun for anyone involved hence sites such as this to help us wrap our heads around it all.

Keep your head up ... it does get better.


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Hi there Coly - just checking in.

All is well with you and your D I hope?


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Hey AP, how are you!

Thanks for checking in on me AP. All is good here, just plodding along. D is going to be 18 next month so we are getting ready for her party, all very exciting!

I’m also doing lots around the house and just living my new improved life! As for H, he has gone even deeper into his tunnel that he doesn’t even contact D anymore. I’ve blocked his number from my phone so it stops me from wondering if he might contact me. Doing this has really helped me to drop the rope.

To all those newbies. If you read this, I promise it will get better. Although i still feel sad about it all, I don’t feel as desperate or anxious anymore or feel the need to find any excuse to contact H. I didn’t even wish him a happy birthday and it felt liberating!

Happy Monday everyone! X


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Coly, this is such wonderful news. I am so happy for you. The sadness will probably still be there for a long time. I know it is for me, but reaching that point where you don't need to know anyone, don't need to reach out, and don't need to make excuses for contact is wonderful. I went through a time where I dreaded the contact, but now don't really care one way or the other. I've started hypnosis/life coaching to help me move forward and feel less stuck (I don't think I'm a counseling kind of girl, I want to leave the past in the past and focus on the future). Who knows what is out there, but I think it has to be better than the last few years.

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Coly - so lovely to hear from you. I'm glad that you are still checking in.

It sounds that despite I am sure the odd bad day that you and your D are having good ones.

Keep in touch - a few of us have found each other outside of here. The clues are there if you look and yes, I am the world's worst hide and seek player.


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Coly,

I am so glad you returned for a visit. You sound good and have been keeping busy. I'm sure your place looks fabulous! I can't believe your D will be 18! She is wise beyond her years! Happy Birthday to your D (early). Try to enjoy the holiday season.


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Coly!!!!!!

I just read the past two pages, It's a nice surprise from the beginning to this end. I am sosososososo glad that from aug, to nov your posts had a drastic change. Everyone drops the rope when they're ready, I'm glad you were and did. also proud of you for not wishing him a happy birthday, definitely signs of detachment. I'm glad you blocked him, but a little sad he's being a big old selfish jerk toward D18. it's been about a month, did D18's party happen ? did H reach out to her? -nothing you can do but to continue being the best Coly for D18.
what are the plans for the holidays?


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(((Coly)))

I still follow along here. How are you and D? I am sure we would all love an update. How are your holidays going thus far?

Blu


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Happy New Year Coly!


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Happy New Year AP! I was just coming on here to wish everyone a Happy New Year and saw your post! I hope you had a lovely Christmas and New Year celebrations?

Also big wave to Bluwave, thanks for checking in on me!

Happy New Year to all my DB friends! I hope 2019 brings you peace, health and happiness.

I thought while I was here I would do a bit of an update: D turned 18 in December and I bought her a car! She was so overwhelmed because she really didn't expect it. It took some work keeping it from her until the big day but it was worth it in the end! H also bought her some lovely presents and commented on how fantastic the car is.

H and D were also trying to arrange to see each other to exchange Xmas presents so I invited him to Christmas morning breakfast which he readily and gratefully accepted. He even made the scrambled eggs for us!! Having not seen him for months I was extremely nervous to see him again. When he came in, rather than his usual greeting of 'hi' and walking straight past me, he greeted me with a kiss on the lips and a big hug like in the early days. When he was leaving I got another kiss and an even bigger and longer hug. Obviously not reading anything into it as I know our MLCers become a little more friendlier during the festive season but it was nice to be hugged by him again! We didn't hear anything from him again after that day which I fully expected.

I was invited out to an 80's themed party with one of my younger sisters and her H for New Years and had an absolute blast! I haven't laughed so much in such a long time! I really had no expectations of H wishing me a Happy New Year as last year he sent D a text but nothing to me. However this year I surprisingly got a text from him at 12.30am wishing me a Happy New Year and hoping I have a great 2019! Lots of little celebration emojis on the end including a blushy face. My Sister thought it might have been a 'round robin' message which I would have also expected but it actually said 'Happy New Year Coly'! Nice to know he was thinking of me.

