Brave Little Gerda Trods On -- My Faith Journey

[job]

Gerda,

Your postings sound like it's really tense in your home w/your h there. All of you are walking on eggshells. Is there any way that you can get away for an hour or so each day and do something relaxing? It could be a walk, sitting in a café w/a cup of coffee or tea, a visit to a local art shop or even the library. Your children are old enough to go to some of these places and enjoy a little bit of time away.

No need to explain about therapy...I wanted to make sure you had a support system in place. Your son may be more open to speaking to someone at school this year...but it will have to be a gradual thing since he's not happy about talking to anyone.

Hang in there!

[Westo]

Hi Gerda,

I’m not a religious person but I know you are, so I’m sending you a prayer for strength through this very testing and traumatic time, right now.

You are in my thoughts. I found going for a long walk whenever I could, talking to myself about what I was going through, was and still is my councillor.

I’ve walked a thousand miles in order to process my feelings and thoughts. Without those walks I truly think I would have gone mad.

(((Gerda)))

[DnJ]

Gerda, I am sorry you are having such a horrible time right now.

I second job’s great suggestion of trying to get away from your situation for a while each day. You and kids are under a lot of stress - a break from it will be most benifical and deserved.

Praying for you.

[Gerda]

Westo, that is really loving of you to offer a prayer when you are not yourself religious! That is really kind of you. Your friendship means so much, thank you!

[Gerda]

Job and DnJ, your caring is so wonderful, thank you for helping me to not feel alone! I read your posts many times over and they really helped.

Job, I also really appreciate your understanding that my S can only come gradually to therapy. Everyone IRL is constantly hounding me to get him to go to therapy and don't understand that I cannot pick up a 13 year old kid who is taller than me and a very street-wise city kid and just carry him there against his will.

Westo, Job and DnJ, I do spend time almost everyday in some of the ways you suggest. But you are right that I should be more purposeful about it and really use it as time to heal and strengthen so I can more peace for the return. I guess for standers we have to be conscious about building ourselves up in between rounds. Although according to DnJ's recent definition of standing, I am only standing sometimes. I am still oftentimes since BD 2 just surviving.

I think last night I really just lost it and the story of why is too long to tell but it was more about my S than my H. The stress of living in limbo, waiting for the next D letter, is getting to me, that is true. And it's eggshells in a way but also just the confusion of living with my H chatting with me and eating together at times, offering me half his salad while his D lawyer prepares the next letter, trying to be a light and not change who I am just because he is doing that, Last night there was a specific trajectory of awful that came after I went to a very beautiful mass. When I came home, all full of peace, and was hit hard with MLC and tween hatred and even my D being hateful, I spiraled. Then my S refused to come on a trip we had planned all summer, leaving today to see friends in a very fancy wonderful beach place. They have three kids and I was just so dead set on all the kids being together and felt so tired of always ending up just being my D and I. I lost all perspective and just GRIEVED. Sometimes I forget everything I know through here and through faith and just spiral into a feeling of total helplessness. I I was in my room crying but at least I was crying out to God to send someone to help me because I was at the end of my rope with my S and my H. And then my best friend who is traveling overseas wrote to me just then to Skype. I realized that God was actually answering my prayer!

When I got back from the Skype, my S came to talk, telling me how much he loves me and explaining why he wouldn't come on the trip in a way that made sense, even if i was still sad. And he even said, "I just really want to have a good relationship with you." I had to pick my jaw up off the floor on that one.

Now my D and I are in the beautiful place with the friends, no S here but I am okay, it's good to be away of course, though being without my S always leaves a part of me worried. But he kept in touch via text all day so that is a huge improvement from days past.

Anyway, I feel like this post is extremely boring and I'm not wearing glasses so I can't even see what I am doing very well but I am doing okay and I want to thank you, DnJ and Job and Westo, for being there for me yesterday (and the day before and the days before that), it really really really helped me.

With lots of love,

Gerda

[DnJ]

You sound much better today. Enjoy your time away with daughter. It is very nice that son is texting you.

Don’t worry if your post is boring. Boring is good, you have had enough drama in your life for a little while - embrace the mundane.

