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#2807656 08/18/18 03:50 AM
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bombs Offline OP
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Hey everyone
Ive been reading alot of what you guys are going through and im sorry this is happening.
So i feel its time to share my story.
My wife and i have been married for 16yrs, together for 19yrs.I moved to a different town(4hrs away) 18months ago to start a new buisness to better the families lifestyle.We have a 13yr D and felt it was best for W and D to stay at home near IL and city of birth as apposed to taking D away from school friends ect.W and D would make the trip up every fortnight to be together on the weekend.
7 months ago i noticed W was secretive with her phone all of a sudden,had a password which she never really did and was online alot.I asked about it and she said her girlfriend(16yrs younger) had a weird sense of homour and would post something on her FB page...seemed really odd but i dismissed it.
Would talk to wife each morning online and noticed she was active till 4am almost everyday and become worried as she never had been,not that i ever paid much attention but snooped and her FB page was on lock down friends list hidden ect.
W then became more distant, her looks changed to what our D would wear, lost alot of weight was more worried about her looks ect.I had a sickening gut feling something was going on.
A few weeks later my suspisions were confirmed and i found out about the "friend" at work.So i called her at 3am when i saw her online and she was a different woman brushed me off told me that she was talking to her girlfriend and how dare i call her and embarrass her like i did,was very angry??!
The next day we spoke and i mentioned the friend and she new straight away who i was talking about and said its notbing, then blocked me from all social media on the spot.
A few weeks later i snooped on ber phone and found some of the pics and messages of what they were going to do to each other and was crushed.I made the fatal mistake of taking off with ber phone to find out bow it come about and she turned into a shedevil and said how dare i break her trust thats the worst thing anyone could do to someone???!!! I was confronted her about the EA and she laughed in my face and said it was just friends having a bit of fun!!
Since that day ive again made all the mistakes begging,chasing,trying to fix things ect with negative effects.

So ive been in this sitch with her for 7months now all she does is lie even about things she doesnt have to.
I visited recently and found a letter to OM announcing her love for him and that she had the best times with him and would never forget what they bad tovether but shes moving on and leaving the ball in his court..He obviously vot what he wanted and rejected her after a few month PA.I confonted her with the letter and again she went nuts wouldnt admit to anything and said nothing was going on,also physically abused me.
Theres alot more to the story but ill keep it short for now.
She is a COMPLETLY different person now doesnt come to see me anymore,always had an excuse to not talk(headache ect) Pretty sure becauss frienxs have snooped that shes now sexting a few guys now two of which are my friends o e being her sisters x.
I dont know what to do.I love her so much and dont want our family to be torn apart but she just does not care about anything other than herself.I made all the mistakes in the last 7 months you could possibly make.
Currently trying to GAL and not contact her at all unless she initiates.
All she asks
for is money and if i question it blames me for everything and brings up every thing ive ever done to upset her in our marriage.As far as i new we had a good marriage.She treats me terrible now and has no respect at all.
Its like she has turned into a sexually driven person and is loving the attention of any sleezeball.
She definately a WW and seems to be coached by her younger girlfriend and OM in how to act towards the marriage and how her life should be.She says we are just having a break and she needs space to work on her and get over the years of anger she has built up towards me and for me to leave her alone,says she loves me kisses me when we do see each other sometimes has sex and other times wont.When she messages says i love you aswell,but has also said she doesnt love me like she did years ago.I dont know what to believe anymore.Shes really cold and distant when we are together as a family and sits on her phone the whole time messaging id say other guys because she wont show me anything.She constantly lies and manipulates me and i feel like a doormat.
Im not sure if i can wake her up will DB and going dark ect do anything to help my sitch.
Apologies for for being all over the place explaining things i cannot funtion atm and am a destroyed h.
I would appreciate any advice especially from Sandy and would be happy to talk about the specifics of my sitch.
PLEASE help me.She was such a nice woman and a great mother and wife until she started hanging out with her girlfriend,which i found out actually set W and OM up.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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So the first principle you have to come to grips with is you have to let get go to get her back. My sitch was a lot like yours except my W immediately started talking D. And I caught it before it went to a PA.

