Brunch in Ravenna

[AndrewP]

Prior thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2807877&page=1


The last time I was in metaphorical Ravenna I was focused on the river that runs just south of the city to the sea.

I have fond memories of discussions "there" a long time ago with my good friends from here. Altair, Coly, Westo and of course job. I form images of people in my mind based on my impressions of them. In my minds eye, Altair was a petite brunette who was always well dressed, Coly was a perky blonde with a tendency to giggle, Westo was tall with blonde dyed hair and a loud laugh, job a mature slim lady with greying hair who would sip a absinthe and watch the world passing by through clear grey eyes.

I am absolutely positive that I am wrong about much of this, but that was the image that I had in my mind.

Ravenna has much more to offer. I hadn't known then that it used to be the capital of the Roman empire for a time. There is a lot to explore including I am sure some fine cafes and restaurants along with the museums and the general pagentry of masses of humanity busily living.

Perhaps one day I'll go there for real.

I mentioned in my prior thread that this thread marks a pivot in my journey. I have a destination in mind. It will be a good place. One with Joy and perhaps love. I am no longer a lost traveller. I don't know the path but I see the destination.

It is often written that you can't cross the same river twice. I think that to be true. I'll be crossing the Rubicon again eventually as I set my feet on my new path.

But for now, I'm glad to have you all voyaging along with me. I understand that the pastries here are divine.

[Rose888]

It might be a productive exercise to read through your last post on the previous thread (or really any post where you are journaling) and count the number of times you "expect" or "suspect" or "think" or attribute motives to others.

[AndrewP]

My heavens - what a busy week thus far.

I spent Monday and Tuesday at our local plant and found that my job description there seems to have changed dramatically to essentially be "and other duties as required". I've chosen to embrace this and seem to have become for the moment at least that division's go-to person on process and procedure and on finding out what really is going on. The president seemed amused when I told him that how I was getting stuff done was by calling people, letting them complain about him for 20 minutes and then sorting everything out. It's gone well and TBH I'm having more fun than I've had in a long time even though it is a high stress, high stakes and complex situation that requires me to think on my feet and communicate clearly and concisely and build consensus among people who are similarly stressed.

I had dinner on Tuesday night with a very good friend who invited along another old friend who I haven't seen for probably 20 years. We caught him up on my life and me on his. He's had a number of challenges both health-wise and life-style wise. When we worked together he was an accountant. Now he works at the local grocery store. Not that there's anything wrong with that. A number of choices he made to go off the beaten path to live a life of leisure combined with some health problems have put him where he is now. He seems happy though. His biggest annoyance was that some current health problems are keeping him from playing hockey. I did think a few times though that - "my heavens - we all look so old now".

Both of my dinner companions were very positive about my prospects and I did find myself getting hyped up and excited about how bright my future looked through their eyes.

This morning when waking though, I thought to myself - this is the "up" cycle of the roller-coaster. I need to slow down, look at the reality that is in front of me which isn't nearly as sparkly as the "possible" future and need to also consider less positive possible futures. I hate the down cycle. Hopefully by doing this, I can get to an equilibrium. The wonderful future that I and a number of others have painted in front of me may not happen and I need to be prepared for that as it is on the surface the paved path in front of me at this fork in the road.

One thing that my ex always did was to cut me down when I got too full of myself. I wouldn't call it "grounding", but rather just being negative that I'm not nearly as good at what I do as I think I am. I do need to self-censor myself a bit more though I think. I work hard on remembering that I am "not" the smartest person in the room and that I don't know everything and have a lot to learn. That attitude works well in working with others as I will ask for and listen to their opinions. Having lived around negativity for more than half my life makes it tough when pretty much everyone around me goes on about "wow - you really understand how this all works" and nobody is knocking me down.

So - this will be received positively by those playing the home game - one of the ladies I work with (WL1) who I am sweet on has "told" me that we are going out for ice cream soon. Not really a "date" but she's getting more and more obvious that she wants to spend time with me. With her ending up on one side of the company and me on the other she's perhaps looking at establishing something before that happens. Of course this could all be in my imagination too but the odds of that keep decreasing. I do quite like her. She is 12 years younger than me, never married - no kids and has a kind heart and a great sense of humour. And yes, she's quite pretty too and I do find her dark ebony complexion exotic. As a co-incidence, like CL, she is also very involved in her church (Anglican).

