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Is this the part where I need to GAL and see if she gets interested now that the stakes are higher and there's even less pressure?
burned,
Yes this is the part you need to GAL- NOT to see if she gets interested but to evolve into the best you possible. IF she get interested now that you have become [b]AWESOME.[/b] Then you must continue on your path to AWESOMENESS. Good luck on your journey


M51 w50
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S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
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BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Originally Posted by burned
"I’m not in a rush to file paperwork or anything. If you want to keep trying, understanding that we’ll be friends for a while, we can do that."

"I generally feel pretty ok living by myself. I’m not trying to 'dump' you and move on. I know you are working hard and that change takes time. If you’re willing to live separately and keep talking, that might be ok with me. But you have to understand that maybe we’ll be just friends for a while."


I'm assuming both of these quotes are her to you? Do you see who has all the control here? HER. Do you see who is happily camped out as a Plan B for her? YOU. Do you know what kind of progress you can expect in this scenario? NONE. You will ALWAYS be Plan B if you let this continue. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. That's why we keep pushing GAL, because it's you taking some control back (and eventually, all of it back). If she says something like this again here is how you should respond: "Sorry W but I am not interested in being friends with you. We can't go from a long term marriage to being friends, that won't work for me. If you eventually decide you want to be more than friends then I will see where I am at that time and we can discuss it then and decide if it's worth pursuing."

I get very frustrated reading about how crappy many of the WAS's are treating their LBS and how the LBS just keeps going back with big ol' puppy eyes begging for scraps. You are worth WAY more than her little scraps of attention.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
[quote=burned]I get very frustrated reading about how crappy many of the WAS's are treating their LBS and how the LBS just keeps going back with big ol' puppy eyes begging for scraps. You are worth WAY more than her little scraps of attention.


AMEN TO THAT BROTHER!!!!!!!

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Loving it! Thanks guys. Feeling a lot more awesome as the day goes on. smile


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Originally Posted by Steve85
Quote
Confidence. It will show through at MC, along with a slightly detached vibe of, "Yup, I like me, you can like me if you want, or not. I won't die either way."


OH MY GOODNESS. This is perfect. If you can pull that off you'll have her eating out of your hand. In fact, any LBH, if he can do this well, puts himself in great shape.


I think maybe I hit that point fairly recently. Here's where I'm at:

In MC last week, she finally said she doesn't think she can go on. So MC is done. We can't file for D until December at the earliest (have to have been living apart for 6 months). The thought is terrifying, and there's nothing I can do about it. Does this still count as limbo?

So I detached, big time, since I really had no other option at this point. Not the kind of detachment I was doing before. It feels more real. And then we spent some time together over the weekend, believe it or not. Suddenly she's acting different. I know I can't read too much into it. Maybe a bit more sad (could be because of grief now that she feels she has made a decision), definitely a bit more interested. Sending texts for no particular reason (I don't text her unless she texts first).

Fine, OK. But nothing is guaranteed. My life has to go on, and it will. Is she sad because she is losing me? Maybe. Does that mean she is having second thoughts? Who knows. Does it affect how I will spend my week? Nope. I am all confidence, at least for now. It's either that, or keep waiting and wallowing and suffering. Now I get to take back control of my life, my time, my job, my sense of self. This is taking more strength and patience than I thought I had in me. But discovering what I have in me, that I didn't think I had, is a really good feeling. It's starting to feel like I'm doing it for me. The pain/sadness comes and goes, but I push through it because I have to.


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Detachment really works. First, it works to help you move on no matter what. Secondly it works that when you really do it well, the WAS will respond positively almost always.

Just keep DBing. And detaching. Don't let up.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
... ... the WAS will respond positively almost always.


I almost jumped all over that one. But then I wouldn't really be DBing if I was concerned with how she reacts. smile

But, on the off chance that she does respond...how would I know? I mean, she isn't going to run up to me and say, "I'm sorry, I was wrong, let's do this thing." And I'm probably wrong but I feel like there's a difference of opinion on this board between taking the crumbs or waiting until there's some kind of commitment. What does the commitment look like?

In other words, how do I know when to stop thinking of the crumbs as crumbs?

And I'm starting to get the whole thing about "It feels wrong but it works." It feels SO wrong, from the perspective of "It will win her back." But it seems to feel right in terms of taking care of myself.


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SO I guess I didn't make my point well enough. The point I was making was that IF you detach FOR YOU, she will likely respond positively. But when you try to detach to get her to respond positively she will know you are trying to manipulate here.

And trust me, when she reacts positively YOU WILL KNOW. She will make sure you know.


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Originally Posted by burned

But, on the off chance that she does respond...how would I know? I mean, she isn't going to run up to me and say, "I'm sorry, I was wrong, let's do this thing."


Originally Posted by Steve85

And trust me, when she reacts positively YOU WILL KNOW. She will make sure you know.


This is a head shot!


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Originally Posted by neffer
Originally Posted by burned

But, on the off chance that she does respond...how would I know? I mean, she isn't going to run up to me and say, "I'm sorry, I was wrong, let's do this thing."


Originally Posted by Steve85

And trust me, when she reacts positively YOU WILL KNOW. She will make sure you know.


This is a head shot!


What do you mean?


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
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