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Originally Posted by Dawn70
While quick decisions are never pleasant, I think you are right in looking at the apartment and giving it serious consideration. It may not be perfect but life never is, so you have to make the best decision for you and D10 right now. Circumstances will surely change down the road and maybe a house that is perfect for you will pop up later. Life has a funny way of working things out for you sometimes and I think that the house deal falling through may be a blessing in disguise for you. I know it doesn't seem that way now. But, I think it means there is something better on the horizon.

May I ask a rhetorical question? I want to preface it with this: I think, from what I know of you through your posts, that you are a strong, confident, take charge, get it done, fiery, passionate woman. You work hard, you love hard, and you are fiercely loyal to those who are loyal to you. You have amazing strength and drive and you are single-handedly raising a lovely young woman who will be a productive part of our society in her future. And, she has a fantastic role model in you to show her how to be a real woman. Those are all amazing qualities. So, here's the rhetorical question/comment part. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but you seem somewhat bitter about what might have been if your XH had been different than he is. I understand that, in simplest terms, he's a loser and you feel like you chose wrong in marrying him, but you can't change that. You can't change him. He is who he is. I say that because of the last line of your post above and that is not the first time you have made statements about how bad he was as a husband or how bad he is as a father. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm NOT putting you down for making those statements or feeling that way. You are certainly entitled to feeling and posting whatever you want. I'm just wondering if maybe you are holding on to some anger or bitterness that might serve you better to just let it go. He's not going to change.....EVER....because people do NOT inherently change. So, why waste the mental energy on being upset with, angry at, or even giving a second thought to, for that matter, someone who is SO insignificant? Sure, he's your D's dad and you can't change that either, but as she gets older, she can develop her own relationship with him that has absolutely nothing to do with you and you can have less and less contact with him. You share a child, but when that child is no longer a child, there really won't be much reason for you to have to deal with him.

You have so much going for you in a positive way that I sometimes hurt for you when I see you mention things like that. Again, I'm not trying to tell you what to feel or what to post, but just making an observation from the outside looking in. And, I also say all this because it was pointed out to me recently too. I rarely think of or even talk about my XH to anyone in my circle, but occasionally, particularly when I am having a rough day, I will spew some anger about him to someone I'm venting to. Someone recently pointed that out to me and it made me stop and pause about why I was even letting him take up space in my head. Of course, our sitches are different in that "our" children are actually HIS children and they were all adults when we got D'ed so there is NO reason for us to maintain contact for their sake or benefit like you have to do with D10 and her dad. It's like that old saying about holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent-free in your head. Or my personal fave: holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

You are amazing, G! You truly are. Life keeps handing you sh!t sandwiches for some reason lately, but you are going to come out of this on the other side, stronger, wiser, happier and better for all of it because you are a fighter and a survivor. It's all going to be ok. Hang in there! Positive thoughts, vibes and prayers are coming your way from down south. wink



First, thank you for your kind words. They really mean a lot.

I do have residual bitterness towards my ex. It doesn't control my life anymore, which it did, but it certainly rears it's ugly head when his immoral decisions have affected the rest of me and my daughter's life. Many of my big life decisions had to be made based upon his choices. I struggled with my career for many years because I was the main carer for our daughter and I had no familial help and an odd hour job. I job hopped to find which one would work and left the one I loved. I am bound to a state where a single mother can barely afford to live because of our divorce. I make almost 6 figures, and it's barely enough. I am still bitter that my life is limited by what he did. It doesn't control me anymore, but it does come out in times like these.

The good news is, I really don't have any contact with him. I see him maybe once every other week for a few minutes. We text, rarely talk. D10 now has a phone is capable of all contact she wants to make. I even have her call and arrange some plans sometimes. It's made things much better for me. Our only communication is about money and schedules. I even tried to get this google calendar thing going, but he doesn't know how to use it and doesn't want to learn. Unfortunately cheerleading season is upon us and I have to see them every weekend and be friendly. But I am good at it.

I am fully accepting though of who he is, how I can't change him, and how he will never change. That I knew a long time ago. He is who he is and I married him that way. I wish to God all my life decisions for myself and my daughter were not constrained by him some how. That's what really gets my goat.

Again, nothing I can do with it, I've got to play the cards I have been dealt.

But if he would have just completely left out lives, I would have been much happier. But, D10, not so much.

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Ginger1 Offline OP
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I looked at the apartment yesterday. It is what all the units are. I might take it. My agent took me for a drive by to a hosue that is going back on the market on sunday. Flood zone, but not bad flood, but insurance is required. It's being listed by an another agent, but I hoping they drop the price, because with the flood insurance, I can't afford it where it is at. So, he is going to start the lease process and try to stall until sunday until I can get into the house.

He said my father keeps calling him and asking what he needs to make this work. My dad acts like he is willing to give money. But he isn't. The agent freely gives to his adult daughter, and he seems to think "he's your father, he says he wants to". But no. I will beholden to him, and every time he says he is going to help, he can't. Or he got figures wrong, or something. I just don't want it. Him and his wife are coming on Sunday. They can look. They were just coming for a visit.

