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Originally Posted by Down85
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Down,

the biggest thing standing out to me is that you are in the "friend zone". You need to read about NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome).

I don't have friends that are girls, never have. And if I did, I wouldn't be showering with them b/c that would lead to sex and thus we would not be friends.

Your wife wants your affection, but not all of it. Are you willing to have a partial relationship with her?


I will have to read that and I agree it feels more like a friendship than a relationship. I don't have girls that are friends for the same reason.

I do not understand the partial relationship though. I want a solid relationship, I want to learn from the mistakes and grow, preferably keeping my family intact with my wife.

The "partial relationship" means cake eating. Are you willing to give her what she wants without getting your needs met as well?


H 34
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BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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D85 I didnt post all that to try and hurt you but to try and get you to see that there are some issues she needs to work on. You say you're doing lots of nice things now. That's great but what is she doing? How is she trying to improve? Is she ready to commit back to the marriage, give up OM, get into MC and IC, and earn her way back? If not you will end up being right back here no matter how perfect you become.

You can't fix her. She has to be willing to work on herself. You can wait it out and see if she comes around, but at some point you will need to address things. The dynamics of your current marriage situation are not sustainable.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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The "partial relationship" means cake eating. Are you willing to give her what she wants without getting your needs met as well?


I see. Easy answer is no because that's not what I truly want or believe in.


Originally Posted by Steve85
D85 I didnt post all that to try and hurt you but to try and get you to see that there are some issues she needs to work on. You say you're doing lots of nice things now. That's great but what is she doing? How is she trying to improve? Is she ready to commit back to the marriage, give up OM, get into MC and IC, and earn her way back? If not you will end up being right back here no matter how perfect you become.

You can't fix her. She has to be willing to work on herself. You can wait it out and see if she comes around, but at some point you will need to address things. The dynamics of your current marriage situation are not sustainable.


I definitely didn't get my feelings hurt. I'm here for help and understand very well that I may not like what anyone says, but it's ultimately my choices and actions. I really do appreciate the words everyone has provided.

I guess a lot of it is confusing to me because her actions show different than she speaks. Like since my last post, she's been completely upbeat and exchanging hugs, while being flirty. We had a great family dinner. Many of the feelings I had when we first met are resurfacing because she is acting a lot like when we first met... But she is guarded. Then, when things are typed out and I see the points that others here bring up, it gives me another view.

I do understand and agree that she has underlying issues she needs to work on. I feel torn. I do greatly love her and want to keep my family together, but I also want happiness. I will tread lightly and continue working on detaching, while working on my life. I know either way, I will continue posting because you guys are really helping me.

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I guess a lot of it is confusing to me because her actions show different than she speaks. Like since my last post, she's been completely upbeat and exchanging hugs, while being flirty. We had a great family dinner. Many of the feelings I had when we first met are resurfacing because she is acting a lot like when we first met... But she is guarded. Then, when things are typed out and I see the points that others here bring up, it gives me another view.


This is because obstinate spouses rarely say the truth. Everything is said for an effect. Everything is said for what they are feeling and wanting at that moment. You cannot take them at their word. Also, be very very wary of their actions. They tend to run in the same way. Upbeat, huggy, flirty, great family dinner. Could all be manipulation attempts. This is especially true when the LBS is mopey, and sad, and woe is me.

WASs do not like to cause hurt, though they know they have to in order to get what they want. I have told this at least a dozen times on this board, but immediately after BD my W, who was very wayward, become super affectionate. Holding my hand, putting her arm around me, sitting as close as she could, rubbing my back, etc. After I found anti-divorce experts that said you have to let her go to get her back, and started to detach, did all of that stop. Weeks later when I mentioned how she was in the couple of days after BD she said "because I knew you were hurting". !?!?! And notice, it all stopped pretty much the minute I started to turn back.

Now rest assured that the affection did not mean she still wanted a D. It just meant she was, to ease her own conscience, going to try to make it as easy on me as possible. Remember when you would break up with a GF? And you always tried to do it as easy as possible? "Its not you, its me." "You deserve so much better!" "We can still be friends." same concept

That is why we say believe NOTHING she says, and only half of what she does. As I told you in my first response, likely her Plan A isn't solid yet, so she wants to make sure you are there as Plan B. And that is what is confusing for you. It will get worse as you get better at detachment. As she feels you pulling away it will make her feel vulnerable and she'll do everything she can to keep you attached.


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I guess what makes it difficult for me to grasp is the fact that when she said she was done, she wanted nothing to do with me. There was no comfort, not gestures, she went straight for my jugular. She was trying to inflict pain. I could see your point though; she knows my personality and I can be very cold-hearted and cut throat. Perhaps, she is trying to let me down easy so we don't get into a pissing match. It's almost more of being lead on though.

I haven't been real chatty with her today and she's been doing arts/craft stuff and each time she finishes something, she runs me down to show me.

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Focus on you Down85. That's the problem, you are still laser-focused on her.

What are you doing tonight for GAL?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Probably watching a movie with the kids after dinner until they go to bed. Then, it's likely a movie, maybe a bowl and then bed for me.

The way my leg is, it's hard for me to get out; I use to go fishing a lot, but with my mobility so declined... yeah.

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I guess you were right Steve. She walked out again today. I guess the OM that she was having the A with rented a house around the corner. She took her oldest and packed a couple of things and walked over there this morning.

I thought things were going so great. She even let me start touching her. I had really thought the A was over. I'm not as broken up about it as I probably should be. I guess I'm just more concerned about what's going to happen with my children. My best friend said that I don't sound hurt anymore, but he did say that I sounded a bit angry.

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The touching her let her know that you were still onboard as plan B. Why give affection to a cheater? You probably feel like an idiot for doing that now, knowing where her mind was. I say that b/c that's how I felt when I made mistakes, definitely not calling you a name but the LBS always wants to believe things are different than what they are.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Every one around us thought we were more of a couple than before. I feel like a doormat... At the end of the day I realize what I need to do and that's focus on my children and myself. At least I don't hurt like I did months ago. My children though and the rest of the family (mine and hers), seem broken and confused by her actions of this morning.

Maybe down the road things will change, but at this point I'm not even sure I could take her back if I wanted too. I do plan to lawyer up tomorrow though.

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