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#2806817 08/14/18 06:21 PM
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Previous Thread:

Am I coming or going?


Back to square one.

I found an apartment in my town today. I am really on the fence. Do I jump on it? I really wanted to buy, I really wanted stability but I am in a time crunch and there is nothing at all on the market. I am so sick of moving. I am terrified of getting kicked out again. I seriously have to make a quick decision, by myself, and I have no idea if it's the right one.

I still don't get how I ended up here. Not where I expected to be this many years later. I saw a house, a new husband, more kids, happiness, and stability. I am glad I am in the minority and most who divorce at my age go on to have what I stated above. But I do have a career and a beautiful daughter, so that's pretty awesome.

I need a sign.

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Take the apartment. That's my vote. There are pros and cons but homeownership is hard.

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Quick decisions - especially with such huge life decisions - are never a good idea. Sadly they sometimes cannot be avoided. However, why does this have to be quick? I thought you could force them to honor your current lease and buy you some time? That's really where to head here if you can - buy yourself some time.

With rare exception it's much better to buy than it is to rent - much better. You are nearly always building equity with a monthly house payment where rent is poured down a hole never to be seen again. If there is any way possible you can buy, financially it will benefit you.

That brings up another question, you didn't actually cash out of that 401K or IRA did you? Lord I hope not - otherwise that again is damages that should be recouped from that goof that put his house up for sale when he really didn't want to sell. That has to amount to thousands of dollars in penalties and taxes.

Regardless, I would not make ANY decisions like this for at least a few weeks. You are not in a mental space to be making life decisions like this. Give it a little bit of time - perhaps triple the time you think you need? Everyone who is anyone always says don't make big life decisions under duress or stress. Perhaps that's your "sign" for now.


DonH
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Originally Posted by kml
Take the apartment. That's my vote. There are pros and cons but homeownership is hard.


LOL - KML... you and I used to be on the same page most of the time. What happened - totally laughing here.


DonH
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Don, my area is no where like your area. Buying isn't really all that profitable. I am most likely backed into a corner and I have to rent. The odds of a rental at like this coming up again in the small time frame I have is slim to none. So I either jump on it, or I wait, then it is too late. Yes, I took out the money. I was under contract and needed it available. If I take this rental, I will get the 5K, and that will cover my tax loss.

I am in a position where I am not left with many decisions. I drove by a new house yesterday that just went on the market. We have had heavy rains. The front and side yard were flooded. Heck no! Then I drove by the house I was supposed to have and the old guy was outside trimming his bonsai tree. That house was perfect. Sigh.

I had a bad mom moment this morning. First, D10 was whining all morning about going to camp, she wanted to stay home alone, she wanted to come with me to work, ect. I explained to her that if we moved closer to my work, she could stay home alone more often. She did the whole "I am not moving thing" again. and then said if we moved it would make it harder on her dad and OWW. And that's where I sort of lost it. I told her I had no choice in this matter. I am living with what I was left with and when your father left me, he did not give a cr@p about how much harder life was made for me. I am in this position where I didn't have much say and I am making decisions based on what's right for us, not others. She apologized, I felt awful. But sometimes she needs to know this stuff. There was more to it, but that was the bad part.

yeah, I am losing it. The truth is, I bet her father would drop his week day, my daughter would blame me, and everything would be my fault and she would be miserable.

This life stinks. I married such a reject. I pretty much pay for it every second of my life.

I am barely able to function. I just want to lay there and close my eyes. But I don't. She gets to cheerleading, I cook dinner, I even took her for ice cream last night. I cleaned up a little. But it is all taking every ounce of my energy.

One second it is all coming together, the next second its all falling apart. Amazing how that works.

Now to take care of my car accidents......

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Don - you and I live in very different housing markets. Mine is probably much more like hers - overvalued and prone to boom and bust. Buy on the high side and you could be underwater in that house for years.

But the other reason to hesitate buying is Ginger has so much on her plate and not a lot of reserves to handle homeowner emergencies. Plus she still could well end up in a relationship where she ends up moving in with a guy, so anything she buys needs to pencil out as a rental or it could end up a huge liability for her.

Also Don - it was true for our generation that buying was a good investment but at today's inflated prices not so much.

As for the taxes - Ginger I believe you can put that money back into your IRA within a certain time period and avoid the tax hit -look into it.

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If you think that you can't locate a place in the very near future, I would seriously think about the apartment. I know your time is getting short and you need to find a place and hopefully closer to your work. My sister went through what you are going through w/your daughter wanting the stay in the same area...but she listened to her and in the end, she did what was best for her and the children...she moved. Once the move took place, the kids love the new place because it has a community pool and rec center in the housing development. The issue about schools and friends, well, they can still stay connected w/their friends via electronics and go see them periodically or have them come over. It's not like it use to be when we were kids and only had the phone to communicate.

As for being more convenient for dear old dad and his wife...too bad. It's time for you to start thinking about you, your time and convenience. Remember...you are the parent and you have to do what is best for you right now. Your daughter will adjust and the time to do a move is now before she gets into high school.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I am going to go see it tonight. I can afford it, It's actually completely redone, there is a pool in the complex, ect. second floor, one assigned parking spot. More than I pay now, for less, but what can I do?

I don't want to be making any big decisions right now, but I don't have a choice.

KML, you are correct, buying at the height right now where I am not planning on making this my forever home, whether I move in with a guy or not, could leave me with a loss. Not an investment.

As for moving her, I would really like to, but so hastily might not be the right move. Plus, the market isn't so hot where I am looking either, it's just a bigger area.

Maybe my best bet is to take this, and see where I am a year from now. I hate moving so much, but I am not really left with a choice.

I really do need to start thinking about myself. Moving would be good for me out of this town. I don't really give two sh!its about how not easy it is for ex's and his wife's one stinking night a week. They don't raise her. I do. They bring her on vacation and to parties and wear matching clothing. I make sure her needs are met. She will see it one day. She sees it now, because anything she needs, she asks me. Never her father. Ever.

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While quick decisions are never pleasant, I think you are right in looking at the apartment and giving it serious consideration. It may not be perfect but life never is, so you have to make the best decision for you and D10 right now. Circumstances will surely change down the road and maybe a house that is perfect for you will pop up later. Life has a funny way of working things out for you sometimes and I think that the house deal falling through may be a blessing in disguise for you. I know it doesn't seem that way now. But, I think it means there is something better on the horizon.

May I ask a rhetorical question? I want to preface it with this: I think, from what I know of you through your posts, that you are a strong, confident, take charge, get it done, fiery, passionate woman. You work hard, you love hard, and you are fiercely loyal to those who are loyal to you. You have amazing strength and drive and you are single-handedly raising a lovely young woman who will be a productive part of our society in her future. And, she has a fantastic role model in you to show her how to be a real woman. Those are all amazing qualities. So, here's the rhetorical question/comment part. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but you seem somewhat bitter about what might have been if your XH had been different than he is. I understand that, in simplest terms, he's a loser and you feel like you chose wrong in marrying him, but you can't change that. You can't change him. He is who he is. I say that because of the last line of your post above and that is not the first time you have made statements about how bad he was as a husband or how bad he is as a father. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm NOT putting you down for making those statements or feeling that way. You are certainly entitled to feeling and posting whatever you want. I'm just wondering if maybe you are holding on to some anger or bitterness that might serve you better to just let it go. He's not going to change.....EVER....because people do NOT inherently change. So, why waste the mental energy on being upset with, angry at, or even giving a second thought to, for that matter, someone who is SO insignificant? Sure, he's your D's dad and you can't change that either, but as she gets older, she can develop her own relationship with him that has absolutely nothing to do with you and you can have less and less contact with him. You share a child, but when that child is no longer a child, there really won't be much reason for you to have to deal with him.

You have so much going for you in a positive way that I sometimes hurt for you when I see you mention things like that. Again, I'm not trying to tell you what to feel or what to post, but just making an observation from the outside looking in. And, I also say all this because it was pointed out to me recently too. I rarely think of or even talk about my XH to anyone in my circle, but occasionally, particularly when I am having a rough day, I will spew some anger about him to someone I'm venting to. Someone recently pointed that out to me and it made me stop and pause about why I was even letting him take up space in my head. Of course, our sitches are different in that "our" children are actually HIS children and they were all adults when we got D'ed so there is NO reason for us to maintain contact for their sake or benefit like you have to do with D10 and her dad. It's like that old saying about holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent-free in your head. Or my personal fave: holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

You are amazing, G! You truly are. Life keeps handing you sh!t sandwiches for some reason lately, but you are going to come out of this on the other side, stronger, wiser, happier and better for all of it because you are a fighter and a survivor. It's all going to be ok. Hang in there! Positive thoughts, vibes and prayers are coming your way from down south. wink


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Originally Posted by kml
As for the taxes - Ginger I believe you can put that money back into your IRA within a certain time period and avoid the tax hit -look into it.


This is a very good point - one I should have brought up myself! You should have 60 days to return or roll back the money you took out. You don't even have to return it to where it came from. You can simply roll it over into a current Ira you may already have or simply open a new one. This should be strongly considered as it will save you both the 10% penalty and the income tax. This likely will amount to thousands of dollars of savings and is a really big deal. It's sad that you rushed to cash out (triple it) but all is not lost - you can still fix it! Putting that money back will save you thousands and you can use the $5K for other things!

I'm no expert on realastate. Obviously with most investments if you buy high and end up selling low it's going to result in a loss. I've done extremely well for myself and for companies I ran but real estate was a small piece of doing that. As I said in my origional post, making a quick decision is not usually a good one. Certainly buying something quick is more likely to be a bad idea than is renting for a year longer while you continue to look. All that said, to assume real estate is a bad investment in 2018 is a hard sell to me. Buying the right home at the right price for even 3 years is often a money maker. A $1,500 monthly lease will cost $54,000 with no equity at the end. The same or a little more put towards a mortgage will net equity plus the potential for value increases. If you can extend that out to 5 or 10 years the majority of homes will be worth more than they were purchased for. There are exceptions and yes, home owernership takes time some skills and some money. Things need to be repaired and replaced. It's not for everyone. However there is a reason most financial planners and professionals advocate home ownership over renting over the long term.


DonH
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
While quick decisions are never pleasant, I think you are right in looking at the apartment and giving it serious consideration. It may not be perfect but life never is, so you have to make the best decision for you and D10 right now. Circumstances will surely change down the road and maybe a house that is perfect for you will pop up later. Life has a funny way of working things out for you sometimes and I think that the house deal falling through may be a blessing in disguise for you. I know it doesn't seem that way now. But, I think it means there is something better on the horizon.

May I ask a rhetorical question? I want to preface it with this: I think, from what I know of you through your posts, that you are a strong, confident, take charge, get it done, fiery, passionate woman. You work hard, you love hard, and you are fiercely loyal to those who are loyal to you. You have amazing strength and drive and you are single-handedly raising a lovely young woman who will be a productive part of our society in her future. And, she has a fantastic role model in you to show her how to be a real woman. Those are all amazing qualities. So, here's the rhetorical question/comment part. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but you seem somewhat bitter about what might have been if your XH had been different than he is. I understand that, in simplest terms, he's a loser and you feel like you chose wrong in marrying him, but you can't change that. You can't change him. He is who he is. I say that because of the last line of your post above and that is not the first time you have made statements about how bad he was as a husband or how bad he is as a father. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm NOT putting you down for making those statements or feeling that way. You are certainly entitled to feeling and posting whatever you want. I'm just wondering if maybe you are holding on to some anger or bitterness that might serve you better to just let it go. He's not going to change.....EVER....because people do NOT inherently change. So, why waste the mental energy on being upset with, angry at, or even giving a second thought to, for that matter, someone who is SO insignificant? Sure, he's your D's dad and you can't change that either, but as she gets older, she can develop her own relationship with him that has absolutely nothing to do with you and you can have less and less contact with him. You share a child, but when that child is no longer a child, there really won't be much reason for you to have to deal with him.

You have so much going for you in a positive way that I sometimes hurt for you when I see you mention things like that. Again, I'm not trying to tell you what to feel or what to post, but just making an observation from the outside looking in. And, I also say all this because it was pointed out to me recently too. I rarely think of or even talk about my XH to anyone in my circle, but occasionally, particularly when I am having a rough day, I will spew some anger about him to someone I'm venting to. Someone recently pointed that out to me and it made me stop and pause about why I was even letting him take up space in my head. Of course, our sitches are different in that "our" children are actually HIS children and they were all adults when we got D'ed so there is NO reason for us to maintain contact for their sake or benefit like you have to do with D10 and her dad. It's like that old saying about holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent-free in your head. Or my personal fave: holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

You are amazing, G! You truly are. Life keeps handing you sh!t sandwiches for some reason lately, but you are going to come out of this on the other side, stronger, wiser, happier and better for all of it because you are a fighter and a survivor. It's all going to be ok. Hang in there! Positive thoughts, vibes and prayers are coming your way from down south. wink



First, thank you for your kind words. They really mean a lot.

