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focus22 Offline OP
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Something has just dawned on me, after answering on kml's thread...

The knowledge was sort of there already in my head, partially knitted together, but I didn't quite see it as clearly as I am now.

I originally studied music, but had a teacher that verged on the abusive. He was along the lines of the film about that young jazz drummer music student (can't remember what it was called). Not as bad, but I recognised so much of what went on in that student-teacher dynamic in that film.

Many of the significant male figures in my life have been overbearing, with larger that life personalities in some way or another. They have also incredibly been self absorbed, and unwilling or unable to see things from any point of view other than their own.

And that's ended up being very destructive for me, as I've felt squashed around the edges of their personalities and into the very corners of my own self.

It all seems to make so much sense now.

So where am I now? I feel different, more like I'm living in the centre of myself, in the core of my being. And maybe that's why people are responding to meet differently too. I've bumped into a couple of people in the past few days, colleagues of XH, who had previously been slightly distant and a bit dismissive towards me, who have been much warmer and welcoming, given a little more of themselves towards me.

I'm carrying on along this path. It seems to be working for me.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2014
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Good for you! Keep on keeping on, Focus.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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focus22 Offline OP
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I'm nearing the end of a contract. I feel very proud of what I've achieved.

This is a big deal for me on a few different levels. Financially, July/August are a bit dead for the kind of freelance work I do, so it's good to have a chunk of income at this time of year to see me over from the summer into the autumn.

As far as my CV goes, it's been very, very positive. It's a bit different from my previous freelance work I've done, so it's definitely adding something to my CV. There are prospects for moving up the ladder as well.

I've been invited back for next year.

It's turned out to be everything I wanted and hoped, and then some.

September I'm going to focus on my fitness again (I've not really had any time for running/gym this past month as I've been doing two different jobs, and working in two different cities), a little of my own work.

And I'm planning some weekend trips with my wonderful man. I'll go and stay at his house for a bit as well. I've noticed that he expresses his love through acts of kindness. So I would like to think of some things I can do for him over the next few months, some small and some bigger.

We talked a little about our previous Ms last time we met (Sunday past, when we went for a lovely walk and a drink in a very nice pub). He said that with hindsight, his M should have maybe only lasted a few years, instead of the 15 it did.

He felt that he put a lot of feeling, love and effort in, and that it wasn't returned. I think I've worked out what he found attractive about his XW: lots of energy, intelligence and ambition. On the downside, it sounds like a lot of her ambition was to do with social betterment and appearances. And that those desires/expectations spread outwards to him and their children.

He's also driven and ambitious, although I'd say they are much more private in nature and manifestation and much less focused on the exterior trappings of success. He's really very much about leaving people to make their own minds up, supporting other people in whatever decision they make and that's the deal. It feels like it's the way he is in his core, and that it's been reinforced by the whole D process and the learning to co-parent.

He also said that looking back, he felt like he took a place on the sidelines to her ambition and career, and ended up forgetting about himself. This was a mistake I made as well, and I said as much.

I didn't say this, but at the moment I'm thinking that I never really should have got M to my XH. Thinking back, I have a feeling it was more my idea than my XH's. I think he was pretty silent on the whole idea, and maybe found it easier just to go along with it all, rather than actually say how he felt. And then before long, we were M, and in the blink of an eye several years had gone by...

So I think my lesson has been very much to see where the boundary between myself and other people is, and just concentrate on looking inwards and governing myself, instead of trying to sort things out for other people thinking it might sort things out for myself. Sure, make suggestions, but then leave it at that. Just see how other people respond to those suggestions, and if they don't take it up, don't pursue. But focus on myself and govern myself, those are the main lessons (for now at least).

His grown up children are taking us out in late November. We're going to an international rugby match, and then they're taking us out to dinner.

I'm pretty much bowled over by this. It feels lovely to be so welcomed by them. Neither of them are earning very much either, one has only just left school and is working in hospitality, and the other has only just finished his degree and is doing some temporary admin work.

So, all in all, it's good. On the surface nothing much has changed over the past year/six months, but at the same time everything is completely different. I don't know if I would recognise myself if I met myself from even 2 years ago.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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focus22 Offline OP
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Just released that I didn't post what I had said when we were talking about our previous Ms...

I said that I don't think I realised what companionship was actually like, as I think it was missing from my M. It felt more like two people going along side by side, but not actually making many joint decisions together. And that's because I don't think we actually talked about stuff to start with.

My R with this man feels more like a partnership, and I know what companionship feels like now too.

Over a year and a half that we have been together and I know that I am utterly in love with him. The attraction was instant, but there's always been more I want to discover about him, from the very beginning, and there's a new sense of my own self, a softer self, that I am slowly finding out about too.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
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kml Offline
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Quote
And I'm planning some weekend trips with my wonderful man. I'll go and stay at his house for a bit as well. I've noticed that he expresses his love through acts of kindness. So I would like to think of some things I can do for him over the next few months, some small and some bigger.


