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Originally Posted by pain18
Little update:

W is packing my clothes and car for camping trip this weekend (me and D4). No expectations. Work was giving tickets away to concert. Grabbed one and asked her if she wanted to take it. She asked if there were any more. I said I can try to get another ticket. Then she backed off (I didn't think I was pursuing, but maybe I was?) and said I should go.

And I think I'll go.

Otherwise, she's sniffing and continuing to do small things. Making small talk. Small progress?


Too early to say Pain. I would say keep up the good work. If you sense any uneasiness from her about the concert then back off again. Otherwise you are doing well. Keep it up. Keep working on the NGS.

It will require her to show consistent behavior over a long period of time before you can call it real progress.


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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Hi Pain,

here's my thoughts. When recovering from NGS, we sometimes go over the top. I don't think you were mean, but you (and me too) aren't there yet. It is good to draw the line and say the person who owes you money can't use your vehicle.

Get an extra ticket just in case and you can throw it out there - or not. Maybe leave them laying out as a reminder. When is the concert? Not this weekend, right? (b/c they're going camping?)

Your W is still interested. You said "her nose is plugged", then a couple hours later...boom! Unplugged.


Yep. Next weekend. I'm talking myself out of purchasing a $1300 lens for the event (last concert at that location EVER) smile. So having W there is a bonus. I'm just looking forward to the concert and (possibly) a new lens to play with.

Originally Posted by Steve85


Too early to say Pain. I would say keep up the good work. If you sense any uneasiness from her about the concert then back off again. Otherwise you are doing well. Keep it up. Keep working on the NGS.

It will require her to show consistent behavior over a long period of time before you can call it real progress.


It's only been 19 days since I let the old R go. I don't know what is being formed now, but I felt that once I said "I'm letting it go", I felt like my life has turned a corner. I'm seeing other good things blossoming, but I'm taking it slow. I'm getting happier daily.

The true test is the rest of this month. If I can make it without bringing up our M or R or OM, it would have been the longest we have gotten along.

Hell, we even shared a few genuine laughs last night and this morning. Something that also wasn't prevalent since our S.


1/6/18-BD OM1
2/18-W meets OM2
4/18-W intros D4 to OM2
5/18-“Romance ends"
7/18-DB start
7/18-IHS Ends
4/19-WW moves out
3/21-D filed

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Originally Posted by pain18
Just stood up for myself in front of W, Since D4 and I are going camping this weekend, she asked whether we should switch vehicles. I said NO I'M GOOD. we can but under three conditions:

1. W's cannot drive my car.
2. W's cannot smoke in it (nor can anyone else)
3. W cannot take car to OM's place.

W said that she wasn't planning on taking it to OM's place then quickly asked why. I said "I just don't want the car to go to OM's place." and left it at that. She said "Fine, just take your own car." I said, very calmly, "Ok, I will." And she left to go run errands.

That was rough, but I stood my ground.



See above correction. Too much talking, too many rules, too much friction.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by pain18
Just stood up for myself in front of W, Since D4 and I are going camping this weekend, she asked whether we should switch vehicles. I said NO I'M GOOD. we can but under three conditions:

1. W's cannot drive my car.
2. W's cannot smoke in it (nor can anyone else)
3. W cannot take car to OM's place.

W said that she wasn't planning on taking it to OM's place then quickly asked why. I said "I just don't want the car to go to OM's place." and left it at that. She said "Fine, just take your own car." I said, very calmly, "Ok, I will." And she left to go run errands.

That was rough, but I stood my ground.



See above correction. Too much talking, too many rules, too much friction.


I call it setting boundaries (NGS). Where does it become abrasive?


1/6/18-BD OM1
2/18-W meets OM2
4/18-W intros D4 to OM2
5/18-“Romance ends"
7/18-DB start
7/18-IHS Ends
4/19-WW moves out
3/21-D filed

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Camping with D4. Fun so far. Then got hit with an anxiety/depression spell. Trying to keep mind occupied, but sadness is taking over for now.

Still little contact, etc.

Today is Day 20.

Still miss her.


Last edited by pain18; 08/18/18 10:52 PM.

1/6/18-BD OM1
2/18-W meets OM2
4/18-W intros D4 to OM2
5/18-“Romance ends"
7/18-DB start
7/18-IHS Ends
4/19-WW moves out
3/21-D filed

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Boundaries are about protecting yourself, not controlling the other person

You didn't need to set these boundaries, because you can protect yourself best by not switching cars with your wife, thus avoiding the issues of how to know if she violated the boundary and what to do if she did.

Unenforceable boundaries lead to unproductive arguments and make you look weak.

The best boundaries are about how you let someone treat you to your face, because they are straightforward to enforce and don't seem controlling.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
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Originally Posted by Rose888
Boundaries are about protecting yourself, not controlling the other person

You didn't need to set these boundaries, because you can protect yourself best by not switching cars with your wife, thus avoiding the issues of how to know if she violated the boundary and what to do if she did.

Unenforceable boundaries lead to unproductive arguments and make you look weak.

The best boundaries are about how you let someone treat you to your face, because they are straightforward to enforce and don't seem controlling.


Thanks for the clarification. Now it makes sense. It sounds like when I told her my conditions I was seeking a fight. I'll continue to hone my boundary enforcing.

Also, stopped myself from doing something stupid last night. My anxiety was high and I posted something in the infidelity thread. I was very close to calling her and asking her the same hypothetical question. In fact, when I attempted to dial her, my phone could not make the call. I decided to do an internal 180 and fight against my emotions and left the situation as is.

I think I did the right thing. Day 21.

Last edited by pain18; 08/19/18 03:53 PM.

1/6/18-BD OM1
2/18-W meets OM2
4/18-W intros D4 to OM2
5/18-“Romance ends"
7/18-DB start
7/18-IHS Ends
4/19-WW moves out
3/21-D filed

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Great post on boundaries Rose.

Please also Google Al Turtle on boundaries, he writes in one article for teenagers, including forts, villagers etc etc

I truly didn't get boundaries until I read his paper. And yes Al Turtle is his real name.

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Quote
Thanks for the clarification. Now it makes sense. It sounds like when I told her my conditions I was seeking a fight. I'll continue to hone my boundary enforcing.

Also, stopped myself from doing something stupid last night. My anxiety was high and I posted something in the infidelity thread. I was very close to calling her and asking her the same hypothetical question. In fact, when I attempted to dial her, my phone could not make the call. I decided to do an internal 180 and fight against my emotions and left the situation as is.

I think I did the right thing. Day 21.


Good move! This is a tremendous accomplishment and integral in the process of Detachment. I don't always stop myself but when I do I see progress. I aspire to get even better.


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

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Good job pain, your are stronger than you thought.


H 34
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BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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