I do have residual bitterness towards my ex. It doesn't control my life anymore, which it did, but it certainly rears it's ugly head when his immoral decisions have affected the rest of me and my daughter's life. Many of my big life decisions had to be made based upon his choices. I struggled with my career for many years because I was the main carer for our daughter and I had no familial help and an odd hour job. I job hopped to find which one would work and left the one I loved. I am bound to a state where a single mother can barely afford to live because of our divorce. I make almost 6 figures, and it's barely enough. I am still bitter that my life is limited by what he did. It doesn't control me anymore, but it does come out in times like these.

The good news is, I really don't have any contact with him. I see him maybe once every other week for a few minutes. We text, rarely talk. D10 now has a phone is capable of all contact she wants to make. I even have her call and arrange some plans sometimes. It's made things much better for me. Our only communication is about money and schedules. I even tried to get this google calendar thing going, but he doesn't know how to use it and doesn't want to learn. Unfortunately cheerleading season is upon us and I have to see them every weekend and be friendly. But I am good at it.

I am fully accepting though of who he is, how I can't change him, and how he will never change. That I knew a long time ago. He is who he is and I married him that way. I wish to God all my life decisions for myself and my daughter were not constrained by him some how. That's what really gets my goat.

Again, nothing I can do with it, I've got to play the cards I have been dealt.

But if he would have just completely left out lives, I would have been much happier. But, D10, not so much.

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I looked at the apartment yesterday. It is what all the units are. I might take it. My agent took me for a drive by to a hosue that is going back on the market on sunday. Flood zone, but not bad flood, but insurance is required. It's being listed by an another agent, but I hoping they drop the price, because with the flood insurance, I can't afford it where it is at. So, he is going to start the lease process and try to stall until sunday until I can get into the house.

He said my father keeps calling him and asking what he needs to make this work. My dad acts like he is willing to give money. But he isn't. The agent freely gives to his adult daughter, and he seems to think "he's your father, he says he wants to". But no. I will beholden to him, and every time he says he is going to help, he can't. Or he got figures wrong, or something. I just don't want it. Him and his wife are coming on Sunday. They can look. They were just coming for a visit.

Still in major home limbo, but it seems as if I really need to be out by oct. 1st. I still haven't been able to do anything about my car accidents. The backstabbing social worker at work today tried to humiliate me in a meeting.......

I have an awful urge to read out to Band Ass. it's not logical, I am not going to, but part of me want's to be like "Really, that's it?!?" he's moved onto the next victim I guess.

I am going to go visit my friends new beautiful home tomorrow with other friends then we are going out to some nice upscale restaurant/bar. I need this. An escape will be nice.

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LOL G.....Band Ass. Don't do it......................................


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M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
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Originally Posted by Joseph9
LOL G.....Band Ass. Don't do it......................................


Luckily my rational side takes over more often than not these days........

I even thought about reaching out to HC. Not to do the nasty. To take him up on his friends and drinks offer. Hey, he takes me to nice places and pays. We did have a good time together even when we weren't in the sack. Then I realized I am not kid free really until some random day next week.

I think I am searching for anything to make me feel good. Hey, atleast I am self-aware! I will give myself credit for that!

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Yes you probably are and good for you for being self aware!! Don't give Band Dich or CC another thought.


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M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
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But I am using chocolate as comfort and it's going to make me fat...........

A sad attempt at humor. I am off my game

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Originally Posted by Ginger1


First, thank you for your kind words. They really mean a lot.

I do have residual bitterness towards my ex. It doesn't control my life anymore, which it did, but it certainly rears it's ugly head when his immoral decisions have affected the rest of me and my daughter's life. Many of my big life decisions had to be made based upon his choices. I struggled with my career for many years because I was the main carer for our daughter and I had no familial help and an odd hour job. I job hopped to find which one would work and left the one I loved. I am bound to a state where a single mother can barely afford to live because of our divorce. I make almost 6 figures, and it's barely enough. I am still bitter that my life is limited by what he did. It doesn't control me anymore, but it does come out in times like these.

The good news is, I really don't have any contact with him. I see him maybe once every other week for a few minutes. We text, rarely talk. D10 now has a phone is capable of all contact she wants to make. I even have her call and arrange some plans sometimes. It's made things much better for me. Our only communication is about money and schedules. I even tried to get this google calendar thing going, but he doesn't know how to use it and doesn't want to learn. Unfortunately cheerleading season is upon us and I have to see them every weekend and be friendly. But I am good at it.

I am fully accepting though of who he is, how I can't change him, and how he will never change. That I knew a long time ago. He is who he is and I married him that way. I wish to God all my life decisions for myself and my daughter were not constrained by him some how. That's what really gets my goat.

Again, nothing I can do with it, I've got to play the cards I have been dealt.

But if he would have just completely left out lives, I would have been much happier. But, D10, not so much.


Thanks for the explanation. I hope my post didn't come across as rude because that certainly wasn't my intention. It really was just seeing it from a different point of view. I don't live in your head or walk in your shoes, so I don't want it to sound like I'm judging because that is absolutely NOT my right nor my place. I kind of get where you are coming from. Because my situation was different, I don't completely understand, but your explanation helps and I appreciate your taking the time to lay it out like that. The end result, at least for me, is that I do sincerely wish you well and I meant all the nice stuff I said. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a bounty of good things to come your way soon.

Oh and I totally agree with J9...do NOT text band a$$ or HC for that matter (and thank you for that little laugh this morning).


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
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Dawn, I am never, ever offended by anything you say. And it was a good observation. I will admit, in the beginning, I held onto the anger wishing he could just be a decent person. I learned a lot since then, let go of a lot, and simply just resent the fact I live in the constraints of his poor choices.

To add a little more on my plate today, my colleague, who has been here 20 years, the other case manager told me I should start looking for another job. She heard something and she is afraid we are getting shut down. She told me I have a child and need a house and that I need to protect myself.

So, yeah, that happened too. I can only laugh.

I've been putting myself to bed as soon as D10 goes to bed. I can't seem to deal with the world right now.

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Don't buy a house if your job is unstable unless you have 6 months of living expenses in savings. Seriously.

Rent the apartment, find a new job and take your time.

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(((Ginger)))

It will work out. It really will. You are a nurse. There is no shortage of jobs. An apt will buy you some time so you are not pressured to make a really big and expensive decision. This knowledge is good. You were gonna buy in an area closer to your job. That would not make sense now. Just dont put much work into it. Only unpack what you need to.

Dont contact those guys cause you need a pick me up. It will just make you feel worse. You can handle this without them to feel better.

I get that on bad days you are really gonna resent your ex. I do too. I blame him for a lot of my issues. It is hard not to. A single mom that had it much tougher then me once said something along the lines of " lack of support from the other parent is a daily crime being perpetrated against you and your kids over and over". Its not something you can move past cause it is just always there in your face when your struggling to make ends meet. Kind of like that movie ground hogs day.
Its not just a oh he cheated on me, im gonna move on with my life.

But it does help me to remember that the only single reason it is a struggle is because we were given the most incredible gifts ever. So worth every bit.

Just hang in there. Get through it day by day


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So, I drank a half a bottle of wine last night and ALMOST texted BandA$$. But I did not. I just went to sleep. I do keep replaying the scene over in my head. The whole thing is kind of crazy.

A condo came on the market today, actually, the one below the one I was going to rent..... reasonable price, going to look today.

Then, I just looked at my phone and there is a text from HC. "I know this is last minute but I need a drinking buddy at a pub tonight" He wanted to go out and just needed a buddy. Gee, I feel so special. I did reply that I'll be out with the girls in his old stomping grounds.

Juju, you explained it exactly as I experience it. I know that I will not be left jobless, they will relocate me in my system. I just can only handle so much starting over. But I know I'll be employed, so that's plus.

I think I will feel so much better when some of the uncertainty is gone. I need some direction.

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About HC and the "drinking buddy" comment:
Unfortunately I recognize this. I think you, like me, kinda pride yourself on being able to be " one of the guys". In your case, maybe even drinking like one of the guys. Then we're surprised when guys treat us like one of the guys.

The feminist in me fought against this most of my life but the truth is that if we want to be treated like desirable, valuable women we need to resist the urge to show how tough and "one of the guys" we are. And maybe dial back the drinking.

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Originally Posted by kml
About HC and the "drinking buddy" comment:
Unfortunately I recognize this. I think you, like me, kinda pride yourself on being able to be " one of the guys". In your case, maybe even drinking like one of the guys. Then we're surprised when guys treat us like one of the guys.

The feminist in me fought against this most of my life but the truth is that if we want to be treated like desirable, valuable women we need to resist the urge to show how tough and "one of the guys" we are. And maybe dial back the drinking.



Well, I guess I am one of the guys he wants to sleep with. Which he still wants. I don't. But yeah, I am a pretty solid drinking buddy. I am, at times, seen as "one of the guys". I could dial back the drinking and maybe clean up my potty mouth a little. Probably should cut the locker room talk out too.........

Honestly, I probably would have taken his offer up if I had nothing going on and my other option was my couch and Netflix again. But I would much rather be with my ladies. It's weird, now that I have kind of lost the romantic attraction, I could probably just hang out. I would not sleep with him. That part has actually left the building for me. It doesn't matter anyways, because I have plans. He'll have to go out drinking with himself.

Oh, since he knows the place I am going, I asked him how I should dress. He said it was upscale, so if I was "trying to catch a guy" definitely dress date nice. Nice to slip that one in there.......

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Haha - I think he's a little jealous on some level. But not enough to ask you out on a real date.

I like that you weren't available at the drop of a hat. Let's him know if he wants to enjoy your company he should make plans in advance.

Honestly there'd be nothing wrong with sleeping with him EXCEPT you would want more and then feel hurt he wasn't offering it.

(Oh and btw - if you're looking for a guy who'll be in a real relationship with you, no buying tickets to a strip club show, no matter how politically relevant. That definitely put you in "one of the guys" category.)

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Mercury has left retrograde. I am hoping this helps me out a bit, and it very possibly could have.

Get ready to 2x4 me. So I went out Friday night and had fun. We didn't stay out long because the weather was awful. We have had unrelenting rains here. Saturday morning I was laying in bed looking at FB as I normally do and I saw a video of a coaster he would love. We chatted a bit about it and that was it. Then later he texted me a pic of him beating a record. A little back and forth and then nothing. Then, later on he asked me if I had plans that night. I told him I had the kiddo. he said he made my favorite drink and had some extra and didn't want it to go to waste. I told him he was welcomed to bring it over after d10 went to bed. I didn't think he would, especially since he leaves for camp today. But he did. Only, D10 didn't fall asleep right away, so I told her my friend was comin over. She wanted to say hi, so I introduced them and she went right back to bed. I told her he is a friend like my male friend she knows. So, we hung out. On my couch. We just talked, shared pictures of eachothers kids, dogs, ect. We went back to where we were. We had a pillow in between us, which eventually moved and he was holding my hand. Everything like it used to be. And yeah, we made out. He left at 5am. We didn't talk about anything that happened between us, we did discuss all that over text already. I honestly don't even know where this leaves us. I am much calmer about it this time, but it's in the back of my head what happened. He knows how I feel and where I stand. But I don't know what this means for us. We chatted a little bit today. I am kind of glad he will be away this week. I guess we can both think about this. He can make the next move.


Onto the other news in my life. My dad and stepmom are here. We went to see a house. Small world, me and the woman who owned the house worked together but didn't figure it out until the end. She worked for the home health/hospice I worked for. Anyways, the house is old, and it has had some pretty shoddy repair work done to it. My dad was like, no way I can have you live there. He told my agent that he will help me have a nicer home. well, we went home and it made think of this other one I wanted to look at that was more money. We went without the agent, he gave us the code because the house was empty. It is not in flood zone and it actually backs D10's best friend's home. It was kind of perfect for us, with some changes. the kitchen was HUGE. My dream. It needs a dishwasher and new counters, but doable. Needs new floors throughout and a paint job. And it's a 3 bedroom, but 2 are side by side and small, so I would knock the wall down that separates them and D10 would have a big room. Not much closets, and I would have to run the laundry hookups in the house, because they are in the basement which you can only get to from outside and that's not happening. With these fixes though, this house would be perfect for us. The location is so good for D10 to take the bus herself and get home. They already moved to FL, so they need to sell. We are going to ask $30k under asking probably given what needs to be done. My dad and stepmom are staying over and are going to meet the agent in the morning and see the house together. I even met the neighbor who gave some inside info.

