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Previous Thread:

New Year, new thinking....

Dear All

Just starting a new thread as the old one reached its limit. Thank you everyone who posted at the end if the old thread. I will respond to those posts but right now I am in need of some words of encouragement. I am aware of the fact that I am always taking and not giving much at the moment but I just do not feel in the right place to give outadvice and encouragement.

I just had my birthday last Thursday and it conincided idea with my D getting some retake exams results. She went away to a festival the day before and only returned yesterday but asked me to get them for her as she didn't want to know. I had my lovely friends stay with me and we had a great time so I wasn't on my own.

H texted me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday and then kept asking me what D's exam results were. I didn't think he should be hounding me about it on my birthday so I just ignored the text and enjoyed myself. He then texted me again the next day asking for the results. Rightly or wrongly I just felt so resentful that he couldn't even be bothered to send me a birthday card but I'm expected to readily send him updates on my daughter. He fired me as his wife, he should have waited to ask her when she returned from the festival. In the end I told him and then at the end of the text I told him he can go back to ignoring me again. Off course no response.

I know it was PA of me but I am fed up that he just contacts me to get information on D because he knows she doesn't respond to him. I just fell so angry and hurt and confused. I just want to cut him out of my life but I also need to talk to him to find out some things because this not knowing is not healthy for me anymore. Does anyone have any thoughts? It has been over two years and I think by now he should be ready to talk...?

Last edited by job; 08/28/18 01:27 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread

Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

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Happy belated birthday Coly! I hope your daughter did well on her retake exams. I'm glad you started a fresh thread. I was wondering if you would.

I'm going to be a bit blunt and unkind here but I am sure you will forgive me. This is also just my own point of view.

Reading this this morning reminded me of our old friend Altair. Her story ended far quicker than yours but we both recall similarities.

In her case, her H just kept her hanging while he sorted out some career choices. When he had all that lined up - bam! - divorce papers were served. She was pretty broken up about it and the cavalier way she was treated and rightly so. Perhaps if his job transfer hadn't worked out he may have considered getting back together but who wants to be a plan B? She certainly wasn't part of the new life that he wanted when his job transfer finally came through.

I also have been thinking about my own ex-wife. She ran off after the milkman presumably based on lots of promises of a great life together. Three years later as far as I know, she's still just the girlfriend while he lives his life doing what he wants and they see each other from time to time. She stays right where he left her. In an apartment over a liquor store with her elderly incontinent dog - waiting.

I think you are reading in to him, your own desires. You suggest "he should be ready to talk". What's there for him to talk about? His life is pretty good. He has a pretty wife and cool step-daughter whenever he could want them, which isn't right now. But they sit nicely on a shelf just like one of his models. He dusts them occasionally but has no real interest in them for now. And hey - perhaps something nicer will come along. He's got the freedom of choice and also the freedom from choice.

I've suggested this before and you weren't ready to hear it and perhaps still aren't. And I know that it's not very "DB" friendly.

Cut. Him. Loose.

Save. Yourself.

If he truly is interested in a wife and family that includes you, he'll act. It's been more than long enough for him to deal with whatever unknown, unexplainable, unexplained issues caused him to wander off. My expectation is that he'll show some shock and remorse. Just enough to get you back up on the shelf where he left you. I could be wrong but I may be right.

You can't spend your life waiting for someone who has clearly demonstrated that you are not his priority.

(((((Coly)))))


On BD
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S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Happy Belated Birthday! I am so sorry that your h wasn't w/it and sent a card, but he's off in his own little world.

Coly, I have to agree w/Andrew 100%. You need to cut him loose. He's not going to do a darn thing because he's got the best of both worlds. It's time that Coly created a new life for herself and leave him at the curb. He's certainly not making any move to make you a priority in his life...why? Because he knows that you are right where you left him. Coly, if you only have 6 months to live, what would you do? It's more than time for Coly to think of herself.