Anyway, that's my update. I hope you are all relaxed and full of renewed hope for the future however it may turn out. I would also especially like to thank Job for being such great support to us all with her wisdom and words of encouragement and off course to all my fellow DBers old and new, live long and prosper!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

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Coly!

What a lovely update! Happy Belated Birthday to your daughter. I'm sure she was super surprised at the car! I don't know how you kept that so well under wraps and she didn't find out.

As for Christmas, sounds like everything went quite well. Your h behaved himself and I'm glad you had him over. It shows him what he's missing and who knows...he just might go back to his place and think about the many wonderful things that happened that day

You sound wonderful. I am so very proud of you. Please do not be a stranger...we all miss you.

Happy New Year to you and your family. May the new year be full of wonderful surprises for you and your daughter.


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Hi All, I hope all my friends in the work of DB are doing okay?

I just need some help on not doing anything stupid!

I found out a couple of weeks ago and only by accident that H left his job but with no other job to go to. I only found out because I had to ask him a question about something housey and at the same time I asked if he was well. He then revealed that he was leaving his job and that his last day was the next day! I was shocked! I asked him why he did not tell me before and he said that it wasn't because he didn't want to tell us but that he just hadn't spoken about it too anyone much. Then he went on to say that he had met up with an old work colleague,who I still work with, for lunch during which I am sure he would have told him about it!

I am trying hard to be understanding but I can feel the rage building up inside me! D and I invited him over for a takeaway so we could talk to him about it and it transpires that as the company he worked for are in a bit of trouble he decided to get out. He gave them four months notice and during that time he did not find a job. He says he would like to do contract work because he wants to get experience in other areas of his field of work but I know it is because he has not been able to find permanent work. He also said he took a loan from his sister to get a car as he had a company car and has bought himself a fancy BMW!

I am worried because we are still married. I was really kind and understanding when he came over but my blood is boiling to the point I feel I am going to explode and it won't be pretty! It just feels like the aftershocks from his original decision to leave just keep coming!

Am I overthinking this or taking it out of proportion? I just feel so disapointed and angry I don't know what to do with myself!!


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Coly,

Breathe! I know you are very upset and angry that he didn't tell you...but you are separated and in his mind, he didn't feel it was necessary to inform you of his decision. He most likely thought that he would have another job by now and all things would be okay.

I suspect that even if the business was having some trouble, your h wasn't happy there and may have used that as an excuse to leave. Many MLCers do this kind of stuff and do not tell their spouses. If you think about it, who would borrow money from their sister and then purchase a BMW? Most people would get a regular car and not go for an expensive one at this time. His actions spell out MLC/depression.

Now is the time to run a credit history report on yourself just to see what, if anything, you may not be aware of.

Yes, my blood would have been boiling since he gave notice 4 months ago and didn't bother to tell you. It's too late to back track now...all you can do is keep a close eye on your credit and be mindful...he may come up short and be knocking on your door for a loan. You can have compassion and empathy for him, but he needs to learn some lessons about walking away from a job before having another one to go to and yes....learning to live within his means.

I am so sorry...I've been there and done that one many times over. Please, Coly, before you do or say anything to him come here for advice.

The most important people here are you and your daughter and your well being. Breathe!


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Good Morning Coly

You can put H’s latest escapade in the folder marked - “You did what?!? What are you thinking?!?”. That folder does get pretty full.

I agree with you that he “now’ wants (feels) to do contract work. Of course his inability to find full time employment would lead him to grab on to the next best thing and feel that was what he wanted all along.

He quit his job, doesn’t have another one, took a loan, and bought an expensive car. And you are the one worried about not doing something stupid. Don’t worry Coly, you are seeing thing clearly, and his actions are infuriating.

He is like an adolescent growing up, btw I’ve got four of them, three sons and a daughter, and for all intesive purposes and second daughter (GF21), so five I suppose. They do all kinds of stupid stuff and don’t tell me. The MLCer is similar in that they are exploring who they are and what they want or think they missed out on. It is easier to take when it is an actual adolescent and not a grown adult.

Just breathe and let your blood cool, you are probably right that boiling over would not be pretty. He knows what he is doing is not the most wise. He also doesn’t want to tell you, he knows you, and knows you would be angry and disappointed.

This is a good opportunity to show a 180. Remain calm around him and do not criticize this little mess he has gotten himself into. I’m not sure if you and H’s finances are separate or not; it is probably a good idea to check on your status once in a while to stay ahead of any unwanted financial surprises he may cause.