I hope this is the one. I hope things are turning around a bit.

Any advice on how to handle this thing with band guy is welcomed. I don't want to become an idiot who ends up in the same place again, I also don't want to play games. I felt like something wasn't done with us, and I guess I was right. But part of me wonders if she just misses having company or he actually missed me. When we are together we really are awesome together. He was right about that. It's natural and really nice.

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Today would have been my 14th Wedding anniversary! Ha!

I made it a measly 4 years. Hey, the last 10 could have been absolutely miserable, right?

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G......I think you need to decide if you want to pursue him or not. He went dark on you, NC, and you moved closer. Now, he probably didn't do it intentionally but it had a desired effect. It kind of stinks that you are already having to think this way after only knowing him a short period of time.

My inclination is to say let him pursue you.

Well you would have never met BA right? Yes......it could have been miserable!


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Aw, crap! He pulled the distancing on me! Ugh, it did work! I was oblivious to it.

Hmmmm. Now this is interesting. I do think he is distancing again. but I am not biting. He knows where to find me, knows where I stand. But he is away in Bumf@ck PA which is good.

although thinking this over..... So, I left my undies at his house that night. Couldn't find them in the moment and he offered to drop them off to me, and I told him I have plenty, just toss them. He never did. He washed them and brought them to me. I think he kind of knew he was going to see me again.

There is a long story behind this, but the day after it all happened when he broke a record by doing something 21 times. . We laugh because we had our first date on what we like to call his 2nd 21st birthday. And we refer to it as new beginnings and talk about it. He said that's why he chose the number.

I don't know what the deal is, but he is going to have to pursue me now. But I think he might have been playing the going dark NC thing with me, you are right. beat at my own game..... Ugh.

I am putting an offer in on my house. Fingers crossed!

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G - Woman are natural pursuers........I just think if it is meant to be it is meant to be. Unless the dude is fuching stupid he knows you are into him. IMO the ball is in his court.


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Originally Posted by Joseph9
G - Woman are natural pursuers.........


Huh? I Guess I could just say pretty much all blanket statements can't be backed up but, I'll still ask, just what do you base this on? Why do you say women are natural pursuers? I mean just going with evolution, it is the men that hunt and gather - and yes also often pursue. This millennial generation I guess it could be argued has many more women pursue than men but otherwise, it's far more common for men to pursue women than the reverse. Just look at your own life recently, it's YOU perusing women not the other way around but still, I'm interested to hear your basis for this statement.


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DH - I think that women need connection and conversation, etc. more than men do and while a man might initially pursue once the woman's emotions are engaged she will want to connect especially after sex and then I think they can become the aggressor.


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I don't know, I think you are confusing pursuit with nurturing. I'd say women are far more natural nurturers rather than pursuers. They nurture the R after THEY have been pursued.


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ok.......cool, well hopefully I get nurtured smile


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I agree with J9. I do think women are pursuers. I see nurturing as a wholly different animal. I can only speak for myself, but I know when I'm interested in someone, I just cannot be subtle about it, even when I'm pep-talking myself and telling myself repeatedly to play it cool. I always thought I was in the minority on that, but other male friends who are back in the dating world are confirming that I am not in the minority. From a woman's perspective, I think it may be more about finding that one who checks the most boxes, so to speak and you can't just sit around and wait for that person to be dropped in your lap. Or at least, that is what it is for me and I can really only speak for myself.


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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Aw, crap! He pulled the distancing on me! Ugh, it did work! I was oblivious to it.

Hmmmm. Now this is interesting. I do think he is distancing again. but I am not biting. He knows where to find me, knows where I stand. But he is away in Bumf@ck PA which is good.

although thinking this over..... So, I left my undies at his house that night. Couldn't find them in the moment and he offered to drop them off to me, and I told him I have plenty, just toss them. He never did. He washed them and brought them to me. I think he kind of knew he was going to see me again.

There is a long story behind this, but the day after it all happened when he broke a record by doing something 21 times. . We laugh because we had our first date on what we like to call his 2nd 21st birthday. And we refer to it as new beginnings and talk about it. He said that's why he chose the number.

I don't know what the deal is, but he is going to have to pursue me now. But I think he might have been playing the going dark NC thing with me, you are right. beat at my own game..... Ugh.

I am putting an offer in on my house. Fingers crossed!


Good luck on the house thing! Fingers crossed for you.

After reading your posts about band dude (I'm assuming that is who you are talking about, right????), I find myself wondering why you are keeping that door open. I mean, I get that y'all hit it off, had a connection so to speak, but he does seem to have a few issues that he needs to work through before he is ready to be all in with someone and that isn't fair to kind of dangle you on the line while he does that. I mean, if you WANT to be dangled, that is one thing, but if you don't, I think you are going to have to break away from him then if he comes back later, once he has his crap together, you can decide then if it is something you want to delve into. I do understand your wanting to have an actual face to face talk with him to get some closure, but is that all you really want or do you want to give him another go? That's a rhetorical question, by the way....don't feel like I'm demanding a response, because I'm most certainly not.

You're a wonderful woman with a lot to offer. I truly do hope you find someone who deserves you.


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Hmmmmmm

I believe women initiate and the guy either goes for it or not. My experience is that many guys haven't got a clue, you almost have to go up to them with a parade and a banner before they notice.

FFS what is wrong with saying let's go on a date? Here is my number?

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Dawn, you are very correct in asking what you have. Why have the door open? I really don't know. Something felt.....unfinished. But he clearly does need to deal with his issues, else he couldn't have a healthy R with me. I did need to actually talk to him about this stuff in person if he makes the move to see me again. What's important to me is that he isn't using me as a place of comfort until something else comes along. I cannot live with that again. I do not want to be that person. And I am going to make it very clear and I really don't care if that scares him away. But it has to be said. And if it freaks him out, buh-bye.

As for us women being natural pursuers, I believe we are. Women get stuff done. Usually when we know what we want, we go for it. I think men follow the pursuers lead and do the manly pursuer. V is right..... men usually don't get the clue.

I am an absolute natural nurturer. I am a mother and nurse. It's what we do. I might be too much with it. It's where I become the nice girl wanting to save these men. if I can just "love" them enough..... Working on that.

I was reading a book "when men love b!tches" It's a real phenomenon.

Right now the thing that is on the fore front of my mind is this house. Waiting to hear if the offer was accepted. I am do distracted and on edge because of it. I NEED this to workout.

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I think it is absolutely natural for women to be nurturers. But, I don't think pursuing and nurturing are the same thing and I don't think J9 was confusing. I think he was dead on. For those of us women who are pursuers, I think we see the difference. I don't mean to suggest that women have split personalities, but the pursuing side of me is extremely different from the nurturing side of me. I would guess it is with most other women as well. I have an extremely nurturing side that is brought out by those that are nearest and dearest to me. I'm very mother hen-ish with those that I'm most loving and loyal to. I think that is a woman's natural inclination.


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Originally Posted by Vanilla
Hmmmmmm

I believe women initiate and the guy either goes for it or not. My experience is that many guys haven't got a clue, you almost have to go up to them with a parade and a banner before they notice.

FFS what is wrong with saying let's go on a date? Here is my number?

V
I am a guy and I support this message laugh

This is why I've gone on dates with CL along with the lady I had a date with last year. They asked me / made it very apparent that they wanted to spend time with me.

Especially (IMO) in this day and age, guys are stupid. And especially if they want to be careful to not offend, they are extra extra dense. I've had women who seem to be really into me, who seem to have the body language of it, who then tell me about their boyfriend. Because of my crazy work schedule, most women I meet are also colleagues which adds another layer of my feeling a need to be on "good behaviour".

On the other hand of the four women in my past who have aggressively pursued me, three of them ended up going through the classic narcissistic cycle of love-bomb / devalue / discard. The only one who didn't dumped me when I made a pass at her sister (hey - I was 21). One of them I was married to for more than half my life. Because of this I personally am a bit gun-shy of a woman who comes on "too" strong - but I think most guys would be thrilled. I know I was at the beginning of each of these relationships and only in hind-sight and a lot of reading do I see it as a danger sign.


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Women are emotional pursures and men are sexual pursuers.

Read this

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574


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Well, another one bites the dust.

I was doing lots of thinking today, and I needed to know if BG's feelings really changed or I was just a matter of boredom on Saturday night. SO I was honest with him, kind of knowing what the answer would be, but needing to hear it. I'll try to make it short. I told him that I enjoyed my time with him and I feel like we click on many levels and if he would truly like to see where this goes, I am on board, but if all I am is someone to fill his time until he finds someone better, I couldn't be that person.

He replied that he felt like we did click on so many levels and that he does enjoy spending time with me. But something doesn't feel right for a long term relationship, which is what he wants (punch in the gut, like a really strong punch in the gut, and I have strong abs, lol). I got rejected because the person DOES actually want a LTR. And something isn't right about me. Yet, he says in the same breath how great we get along, what a wonderful person and mother he thinks I am....it ended nicely. I told him thank you for being honest and not stringing me along. That I don't want something forced, I want to be chosen, everyday. He also told me he never intended for us to kiss and "stuff" Saturday. But he couldn't resist???

I gotta say though, I wish I knew what it was about me. Why I am never the one? What is just not right for these guys? So I can fix it. I think I am excellent long term material. I am not closed off. I am open to receiving and I am very giving. When we are together we are great. I didn't even feel like anything was missing. So, this time, it is truly unbalanced. I am stumped. I just want to fix whatever the men in my life has seen as broken.

I also cannot go through the rejection again. My heart can't take this over and over again anymore. It was a rough rejection to go through on the what would have been my 14th wedding anniversary. I barely made it 4 years married, and I have been rejected by any guy I cared about since then.

I am having a pity party. I am in a whole lot of pain right now. I asked for it though.

Well, hopefully my house offer doesn't get rejected too. I can't take anymore, lol.

Seriously guys, I don't know what to do. How do I make this stop? The only way I can think of is never dating again.

I deleted his number. I won't be doing anything stupid.

Thanks for listening. I've got a big day tomorrow, I should get to bed. I start crossfit tomorrow. Hopefully my offer gets accepted. I think I am ready to take control of my body and weight. I think I have kind of lost control in every area of my life lately. Maybe I can start here. Just get into some bad ass shape. Maybe it will help my self-esteem, which is kind of non-existent right now.

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If you want band guy to step up to the plate you need to set the bar higher. If he can just stop by last minute with drinks and get a make out session that lasts until 5 a.m., there IS a very real possibility that he'll conitinue to see you "for comfort" (or sex) even if he's not really interested in a relationship. Set the bar higher - he has to make a date at least one day in advance (preferably more), has to take you OUT on a date (no Netflix and chill), has to put some EFFORT in. If he's not willing then he's not sufficiently interested. But setting that bar higher will help you weed out the guys who are just taking advantage of the low hanging fruit from the guys who are genuinely interested and willing to put some effort into wooing you.

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Sending you another big hug ((((G))))

I don't have any fixes for you and TBH don't really agree with trying to fix someone else. You are who you are and being someone else to please another isn't something I believe in. I know that many here are brimming with suggestions especially for the newbies on them making changes to who they are to be more attractive - which as you will undoubtedly remember didn't work well on me - I remain unattractive to you and undoubtedly others who have tried to fix me here laugh

Taking a short break from dating is perhaps a good idea to allow you to find your centre. Are you still seeing an IC?

The only suggestion I might have, and this is more to protect you and your heart is to go slower. I know that you tend to go "all in" when you are interested in someone. Perhaps if old Uncle AP can offer one piece of advice, is to set one week (yes week) between letting a guy move from one base to another. If they are interested in you instead of just your curves, they'll be willing to wait. If you find yourself wanting to rush or feeling that you are being rushed, just think of me sitting on your shoulder looking sad. If that doesn't kill the mood then nothing will laugh

Oh - and look for guys who wear bow ties. We're a special breed.


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Originally Posted by kml
If you want band guy to step up to the plate you need to set the bar higher. If he can just stop by last minute with drinks and get a make out session that lasts until 5 a.m., there IS a very real possibility that he'll conitinue to see you "for comfort" (or sex) even if he's not really interested in a relationship. Set the bar higher - he has to make a date at least one day in advance (preferably more), has to take you OUT on a date (no Netflix and chill), has to put some EFFORT in. If he's not willing then he's not sufficiently interested. But setting that bar higher will help you weed out the guys who are just taking advantage of the low hanging fruit from the guys who are genuinely interested and willing to put some effort into wooing you.