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Coly,

My heart still breaks for you. There is still so much expectation of him. Still so much disappointment when he does not behave as you want and/or expect him to. Maybe he texted about the exams to have something to talk to you about on your Bday that was safer than sharing any feelings. Maybe he is trying to reconnect with her. Who knows? But why does this upset you so much? He did text you a happy birthday. I now think your situation has not gone anywhere in 2 years not because of him, but because you have not been able to move forward.

I think the time to push a response is when you are ready to face the consequences of it not going the way you want it to. When you are doing it because it is something you need to say or a movement you need to occur. It has to be because it what is best for you at that time, not because you are hoping from some response from him, only to be snarky when it isn't.

Until you reach that point. That point of doing things for you because you need to do them, then continue doing nothing.

Maybe it would be good to go back to counseling and find out why detachment and letting go are so hard for you. I'm guessing there is fear underneath that is prompting this. But in every interaction with him you are very clearly still letting him see how detached you are, how needy you are, and that you are not letting go. Every one seems to end with your expectations causing you to snap at him. How are you showing him growth? How are you showing him a capacity for forgiveness?

Make sure you read DnJ's thread. He gets detachment in a way that I think can benefit all of us.

I am a huge cheerleader for you. I have so much hope for you as a person. You are someone I truly wish I could know. But for your own good, you have to let go. Set him free. Set you free. The future is unknown and unknowable, but the present is something you can control.

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Ugh.. AP, Job, OneArt, I can't imagine what you must think of me. After all this time I still can't seem to let go.

You all say I should cut him loose/let him go, but I don't know how to do that without D. I don't want to D so how can I let go without going to those lengths? I've tried going for months with no contact and then I contact him and the cycling starts. I know I should not have expectations but I don't know how to stop feeling so hurt when he does not do something he used to do for me or still does for others. Like the wife if his BF telling me what a lovely birthday present he got her. What could I have done that was so bad that he could treat me like this. This is what I struggle with.

He did this to me last year on my birthday. Not only did I have to deal with an emotional D when she didnt get the results she expected but I also got several texts from him to keep him updated. At that time I didn't want to seem mean but now I don't care if he thinks I am mean. I've blocked his number now so I wont have to worru whether I should answer his texts or not, I just won't receive them. I'm not sure if this is right or not but it felt like the right thing to do.

OneArt, I am not sure if I am ready to hear what he has to say but I know I can't continue knowing he is getting away without any consequences for what he has done. It's eating me up. I have been so kind to him and in turn he has lapped it all up and treated as a way to get to my D.

I don't know, I'm so confused with DB!


P.s - thank you for your birthday wishes! I love being a summer baby!!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Coly,

I personally think you are a lovely, smart, and probably beautiful lady with an exceptionally kind heart who really, really loves her daughter and her husband and does not want to be divorced.

I think there is a difference between letting someone go and divorcing them. I do think some of them need the divorce. I don't get the impression yours does. I don't think mine does either. I'm pretty sure the OW pressured him and I was goading him because I was so sick of limbo.

Some people handle limbo ok. I did not. I don't think you do either.

How can you think he has no consequences? He is away from the people who love him and his home. I've never gotten the impression from you that he is living it up. Why does he need to have a consequence? Would him hurting more help you? I don't think it would.

I can only tell you that when I stopped caring whether mine came back or not and realized that my life is going to be on a certain and different trajectory either way, I felt so much better. I think control is a big thing with me. I had to let go of the idea that I have any control over the outcome and just be the me I want to be. I will never again agonize over whether he is going to come back or not. If he ever does, I'll look him in the eye and decide my action in that moment.

I read on another site that they wanted their H to be happy, just not happier than them. I don't even want mine to be happy. I would be ok with healthy or alive. I don't know if that is spiteful or just real.

I think for you, the key is to lose those expectations. They are killing you. If you didn't have them, you could invite him over or to do something. You could not care if he said yes or no. You could just enjoy his company and send him off when it was over. You could not expect to hear from him again and be happy if you did. You could invite him to do something else. You could let him go without snippy comments, or showing the pain all over your face.