You can only control you. Work through the anger, and don’t let it get a hold of you. Let him do his thing, you really can’t stop him anyhow. You can only control you.

DnJ


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Hi Coly. Sorry to hear that this got dumped on you.

I would suggest talking to a solicitor to see if that since you've been separated for so long if you are under no obligation for any debts that he may have. And as job has so wisely suggested, running a credit report is undoubtedly a good thing. You don't want to see that he has perhaps secured some personal debts against the house. Some people have a feeling of entitlement and forging signatures has been known to happen.

((Coly))


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Job, DNJ, AP. Thank you so much for your responses. I remained pretty much in a very high state of anxiety for most of today. Very tearful, hurt, angry, disappointed. Even doing housework did not help me to calm down! I just want to call him and scream down the phone but I know that won't help!

Off course, reading your wise words has gone some way to helping me see that he is still not thinking straight. Especially as when we were together he had to leave a job because he was being performance managed but did not tell me the extent of it until he as pretty much at the final formal stage which potentially meant dismissal. My advice to him was to resign before he got dismissed and he was certain that he would find a job straight away. Nine months later he had to get contract work which eventually turned into a permanent position. I thought he would have learned from this as it was not very good time at all!

Job, thank you for reminding me that his actions are not normal. I am just concerned that we still have a mortgage together and he could use this to get more loans. I promise I won't do anything rash until I come here first! This morning I had a ranting and raving text typed up and ready to go but I stopped before sending it and came here to post. I've deleted it now just so I take away the temptation to send it!

DNJ, you are right he is acting irrationally. His excuse for buying the car was because he got used to having a big Company car! He talks such cr@p!!! I think I inadvertently did a 180 when he came over. I did intend to have a moan at him but instead we all ended up having a really nice evening. I think maybe I disappointed myself because I chickened out!! Yes our finances are separate and they always have been because he is so bad with money. :0(

AP, I think I am going to get some advice but I think I will start with our employee assistance programme. See if they can give me some free advice for starters. I really don't think he will do anything underhand like forging my signature but I am worried he could start to get desperate if he doesn't find a job soon. I just think he is so arrogant about being employable but with the uncertainty surrounding Britain exiting the European Market I think companies might look to cutting non-essential recruitment and contract vacancies might be thin on the ground.

I guess as DNJ says, I can't change anything now and I can't control what he has done and Job is right that as we are separated he does not think he should tell me anything although he said he just didn't want to talk about it much. That tells me that he is unsure of his decision.

I think I'm going to have another sleepless night tonight!!


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Coly, I would get on protecting yourself financially via the legal route ASAP. I understand when people don't want to divorce, they don't initiate, but when it comes to protection financially, sometimes a must to take the initiative. The longer you go married with him not having a job, the longer it's going to put you at financial risk.

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Coly, ditto what Ginger said. Please protect yourself.

My biggest regret from my whole situation is not getting the legal stuff started sooner. It’s been 3.5 years of sheer hell.
I didn’t want the divorce, so I didn’t push it. And his actions bit me in the butt, hugely.
But ginger is right.. him not working puts you at financial risk... you are married... his mess is your mess.

With that said... you’re still doing a good job with 180s and self reflection. Keep that up. The legal/divorce is strictly business.


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Coly, I have no real help to offer you at this stage, though I will re-echo the advice about protecting your finances. Better safe than sorry.

I would add that by sending that text or any other aggressive behaviour will not help YOU. You need to be a steady rock. This does not mean approving his actions but moreso not adding to his turmoil. His life is not great at the moment and it has nothing to do with you (as in it isn't your fault/doing). Don't let him associate you with his undoing. Stay out of it. With the exception of protecting yourself and your D financially/legaly.

Best wishes


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Coly,

I echo the other posters...get some legal advice and protect yourself financially. You have to remember, he's not the man you married and this new person can't be trusted at this time.

Please take care of yourself.


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Coly,

Obviously you must consider the legal implications of this and take steps accordingly. But, I think you need to dig in a little and find out why you have such a visceral reaction to this. Is there something there more than fear for how this could implicate you and D?

You have been living apart for a long time and I think making it on your own without a lot of help. Assuming you are not legally bound by his debts (which obviously you need to confirm), what is that has you in such distress?