He's not going to step up to the plate. It's over. he wants a LTR and he says "something doesn't seem right" about a LTR with me. Which boggles me, because everything he says he likes about me points to a perfect LTR partner. But something in me is missing for him. So I will never ever see him again. We are done, he is gone, I am gone. Dawn was exactly right. I should have never entertained him again. I thought maybe something had changed. Nope, he just wanted to hang out because his other plans got cancelled. Instead, like an idiot I set myself up for rejection 2 times in one week by the same guy. I am such an idiot.

They either want no LTR, or no LTR with ME. I guess I am good for company, laughs, and fooling around. And that's my own fault, maybe that is the way I come off. I will set the standard higher. But I don't even plan to date. My heart can't take the rejection anymore and I am sinking into depression.

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Hi Ginger. I´m really busy at work here but I feel the urgency of giving you a really big big hug and a very big umbrella for the kick in the a*** rain that I consider sending you to destroy the pity party. With all my respect of course.

You don´t have to fix anything just to please a guy. As kml says, you set the bar higher. Just keep the moving forward attitude and protect yourself. It all takes time Ginger... but it comes. Be proud of where you are and the journey that you have already made.

(((G)))


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Sorry G.....I don't know what to say. Just don't give up on your search for love.


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M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
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Sorry G.... keep your head up!

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I know you know this, but rejection is not about who you are as a person. Just like our ex's rejecting us. A lot of rejection comes from whats going on in the person doing the rejection. BG was pretty honest and did not string you along. Thats a good thing. Try not to take it personally.

What will protect you in the future from the pain with dating is not attaching early. Keep the dates simple. You need to be the one to limit it. Try a formula. Just as an experiment.

1st date, a cup of cofee

.2nd date no more then 2 hours. Put a time limit it. Schedule it before you have to pick up your daughter so you have a reasonable excuse and no way to extend it. Goal is to end it eoth eqch of you wanting more.

Wait a week between each date. This way you both get time to know whether you want to invest.

No making out till 4th date. Regardless of initial chemistry which might not be real of you dont know each other yet. You can still flirt and maybe short kiss goodnight.

You are forming pseudo orelatuonships with guys you dont really know and thats not healthy and will lead to this type of pain. Make dating less emotional and more light in the beginning anyway and see what happens.


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Originally Posted by Ginger1


He's not going to step up to the plate. It's over. he wants a LTR and he says "something doesn't seem right" about a LTR with me. Which boggles me, because everything he says he likes about me points to a perfect LTR partner. But something in me is missing for him. So I will never ever see him again. We are done, he is gone, I am gone. Dawn was exactly right. I should have never entertained him again. I thought maybe something had changed. Nope, he just wanted to hang out because his other plans got cancelled. Instead, like an idiot I set myself up for rejection 2 times in one week by the same guy. I am such an idiot.

They either want no LTR, or no LTR with ME. I guess I am good for company, laughs, and fooling around. And that's my own fault, maybe that is the way I come off. I will set the standard higher. But I don't even plan to date. My heart can't take the rejection anymore and I am sinking into depression.


First of all, G....big, BIG hugs to you, dear lady. But even more importantly than the big hugs, I say this with all the love and respect I can possibly muster because you know I think you are fabulous, STOP the negative talk right now!!!!! You are NOT an idiot. You just are not. Does the situation freaking blow chunks? Absolutely it does and I think everyone on this board feels bad for you (not that you are asking for us to, but just as people with feelings and empathizing with someone who is down). But, talking yourself down is NOT helping the situation at all. You are internalizing and placing all the blame on yourself in situations where not all the blame should lie at your feet. I'm all for taking responsibility, so absolutely you should shoulder your SHARE of the blame, but in absolutely NO WAY is this whole band guy thing ALL on you.

Here's the thing, G: you ARE a wonderful woman, a great catch. We all see it. I think you even see it. The men on this board have even said it to you. You just have to hold out for the one who actually DESERVES to catch you. Listen, I totally get where you are. I totally feel your pain more than you even know because I have ALWAYS been the bridesmaid and never the bride, so to speak. Guys seem to want to hang out with me and have fun with me, I'm a great listener, a good friend, I'm awesome....I've heard it ALL before, just like I'm sure you have. But when it comes to seriously dating or settling into something more serious, they are all about looking at everyone but me. I've been dancing this dance for 30 d@mn years with college guy, so please trust me when I say I TOTALLY get where you are coming from and understand, maybe more than some others do. It freaking sux a$$ in the biggest way possible. BUT, it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. It means that you have a habit of choosing the same type of man who is, for whatever reason, not emotionally ready for a relationship with a woman who is so strong and confident in herself like you are. I would venture to guess that men like band guy, who is still not even sure of his own crap, are intimidated by a woman who is so put together like you are. It is a double-edged sword, G. Men say they want these strong, confident, independent women, but deep down, men want to be the protectors, the big manly men who rescue and take care and fix things and for women like you, that can be a harder role for them to fill. You handle yourself, G. You handle ALL your business and you do it with grace and style. I'm not trying to lump all men together here, but I would bet that your handling your own sh!t might well be intimidating to some men. I may be WAY off base here, but from my outside observation, you seem to choose men who are more traditionally minded in their thoughts on male/female roles. I see you with someone who is more into equality in relationships rather than someone who is seeking a "little woman" who can clean his house and cook for him and all that sort of stuff (metaphorically speaking). Does that make sense? Band guy seems to be a traditionalist...looking for a settle down wife and family. I'm not saying you aren't looking for a settle down family life, but you aren't looking to be June Cleaver. You are looking to be a modern woman with a husband and a family. Maybe the guys you have really been into are looking for June Cleaver when you should really be looking for guys who want a far more updated relationship. I don't know if I'm making sense at all or just sound like a rambling crazy person at this point, but my heart is literally breaking for you that you are taking all of this so hard and that you are so clearly blaming yourself for the entire situation. Like I said before, I am all about owning your own responsibility, but in this case, I don't think all of the responsibility lies on you alone.

Please, please, PLEASE....I beg of you to stop beating yourself up. Try just taking a break from dating for a bit. Focus on D10 and her new school year, focus on finding new housing whether it be this new house you have put an offer on or whatever, focus on YOU and working out and spending time with your friends. I guess the short version of all that would be GAL. Isn't that exactly what DB advocates? GAL? You got this, G, really you do. You are just going through a rough patch, but girl, you are due for some goodness and light and I promise it is coming your way.


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Originally Posted by AndrewP
Sending you another big hug ((((G))))

I don't have any fixes for you and TBH don't really agree with trying to fix someone else. You are who you are and being someone else to please another isn't something I believe in. I know that many here are brimming with suggestions especially for the newbies on them making changes to who they are to be more attractive - which as you will undoubtedly remember didn't work well on me - I remain unattractive to you and undoubtedly others who have tried to fix me here laugh

Taking a short break from dating is perhaps a good idea to allow you to find your centre. Are you still seeing an IC?

The only suggestion I might have, and this is more to protect you and your heart is to go slower. I know that you tend to go "all in" when you are interested in someone. Perhaps if old Uncle AP can offer one piece of advice, is to set one week (yes week) between letting a guy move from one base to another. If they are interested in you instead of just your curves, they'll be willing to wait. If you find yourself wanting to rush or feeling that you are being rushed, just think of me sitting on your shoulder looking sad. If that doesn't kill the mood then nothing will laugh

Oh - and look for guys who wear bow ties. We're a special breed.



I have actually been fixing myself for so many years. There was definitely room for improvement in people always. But I actually don't think I am broken, but everyone else seems to view me that way! I just seem to be the common denominator.

I think a part of it all is my sexuality. I have had married men/friends come out of the woodwork after my D and tell me how they wished their wives were more like me, would have totally had an affair with me, definitely tried very hard to (and I am talking good looking professional family men), but any of those men would have never chosen me over their wives. I am viewed as this unicorn of sorts by them, but with the title of that unicorn, I am not a reality most can handle. Just so you know, I never did anything with these men. They are still with their wives. Happy little families.

Bottom line is I want to be taken seriously as a partner, woman, mother. because I know my sexuality is a small part of me. A part that hasn't even been there for a good portion of my life. But I guess I am presenting myself as "easy" and an "easy" catch. You all are correct. Guys have got to start working for it. I am too "easy" and not only in the sexual sense. The though of even letting a guy kiss me right now actually scares the crap out of me. I can't get close again. I am actually just turned off all together.

It's time to close it up, build walls, and be very selective who I let in, if I decide to even entertain a man again.I have been seeing the same IC for years. She thinks I am a catch, lol. But I do tend to pursue too much, and more need to come for me.

Andrew, I do NOT find you unattractive, and I am sorry if I ever made you feel that way. I think you are a great catch. Considerate, loyal and faithful. It's a rarity to find those traits in someone. And they are attractive traits.

I need a hobby. I guess my workouts will be my hobby again. I need to socialize. I am hoping my new home becomes my hobby for a while.

I have great friends, solid friends, long lasting relationships. They think I am R worthy:)

I actually wrote this before I saw all your responses, I just got to submit it now.

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G - I would only suggest that maybe you do a better job of vetting your potential candidates. While I am only familiar with HC and BA I think you had concerns about them from the start.....red flags.

On the topic of sex......ultimately it is your decision. If I pressed the issue with BL she probably would have caved on Sunday but to me that was not right nor being a gentleman. The right guy will respect you, respect himself, and IMO be able to restrain himself until the time is right. It was hard as h$ll to walk out that door but for me restraining was holding true to my value as a man.

Hang in there G!


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I can't being to tell you all much I appreciate all the hugs. I just keep feeling so defeated and defective.

I agree, move slower. If I am going to move again. A large part of me says give up on this quest for love. It's failed miserable for 38 years of my life. My ex husband/father of my child didn't even love me. I have been left nothing but hurt.

Dawn, I read your post over and over and I cried. I can see you really understand where I am coming from. This guy told me, I am amazing, unique, giving, a great mother, person, generous and a hard worker, he gets along with me better than his beloved exW and we make a great team and click on so many levels. But SOMETHING doesn't feel right for a LTR? I am baffled, unless he was just BSing me with everything else. Maybe he does need someone more traditional. I think he might need that damsel in distress kind of woman. He also told me some weird things along the line. Like before he met his exW he thought he would only marry someone who was a music teacher, and something else, I can't remember. he said she didn't check his boxes, but she asked out (dating site) and they married. The long term GF had what he wanted, but had issues. I know I am being so hard on myself, but it seems like it's something wrong with me. because this is kind of repeated, but maybe it is that I keep meeting these kinds of guys. he seemed so right one paper.

The truth is, part of me would like to go a little more traditional. It's never been an option for me. Can't do that when you are raising a child alone. I actually really wish I could be with the kind of guy who wants to take care of me, even though I can take care of myself. Maybe that's why I go for these types?

Dawn, I think one of the toughest parts is when you get to a place knowing that you are indeed a catch but the people you want to be with, don't. It messes up the hard work in your head, though. All this DB work for so many years and I think I have made myself into a good, love partner. For the long haul.

I am just rambling now. I am just so sad. This rejection hurt. Another season I am going into alone. As usual, I will GAL to the best of my ability, focus on this house business (which I should get a call about any min) D10's school year, her cheerleading (I hate weekend games. every season I hope I can bring a special someone who can come watch with me as I sit with the ex and OW) And my health and fitness.

This week there is a young social worker from the hospital covering the b!tch one that I hate and is on vacation. She is awesome, we clicked right away and she has been fun to work with. I realize this environment isn't the right one for me either. I need to be around younger people and lots of them. I sit in my office here..... see my patient's..... that's about it. She told me to come on over to the main hospital...... something I might consider when I put my 6 months in here and I can transfer again.

I just don't want to feel alone and in pain anymore, ya know? I pray something just simply works out.

Thanks all for the support and the listening to my rambling, because I am a mess.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1


Dawn, I read your post over and over and I cried. I can see you really understand where I am coming from. This guy told me, I am amazing, unique, giving, a great mother, person, generous and a hard worker, he gets along with me better than his beloved exW and we make a great team and click on so many levels. But SOMETHING doesn't feel right for a LTR? I am baffled, unless he was just BSing me with everything else. Maybe he does need someone more traditional. I think he might need that damsel in distress kind of woman. He also told me some weird things along the line. Like before he met his exW he thought he would only marry someone who was a music teacher, and something else, I can't remember. he said she didn't check his boxes, but she asked out (dating site) and they married. The long term GF had what he wanted, but had issues. I know I am being so hard on myself, but it seems like it's something wrong with me. because this is kind of repeated, but maybe it is that I keep meeting these kinds of guys. he seemed so right one paper.