I've heard little from CL this past week. A couple of brief message exchanges initiated by me. The little she posts on social media and her messages indicates that she's having a good and relaxing time visiting her sister with her kids. I do expect to see her after she gets back and let her know that I'm looking forward to it. I'm pretty sure that I'm not being ghosted, it's just her style I think.

S24 seems to have been in a very good humour for the last few days. He did eat a bit of the cheese his mother gave him - but - it's cheese. We had a talk last night about whether I should add compost to the flower beds before winter or after and we have no clue. Dawn - if you are reading along, I'd appreciate your opinion. I am a lousy composter in that I just dump the little kitchen waste we create into a barrel and then ignore it rather than stirring and seeding it.

[JujuB]

Andrew congrats on the work situation!

Whats stopping you from sending a text to WL1 amd asking her to go to a local ice cream parlor witb you?

You seem to have all these women that you show positive interest in(the banker, another work lady) throwing out hints. Why arent you following through?

[OneArt]

I've just caught up with your thread here. I have tried to put off reading things here because it reminds me that I'm still in limbo, although a different kind. I don't think there is a board for people whose spouses want nothing to do with them but refuse to follow through on the divorce they keep insisting they want. Oh well.

My, my. Our Andrew is finally getting out there. I'm with the others. I wish you would go out with the flower shop lady. I'm sure CL is quite nice, but, remember, you can't end up with the first person you go out with, unless of course you've also gone out with some other folks.

I'm not really one to listen to though. I have zero interest in going out with anyone ever again. So many books to read, places to visit, and maybe another cat (maybe an orange, Scottish fold, munchkin).

[Dawn70]

Andrew,

Just MY opinion, based on some scientific knowledge, but wait til spring to put your compost out. In short, compost acts like a slow-release fertilizer, adding nutrients to the soil and plants. You don't want to send plants into their upcoming dormant season (fall and winter) with an abundance of nutrients because you will get a rush of growth that you can't control right before the plant starts to "shut down" for the cold season. It can be damaging to plants. Doesn't usually kill them, but could or at least severely set them back. When asked, I usually suggest that people mulch in late summer/early fall to give an added layer of "insulation" to their landscape, then apply compost in the spring like you would any other commercial fertilizer. Also, I don't necessarily have an issue with your self-described lousy composting, but would caution that mixing it is important as when you don't mix it, you can get pockets that are higher in one certain nutrient and this can create an issue for the plants you do apply it to. Just like with commercial fertilizers, if compost is not properly "cured" it can burn your plants. Hopefully that helps.

[AndrewP]

Thanks Dawn - that is very helpful. Growing up on a farm we would spread the manure in the fall and the spring - which was when we had access to the fields and wouldn't hurt the crops by driving over them. Less in the fall because the pits weren't as full and we would usually do it between the ground starting to freeze and the heavier snow.

I'll give the smaller 50 gallon barrel kitchen composter (I have a big area surrounded by snow fence I use for leaves and grass etc) a good stir this weekend and then by spring I'll hopefully have the small quantity of quality compost that I'll need for my flowers.

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Hi OneArt - I think that most of this forum is made up of people whose spouses want nothing to do with them but refuse to follow through on the divorce they keep insisting they want I was certainly one of those for a fair while. I do think that if I'd not pushed at the start of 2017 that she'd probably be happy to have me still in limbo as her Plan B

Everyone seems to think that the flower shop lady and I are destined for each other No need to print up the invitations for CL and I though just yet. We'll see where that goes. I exchanged a couple of texts with her last night after one too many glasses of wine and double checked them this morning and all is fine. No dick picks. Just a picture of my hot pepper plant which has started fruiting at long last and telling her that I thought she was a pretty amazing person. The last bit was maybe a touch over the top.

I like the looks of the Scottish folds but have pretty much ended up with generic stray foundlings as cats. Perhaps one day you too will look up and around but I fully understand that you've got a big pile of doo-doo in front of you right now blocking your view.

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Thanks for stopping JuJuB. Actually in about 20 minutes WL1 and I will be going for our usual Thursday walk and be stopping for ice cream. She's told me that she's buying as well. Officially this is in exchange for a favour I did her yesterday.

You seem to have all these women that you show positive interest in(the banker, another work lady) throwing out hints. Why arent you following through?

