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Yup, on BD I basically told her entire family and our closest friends, plus my parents (with whom she already had a strained relationship).

She has repeatedly said that she is afraid of what everyone thinks of her now.

To have to R with me, and then do the walk of shame with everyone who knows...I am not in good shape.


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
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Burned,

In terms of working through the grief, it's a tough process. I would encourage you to reach out for as much support as you can. Working with a therapist has been helpful for me. Coming here has helped a good bit as well. I also have friends and family that I can reach out to and speak honestly about the sitch and my emotions (not common friends of the W.) If you are so inclined a priest, rabbi, or other religious official could serve a similar function. There are times when I have been down and just need to have that friendly voice on the other end of the line. The loneliness can be brutal.

All that said, and it is important, working through the grief is something that you have to do on your own. With my therapists I have worked a lot on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and even more so on mindfulness. I try to take time each day to meditate or practice yoga, which helps greatly with bringing me into the present moment. When I am struck by anger or overwhelming sadness I am learning to accept the emotion/thought without judgement. Examine it, see what the thought is underneath the emotion - what is the story I am telling myself. And then let it go. Release it. Come back to my breathing and to the present moment.

The other aspect that has been helpful for me is working on self-compassion. I would recommend doing some reading on the concept. It sounds so simple, but I know that I have struggled with it my entire life. So many of us have internal monologues which are so toxic, we talk to ourselves in ways that we would never talk to friends or loved ones who are undergoing some trauma or feeling like a failure. A large part of it is also tied in to recognizing our common humanity, how we are all struggling at times to do the best we can under difficult circumstances.

The other big aspect for me is simply action. There is a saying "Action precedes motivation." I have found that to be incredibly powerful and true. Simply getting off my a## and doing something can be incredibly helpful. Exercise is a key component of that for me because it aligns with my values, and it helps rebuild my self confidence as well. But it can also be something as simple as getting off the couch and cleaning up the house, or taking the dog for a walk. When I find myself loafing on the couch without a shred of motivation to do anything other than pop another cheeto in my mouth, the simple act of doing something can make me feel so much better.

In regards to the the GAL question - sure getting a new apartment ready is absolutely GALing. You are getting on with your own life regardless of the W. I bought some new things for the house, and have been hanging up prints of my summer trip to replace the art that W left.

Finally, and most importantly, yes, you need to let her go. Or better said, you have to accept the fact that she is already gone. Steve is 100% right. It hurts like hell, but the sooner you accept that the sooner you can start healing.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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So then you and I are in the same boat.

Don't go on that trip, you'll be setting yourself back.


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 966
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burned Offline OP
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Quick update, I was doing better yesterday and still doing OK today. Not much going on in terms of GAL except trying to get back in the game at work.

Reading lots of other threads and trying to understand something.

If W took off her rings and said we're working on being friends and "easing ourselves out of this," i.e., being nice to each other as we continue to drift apart...then how am I still her plan B? I am her plan NOTHING. Not sure what her plan A is. She says it's not OM, she says she is happy being alone for once. But I don't even get the impression that she considers me as plan anything.

I read so much about people having a change of heart when something or other happens. But this one seems like she is just working as hard as she can to get used to her new reality now that she has made her decision to never look back.

I know I need to just let her go and focus on me. I just like to understand things. So I could use some feedback. Because she isn't cake eating to any extent that I can tell. She's just letting go slowly, and grieving. So am I.

What does it mean that I'm so focused on her reaction to my threat to just bail out? I mean, it's what she wants. But then I said it and she thought about it and 6 hours later she talks like she is surprised that I would take such a dramatic step. But that's what she wants!

So I'm confused. Just very, very confused. I need to get back on the DB train and I could use a good whack over the head please.


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 966
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OK, friends. Time to fish or cut bait.

No idea if Sandi will ever lay eyes on my thread but she's the one I need. Steve says "let her go to get her back."

Sandi says that the friend zone means no sexual attraction and the way to kickstart that is to dump her. This is pretty consistent with what people are telling me IRL.

The only thing I can think of that would imply ME dumping HER would be to file for D. So do I file for D in order to paradoxically Bust the D?

Or do I just go darker and wait to see what happens?


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
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burned, do you want a D?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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No. Which makes me think that then I'd be doing it to manipulate, which is bad. I get it.

I'm just at a loss for how to show her that if she's moving on, so am I.

Edit: I know the answers. Detach, GAL. I guess I need to be WAY more patient. I just don't know how non-DB people like W perceive the non-action. Is it making me look weak, thereby robbing myself of the last shred of respect she may have for me?

Last edited by burned; 09/19/18 12:41 PM. Reason: added more

H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 966
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H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
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GAL does not make you look weak if you do it well. In fact, most of the time the LBS will become more attractive as their GAL activities take up their time. GAL is the opposite of non-action. Non-action is sitting around looking forlorn. GAL is staying busy. Always active. Not sitting still. Having no time to just sit and be idle.

burned, the posters that do GAL well are the most successful, and struggle less than those that do not.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by Steve85
burned, the posters that do GAL well are the most successful, and struggle less than those that do not.


I know.

So what you're saying is I can just leave D on the back burner for now, even though in her non-DB mind it's basically gonna happen at some point or another. Why else would she take off the rings and start erasing me from the house.

Edit: I say "I know" but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. So maybe I don't know because I haven't done it enough.

Last edited by burned; 09/19/18 12:52 PM. Reason: because I'm kind of slow

H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
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