The truth is, part of me would like to go a little more traditional. It's never been an option for me. Can't do that when you are raising a child alone. I actually really wish I could be with the kind of guy who wants to take care of me, even though I can take care of myself. Maybe that's why I go for these types?

Dawn, I think one of the toughest parts is when you get to a place knowing that you are indeed a catch but the people you want to be with, don't. It messes up the hard work in your head, though. All this DB work for so many years and I think I have made myself into a good, love partner. For the long haul.



((((((((((((((((((((G))))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry. I absolutely did not mean to make you cry. I was truly just trying to let you know you are not alone. I so wish we could have a personal conversation so this didn't seem so totally impersonal, but I really, honestly, truly understand where you are coming from down to the depths of my soul. In every aspect, I totally and completely get it. I think in a lot of ways our lives and experiences parallel each other. I married older than you did, but when I did marry, I settled and as is typical, settling never ultimately works out. Forgive me for talking about myself here, but I'm trying to let you know that I really and truly do understand. My XH checked some but not all boxes and I have only met one person in my life that checks all of my boxes.

I even get what you mean about wanting to go more traditional. I have always been super independent and handled my own stuff. I even told my XH on more than one occasion that I was sometimes rather selfish because I had always had to take care of myself. I have never truly had a relationship where I was taken care of. And, even with XH, though he tried to take care of me in the beginning, his string of bad health issues left me in the caretaker seat yet again. Even now, with Sparky, I find myself always being the one who does the little things for him. But I digress. I really do totally understand where you are coming from and the pain you are experiencing.

I even understand what you mean about knowing you're a catch but people you want to be with don't and then it screws with you. I could tell you a really long story here and hopefully some day we will get the chance to have a private conversation so I can share a story with you that will illustrate my complete understanding of all of this. I am a little older than you, so I think the difference for me is that I have the advantage of that whole age = wisdom thing going for me. I also have developed an "I really don't give a sh!t" attitude when it comes to men. I am honestly a pretty introverted person by nature so I'm ok with alone. Would I like to be married again? Some days I think yes and some days I think not just no, but H3LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL no. Again, sorry for talking about me, but I'm really working hard to give you some hope here. I feel so bad for you and where you are right now but I KNOW for a fact it gets better because I have lived through it. My heart breaks for you that you are feeling so broken and defeated but I have been there and I know the pain it brings. My hope for you is that you find your way soon and realize that there is "life out there". Hang in there, sweet lady. I assure you things WILL get better.


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Dawn, you did not make me cry! I cried because sometimes people just don't really understand how you are feeling, and you actually understand exactly why I feel as I do. And I am sorry you ever have to feel this way too. I'm glad you talked about you, because I can relate. I've lived my life the same way. My ex was a douche who controlled things, but he wanted me to do all the work. I am always the ones to do the little things in R's. I would love for someone to do the little things for me. To make some decisions and take control. Because I am strong, independent, and oh so tired. My soul is tired.

This one threw me for a loop. And I feel kind of scarred by him telling me "something doesn't feel right for a LTR"

I think I would rather him tell me everything about me that isn't right for one, than list everything about me that makes a good one. I feel like being a mean B who uses people, because if I can be who I am and still not be material, might as well deserve the honor of mot being LTR material.

I've ruminated about that too much. I should stop that now.

I hope for the right guy, the good stuff about me will be stuff he is excited for everyday. That he sees me as great for the long run.

I wish we could talk, Dawn. some people know where to find me.

I can't express how much it means to me you understanding where I am coming from and my pain.

The pain is real. It's almost physical. I hope it does get better.

I am going to have some answers on the house around 5pm. I need some good news.

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Ginger,

You are truly a good person. I've learned a lot about who you are from here and also on FB. I may be wrong, but I thik you try to darn hard to be a people pleaser and in the end, the people you are trying to please end up saying/doing things that cause you pain and hurt. It's time for Ginger to think of herself and do the things that will please Ginger the most.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you get some answers on the house. It's time Ginger got some good news. Think positive!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by job
Ginger,

You are truly a good person. I've learned a lot about who you are from here and also on FB. I may be wrong, but I thik you try to darn hard to be a people pleaser and in the end, the people you are trying to please end up saying/doing things that cause you pain and hurt. It's time for Ginger to think of herself and do the things that will please Ginger the most.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you get some answers on the house. It's time Ginger got some good news. Think positive!


That means so much Job. And you are 100% right. I am a big time people pleaser. It comes from trying to get my mom to pay attention to me and a an ex-husband who I could never be good enough for. Working on it, I really am.

As I told Don last night. I am seriously tapped out. I have nothing to give right now. What I have is reserved for my child, really. And maybe me a little bit. I am so sick of not being good enough for anyone. It is making me exhausted and not able to give.

I have replayed about a million times in my head everything with BG. I know when someone isn't in to me emotionally. EX: HC. not into me emotionally at all. But BG definitely was. Something with me not being right for long term really ahs to do with something in him.

Anyways. first, my friend and I had our intro crossfit class and it was awesome. My knee was doing great with squats, the owner/instructor is awesome and so friendly. I have a feeling I will definitely make new friends at this place. Cute guys definitely, as we left, my friend said "you might want to hold off on the OLD and see what this place has to offer you" Although I have nothing to give anyone for a while, maybe, you never know.

Onto the big news. They counter-offered, we counter offered and they accepted! I AM UNDER CONTRACT AGAIN!! Let's pray this is a smooth process! The hiccup is, the only help I have with moving and stuff will be in Europe with week I move and close (my dad and stempm) and I am supposed to be watching their dog while I am in between two home. Nothing goes without a challenge. But I will handle it all. The contractors, the movers, everything.

I may actually own a HOUSE. I can't believe it. I hope it all works out this time.

For years, I had hoped my knight in shining armour would come along, we would move in together and blend our families. I always had not wanted to buy hoping this would happen. It never did. So now it's time to take the bull by the horns and make a life for us. Me, D10, and our new dog. Because she is obsessed with getting a dog. It is what our family needs, no doubt.

Buying a house on my own is the one thing I didn't think I would accomplish as a parent without a partner. But I am hopefully going to . I'm proud of me.

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Congrats G! That should give you a big boost of confidence!!


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YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Congrats on the new house. Such exciting news. Focus on that for awhile and get your and D10 settled into your new home and new life. It is a fresh start for both of you and a much-needed respite from all the crap that has been heaped on you lately. I'm beyond thrilled for you.

Be your own knight in shining armor, lady.....you don't need a man, you got this!


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I am so happy that they accepted your offer. Once you are given the green light, line up some of those friends from the gym and other activities and it won't take no time to get you moved. Don't by shy...ask people to help. Have some food and drinks on hand and the help will come right along. You can do this!

Keeping my fingers crossed that everything will go as planned and you will be in your new home in no time.


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Thank everyone! I am so incredibly excited, but I am trying to tamp down my excitement a bit because we all know if the odds of it going wrong are slim to none, it will go wrong for me. I am feeling hopeful on this one and we hope to quickly get out of attorney review tomorrow and roll this ball as fast we can. D10 was too excited and told her bestie she was going to be living in her backyard, hahaha!

Bragging Alert******* in a years time, I had 2 surgeries, advanced my degree, got a new job, and will have bought a house. All on my own. That is pretty darn impressive. If my only failure is in the area of dating, well, then so be it, as this stuff is so much more important. I kick butt and if no guy can see the value in that, they aren't worthy of me.

I finally had an epiphany last night. HC and I have been inviting eachother back and forth out for drinks and either he had work or I had plans. Last night I was going out with my friends when he said he was getting home earlier from the city than he anticipated and he wanted to take me up on my offer. I talked to my friend about it and she said invite him out with us, but don't go running to him later. I was ready to see him after. Why?!? I am so freakin' accommodating to every guy in my life (actually everyone in general, but I know who is equally accommodating) and I come off looking like a real tool. He was actually going to come meet us, but when he got home he said there was a leak in his apartment and his rug was soaked. So I believe him? I dunno.

I have to be done with this. I have to stop being so available and accommodating. It really makes me look like a desperate backhole (yesterday I heard the new terms fronthole and backhole, so now I am using them). Someone for once can accommodate me and really make an effort for me if they are that interested. I am just so done with this. I need to find my lady balls and stop this crap.

In other news, I am absolutely loving crossfit, although I am so sore I can barely walk. But what a great workout and great place and great people. So much fun. I always thought it was the least safe workout, but it is actually the most safe as long as you aren't stupid. It emphasizes form, which is most important for preventing injuries. I look forward to dropping some body fat, beating personal records and getting some definition. I feel like I am working towards something again. I want to be a strong, healthy, hottie with a body. I look forward to some of their outside fitness events along with their potluck at the end of September. Can't wait to meet the other guys that attend, ya know what I mean?

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Nice G... you sound in good spirits today! Awesome on the CrossFit..... I think exercise always helps! I’m sure you will meet interesting folks there. I was thinking of joining just to meet people, but cross fit isn’t exactly my type of exercise. I like to the hit the weights in a focused manner.

Oh.... interesting excuse from HC. It might be the sisnter nature in me but I never believe anyone’s excuse. I don’t dwell on it either though. Either they come or don’t.

Have a great weekend!

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Originally Posted by Ginger1


Bragging Alert******* in a years time, I had 2 surgeries, advanced my degree, got a new job, and will have bought a house. All on my own. That is pretty darn impressive. If my only failure is in the area of dating, well, then so be it, as this stuff is so much more important. I kick butt and if no guy can see the value in that, they aren't worthy of me.



THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS RIGHT HERE is what I'm talking about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is NOT bragging, lady. You need to OWN THIS! You are amazing and it is about time YOU see that. Who gives a d@mn if anyone else does or not, because sister, WE ALL SEE IT, but YOU need to see it. And, not only do you need to see it, but you need to BELIEVE it. I tell you all the time, you got this. And, you do!

I'm so excited for you that the house thing is going your way and that you enjoyed your crossfit experience and seem to have goals related to that. I'm thrilled beyond belief that you recognize your own awesomeness.

Let go of the past and look toward the future. Honey, your future is SO bright and hopefully you are really, truly starting to see your value. Don't just say you know you are worthy because it is what we want to hear, BELIEVE that you are worthy. You do not need a man to validate your worthiness.

If I may offer one more thing that many may disagree with...let go of HC. Really let go. Stop inviting, accepting invitations, whatever. He's gone and you need to move on. Don't keep stepping back in. You say that you are too accommodating and you seem to realize that, so stop doing it. Yes, I know, easier said than done. I totally get it. Been there, done that, got the ugly scars and nasty emotional memories to prove it, but lady, you are SO much better and more deserving. He's NOT going to magically transform into what you want him to just because you are there, hanging out, in his face, waiting around for him to change. You aren't saying that is what you are doing, but I've played this game myself too many times to not recognize it. You think if you leave that door open just enough that he'll stroll back through it a changed man and realize what was right in front of him. The men on this board have said many times, men don't pick up subtle hints, for the most part (of course, I'd argue that women don't really either, when men toss them out, but whatever.............). He's not the one, G. He's just not. And, you know what, you DESERVE to find the one that does exactly what you described in your post....accommodates you, goes out of his way for you, puts you first. Please hold out for that and don't settle.


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Congrats G! That is awesome!! As far as HC goes I think you need to stay true to your values. You want a R and he does not have the capacity to give you one. IMO end of story.

I know you enjoyed the sex but I don't think you could do it without getting emotionally sucked back in or doing it with no expectations.


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Thank you thank you!

My PMA is much better today, things are beginning to look a lot brighter and some of the unknown becoming less is helping my anxiety a bit. I think the exercise and commitment to something has done well for me too. I am feeling like my old self before my injury. That injury knocked me for a loop when my main way of self-medicating was exercise. Being able to do most of what I used to has helped.

I agree, HC is not the one. I don't even know what it is. I don't miss him, don't really care one way or not if I see him and I know he is for sure not the one for me. I am not interested in him as an R. I think he would be way too high maintenance too. I am going to forget him. I really just thought it would fun to have another friend who I can get out of the house with. I consider myself as having zero men in my life now. I am not entertaining anyone, nor have I even been looking. It's not the right time for me.

