She is using sex to placate you and keep you where she wants you. Don't give in. Hope you wore a rubber, might want to get tested.
Document the times she has assaulted you. Has anyone else seen her do this? It may matter down the road. Keep your cool at all times b/c she might be trying to instigate you and screw you over royally.
If she hits you, walk away and let her sit alone. An affair is an affair, no need to bring up the details with her. By the way she reacted, it surely got physical.
Start putting your own best interests first, she has no problem doing this and neither should you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Let me get this straight. She cheated....you confronted her and she laughs in your face. Then what? Rinse and repeat?
Has she had any consequences in the relationship with you, due to her cheating, lying, etc.? Have you separated, stopped sleeping with her, or enforced other boundaries?
I agree that she disrespects you terribly. You have put up with her terrible treatment for 7 months. Why are you begging, pleading and fighting with someone who doesn't want you? I mean, even if you love her, why do you want to be with a woman who doesn't love you? I'm just trying to find out what type of man you are, and how you feel about these matters.
I am a former wayward W. So, I will tell you upfront that waywardness comes from a lack of respect. Your W doesn't respect the MR, and she doesn't respect her H. Maybe this has been building (her failing respect for you) and you just ignored it. She will not be that loving woman you once knew, until she feels respect for you as a man. As long as you are willing to live with whatever she dishes out, nothing will change. Most of all, her heart will not change. Her treatment toward you will not get better. She will go from man to man, and expect you to continue financing her lifestyle. She'll throw you a few crumbs every now & then, just to keep the money coming. But the weekend trips will get fewer and fewer.
You have a very serious situation, but there's a chance the M can be saved. You need to do a lot of reading that is provided in the Newcomers forum. Have you read everything Cadet posted on his page? It has valuable information that will help you get started DBing.
Post every chance you get. This will likely get worse before it gets better, but this is the best place to be during such a time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I bring it up and she flips out saying things like it never happened but as I'm accuing her she may as well do it.
It sounds like she's trying to justify her behaviour to herself by blaming you. She wants a reaction from you.
Rise above it and stay very, very calm. Take the moral high-ground. One day she'll realise what a mistake she's made by which time you may have moved on and she will try hard to get back with you.
She is using sex to placate you and keep you where she wants you. Don't give in. Hope you wore a rubber, might want to get tested.
Document the times she has assaulted you. Has anyone else seen her do this? It may matter down the road. Keep your cool at all times b/c she might be trying to instigate you and screw you over royally.
If she hits you, walk away and let her sit alone. An affair is an affair, no need to bring up the details with her. By the way she reacted, it surely got physical.
Start putting your own best interests first, she has no problem doing this and neither should you.
Hi ovrrnbw.Yes i agree but somehow cant say no to her,she is/was my wife.
It has stopped in the last month so no need to fight the urge anymore.The last time she assaulted me was unfortunately in front of D ...which tore me up and the D. I usually sit there ,dont react and try to get out of her way. I try not to ask about the A but i think i deserve answers and the truth above all but she has only admitted to what i saw and even then says im making stuff up.Im a details man so i guess i want to find out who were when and how,i cannot switch my brain off to that.Thanks for your interest in my thread its really appreciated,need all the help atm.
Hi Sandi.. I have read your story and i brought alot of hope to me but you sound like a strong woman which my W surely isnt atm as far as any remorse or guilt. Yes W laughed in my face (blushing) saying they were only friends having some fun!!!! i explained thats stupid and no friends do that....didnt register in ber mind. We live 4hrs apart and only see each other one weekend a fortnight,(and yes yiur right the kast mongh or two she has an excuse at the last minute not to come,or comes as late as possible)what consequences is there for that. I begged and done all things wrong and W knew that i was there and took full advantage knowing i wasn't going anywhere,i said i forgive her this once but she has to stop all contact with OM.Sbe simply refused and said so i cant even hve friends now,see your controlling me again. I love her and she is my soulmate i cant give up on her and our lives together.Our D is terminally ill aswell so i want to keep the family together. Also i think im a codependent from my own family issues growing up.Parents seperated and i was placed in homes,foster care ect..Had little self esteem from that until W came along and that went away somewhat,but i was always a bit needy seeking reassurance that i was good enough and W was happy with me. I see W has lost all respect for me and uses me as a doormat but am scared if i do the wrong thing the MR is completly over,but i cant change her decisions only my own which is tough atm.I go good for a few days then ask about R again and back to sqaure one. Thanks i will read up on cadets threads and by DB book. Im really thankful that yourve taken an interest in my sitch and could really use your help in gaining something out of this nightmare. It already looks and feels over to me idk why i cant let go? W says its just a break and things will work out,she still says i love you on the phone aswell...probably breads crumbs as you say.
Hi David.Thanks for your input and yes thats exactly what she is doing, i fall for it everytime aswell...such a fool.
Yes im hoping to regain my confidence and move on with my life and take care of D..I really want to save this and for her to come to her senses,give it my best shot.
So its been 4 days since the last argument and any contact....WW usually calls every day !!! fighting the urge to call or send a message, its hard and is still as paimful as day one. Stuggling with the images, thoughts of what shes doing and where she is with who. Convinced myself there is no chance AT ALL of anything getting better between us and saving our marriage,she simply isnt intrested at all.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
It has stopped in the last month so no need to fight the urge anymore.The last time she assaulted me was unfortunately in front of D ...which tore me up and the D. I usually sit there ,dont react and try to get out of her way.
Our society is seeing more & more H's being physically abused in their MR's. Like most boys, you were probably taught that hitting a girl was wrong. It's wrong, no matter who does the swinging. Any type of domestic violence is damaging, especially to children. May I ask how long this type of treatment has lasted, and why she though she could assault you without any retaliation? Have you ever called the police during one of these occasions?
Have you considered speaking with a lawyer, just to know your options.....especially where you daughter is concerned?
Quote
I try not to ask about the A but i think i deserve answers and the truth above all but she has only admitted to what i saw and even then says im making stuff up.Im a details man so i guess i want to find out who were when and how,i cannot switch my brain off to that.
Of course you deserve to know the truth and have the answers to your questions! Don't treat her like she's some queen and you're a lowly servant who just gets whatever she decides. Life is short and you should be treated with love and respect by the woman you married. She is setting such a terrible example before her little girl.
I'm so sorry for the pain you experienced growing up, as well as now. I encourage you to seek counseling during this trying time. I hope you'll stick around, b/c there are some really good people on the board. You might search for a poster named Vanilla. She got out of an abusive MR, and she's a sharp cookie about this stuff.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