So hard for someone like you who has one that doesn't monster, isn't irresponsible, throws nothing in your face, isn't pressing divorce, etc. That is why he reminds me always of Westo's. But, I also think he must be a more scared kitten than most. Maybe he does come around to see if you are ready to be more forgiving. Who knows.

Until you stop expecting so much, I just think you are not going to get anything. You still don't get that letting them go doesn't mean wishing them away, or divorcing them or closing your heart to them. It just means living for you. Making yourself happy. Controlling what you can and letting everything else go.

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Coly,

I don't think anyone was suggesting that you divorce your h. I, myself, was suggesting that you need to let go or be dragged under w/him. As OneArt stated, you have to let go the expectations and learn to live your life for you. If he comes around, you can be friendly, but those expectations are killing you. Your anxiety level ramps up when you don't hear from him after a certain time period and then you phone him. Try doing something different. Leave him be and allow him to be the one to call you first. Coly, I know you can do this. Get that rubber band and snap it each and every time you are tempted to contact him. It's time to put that ball back into his court and allow him to sense that you are focused elsewhere on your life and enjoying it. Sometimes, when they realize that we are happy and focusing on something elsewhere...that is when they start to peddle back to us.

Coly, drop that rope, let him go and you, my dear friend, begin paddling to shore. If he sees that you are thriving and living life to the fullest, he just may start contacting you a bit more.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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OneArt, you are right. I do not handle limbo very well! I normally need to see things being done, moving along. This not knowing is very hard.

Yes, the expectations are the killer for me. I just don't get how someone can stop caring in such a dramatic way. That is what causes my anxiety because it is something I find very hard to get my head around. It sounds to me like you are saying your H doesn't want a divorce anymore is that correct? And when you say he us in withdrawal does that mean he has stopped replay? How do you know? I think my H is still in replay although I don't have any evidence!

Job, apologies I hope I didn't offend you or anyone. I am just confused as to how to let him go. I have gone months and months with no contact and then I read somewhere that having a little contact helps to let them know you still care. Maybe I need to realise that this does not work and stop going down that cheeseless tunnel!

Yes, I need to get the rubber band out again. It used to help me before.

I just need to stop playing chicken with myself and like you say wait for him to contact me if he wants to. And I need to realise that all the time he doesn't contact me, means he doesn't want to speak to me so I shouldn't feel I have to make the first move.

By the way, thank you so much for linking my old thread! X


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Coly,

When something isn't working, you need to try something else. You've tried the waiting game and then end up calling him, so do something different....he knows you very, very well and he also knows that eventually your anxiety takes over and you call him...so prove him wrong. Don't call him at all and see how long it will take him to contact you again. I know you feel like you need to stay in touch w/him, but I can assure you, it's not that he doesn't want to speak to you...but his focus is on himself and doing whatever he needs to do ease the ache within himself. If he didn't want anything to do w/you, he wouldn't be contacting you about your daughter's info, etc.

You have to try to look at him as a former school friend, i.e., someone you don't hear from or see but once or twice a year.

It's time for you, Coly, to live your life and when he senses that you've moved forward and are having a great time, that is when he'll get curious and want to contact you again.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Coly,

I'm going to talk in bullets here to try to stop myself from saying too much. I know I'm being confusing about my situation, but I'm trying to be more general as I got too specific previously.

1. I too like to see things moving, to wrap them up, to get them done. The situation with the MLCer is not one where that will work.

2. You are still thinking this is about you ("can stop caring in such a dramatic way."). It has nothing to do with you. This is him trying to figure out how to be happy.

3. To get the case to move forward he has to pay a small fee but even though a long time has gone by, he hasn't paid it. If he doesn't pay it, the case will be dismissed. Simultaneously, he is showing some clingy and desperate behaviors.

4. I think he is still in replay. By withdrawal I mean he pulled away more than he had before. He is now cycling back in (with me subtly) and with them overtly.

5. For now, I think you just need to work on letting go. If you see him or hear from him, make your only job to be someone who isn't expecting anything from him and does not need him to see that you are upset. See how that goes.

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