My PMA got a little deflated this morning. My job. I keep moving from one mess to another. Something very fishy is going on here. There are definitely spy's planted from the company taking us over, people are trying to do my job who do not. I got a work email this morning which I know was orchestrated by someone I cannot stand which was telling me how to do my job, which I already was doing. The Dr. I work with got very p!ssed at this email and told me I was way too nice in response. He stood up for me and for us, because it was something we have been working on.

Then my counterpart who has been here forever knows something bad is happening. She told me when she hired me I was the only one she interviewed and she hired me because I would take the job and there was no point in interviewing anyone else to come into this horrible mess. she said she wanted to tell me in the interview what kind of situation there was here but she couldn't. I didn't even get my job on my merit. I got sucked in because I was the only fool into a bad situation.

I will take away a positive though. I finally broke into case management, even if it was under false pretenses. I am learning, and I am opening up to more opportunity. I may have been duped, set up to fail and knowingly been put into a bad situation, but I will make the best of it. My colleague, the one who hired me, is feeling bad because now she knows I am a single mother buying a house and is telling me everything is going on and I need to leave when my 6 months are up. I am going to put in for a transfer at the end of Oct. I made connections at the main hospital. The social worker I made friends with said she will help me get in.

I could really write a book. It's stuff that I can't make up. But I truly hope in the end, my book would have a happy ending.

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G - If you can view him as a friend only with no expectations then I understand your thought process. Could you really do this? Would you be able make your boundaries clear to him or would you always want something more? If you both went out and too many drinks would you be able to resist?


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Originally Posted by Joseph9
G - If you can view him as a friend only with no expectations then I understand your thought process. Could you really do this? Would you be able make your boundaries clear to him or would you always want something more? If you both went out and too many drinks would you be able to resist?


I think that's why I am sort of anxious to see if we could go out and get drinks simply as friends and not do anything else. Truth is, we enjoy the same things, we are both extroverts, and divorcees can really use a friend to hang out with on kid-less nights. In my mind I am currently turned off by him that way, so I think I would be fine, but I guess I am anxious to see if we could truly turn off the sexual part with a few drinks in us. I am a touchy feely type person normally, worse when I have been drinking, so I don't know, honestly. However, really, for me to enjoy sex, there has to be some emotion attached, I have no romantic feelings towards him anymore, and I know he is completely emotionally detached, so I don't think anything would happen. But I truly only have one way of finding out, because I can admit to not being sure.

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I actually get it G.....I wish I had more girlfriends to just hang out with. Maybe you just be honest with him and see what he says.........


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Great news G. Congrats. Enjoy the changes and the GAL!


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Thank you! I am bored at work today and anxiously awaiting to hear I am out of attorney review. I am getting super nervous because I have to hire contractors, supervise the work being done and move without much help. I will have some basic help from people, but I am handling big things I don't know much about. I hope I can handle it all and I don't mess it up. I will be taking a week off of work for the renos moving and closing. My D10's BFF mom (whos backyard I'll be living in) said her BIL is a contractor and she will hook me up. So that's great. We said we are going to build a ladder to connect the houses, haha. The gym was great last night, it's fun learning the new moves. I hurt so bad, but its a good pain. Now if I can stop the crappy inconsistent eating, maybe I would get somewhere. I kind of sacrifice dinner time for the gym, so I eat weird stuff like a random vegetable and an egg. Then I get hungry and have a few chips.

On a different note, kind of a journal. So, my dad and his wife are away with his cousin and wife, and my cousin and her H. in AC at a new posh hotel for a few days which is why I am watching the dog. This is the fake cousin I can't stand. She is pretentious and filthy rich, and it makes me nuts. She is my age, drop dead gorgeous, always been privileged, always screwed up in life, daddy always bailed her out, she met a rich guy and is a SAHM in a mansion with money not being an object at all. Anyways. She was posting pictures of their adventures on FB. jealousy came out. And some resentment. No one invited me. And I know why. Because I am not the other half of a couple. If I was married, I would have been invited. (I also don't have that kind of money for the way these people hang). It stinks watching them all sit by the pool with their fancy drinks, expensive dinners, while I am here watching the dog. WTF? The dog, who by the way, decided to take a crap on the neighbors front door mat and pee on my rug. This morning was fun, lol. My dad isn't on FB, but knew I saw the pictures and tried to say something. I just sent him a picture of his dog. I will admit to some jealousy and resentment. I know, I sound like a spoiled brat. I just remember when it was my dad and stepmom and me and the ex doing these things. We would take the AC trips, go to concerts together, ect. Now I am the odd one out.

Anyways, good things on the horizon. Although I am so exhausted even though I am sleeping. It's got to be an emotional exhaustion. Gym tonight, I have D10 because her dad has plans, and we are going to chill with some Chinese takeout. Then she is with him all next week because he has off of work. She started to freak a little that she would miss me, but I told her one night I would pick her up from cheer practice, we would go for icecream, and I would drive her back to her dads. She feels better now.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Fine fine, I won't corrupt him. he's still one of the good guys left.


What are Mach and I, chopped liver???

smile


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Originally Posted by Drew
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Fine fine, I won't corrupt him. he's still one of the good guys left.


What are Mach and I, chopped liver???

smile


I mean single good guys left!!!! Clarification!!!

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So, today I made a del with my landlord which seems to be very much in my favor. His deal might fall through, so it is contingent on his deal going through. Want to hear the irony of it all? He was selling this house because of my a hole neighbors. The new owners want to occupy my side and decided to keep the neighbors! Funny how things work, huh?

I think things happen for a reason though. My agent went over to the new house with me to take some measurements and estimate the time and costs of the work that needs to be done. He's been very helpful to me throughout this process. I think the house is going to look amazing. I have big long term plans for it that is really going to increase the value. I am really excited about all of this.

On another note. I signed on to POF to help a friend out with some investigative work. I looked at my messages and I saw a guy who messaged me who looked awfully familiar. When I put two and two together I figured out that I did know him. Someone I grew up with was married to him. He is separated from her now. I used to see him like 5-6years ago because his daughter was in my daughter's dance class. I actually thought he was cute, but I knew he was dating the person I knew. They went on to get married and have a baby and their son is 2. I did find out from my friend that she was actually the affair partner in his first marriage. I bet he did it again. I looked at her FB profile and I noticed he was nowhere to be found on it anymore.

Then I looked this morning again and I got the funniest message from this guy, so I responded. He actually told me he had messaged me a few times over the year and I never responded so he decided to mix it up. We ended up talking on the phone and have a date tonight. So Don was right, my no dating didn't last too long. We seem to click and he's taking me out to a really nice place. So, why not, I had no plans except with my PJ's and a bottle of wine. My red flag is he seems to think I am really attractive and really nice and I am afraid he is getting himself too excited. He's ok looking, not hot, but not ugly. I am more for personality than looks, so we will see.

But really, I am so excited and nervous about this house. I told my exH today and he congratulated me. I think he might be a tad jealous. I still don't know why they are living in their dump of an apartment, but I guess it works for them. I just want to give my daughter a nice home.

I'll let you all know how it goes tonight. No expectations, but the menu seems delicious!

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Just remember that Uncle AP is riding on your shoulder wink


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Honey, lovely.

The big red flag is he is an established wayward with a history of cheating. This way lies future pain. Cute guy or not.

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OH mY! NOooooo I did not go out with the serial cheater! Let me clarify that! It was a different guy who had messaged me yesterday who said he had tried to get my attention a few times in the past. I'm crazy, but not that crazy!

Now, last night's date is another story. I got myself in a pickle here.

I had what happened to J9 happen to me! I noticed all this pictures were from an angle where he held the camera over his head facing down. That can make the biggest person look skinny. But I couldn't tell anything form the pics. Aside from that, I wasn't really attracted from the pics, but he seemed like a really nice guy and I figured "why not"

He was about 50lbs heavier than his pictures indicated. ANd aside form that, I just wasn't attracted. He described himself to me as having "dad bod" which I am a fan of. But no. That is not dad bod. I do give him tons of credit, because he is actively losing weight is down 40lbs, but the chemistry wasn't there for me. BUT.... it was for him. ANd is for him. And he did kiss me and was caressing my arms and back all night long and it was awkward for me. I didn't give him the body language I was interested, but I am a nice person, I engaged and was talkative, ect. But yeah, he likes me too much. He sent me a text this morning at 7am "I wanted to be the first person who said good morning and I wanted to tell you how beautiful you are". Yeah, he would probably be the doting boyfriend, but I am just not feeling it. He kind of likes to use his money to impress too.

So, now I have to find out how to let him down easily. I know I don't owe anyone anything, but he has had bad luck in the dating world and I feel bad.

I have since deleted the app. I really can't be dealing with this right now. I have a house to buy, I have to move, I have a lot going on. I can't maintain any sort of R, nor be letting anyone down right now.

Dumb idea to go out. I learned my lesson.

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But interestingly enough..... I haven't seen a single post from the serial cheater's wife. Then yesterday she posted him playing baseball with their son and he was tagged in it. I was sure to like it so he could see it and know I know her. The message he sent me was from 8/8 and he never replied when I said his full name and that I know him.

Maybe they are working it out, hopefully.

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Well [censored] G that [censored].....gonad I am not the only one smile. I also don’t like the 7 am text, IMO it sounds creepy and kind of controlling. Telling him there was no physical attraction seems to work well these days smile


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Congrats on the house..sorry about the guy!

I just dont understand how he would be so physical with someone that he is meeting for the first time. Its not like you were on tinder or a site that is more geared to a one night stand...and even then its not really acceptable.

What type if date did you guys go on? Maybe next tine a casual coffe date or a walk through a public park as opposed to a cocktail or lounge/bar that invites that behavior more easily?

From someone that also has trouble with boundaries and giving too many chances for a nice guy that will dote on me.... just rip that band aide off quickly. Respond to him very quickly
"Thank you for the date. I had a nice time. But i dont really feel the connection. I do wish you the best of luck"


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Ginger

I would have been like you...uncomfortable with the physical touch but trying to be nice and just hinting through body language.

I think i need to work on speaking out more in life. Like what would have happened if you said " why are you massaging me? Your a little fast" And then smiled or laughed. So point was verbally made but in a polite way.

But i struggle too. It takes me a while to go over in my mind if someone elses behavior is out of line or appropriate or just a joke. Its like im not good at standing up for myself in the moment. I dont know how to be different and i worry more about the other person then myself in that moment. And people,not just guys but bosses, and patients, and other parents and teachers can play on that and really exploit. So i really relate to you ginger.

Anyone else, or anyone know books or have suggestions on women and boundaries?


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Juju,

Same right here! I really struggle with boundaries and how to speak up for myself, especially in the moment.

I have a true fear of hurting people. Making them feel bad. I just can't do it. But I think I probably end up hurting them more when I have a hard time speaking the truth.

Once in a blue moon, it's a mutual no connection. But more than not, it is not mutual. I hate that part.

Honestly, I think any success is going to come IRL. Not in online dating. I did have the one IRL date when I went out with the guy I met at the bar. I felt no connection, I wasn't sure where he stood, in my mind, I thought I would give it one more date, but he was upfront about there being no connection, so he took the burden off.

Oh well. today I am going to the farmer's market with my friends, then I will begin to purge and pack. I am praying this all goes through smoothly.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
So, now I have to find out how to let him down easily. I know I don't owe anyone anything, but he has had bad luck in the dating world and I feel bad.
Fixing him / making him feel better about himself isn't your job. Your job is to worry about you and your D.

My suggestion is that after his next text - cuz there's going to be one - is respond - "Thanks for last night but I'm not really feeling it. Best of luck" - and then no replies when he asks why and for details. BIFF - Brief, Informative, Firm and Friendly.

You did good.

JuJuB - I'm not sure that I can really answer your question but wanted to take a swing at it. As an old fashioned guy who I hope is a gentleman, I am a big believer in respect. Boundaries are part of resepect IMO. Other than once in my 20s when I got told off for it, I've never kissed a woman without an invitation. Sometimes I've asked for an invitation, but have never been turned down when I have. Even after being married for nearly 3 decades I always respected when my then wife would pull back or say no be it for a hug or something more intimate.

But it comes down to respect. Does the person respect me enough to recognize that my body, my thoughts and opinions are mine and not theirs. Do I respect myself enough to resist when I don't get that respect. The last bit sometimes I struggle with. If I saw another person being treated in a similar fashion would I be offended?

I don't think it's something you can learn from a book.


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Funny enough, I haven't heard from him since our last text yesterday morning. Should I still reach out and "officially" end it if he doesn't reach out to me? Can I let it drop? he asked me what my plans for the day were yesterday and I told him and that was that.