Also you have to use tough love. She is trying to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to be a party girl but still have faithful H to provide.

You have to tell her you are moving on. That you'll pay the bills and that's it. Cut her off and start making her see what lide without you is like.

Id recommend talking to a lawyer.

Detach. GAL. Stop calling her let her call you. No R talks. Remove all pursuit and pressure. Do things with D without her

You'll have to be a man and take respect back. But that's your only hope.

One word of caution. If she is physically abusive she is capable of anything. Including trying to frame you for abuse. Do not take the bait. And please proceed with caution.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Hi Bombs. I'm prob the last person to give advice now, as I'm going through similar stuff.

Like Steve said, be very careful regarding the 'abuse'. Maybe get some type of voice activated recorder, and have it on you when you're alone with her. I'm no lawyer, but I've had friends who's wives filed a bogus abuse charge against them, and they were ordered to leave the house.

It is heartbreaking, and amazing that so many women (and a lot of men) will completely destroy the lives of everyone around them in order to be 'happy'. It's the height of selfishness and immaturity, but unfortunately that seems to be the society we live in now.


Married: 15yrs
Ages: Me 49, W 44
Kids: S12
BD: around 4/14

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Sorry you're here man.

Last Resort Technique:
1. Stop Pursuit - if you have to ask "is this pursuit?" then the answer is yes and don't do it.
2. GAL - get a life, seriously do it.
3. Wait and see what happens - take stock of what works and what doesn't. The small consistent changes will matter most.

Your W is acting like a different person b/c she is a different person. You broke the trust? W. T. F. She was cheating. She just wants to turn it on your so that it's not her fault. You're the bad guy, she's victim. Boohoo poor me. Piss off cheater (don't actually say this, but it's OK to think it). Do not soften the truth for her, she did what she did and she knows it. If you soften, she will take advantage and turn it on you.

If she is wanting a "break" from the marriage, she doesn't get to keep your support and money as part of it. Seriously, talk to a lawyer and PROTECT yourself. You buying a pushover and giving her financial support where it's not legally required will hurt you. You won't "nice her" back to the marriage. If you give her everything she wants, let her walk all over you, and let her "have her cake and eat it too" she will never change.

I wouldn't go dark yet.

Get tested, your sleeping with her and she is sleeping with other people. I wouldn't continue to do kiss her, have sex, or tell her you love her while she is involved with OM. You need proof - real, solid proof + action to back it up before you believe it's over and you want to get back with her. She will try to half-ass this, but you have to draw the line. The line can't be moved either, or you'll appear weak and she will stomp your guts and walk all over you.

Lastly, you are NOT a destroyed H. You are a strong man, with many desirable qualities. The biggest one I see so far is guts. You have the guts to work on this and fix it. Remember that, and use that as your strength when you feel weak. Work on you, get better, and find those strong qualities inside of you that attracted your W and other women in the first place.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Oh and if she is saying you are physically abusive, I'd record convos to protect yourself. Get any guns out of the house for the time being. I did this - just keep 1 or 2 with you.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Hi Steve
Thanks for the advice im pretty much doing all of what you said,im sorry that you are going through something similar its the worst!!!
How can W completely forget about everything we have been through and treat me so low!!! its hard to comprehend.
She cares about nothing else except for her OM/guys so frustrating!!!
Ive FINALLY become aware of how manipulative she has become but still occasionally fall for her traps and lies.Argh!!!