Still in major home limbo, but it seems as if I really need to be out by oct. 1st. I still haven't been able to do anything about my car accidents. The backstabbing social worker at work today tried to humiliate me in a meeting.......

I have an awful urge to read out to Band Ass. it's not logical, I am not going to, but part of me want's to be like "Really, that's it?!?" he's moved onto the next victim I guess.

I am going to go visit my friends new beautiful home tomorrow with other friends then we are going out to some nice upscale restaurant/bar. I need this. An escape will be nice.

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LOL G.....Band Ass. Don't do it......................................


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Joseph9
LOL G.....Band Ass. Don't do it......................................


Luckily my rational side takes over more often than not these days........

I even thought about reaching out to HC. Not to do the nasty. To take him up on his friends and drinks offer. Hey, he takes me to nice places and pays. We did have a good time together even when we weren't in the sack. Then I realized I am not kid free really until some random day next week.

I think I am searching for anything to make me feel good. Hey, atleast I am self-aware! I will give myself credit for that!

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Yes you probably are and good for you for being self aware!! Don't give Band Dich or CC another thought.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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But I am using chocolate as comfort and it's going to make me fat...........

A sad attempt at humor. I am off my game

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Originally Posted by Ginger1


First, thank you for your kind words. They really mean a lot.

I do have residual bitterness towards my ex. It doesn't control my life anymore, which it did, but it certainly rears it's ugly head when his immoral decisions have affected the rest of me and my daughter's life. Many of my big life decisions had to be made based upon his choices. I struggled with my career for many years because I was the main carer for our daughter and I had no familial help and an odd hour job. I job hopped to find which one would work and left the one I loved. I am bound to a state where a single mother can barely afford to live because of our divorce. I make almost 6 figures, and it's barely enough. I am still bitter that my life is limited by what he did. It doesn't control me anymore, but it does come out in times like these.

The good news is, I really don't have any contact with him. I see him maybe once every other week for a few minutes. We text, rarely talk. D10 now has a phone is capable of all contact she wants to make. I even have her call and arrange some plans sometimes. It's made things much better for me. Our only communication is about money and schedules. I even tried to get this google calendar thing going, but he doesn't know how to use it and doesn't want to learn. Unfortunately cheerleading season is upon us and I have to see them every weekend and be friendly. But I am good at it.

I am fully accepting though of who he is, how I can't change him, and how he will never change. That I knew a long time ago. He is who he is and I married him that way. I wish to God all my life decisions for myself and my daughter were not constrained by him some how. That's what really gets my goat.

Again, nothing I can do with it, I've got to play the cards I have been dealt.

But if he would have just completely left out lives, I would have been much happier. But, D10, not so much.


Thanks for the explanation. I hope my post didn't come across as rude because that certainly wasn't my intention. It really was just seeing it from a different point of view. I don't live in your head or walk in your shoes, so I don't want it to sound like I'm judging because that is absolutely NOT my right nor my place. I kind of get where you are coming from. Because my situation was different, I don't completely understand, but your explanation helps and I appreciate your taking the time to lay it out like that. The end result, at least for me, is that I do sincerely wish you well and I meant all the nice stuff I said. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a bounty of good things to come your way soon.

Oh and I totally agree with J9...do NOT text band a$$ or HC for that matter (and thank you for that little laugh this morning).


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Dawn, I am never, ever offended by anything you say. And it was a good observation. I will admit, in the beginning, I held onto the anger wishing he could just be a decent person. I learned a lot since then, let go of a lot, and simply just resent the fact I live in the constraints of his poor choices.

To add a little more on my plate today, my colleague, who has been here 20 years, the other case manager told me I should start looking for another job. She heard something and she is afraid we are getting shut down. She told me I have a child and need a house and that I need to protect myself.

So, yeah, that happened too. I can only laugh.

I've been putting myself to bed as soon as D10 goes to bed. I can't seem to deal with the world right now.

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Don't buy a house if your job is unstable unless you have 6 months of living expenses in savings. Seriously.

Rent the apartment, find a new job and take your time.

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(((Ginger)))

It will work out. It really will. You are a nurse. There is no shortage of jobs. An apt will buy you some time so you are not pressured to make a really big and expensive decision. This knowledge is good. You were gonna buy in an area closer to your job. That would not make sense now. Just dont put much work into it. Only unpack what you need to.

Dont contact those guys cause you need a pick me up. It will just make you feel worse. You can handle this without them to feel better.

I get that on bad days you are really gonna resent your ex. I do too. I blame him for a lot of my issues. It is hard not to. A single mom that had it much tougher then me once said something along the lines of " lack of support from the other parent is a daily crime being perpetrated against you and your kids over and over". Its not something you can move past cause it is just always there in your face when your struggling to make ends meet. Kind of like that movie ground hogs day.
Its not just a oh he cheated on me, im gonna move on with my life.

But it does help me to remember that the only single reason it is a struggle is because we were given the most incredible gifts ever. So worth every bit.

Just hang in there. Get through it day by day


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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