[job]

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better today. Enjoy the time you and your daughter are away. Use this time to dig deeper for patience and recharge your battery.

[Gerda]

Thank you, as ever, for your very kind words, Job, and your encouragement. You always remind me that this is about patience.

DnJ, you need not fear that the life part is boring. I just meant I was writing boringly. You provide stiff competition in that regard. And/or maybe I am just so sick of hearing myself talk about this.

I am away again, visiting my dad at another beautiful place but with my brother and his W. Last year when we did this, I was getting ready to leave and my H asked to come with us. I said no. He had no money and said he couldn't survive the week but that also he realized he should come for many other reasons. I said I really needed the time away, he sort of begged me. I sat on the steps and prayed and I felt that God told me not to harden my heart so he came. We had a great time and he reconnected with my dad after not speaking with him for years. We had some beautiful family times and slept in the same bed though no affection of any kind. I think I held his hand while he was sleeping though. And he was great with my dad, he can talk to him for hours, while I get very very crazy in the head around family.

I thought it was the beginning of the Awakening.

And here we are again.

This morning my S refused to come on this trip. I dropped the rope and then I pulled the rope, I cried, I said he can't do this when all these people made these plans and my dad spent a lot of money on the rental house, I dropped the rope, I said goodbye, etc. My H even tried to get him to go and even offered to come for a night or two so I thought, oh, this is going to happen again, he will come and the kids can have a normal family time. But my S said no. I yelled at S that I wasn't going to keep leaving him money when he won't come on trips. Then I let something slip about how this would never keep happening if my S didn't see the example of someone else never coming on trips. Then my H offered a little diatribe on how he was finally standing up for himself or asserting his will or whatever it was, and that it was good for his kids to see that model. Mercifully I got myself together then and managed to only utter something about how our own wills are not very trustworthy, and that is why I prefer God's will.

Then I started to leave and my neighbor walked by and I burst into tears and snuffled embarrassingly on her shoulder, my H came out and tried to act normal and biked away, then my S ran after me and demanded I pack all his stuff and said he would come. So after all that, S came.

I was driving like 90 miles an hour and still ended up missing ferry and had to sit at ferry for 1.5 hours.

Anyway then we arrive at last, and I just realize how dark and neurotic my family is, they are all so moody, no one welcomes us cheerfully or shows compassion, you can tell they think I am bringing this all on myself and if I would just get the D done, we could all move on. S is freaking out,and I take a walk to calm down, walking around thinking if I could call a friend to talk me down. And then, incredibly, I decided I would call my H and just spill my guts and ask him to come and help us -- and I had to talk myself down from that insanity (fear not, I did not call), and then my son started begging me to go home and I just got so TIRED of living this way, so sad that this was the life my kids have, with no dad. It was okay before that my own family is so weird and neurotic because we had our own little unit, but now it's just me wandering about with my two kids like lost souls and every trip starts with a huge fight with my S refusing to come.

I realized that I keep trying to create memories for them, to go on trips to get away, to do something, and it doesn't work. I know so many of you have been able to do this, but for me, it just always feels like I am missing a limb and they are always sad.

It only seems to work when we travel with certain friends. Otherwise we are all just too lonely.

I am falling asleep so I will stop there for now. Love to all.

My D likes being here, and I was realizing that if my S

[Gordie]

Gerda

Hugs

I forget exactly how old s is

But teens are tricky

God has given them free will

And they begin to assert it

I have a lot of kids so let me say

Some will choose what you and I think are the right choices

Others will choose otherwise

More later

[DnJ]

(((Gerda)))

That missing limb feeling does get better, it lessens a lot.

Gordie is right, God gave kids free will and they use it. They want to be confrontational then compilant, argumentative then agreeable, and so on.

Perhaps if you have son involved more in the planning stage he would buy into the trip (or whatever) more. It is harder to rebel against something you had a hand in planning. That is just a little tip I learned with my four kids, which is by no means an absolute guarantee - they will still argue against something they planned and want to do.

Gerda you write as much or as little as you want - and as boringly as you want.

I enjoy reading your posts and do not find them boring. Heck you’re a writing teacher. I am always checking my posts for spelling errors.

Hang in there girl, you are doing fine.