Of course it is ridiculous for him to do what he did, but we know these folks do ridiculous things all the time. With mine, I honestly prefer to see him do something, rather than nothing. Yours is a huge wallower, so I would think something that forces him out of that comfort zone is not necessarily a bad thing.

You are sweet, and lovely, and strong. This is not your mess. Try to let go of the expectations that he will behave in a sane or rational way. Take care of you and D and eyes forward.

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Hi All, just stopping by as I saw a shout out by Bluwave on SKM's thread. Been reading along but not sure if I have much to contribute at the moment.

Roist Job, One, thanks for your posts above. I managed to calm down after my little flip out! I think I was just a bit blindsided by H's actions and very shocked! The good news is that H has a job again but it's only temporary for three months with the possibility of a extension. It pays very well so hopefully he is putting that towards paying off some of his debts.

As for me, I'm just plodding along at the moment. Not much going on with H although he seems much more comfortable around me when he comes over. Still doesn't always reach out on his own accord but comes running if I ask him for tea etc. He isn't as secretive about his life as much as he used to be and readily tells me what he has been up to and what he is going to be doing so that's different.

D is doing well. I'm very proud if the young woman she has become.

Sorry if I have been a bit rubbish posting. I find that as soon as I get on here my anxiety starts up again so I try to keep it to a minimum. I always make sure I pop in to check up in you all and to see how you are all doing. Sometimes it is very painful reading the posts from newcomers and that's when I know I have to step away. It's strange but i thought that would have gotten better but it hasn't. Maybe someone has a take on that?

Anyway, happy Thursday everyone!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

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Coly,

I am glad you returned to post an update. You do not have to come here and post about your h, you can always post about you and your daughter. You and your daughter are what counts right now. You might be plodding along, but you are still growing and learning new things. Life isn't about standing still, but continuing to move forward and facing each day and being thankful for what we have.

We all understand about coming here and feeling anxiety every so often. It's good to take a break and just live your life in the here and now.

Hang in there! You are right where you need to be at this time. Come back again very soon.


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Hey friend. Good to hear from you smile

I understand about needing to take a break from posting. Like you I followed along but did not fee like I had much to offer, so I stayed silent. I found myself drawn back here recently when I was struggling with a few things. I knew that I would get some good advice and words of wisdom.

Sorry to hear about H and what has been going on with all of that. Thankfully he managed to find a temporary job. It just continues to confirm to me that they really are just lost souls going through their everyday life. When I do see H, which is rare, he looks lost and sad and unfortunately continues to struggle in certain areas of his life. I have empathy for him and hope that one day he will be okay.

Like Job said, the most important thing right now is you and your daughter. Glad to hear that she is doing so well. Would love to hear what things YOU have been up to lately.

Hang in there friend. (((Coly)))

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COLLY!!!!

You must be getting keen on getting a start on the garden. The ground is still mostly frozen here but most of the snow is gone. I picked up a kit to grow some fresh herbs on my window sill and S24 and I are looking forward to that - if the darned things ever sprout. I have some seeds for habanero peppers that a friend from Trinidad gave us but sprouting them in the winter didn't work. I'm going to try again soon. Are you going to put much of a garden in? I know that you love doing it.

Your D must be almost done whatever the level of school you have over there is. I never could figure your educational system out. I hope things are going well for you at work and that you are getting to spend lots of time with family.

Anyhoodles - here's a big hug from your old Uncle AP (((Colly))) - stop by any time. We're always happy to see you but don't worry if there's a gap between visits. You have you and your D and a full life outside here.


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Hi!

Glad to see your update. Sounds like you are doing well and moving along. I check on the site several times a week, but have trouble keeping up with everyone.

I can relate to anxious feelings around posting. Just typing the URL can be a reminder. Sometimes I also just don't know what to say when little has changed. I think I will post something today too, just because I am inspired by you and skm :-)

I see so many of you that have created a nice community of friendships and support. I think that is wonderful.

Blu


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Good to hear from you Coly.

Best wishes


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Hello everyone and thanks so much for your responses.

Just wanted to come here to journal a little because I think I'm going crazy! D and I have been getting on with our lives as normal but H seems to still be there in the background almost like the opposite of a ghost, there in body but not in spirit! We have been seeing more of him and his communication is better. Recently he has been over for dinner a few times and took myself and D out for dinner at Easter and even bought me a very big Easter egg!