On another note. I think I am getting a second job. Because, you know I don't have enough on my plate, lol. I really want to get into the hospital by my house that's in my system. I am working with the SW from over there today and she made a call for me. They need per diem, but I need full-time. So I spoke to the woman over there and she said if I have availability on weekends to start as a per diem and I can get transitioned to full time when it opens up.

I guess I could use the extra cash. I have no significant other and no child every other weekend. Might as well make the money while I am young and able.

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I would not reach out and drop it. If he reaches out again then tell him.


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Things are moving G. Great!


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I agree w/Joseph...I wouldn't reach out and just allow things to be. If he reaches out, then you will have your opportunity to tell him. For now, keep the focus on you, your daughter, and all of the other areas in your life. You've got a full plate.


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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Funny enough, I haven't heard from him since our last text yesterday morning. Should I still reach out and "officially" end it if he doesn't reach out to me? Can I let it drop? he asked me what my plans for the day were yesterday and I told him and that was that.

On another note. I think I am getting a second job. Because, you know I don't have enough on my plate, lol. I really want to get into the hospital by my house that's in my system. I am working with the SW from over there today and she made a call for me. They need per diem, but I need full-time. So I spoke to the woman over there and she said if I have availability on weekends to start as a per diem and I can get transitioned to full time when it opens up.

I guess I could use the extra cash. I have no significant other and no child every other weekend. Might as well make the money while I am young and able.


Oh, G.......in the immortal words of Elsa and Anna from "Frozen", LET IT GO! You do NOT owe this dude anything. You had one date; one date that was uncomfortable for you. To be honest, I'm not really into the whole ghosting someone thing and it frustrates me when it happens to me, but in this case, reaching out again is just going to prolong your agony. I totally get your question because I would so totally be warring with myself in my head over the very same thing. The rational Dawn would be screaming let it go, while the nicey-nice Dawn would be saying, tell the guy something so as not to just completely ghost him. It is easier for me to say to you than to myself that you should just go ahead and let it go. It really is for the best.

Good luck on the job front. Sounds like a good way to get a foot in the door while earning some extra money, if you can swing it without wearing yourself completely out. You have to make sure that you take care of yourself in amongst your efforts to take care of everyone else.


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I agree with the others - at this point I'd not reach out or contact him. That said, I'll be beyond amazed if he does not contact you within the next 72 hours. I just see no way from what you've told us that he doesn't contact you. So be ready. I can tell you that speaking personally the best thing you could do if it were me is just give it to me straight. But that's me and I know I'm not like many guys. Still you don't need to have an hour discussion or anything, just keep it short and to the point. He's not what you are looking for. Thank him for being so nice, wish him luck and that's that. He will be just fine.


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I haven't heard from him, I think he was p!ssed I didn't spend Sunday with him. Oh well, it's over.

Things are going pretty well right now. The house is full steam ahead, I am getting myself in shape again. I had my first full crossfit class last night and it was intense! But it's great, and just the butt kicking I need. The only problem is it's 95 degrees with 100% humidity and they don't put the AC on..... But thank you, things are looking a little brighter, and I am trying not to wait for the other shoe to drop.

Now. I might get 2x4d, but hear me out. I kind had a mug of hot chocolate last night if you get what I mean.

I got a text from HC with a pic of earrings I left behind. We had some banter and we both realized we were free and he came down last minute to a local bar to get some drinks. He actually brought up what happened and the ending of what we had. He wanted to talk it out. I think I told you guys that I temp checked him the last night we were together by saying "I think I missed you this past week" He told me that freaked him out. I basically said if things like that freak him out and he distances so hard, it just wasn't for me. IN a nutshell, he expressed still wanting to see me, understanding what I was saying...... and he kept saying I knew where he was at.... and I said, yes, I know where you were at and I realized I couldn't keep doing this if you were going to be so emotionally distant and nothing would ever come of it in the end. He actually said "I don't know that nothing would ever come of it, I am not ruling that out"

So, he wants to keep seeing me. Is it for the sex? Maybe? I mean, we are insanely attracted to eachother and the sex is good. He said he really does have a great time with me and invited me as the back-up to a Bruno Mars concert him and his exW bought tickets to a long time ago. She might be away on business and I get to go!

So, this is how I feel about all of this, and it kind of worries me that my heart might be hardening. I don't have romantic feelings for him. I know BG and I only had a few weeks, but there was a closeness there that HC and I don't have. Probably because he ensures not to get close. But I am completely honest with myself in that I feel fine with whatever arrangement we have, which seems to be dating and sex. That if he doesn't call/text, I don't care. Any expectation is gone. When he left last night, he said " I have a busy weekend with the kids, so I might not be communicative, but I'll definitely text you, I am not forgetting about you". I guess he said that, because early in the night I said when we spend time together and then you disappear for 5 days, well, that doesn't work for me either.

So, I failed my "just friends" test last night. We were beyond friendly. I realize I also don't want a relationship with him. He's not the one. I don't know if his demeanor would change towards me and he came closer if I would feel different. But I am not interested in an R with him as things are. But I am interested in the fun we have together.

I should really write a book. Look at this crazy stuff I post.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1

So, he wants to keep seeing me. Is it for the sex? Maybe? I mean, we are insanely attracted to eachother and the sex is good. He said he really does have a great time with me and invited me as the back-up to a Bruno Mars concert him and his exW bought tickets to a long time ago. She might be away on business and I get to go!



Seriously, G???????????????? To me that says a whole lot when you say you were invited as "back-up" and you might get to go and you seem excited about it. You are worth so much more than that. That's really all I can say because I'm too busy shaking my head. You are an adult, as is he, so you have to do what is right for you, but this is another one of those places where I SO totally wish we could have an IRL conversation because you are going down a road I have already gone down and believe me when I say it just ends with you getting your heart broken AGAIN. Proceed with caution, G, and PLEASE don't think that you are just a back-up. You are worth far more than that.


Me 52, H53
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Yeah G......I can just see you getting hurt in this scenario. I suppose some woman can just have sex and not get involved emotionally but I don't get that vibe from you. I also think it is pretty selfish of HC to even suggest that you can pseudo wait around and be there hanging with him on the side.

I just don't like it..........either he is all in or all out.


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But I am not all in or all out either.

I think I might be treating him like MY back-up plan.

I don't desire an R from him, yet I like the other stuff.

I swear, it isn't me devaluing myself. If I was hoping he would come around, then I would devaluing myself. I think even if he did, I don't want it. Yes, I was a "back-up" plan for the concert. I'm cool with that. But I will not be a back-up to his life.

I seriously think my heart doesn't work anymore. Right now it doesn't anyways.

I think I have dated the most in this year than I have collectively in the last 10. Obviously unsuccessfully, but I think I finally have walls. This year has toughened me.

Stuff to think about I guess. Not my focus right now anyways.

If someone would have told me this would be me at 38, I would have laughed in their face.

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Ginger,

I've said this before, you are a beautiful lady who has so much potential and so many good qualities to share w/a man at some point down the road. Please do not settle for being any man's back-up plan. I agree, either the man is all in or he's not the one for you.

Don't settle for crumbs...you owe it to yourself to set your standards for a relationship w/a man at a higher level and not just for fun here and there. Your "date" needs to respect you for who you are and not just a back up plan when he has no one else to do things w/him.

Just my two cents.


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Ok I'll play the devil's advocate here:

First of all - I'd be a little freaked out too if a guy I went out with a couple of times told me he missed me. Probably not to the extent he was, but it is definitely off-putting when people come on too very strong in the beginning, when you're just getting to know each other.

As for seeing him just for the sex and companionship - I say why not IF YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FEELINGS UNDER CONTROL. But you have to be honest with yourself about whether you can really do that.

And - the lesson in all this? When you back off and give them space, men come to YOU. I know, it su*ks, it's unfair, etc etc but the bottom line is, playing a little hard to get - even if it's accidental - can change the dynamic in a big way.

Now, I suspect Caterpillar Mustache Man would be into me no matter what, but his ardor was definitely enhanced I think by the fact that I wasn't available to see him right away (was flying to a conference), was a lot more hesitant than he was about jumping into a relationship (just because I was just beginning to dip my toes back into the dating pool while he was definitely ready for a relationship) and a lot more cautious about getting involved (because of my experience with crazy ex-bf). I didn't INTENTIONALLY play hard to get but the effect was the same.

If it was me I'd give Hot Chocolate a chance. But beware - he may be a Love Avoidant who can't change. That was my experience with Mr. Big Lots. I actually gave him an article about Love Avoidants, which he gave to his mom and they both agreed with me that this was his problem. He asked to see me again and I went on a couple more dates with him (after having broken up with him) but his behavior didn't change so I said Bye Felicia.

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Thank you. What is important to me is that I keep my value in whatever I decide. That if I make the decision to keep seeing him, I don't hope he will want to be more to me. That is a choice I make. If I have feelings, then well, I need to stop seeing him.

My ultimate desire is to have a true partner. Who LOVES me. I have never really had my love returned. Someone who chooses me everyday. I will not let get anything ever get in the way of that. It may never happen, but I will never shut the door on it if it does because I am involved with someone who doesn't care for me.

We had talked that night, but definitely have more talking to do. There are things I need, even in a casual situation. Non-sexual touch is one of them. I can't have him be afraid of that because it might spark something more. And I was pretty forthright that I cannot entertain everything is he is going to be scared of anything that seems remotely intimate. I can't be pushed away intentionally. If he feels the need to do that, then we shouldn't be spending time together.

It's really not on my mind too much. My house is. Of course the other shoe dropped yesterday. I am so P'O'd. I came at my mortgage company with a number I can afford per month and I based my offer on that number. They calculated it 20K under by accident from a previous house I was looking at. I found this out when I went to sign the mortgage agreement, my monthly price was $150 over what I said I can afford. I am so mad. $150 may not seem like a lot, but my bottom line number before that was about $125 more than I would have prefer to spend. Now we are trying to come up with loan programs to lower my payment by I make a tad too much to qualify for some. I either take money from my dad and pay my PMI upfront, or I take a higher monthly payment. I can't even begin to explain what it is like taking money from my dad. I wish I could say "dad, I need this much" and he simply says "OK". Nope, he's got to give me the details behind it, the stress that comes with it for him, yadayadayada. If you care going to give me the money, just give it to me. I truly prefer to do it without his money and maybe paying for an appliance or two.

My dad has always been the most wonderful dad. I grew up with the expectation that parents owe you nothing after 18. Any money is a true gift. I have lived that way since 18. People around me say "he's your dad, you are the only child, you have never been dependent on him, he should just do it, no questions asked, no pressure behind it". I feel like a brat if I agree with that. I kind of do. I have cost him a h@lluva lot less than most kids cost. I paid for all my own education, housing, ect. I didn't have the luxury of staying home and saving money. I just wish he would do this with a simple "no problem, when do you need it?" minus the details of what he needs to go through, how it will affect them ect.

ANyways, I am rambling. A little stressed. Home inspection today in the 100 degree heat and no AC! AHHHH. Had such a great night with my friends last night. I am so blessed in the area of friends. I miss my baby, though. She's been with him this week because he is off. Yesterday he made my daughter get her eyebrows waxed by her aunt. It was horrific. She had me on the phone screaming bloody murder before it even happened. They are all about grooming their hairy selves in that family. Well, she had 2 eyebrows now. It's my ex's birthday today, he is 39. I sent him a text that said "Happy last year in your 30's" Tomorrow after cheerleading practice, I am taking her for ice cream then back to his house, then she has the holiday weekend with me.

Wish me luck on home inspection today.

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Ginger... I guess my largest concern is sort of like I what recently challenged Joseph with - Just what is it you want??? You seem so all over the place - or perhaps so impulsive. It was less than a week ago that you were done with guys. You had nothing more to give - you are getting off of OLD and are just going to focus on your daughter, your house, your job, etc. That was less than ONE WEEK AGO!!!! Since then you went out with yet another guy from OLD and now are back to meeting up with HC - whom you said you felt nothing for, had no sexual attraction, didn't want to see. You said that you wanted to start holding yourself to higher standards, making guys provide you some of the things you want and need. Remember all of that? Were they just words? They almost would have to be just words as you are not walking that talk by any means. Did you mean any of what you said - one week ago?

What is it you really want???? And does these latest moves get you any closer to it? Like I've said all along, I really watch for and pay attention to trends and long term behavior. I've heard you say how you just have the worst luck. Well, I'm a firm believer that luck is not part of it - we make our own "Luck". It's clear now that you are at least in some ways getting back what you are putting in. I feel bad even saying that and do not at all want to hurt your feelings but it's getting clearer and clearer that you are where you are in part due to your actions. You are worth more than this.

