ambivalent WW - detach? -- Part II

[burned]

I'm not going to recap my birthday weekend except to say that it was rough. This is not where I thought I would be at age 35. I know I'm relatively "young" but I feel defeated.

I could use some encouragement. Amoafwl, to me closure would be an end to this excruciating pain. I know it won't happen overnight, and I know it wouldn't even happen if she filed for D and stopped talking to me entirely.

My parents, who are in their mid-70s, suggested that I just detach completely and give W a chance to miss me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc. Sound familiar? And they have no idea that DR/DB exists.

Their suggestion is to just not show up for MC on Wednesday. Then when I get an angry text asking where I am, to say that the emotional rollercoaster is hurting me and I need to take a step back for the sake of my own sanity. Is that what a boundary is? And is this a good idea? Or would it make more sense to go to MC and state my position clearly but firmly? Skipping without warning would definitely be a 180. It'll definitely raise eyebrows, and probably set off a whole pile of anger. It would be taken as proof that I'm not REALLY cooperative and I get angry when I don't get "what I want." So it could easily backfire. But the logic seems to be that it would give me a chance to take back some power and dignity. Thoughts?

Meanwhile W says "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I'm trying to do the work" in IC. I suppose she means the work of figuring out who she is and what she wants, before she makes any life-changing decisions. Here comes Imaginary Steve with "Don't believe anything she says, and don't mind-read." I know, I know. I mean I know it conceptually, but I can't get myself to really embrace the concept.

And no texts since my birthday when W said, "Have a great day, I'm sorry for the circumstances." Just guilt, not remorse (mind-reading!). Here comes Imaginary Amoafwl with "Stop trying to base your actions on her moods, GAL for yourself." I know, I know.

This is exasperating. Where do we find the strength?

[AnotherStander]

My parents, who are in their mid-70s, suggested that I just detach completely and give W a chance to miss me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc. Sound familiar? And they have no idea that DR/DB exists.

It's the right thing to do but it's not so easy to put into practice.

Their suggestion is to just not show up for MC on Wednesday. Then when I get an angry text asking where I am, to say that the emotional rollercoaster is hurting me and I need to take a step back for the sake of my own sanity. Is that what a boundary is? And is this a good idea?

I don't think that would be a good idea. Go to it, and then if you feel no progress is being made and you don't want to continue then talk to your W, ask her if she feels it's beneficial (she'll likely say no) and then tell her you think you should quit going and see if she agrees.

That's not an example of a boundary, a boundary is establishing an agreement about lines that shouldn't be crossed. For example let's say you're separated but she keeps coming over whenever she wants and letting herself in. Your boundary might be to tell her to respect your privacy since you are separated and not just drop by, but to give you notice if she plans to stop by and to knock when she gets there rather than letting herself in. That sort of thing.

Or would it make more sense to go to MC and state my position clearly but firmly?

Your position being you want to save the M? She already knows that, you don't need to tell her (and shouldn't). Remember, you should only listen and validate, that's it.

Skipping without warning would definitely be a 180. It'll definitely raise eyebrows, and probably set off a whole pile of anger. It would be taken as proof that I'm not REALLY cooperative and I get angry when I don't get "what I want." So it could easily backfire. But the logic seems to be that it would give me a chance to take back some power and dignity. Thoughts?

I agree with you, it would blow up in your face. And how would just skipping out on an MC session get you back power and dignity? You're barking up the wrong tree!

[MoveFrwd]

I agree with AS. That is just wasting everyone’s time. Is that the man you want to be? Butned2.0...? I’m not sure there’s a real reason to have the session, but what’s one more hour?

You can do this. Because you don’t really have a choice. The pain will stop when you stop touching the hot stove. The more you GAL and the more you can disentangle yourself from her, the better you will feel. The only way to the other side is through. There are no shortcuts. I always pictured myself as Andy Dufresne crawling through the tunnel to freedom.

[burned]

Touching the hot stove. That's the boundary I'm talking about. Amoafwl, the position I would state isn't that I want to fix the M but that I want to take a much bigger step back because it hurts me to see her and feel hopeful, and then not see her and feel pain. I've heard different opinions about whether or not to explain the 180 vs. just doing it. I am in the strange position of having a venue where I can say what I need to say, rather than having to pursue her in order to say it. So I am trying to make the best use of that gift.

She texted me this morning and I validated the heck out of her. Seems to have worked, she said it's good to hear that I'm hearing what she's saying in MC, because it's hard for her to say. I thanked her profusely for the song she learned and played for me on Friday, and for the evening we had with friends, which we all agree went well, and which I ended without pursuit (which is a small 180).

I think the power and dignity would emerge from establishing a boundary and enforcing it. Right now she can do whatever she wants, knowing that I'll play along. I'm hoping to start setting some limits to that.

I also realized after talking with someone this morning that boundaries might actually be an important aspect of the "need to feel safe" issue. She says she doesn't want to be "eaten alive" by my needs and by the feeling that when she gives me a little I always ask for more. Read a couple of the boundaries threads last night and I started thinking, maybe she doesn't feel safe because she doesn't know what my boundaries are. Like a dog who doesn't know if the alpha is really going to stand up for the pack. So if I tell her, here's where I'm at, here's what I will and won't tolerate, it gives her something to work with, a feeling that she doesn't have to be the one to guess what my actions will be or what my reactions to her actions will be. For her to have basically a framework for understanding what to expect of me. It's starting to make a lot more sense. She wants to know that I can be an independent adult who can stand up for himself, assert his needs calmly but firmly, and take care of the pack, so to speak.

Yup. It's 180, detach, and GAL till the cows come home and till she comes home to burned 2.0.

[ovrrnbw]

Hi burned,

I think AS misunderstood your boundary statement. But I get what you mean, all this stress is eating you up. She gives you hope, then tears your heart out. So why go to counseling with a person who is not serious, right? Why keep letting yourself get hurt?

It's something to consider, I need to read this sitch deeper but I see your point.

[burned]

Yeah, well put.

The underlying question is, does it make sense to force the issue, or should I enjoy the limbo while I have it? I know other people would love to be in my sitch relative to theirs.

It's hard being in limbo, but is it so hard that I want to forfeit it? I haven't done enough GAL to see how well I might handle the emotions when there are plenty of other distractions in my life.

[burned]

Forcing the issue would alleviate a lot of stress in the sense that IF she wanted R then I could ask for some accountability, finally. OM has not been eliminated completely and I have absolutely no way of snooping (and I know I shouldn't anyway). Trying to avoid cake-eating but not bring up A because she reacts poorly and it makes me look bad.

[burned]

And to AS, curious about strategies for maximizing the listening/validating thing during MC. Because sometimes the MC asks me questions directly. Then I have to answer, right? Can't just say, "Oh, W, how do you feel about that?"

At least MC is planning on bringing up the issue of "is this helping" so we will get some information, maybe.

[burned]

One other question. How do you cope with the fact that the A may or may not be ongoing? Like, since I have no way of knowing, and she has already demonstrated that she can lie to the MC, and since it's detrimental for me to bring it up...how does it end? When does it end? And when do I know that it has ended and that she wants to R? And how long do I let it go on before I start asking for proof? Because then I become the paranoid one again. "Why can't you just trust me?" Etc.

[ovrrnbw]

When the affair is over and she wants to reconcile, you won't have to snoop (she'll be home, in bed, working on things, talking to you, positive attitude mostly, positive behaviors). Her actions will be obvious. This may never happen though. But my point is that you know what it feels like when someone wants to be with you, right? You'll know.