Last week D had an interview for uni which didn't go very well. It was very emotionally draining for us both and when we got home H texted to ask how it went and when I said 'not good' he offered to come over. I did say that if he was coming to see D then it was highly unlikely that she would come out of her bedroom because she was so upset (boyfriend trouble as well. Part of the reason she flunked the interview) but he said he still wanted to come over and brought cookies with him. We spent a couple of hours chatting on our own and then he went in to see D.

Now he has asked to accompany us to D's next uni interview and has offered to drive us. I'm not sure what is going on and if this maybe is the start if him inching out of the tunnel or if we are slowly reconnecting? The thing is that his communication, although better, is still very sporadic. Also, if this was in isolation I may not be as curious but my youngest Sister texted me yesterday to say that H had contacted her husband out of the blue after 3 years and asked if they could meet up.

Other than that D and I are both good!

Happy Monday everyone! Xx


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H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
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Coly,

I am sorry things didn't go well for your daughter's interview, but she can try again. Now, she has an idea of what they are looking for and can be better prepared the next time around.

I would venture to say that your h is starting the reconnection journey. It takes a while and lots and lots of patience and, of course, no expectations. Continue to treat him as you have been.


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((Coly)) - I've got nothing helpful other than a hug. According to what we've been told, they do peek out during holidays. Is this more? No way to tell except time.

I'm glad to hear that you and your D are doing well generally and are moving forward.


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Hi Coly,

After all this time, you must surely be happy to see improved communication and more contact from H. I hope you are able to reign in your expectations and go with the flow.

For a second let's assume that H is "waking up" and on his way back to "normal". That is a long journey upon which any time he gets scared, he'll retreat. You've heard all that before, I know, but sometimes it needs to be resaid at specific moments. This I feel is one of them. So still assuming that is what is happening, it'll take possibly a year before the connection is constant, real and fully felt by him. That's all going well. this is important for two reasons. Firstly you have loads of time, so don't rush things. It needs to unfold at his pace for it to happen. Secondly if the LBS latches on too quickly or too hard, the WAS has second thoughts. Not because it's not what they want, but just because they can't handle it yet. So any rejection or pulling back does not necesarily mean it's a negative sign. Treat it more as part of the journey.

So I think you just need to carry on as you have been. Stay open to communication and contact, but don't push for it. don't be always available either. Definetely don't change previous plans if H suggests meeting up.

As Andrew pointed out, there is the possibility that it is just a sporadic moment of connection before going back to no contact. But even if that is the case, take heart from the fact that H felt comfortable enough to do so. That is positive.

I know it cannot be easy to not Wonder about all the what ifs and contemplate all the ways this could play out. It rarely goes as we foresee so best not to waste time trying. Better to keep on living, focused on you and D.

Be patient. Give this the time it needs. I have my fingers crossed for you and send you best wishes along your path.


R 25 years
M 14 years
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Job, AP, Roist. Thank tou all so much for your comments.

Job - D has a back up plan if she doesn't get in this year and will try again next year. The degree she wants to take is very competitive and her age is going against her a little too. Thank you for reminding me not to have expectations! As you know it has always been my downfall in the past!

AP - it did cross my mind that it could just be the time of the year. I guess only time will tell. D and I are doing okay just getting on with our lives. We have even booked another holiday for a couple of months time, which we are very excited about!

Roist - thanks for reminding me that I need patience and that this will take a very long time if H is in fact reconnecting. It is very difficult to keep myself from getting angry or annoyed when he stops communicating after a period of lots of contact. I nearly fired off an angry text to him the other day but stopped myself, which I am glad about! I do feel H is much more comfortable with me than he used to be but I am so afraid of messing things up when I am with him. As you have all three alluded to or said right out, I must keep my expectations low and not think that we are reconnecting but I guess just enjoy the times when he us with us.

I will let you all know how tomorrow goes. I am nervous to spend four and a half hours with him on my own!

Happy Wednesday!! Xx


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Joined: Apr 2016
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BTW Coly - if you want some positive reinforcement - our old friend Westo is doing very well these days.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Sep 2016
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I was going to post to remind you Coly just how long reconnection takes, but Roist put it perfectly.

Thing are going along nicely with H and me, as Andrew has pointed out. It’s still a work in progress and probably will always be.

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