In part I've not followed through because I know myself to be dense and am afraid of giving offense by asking out someone who isn't interested. Vanilla gave me a push on the way by telling me to just say "well you can't blame me for asking" and I had been working up the courage when CL bypassed the queue by asking me.

One of my issues if I were to date WL1 is that it would require some serious time commitments as we live nearly 3 hours apart, working somewhere around 2/3 of the way from me to her. There are also concerns about conflict of interest and such which will be going away in a few months as the corporate merger sorts out and we end up in different but geographically close offices and companies. We'll see where it goes.

Could I have been dating others prior to now? Probably. But until the start of the summer I didn't feel ready. I did do a lot of flirting though.

[AndrewP]

Happy Friday everyone! Been an interesting and crazy busy week. I wonder what next week has in store for me.

I had another nice walk with WL1 yesterday. We chatted more and she did buy me some ice cream. At one point we ended up in constrained circumstances and I slid behind her and put my arm out - not around her, but hover-hand in that general direction. It seemed very comfortable to both of us I believe. It would have been nice to have moved my arm about 2" forward and I suspect that she would have been fine with that but I chose not to. She has a very busy weekend planned with a Christening and other family / church related stuff going on. Dating her would be complex logistically as we live close to 3 hours apart.

I'll probably send CL a note wishing her safe travels back home later today. I don't know for sure that she is in fact traveling back around now but it's a reasonable assumption. Hopefully we can get together in this coming week. I miss her face and her hugs.

I've been following along somewhat with some of the other posters and their own dating adventures. My heavens - what a difference. I like the direction I've been taking. Slow. Get to know the person, sometimes for years. Make a friend. Yes I probably increase the odds of being friend-zoned, but with a good friend, that's a nice place to be.

Looking at dating transactionally like others just seems weird to me. Evaluating someone, identifying go / no-go quickly and then moving on or "sealing the deal" just is foreign to who I am. I suppose that the structure of OLD encourages that.

I've not actually checked out the OLD sites in any real fashion - mostly just deleting the reminder emails - for a number of weeks. I did stumble across the Facebook profile of one of the few women who I'd been thinking of reaching out to who took her profile down a couple of months ago. She seems nice and I'll try to remember it. It certainly gives me a better view of her as a person than POF did. I'm debating just removing my profiles. They've existed for well over a year and I only had them activated for about 4 days total.

Should be a good weekend. Haircut on Saturday. Oddly, a couple of people I know are wanting to get the exact same haircut as I have. I've been told that my hair is very "George Clooney" - the rest of me - not quite so My basement door hasn't been closing properly and the jamb had been all hacked up over the last 100 or so years. On Wednesday I cut a dutchman for the biggest hole and filled and patched it smooth. I should be able to put the catch back on and chisel out the holes for the latch in the appropriate spot. The cats will be disappointed as they've been having fun exploring the cellar when we don't latch the door properly.

I doubt I'll be seeing CL on the weekend. She'll be wanting to unwind from her trip assuming that she is coming back for the weekend. And with two teens she's got back to school stuff and probably a bunch of nonsense from her STBX to deal with. I'm still trying to decide if / how to mention to the lady at the flower shop and WL that I've had a date with someone. Doing project work for all these years, I'm used to having to manage people's expectations and part of that is giving them current relevant information. I know that I'm not good at this stuff so I am probably over-thinking it all - something we have all seen me do regularly since forever.

Well. The sun is starting to rise. The year is starting to feel like it is swinging to a close. My morning travel-mug tea is ready. Time for me to face the day.

[Ginger1]

Why would you need to mention you went out on a date to these people? Just curious. You went on a date. People do it every day .

It was a date. That's your business. You don't need to let any lady that you spend time with know that. You aren't deceiving anyone. You walk with a coworker. You visit a flower shop and are friendly with the lady. They don't need to know your personal business.

Let CL pursue you a little. You seem to be in the friend zone. If you don't want to hang out there forever, let her come to you a bit.

[doodler]

Ginger,

Be careful giving Andrew any dating advice, you might awaken his inner Dirk Diggler. Today he's a nice Canadian man, tomorrow he'll make Trump look like a choir boy. We'll be hearing about three day orgies with young French women, visits to the clinic for antibiotics and pesticides, and the names of unknown women that have been tattooed on his @ss. Just let him do his thing in his own way; the world will be better for it.