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You ARE separated. Maybe you don't have the legal paperwork but you are living apart and he's not working towards reconciliation at this point in time - that pretty much means separated,

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It’s a legal timing thing KML. There is no emotional attachment to the word. I feel no shame in the word divorce either. His failing, not mine. Had he not messed about, we could have been divorced as of tomorrow. Now it is just going to be a time and money sink. It will come, just not on my schedule.

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Yes but when people ask socially, they're interested in your social status not your legal status. And your social status is separated.

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Just journaling. Don't care about the who, the why, etc. Just a signpost.

MLCer is still stalking my fake OLD, but since the drive-by has not contacted the at-home child (or presumably the back-at-school child). Neither shows any sign of caring and indeed have not mentioned him, but this is the longest period of NC with them since he first left.

I've decided to deal with the potential question of marital status by saying we live separately. Just can't bring myself to use a legal term of art like "separated" that could have profound financial consequences in any setting.

Last edited by OneArt; 09/02/18 10:45 PM.
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Well that still kind of doesn't answer what people are asking socially. They'll want to know if you're living separately, heading towards divorce, or living separately, in a long distance marriage or working towards reconciliation. Maybe you could answer "living separately, heading towards divorce")?

I'm sorry about how he neglects the kids. That's the one thing I really can't forgive my ex for.

It's been interesting for me to observe CMM with his kids. Three daughters in their twenties who barely speak to him. (He left their alcoholic mother after she falsely told the cops he had attempted to strangle her - when she was the one who was so abusive physically to him he had called the cops). He still refuses to get into it with them because he doesn't want to have to diss their mother. They feel like he was "the strong one" and should have been able to fix things. I think he has been avoiding calling them because the rejection is so painful. He's having to call them this weekend to discuss his cancer diagnosis.

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I used the term "estranged". It seemed to capture the essence of things.


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I recall being pregnant. For the last month or so everyone asked when the baby was due. Those who didn't see me on a daily basis would call and ask if I'd had the baby yet (yes, I had it last week but forgot to mention it). I hated that time. I hated giving those constant updates. I had preeclampsia and was on bed rest lying on one side and just wanted to be done.

I can see myself telling people that I am separated and moving to divorce (which you'd think I could say since he filed right?) but then remembering my lawyer's admonition that this would likely drag on for years, if it ever concluded, based on what he has done so far (and that was before he stalled out the case before it ever began by not paying an insubstantial fee). I think I will say we are moving toward divorce when everything is signed off on and we are just awaiting the judge's signature.

So yes, I do like estranged, but read earlier in my thread on the discussion about that word. I don't see us ever getting back together. If I start thinking about it as a possibility I feel sick. I've come to like a peaceful life where I'm not told every day that everything I am and everything I do is just not good enough.

I suppose the stuff with the kids is guilt/shame. Sometimes hard to draw the line there. He has most definitely committed actions and inactions which no doubt induce guilt. But, I think the chance is also good that at some remote level he does recognize that he is not a good person. I think a lot of it is fear of rejection, since everything is still about him. It must be awful to come to the realization too that you simply cannot be bothered in making the drive to see your children and then having to see the pain on their face, or hear something that makes you feel bad, or realize they are two feet taller than the last time you saw them and bear little resemblance to the child you recall.

It always makes me question the competence of his lawyer. Either this guy is a total boob, or the MLCer really does not take his advice. If you were in a divorce proceeding for which there was likely to be a dispute over visitation, wouldn't you want to look like a committed dad who actually cared to see his child? Even if you didn't really want to see the kid, would you want to look like a bad dad suddenly cutting off all contact and never making any attempt to see them? I assume he knows there is going to be some determination on the custody/visitation issue, even if it is just that the child wants none. Narcissists generally love legal action and promoting themselves as a great dad. Where is the narc in him when you need it? And if the money and the visitation don't matter to him, why doesn't he just finalize it and run off to schmoopieland?

Still, I can't help looking at the global scoresheet every once in a while. He's paying, I have health insurance I don't have to pay for, I haven't had to move again, he leaves me alone, he leaves them alone, he lives a bit away and our lives do not intersect at any level. It's kind of like I have a job I don't particularly like but it is too convenient to bother looking for another.

So, for today (and tomorrow is another day), I am living separately from my husband from whom I am estranged with no view to reconciliation in what will, ultimately, be a divorce.

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After taking a week off from the daily texts he has re-emerged. I believe for the first time he told them that he knows he has hurt them (if he said it before it was long ago and more of a sorry you feel hurt). He also said that he misses them and thinks about them all of the time. He has never said that before. Then the usual I love yous.

I looked through the past texts. There was anger at the kids (same time he was raging at me) in the month before he filed. Lots of chiding them for not responding, demanding they contact him, etc. Since then the communications have become progressively warmer and more thinky. The teenage texting style, excessive punctuation, and emojis and gifs have also largely disappeared. I do think something is going on. He has a big day coming up. That could be the trigger. I hope this isn’t just the latest attempt to get their attention because his anchor checks haven’t been working. It would be disheartening to think he was manipulating them. He is still messing with my fake profile. Now on a daily basis, even during the break from communication.

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Oneart

I am sorry he is still harassing you and the kids

But it sounds like you have all detached from him

I know when I really detached and stopped responding

W would alternate between sweet and monster

My lack of response was the most irritating

Best wishes

You got this


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2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Batten down the hatches. There may be a storm coming.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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