Heads up - it's my belief that people who do Acts of Service are looking for Words of Affirmation in return.

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focus22 Offline OP
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Thanks so much kml!

Just out of curiosity, why is that?


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
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kml Offline
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Those of us who do Acts of Service are usually looking for the applause and compliments. "Oh wow, thanks for detailing my car/baking me a cake/ mowing my lawn/ knitting me a sweater. Your so smart/talented/strong/kind!"

kml #2808151 08/21/18 10:38 PM
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focus22 Offline OP
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Ah...I had an inkling that's what you were going to say.

And it chimes in with something he said early on about his XW, and a snarky comment she made (when they were still M).

Thank you


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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focus22 Offline OP
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Posts: 805
So, I've finished my big chunk of work in the other city. It went really, really well. I got a fantastic appraisal and invited back for next year. I felt like I earned the respect of all of my colleagues too.

At the moment I'm thinking I would like to do another stint next year, with the aim of heading towards one of the supervisor roles at some point beyond that.

Health wise I don't feel great at all. I was staying with my mum, which was lovely, although she was ill while I was there. I found that quite stressful, on top of the insane schedule I was living. She has a degenerative illness, which is made worse by stress, and by her mindset too. I was trying my hardest to stay level headed with everything, emotionally. I could feel myself in a 'loving detachment' sort of presence with her. On the plus side, I think she's finally understanding how much her mindset is affecting her illness and is taking responsibility for trying to change that (she's been pretty successful so far).

Also, she only has a shower and not a bath. I use a hot bath for relaxing my back muscles, which I have a lot of trouble with. So a month of not having a bath and my lower back and the top half of my legs have pretty much seized up. I'm in quite a lot of pain in the mornings and feel like I'm wearing a steel corset pretty much all day long. I can't even bend over and touch my knees when I wake up at the moment.

I've also not had any time at all this past month for any sort of physical exercise, beyond the jobs I was doing and the walking around between them and walking around that one of them entailed.

So it's not surprise that mentally, I don't feel too great either. There's a very obvious link between all these things. I feel like my old insecurities are coming to the fore with interest on top as well.

Old insecurities? Being left. With interest? Being betrayed before being left.

It's really not a very appealing mindset I'm in at the moment. I dislike the 'with interest' part intensely. I don't know if I'm feeling that especially because I'm now in a R with someone I love very much?

I never imagined that the person I was M to in my previous life would have behaved in the way he did. I never would have imaged that a person could have done something like that. Does that make me naive? I mean, sure, we hear of that sort of stuff a lot (in films, in books, on TV, from friends...) but having lived through it gives it a different perspective entirely.

It's making me feel super uncomfortable and ill at ease with myself.

Anyway, I talked about it with the wonderful man I'm with yesterday. He has a different way of dealing with things than I do, which I really appreciate finding out about. I'm very much about trying to see the big picture and how everything fits together. I need the intellectual framework to hang everything on for it to make sense to me. On the other hand, it's enough for him to see/feel/perceive things from his own perspective, whatever that is, and go with it.

It's really interesting. Neither way of being/doing is right or wrong, they're just different. I know I could learn a lot from his way of being and I reckon being more reflective would help him too. Adopting elements of each other's way of being would make both of us more rounded as individuals.

Which led us on to a brief conversation about his XW and M. I think she really wanted to change him and mould him into something that he wasn't. I get the impression that she was quite a powerful force, and along with his easy going nature, he probably ended up getting sidelined a good bit in his M. He said that looking back, he should maybe have not let that happen and been more assertive about himself (and in particular, developing himself).

I think this is a fear for him...someone wanting to change him into someone else. So we chatted about that too. I'm really really not about trying to change other people like that (been in the receiving end of that from my father, so I'm very much allergic to that sort of dynamic, either from other people or peddling that vibe to other people). I'm all about tapping into who you are and fostering the best parts of yourself, so that you can be a truer version of yourself.

I think he does that anyway, instincively, whereas there's a lot of very self conscious decision making for me that goes on with my approach to that.

So that's where I'm at with life at the moment.

I've pushed myself super hard this past month and some interesting things have come out of it. I'm not proud of everything that's come out of it, but there you go.

I'm really enjoying being so close to someone that is so different from me. I look forward to sharing things together and discovering new things too. I'm deeply intrigued by who/how he is, he feels very substantial and solid. I am totally in love.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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focus22 Offline OP
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Posts: 805
Actually, you know what? I'm feeling a little angry today.

Yeah, sure, I'll own the fear of being abandoned scenario. That's been mine for a while.

But the fear of betrayal? Why should I deal with that? I never worried about that before all of that stuff happened. I don't know why, I just never thought that the person I was M to would do something like that. I never felt insecure around other women, never compared myself to them. None of that sort of stuff registered on my radar. I was just busy being myself. But now, all that stuff that happened has made me stop and think, and worry.

But why should I be foisted with those concerns, when that was never my struggle anyway?

Can I just reject that? Just make a decision to say 'no thanks, I don't want **that** particular struggle'?


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
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