As for HC, he clearly misses you or misses the desert that you had been providing. So now he claims, oh, it's not necessarily impossible that we could be more to each other some day. Yeah, right, uh and I have a bridge to sell you. He knows he needs to tell you that if he's going to get any additional desert anytime soon. Pay attention to his actions - that's what you need to do with all guys. I too have said i don't want anything serious or long term but in at least a few ways my actions are now showing otherwise. Am I changing my mind, hmmmmmm not all that likely but I am clearly softening and opening up to other possibilities. But see, my actions are showing that. His words may say one thing - but pay attention to his actions.

So it's really hard for me to suggest what to do other than for you to really figure out what it is you honestly and truly want in the short term and then start behaving as if you want that and will not accept anything less. I think you are pretty clear on what you want long term - now start doing things that bring you closer to that. In the short term, what do you want? Was a week ago following BG what you really want in the short term or is the past couple days? Is the crumbs that HC is throwing truly better than nothing at all?????? Our actions can influence others. That's part of DBing. What we do and how we do it will influence how others respond to us and treat us. We teach people how to treat us. What are you teaching these guys? I really think you need to pick a destination, pick your route to get there and then stay on that path until you arrive. Changing destinations or at least constantly changing course only runs you out of gas and puts wear and tear on your car while you never arrive at your destination.


DonH
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I know exactly what I want in the long run. I am pretty firm on that. IN the meantime, you are right, I need to work towards that, but that means something different for me I guess. It means not getting emotionally involved with unavailable men and remaining open to other possibilities. I had liked a guy for years I had a casual R with. Because of that casual R an dhoping he would come around, I did pass up opportunites, and one I really regret. I promise not to let that happen again.

I think HC missed both my company and my dessert. I think he wants that without having to give. He most likely wants his dessert and eat it too. We began a talk about this, but we didn't finish it. I told him yesterday we need to finish it and he agrees. I just don't get it. He is a very sexy, outgoing, successful man. He could get his dessert anywhere I am sure. He dis tell me I am the one and only since his exW. We basically really need to sit down and talk, who knows when that is going to be, we both have our kids this weekend.

Yes, it turns out I am still attracted to him. Both intellectually and physically. But romantically, maybe not. I am realizing there are many levels of attraction. Either way, not on the forefront of my mind, TBH. Other things are.

My home inspection went great yesterday The house is in great condition. My number came down a bit in my mortgage because my credit score went up a lot since june. It's looking a little better. Contractors are stating to come in. Now my landlord is being even more of a d!ck and I won't find out about the cash until Friday. It's a long story, I'll spare you. But he's making some seriously d!ck moves, but I think they are out of stupidity.

My body is so sore today, but yesterday I was challenged to really throw some weight up there. I am strong, but I have been going easy. I was able to handle it well, and I look forward to progressing. Still need to get the eating part right, though.

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I say give Hot Chocolate a break! He wasn't even totally ready to date after his divorce (in that he wasn't out there on OLD or anything). You kind of got pushed into his lap by his coworker. He liked you but things went WAY too fast. AND honestly. it is WEIRD the first time you sleep with someone other than your spouse. I probably would have pulled back too if that combination of things had happened after my divorce. (Instead, I dated an avoidant).

Now - that doesn't mean he's not an avoidant type, or really just not ready for a relationship and just doesn't want to give up dessert. The way you find out the difference is by MAKING HIM STEP UP TO THE PLATE. You are NOT available on short notice - he has to ask you out in advance. Don't jump back into bed with him. Conduct an experiment to see how motivated he actually is to spend time with you. Don't be afraid to tell him - "Look, I think the way we jumped into bed so soon kind of interfered with us getting to know each other so how about we start back at the beginning?" Then if he's only interested in dessert he'll flake, but if he's actually just a good guy who couldn't move that fast he'll be okay with that.

BTW - on a completely different topic - do you have Hulu? Have you watched Insecure? If not, it's pretty hilarious.

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HC and I had a text convo about us during working hours. I'll spare the details, but I was very clear about if we were to carry on, even if he isn't ready for an R and he doesn't know when, I have needs that still are reasonable to be met. I told them what they are and I said it would have to be given freely. He said he was being distant to "protect me". He also doesn't want pressure of it becoming something he is not ready for.

Anyways, when we kind of came to a standstill I said we have two choices.

1) wish each other the best, and go our separate ways

2) date, but let things flow naturally. No one pushing anyone away intentionally, nor anyone trying to pull anyone closer intentionally. Let things happen naturally.

He had to run to a meeting, and he said "to be continued" which of course wasn't continued anytime yesterday. I know which way this is going to go. And I am really whatever about it all.

Funny, there are 2 guys in our crossfit class. One is really cute. The other is obviously gay. And we realize they are partners. So no available men.

On a positive note: I had two patients tell me I am excellent at my job. And one coworker. That felt good.

ON a down note: the ex is taking D10 the night before her birthday, so she wakes up with OWW who takes her to school. I hate that. As a mother, there is such an emptiness waking up without my daughter on her birthday. I was the key player in that day, in labor, having a C-section, felling her for the last time in my belly. It truly is a form of emptiness, that can't be fully explained. Then that night her father and I are taking her indoor skydiving and out to dinner. ANd because it's $90/ person he isn't going to do it and is going to split hers.

Oh, and on another up note: I was having a talk with D10 about the decrease on our spending and how vacations and big stuff won't be happening for a long time. I did say "I can't take you on cruises, trips to Italy, CA, ect., like your dad can" She said "Mom, our house is a Need, the other things are wants. I am very OK with it. We will cook together in our big kitchen and play with our dog. You got me beautiful new bedding too for my room.

I mean, how lucky I that she is so amazing and mature?

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Your daughter is a very intelligent young lady to be able to say that the house is a "need" and the other things are "wants". Not many young people can figure that out at such a young age. You've raised her right...never doubt yourself on that one. She knows who is there for her 24/7. She also knows that you work very hard to make a home for the two of you and above all else, you show her love all of the time.

I am very happy to read that people are paying your compliments. That is an excellent ego boost this week.

Enjoy the weekend.


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Originally Posted by Ginger1
HC and I had a text convo about us during working hours. I'll spare the details, but I was very clear about if we were to carry on, even if he isn't ready for an R and he doesn't know when, I have needs that still are reasonable to be met. I told them what they are and I said it would have to be given freely. He said he was being distant to "protect me". He also doesn't want pressure of it becoming something he is not ready for.

Anyways, when we kind of came to a standstill I said we have two choices.

1) wish each other the best, and go our separate ways

2) date, but let things flow naturally. No one pushing anyone away intentionally, nor anyone trying to pull anyone closer intentionally. Let things happen naturally.

He had to run to a meeting, and he said "to be continued" which of course wasn't continued anytime yesterday. I know which way this is going to go. And I am really whatever about it all.

Funny, there are 2 guys in our crossfit class. One is really cute. The other is obviously gay. And we realize they are partners. So no available men.

On a positive note: I had two patients tell me I am excellent at my job. And one coworker. That felt good.

ON a down note: the ex is taking D10 the night before her birthday, so she wakes up with OWW who takes her to school. I hate that. As a mother, there is such an emptiness waking up without my daughter on her birthday. I was the key player in that day, in labor, having a C-section, felling her for the last time in my belly. It truly is a form of emptiness, that can't be fully explained. Then that night her father and I are taking her indoor skydiving and out to dinner. ANd because it's $90/ person he isn't going to do it and is going to split hers.

Oh, and on another up note: I was having a talk with D10 about the decrease on our spending and how vacations and big stuff won't be happening for a long time. I did say "I can't take you on cruises, trips to Italy, CA, ect., like your dad can" She said "Mom, our house is a Need, the other things are wants. I am very OK with it. We will cook together in our big kitchen and play with our dog. You got me beautiful new bedding too for my room.

I mean, how lucky I that she is so amazing and mature?



Just a couple of things: in regards to HC, no response is a response. Keep that in mind when communicating with him. As I said before y'all are both adults and have to do what is right for you, but proceed with caution. I know you say you are whatever about it all, but I worry that you have said that before and it hasn't proven true, so I don't want you to let it get all up in your head.

In regards to D10....WAY TO GO, G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is one amazing young lady you have there. I have D25, D27 and D29 and there are days when I highly doubt that any of them could tell you that a house is a NEED while a trip to Italy or a cruise is a want because sometimes I don't think they know the difference. Love my girls, but their mother taught them early on that wants come first and that is a hard habit for them to break, even as adults.

Good on you for the compliments at work. You are awesome!

Have a wonderful, amazing, relaxing, refreshing weekend.


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Welp, and just like that we are over again.

2 guys, 2 come back for more, both end up re-rejecting because one wants an R and the other doesn't, and apparently I am cut out for neither! Talk about lose-lose situations! Ha! That leaves me good at one thing. Being single!

I didn't think it would bother me again, but it sort of does. But I think he is a bit of a flaky liar and he only wants what he wants. It'll be short-lived.

The kid is pretty amazing. She is so intelligent. I like to think I taught her right. And thank you.

The compliments are very nice to receive from coworkers, and I got another one today. I am a words of affirmation girl.

I pretty much have my second job, the social worker told all the case managers I am coming and they are really excited. So, I guess working 6 days a week, I won't have time to date anyways.

It's true, I need to do something different. What, I don't know. Maybe listen to my gut more, and remind myself, it's better to be alone than with someone who can recognize your full value.

Although I think HC did. He just can't live up to it.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1


2 guys, 2 come back for more, both end up re-rejecting because one wants an R and the other doesn't, and apparently I am cut out for neither! Talk about lose-lose situations! Ha! That leaves me good at one thing. Being single!


There are FAR worse things in this world than being single, but you need to start focusing on the positive. Look at ALL that YOU have accomplished that no one in this world but you can take credit for. You are literally a self-made woman who has earned every single thing you have on your own and by yourself. That is seriously amazing and impressive.

Originally Posted by Ginger1


I didn't think it would bother me again, but it sort of does. But I think he is a bit of a flaky liar and he only wants what he wants. It'll be short-lived.


Of course it bothers you. This is exactly what I mean in my other post. I knew you weren't "whatever" about it because it isn't in you to be "whatever" about things like this. You are an emotional, sensitive person and I mean that in a totally good way. You are a loving, caring person who wants to be loved and cared for and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I don't think you have it in you to be in a casual, sexual relationship. I think you say you could, but when it comes down to it, you just aren't built that way. I'm not either. I need to be in or I need to be out. I can't be in for fun and not let emotions in....just can't do it.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

It's true, I need to do something different. What, I don't know. Maybe listen to my gut more, and remind myself, it's better to be alone than with someone who can recognize your full value.

Although I think HC did. He just can't live up to it.


It IS better to be alone than to devalue yourself for someone else. You are a high-class woman so don't settle for middle class appreciation. I have to agree to disagree with you about HC...I don't think he has a clue of your actual value. If he did, he would have acted like a man and TALKED to you instead of playing these little back and forth games. I get he's fresh out of a divorce and that can really play some tricks on a person and have them feeling all sorts of weird ways, but the only person HC recognizes the value of is HC. You do NOT need that. Onward and upward, I say!


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You may need to start a new thread again here soon so hope I'm in under the wire here - but um, DETAILS PLEASE? You certainly didn't provide much. You had a text conversation with HC about what you wanted, he said to be continued, and it evidently was continued earlier today but you don't provide any details. What happened? And then who is the second guy - are you talking about BG? Did something more happen with him again? And what about the random guy from last week Saturday? Have you heard anything back from him? Hope you can clear these up for those of us trying to follow along?????


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HAHA, Don, I am too mentally exhausted to go into the details. He thinks I will not be OK with casual and I should have everything I want and deserve. But really, that man is in a super selfish phase right now. So, it's just done. I told him we can't be friends either. He wants what he wants, and I want what I want. Different places and he isn't willing to compromise and is too scared of me wanting more. So, screw it. It would be highly unenjoyable.

Yes, I was referring to BG. and nothing new has happened there. And I never heard from random guy again.

Dawn, your post to me was wonderful. Thank you. I am established, know what I want, and I can't be dealing with some guy fresh out a divorce. I need to really own my self value. I really need to stop putting myself in these positions too. I own that. You are right, I don't have it in me to be casual, nor do I have it in me to be rejected anymore. I need a breather, but I am nuts, I keep going back for more.

I am super tired. More emotional exhaustion than anything. D10 has not stayed at my house since last Friday night and I have missed her horribly. I can't wait to just snuggle with her.

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New Thread:

Unlucky in love

Last edited by job; 08/31/18 09:54 PM. Reason: added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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