Davide, I'll re-read your posts to see how you've been coping with the grief. Can you tell me what has been most helpful?
I think the major thing holding me back is the notion that I have to do the work of grieving, and then live my life as if it's over. It's almost like I'm afraid that if I do that, it really WILL be over. But then in swoops Steve and others (including my parents) who grab me by the shoulders and say, "What part are you not getting? IT IS OVER!"
Let her go to get her back, I guess.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I also just realized I made a major mistake by telling her, "It's hard to interact with you as a friend when I still have such strong feelings for you." Now she knows I'm nowhere near being truly detached.
She's wily. She called my bluff on the D.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
And one that would maybe solidify her decision that there's nothing left between us but a friendship that serves her needs and not mine.
You must not read much on this board. D is a step in the process. That is all. LBS put so much emphasis on D.
BD. Spouse sleeping with someone else. Spouse moving out of the home.
All of those are much bigger than D. D has no bearing on whether R is a potential or not. The only thing that D does is sometimes the work involved makes the WAS question if D and ending the MR is really worth it or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I also just realized I made a major mistake by telling her, "It's hard to interact with you as a friend when I still have such strong feelings for you." Now she knows I'm nowhere near being truly detached.
She's wily. She called my bluff on the D.
Yep. LBS' biggest mistake is almost always saying too much.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Time to double down on DB, I know. I backslid a little. She has that kind of power over me.
This week I have tasks in front of me that need to be dealt with. Buying furniture, gathering dishes and things, putting together everything I will need for the new apartment, into which I'm moving bit by bit over the next 2 weeks. For the last 3 months I was living in a friend's empty house while it was being sold.
That's GAL, in a sense, right? Not really fun hobbies, but work that has to be done, rather than sitting around worrying.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
The only thing that D does is sometimes the work involved makes the WAS question if D and ending the MR is really worth it or not.
Meaning she stays in the MR because dealing with lawyers is a hassle?
Why does the WAS take the approach of, "I'll do the work when I feel love," while the LBS thinks, "I'll do the work so that we can feel love"?
In other words, WAS stays in MR because it's less work. But then resents LBS more because they still feel stuck and powerless. I'm not getting it because I'm stuck in my own head.
Last edited by burned; 09/17/1801:05 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I just wrote this in Turbine's thread. And I think it speaks to your question:
Originally Posted by Steve85
I am a staunch "do not tell anyone about your sitch" proponent. First of all this is all private stuff. If you are going to discuss it with anyone you should first get your W's permission.Note, this is just my opinion. Opinions on this will vary.
The reasons I advocate this approach are:
1) It is pressure on your WAW. No way around it. Eventually, the minister would say something to her. Or her knowing he knows alone would be pressure. Remember, you are trying to remove all pressure and pursuit.
2) People's hearts are in the right place, but you will be given traditional marriage advice. IE Pursue....pressure...reconnect. The whole reason DB exists is because in the vast majority of cases that advice doesn't work. People you are close to will give you advice based on the fact that they care about you and don't want to see you hurting. "Just file for D." "Say this to her." Etc. Its better to DB and not try to incorporate advice from people to close to the sitch.
3) It makes it harder for the WAW to come back. It is hard enough for her to reconcile with you, and get past all of the things that have been said and done between the two of you. If she feels that she also has that dynamic going on with your family, and friends, and minister, and other members of the church, then it might end up being too much work, and push her to just give up.
Be very careful who you tell. sandi gave me advice early on not to "out" my WAW to the Church. That was sound advice, and I strongly suggest the LBS think very carefully before talking to people about your sitch, especially people the WAW will have a relationship in the future if your MR moves to R.
Note #2.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