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Hi T.Sorry you are going through it too man it [censored]!! Your advice and thoughts on anything would be a big help to me.
I toatally agree with you 7months on and its still not sinking in what W has done and how different she is.
Im getting a recorder asap.Its strange that i feel bad for recording her i dont want to hurt the marrige anymore by doing what sems to be sneaky stuff,bjt in saying that W has become the sneaky, lying manipulative type so i guess its fir the best.
A month ago she had come to see me on her own and had a few drinks at dinner,was way over the limit to drive.
We bad an argument over her texting other guys in front of me so she grabbed her car keys and we t to leave fir the 4hr drive home.I tried to stop her and tried to take the cars keys from her,as soon as i touched her hand she freaked out and threatened to call the police??!!! 5min prior she had punched me in the face for asking her not to message her OM while she was spending time with me!! Her behaviours are alien like atm.
I calmed her down and said she could stay the night but was to leave first thing in the morning and i dont want to talk or see her again.In the morning she initiated sex and acted like nothing had even happened?? She has never acfedike this

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hi ovrrnbw
Thanks man its a nightmare im still hoping to wake up from but its my reality now and have to deal with it.
You hit the nail on the head about the W.
When i snooped i found out about a few guys she been i EA with possible PA.She has only admitted to the first one due to me seeing the actual pics and messages but would not admit to th PA.I bring it up and she flips out saying things like it never happened but as im accuing her she may as well do it.Shes become a .B#$ch Has said sorry but yeah did not mean it at all.I honestly can see that theres no possible way that we can get back to a relationship and sort things out atm. I really love and she is my soulmate.All i can do is GAL and see what happens.Appreciate your imput into my sitch and am thankful i have support from others.

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Fell for it again.
So W was supposed to come up on the weekend to spend some time with me.For the past fortnight havent called or messaged her,have been positive when she calls(each night after work),dont ask about her or any questions about r,also ended the call insted of trying to keep her on the phone to hear her voice.
She seemed a little more intrested and started asking about my day and what it involved,she still says i love you and ill call you tomorrow.
I asked her about what was happening and if she was still coming up to see me(i had previously said to her i dont want to see you and D at the same time as i dont want to fight and argue in front of her anymore) she aggreed.,W said shes not sure as she doesnt have the money and knows we are going to argue...fml usual repsonse. I said id put in some money for her to come and see me and said im o er the r talks if she wants to come up hang out and have a goodtime cool,if not im fine with that also.she said ok well in that case ill come up.
On the day she was supposed to come up she messaged in the morning and said she had a terrible headache and wasnt sure now,shell leave it a few hrs to see if it went,but if it doesnt she come up in a fortnight with our daughter and stay an extra couple of days to make it up to me. Shes used the headache excuse multiple times already over the last 7 months.
I was angry and wasnt sure what to message back.I knew she knew me and that i would respond in dissapointment and i stupidly did saying no good about the headache and i kind of knew this was going to happen.She said i know we are going to fight is all.I said you dont know that will happen at all and i know that you just dont want to spend time with me because you are over me and our marriage (bit of manipulating on my behalf i know)
Called her instead of messaging and said you dont know what will happen if you come up ect..and she said she did "see we are fighting now on the phone" She had gotten the reaction out of me and i played right into it,i stupidly said im sick of her manipulating me and treating me like a doormat and wont put up with it anymore i dont like being used by her.She threw a few lovely words at me then hung up.
Hasnt contacted me in a few days now so i guess i blew it again!!!! She knows me too well and plays the game to trap me so she an justify to herself what she doing with the other guys.How can i change this behaviour and idk.Why is she punishing me she must know that this is ripping me apart.
I really feel like giving up,i cant compete with the OM(her PA) and guys(EA possibly PA)shes lost in this fantasy world and is unreachable to me.Living 4 hrs away is so hard as i know she is seeing other man.My friends update me occasionally from what they see on her social media,she knows they would be telling me things its like she wants them to,its a thrill to her.
So hard to work through this when she obviously is done....why does she say things like i love you,we will get through this and everything will be ok,we are just having a break...not a forever break. Im such a fool and believe her idk.Trying to GAL but dont even want to get out of bed!!!

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