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kml Offline OP
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Pneumothorax darn autocorrect

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Well darn, now CMM's whole left lung is opacified and won't re-expand, so he'll have another bronchoscopy in the morning to see what's going on in there. It might just be that because he can't cough stuff up (due to pain from the surgery) that he has a mucus plug in there. Or could be some complication of the surgery. Nobody really knows.He's uncomfortable and pretty miserable right now. What was to be a one night stay in the hospital is turning into a much longer ordeal.

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I am so sorry to read of CMM's current situation. I hope that they can figure out what is causing the left lung issue very quickly. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I am sorry he is having so many complications. Maybe a good bronchoscopy/washout will help his lungs and he will be on his way to healing so he could begin treatment. Stay Strong!

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Thanks - that's what I'm hoping. He's so ready to get out of the hospital.

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Well CMM came home Friday, on oxygen. He had a rough weekend, he's struggling with severe pain from the surgery whenever he coughs versus the need to bring up these big balls of phlegm that are in his lungs. He didn't sleep well Saturday night and was pretty down Sunday.

Monday we met the oncologist who is clearly freaked that the tumor is progressing so rapidly and wants to schedule chemo asap. They think the entire left lung is now involved.

I have to be honest: although there is still some hope that he'll be a candidate for and responder to one of the newer immunotherapy drugs, his prognosis is dire. Odds are quite high he could die within 3-6 months.

And here's a dilemma I have: he is semi-estranged from his daughters, who blame him for the divorce and for not having "fixed" their alcoholic mother (who may, from his description of her, have some serious personality issues as well. ). Although I only have his side of the story, he seems to have been a very active caring father. I don't know if the girls are believing lies that their mother told or just still shocked at the disintegration of their family and venting to the "responsible" parent.

Anyway, in the past he has made multiple attempts to reach out to them and gets only intermittent response. I've pushed him to keep them apprised of his cancer diagnosis and only one has responded. They are all in their early 20's and I fear they don't actually realize how serious this is.

I know CMM would love to reconcile with them but seems to have given up. I think the rejection and disappointment has worn him down. But I worry about his daughters and the burden they will carry forward in their lives if he dies without them getting some kind of closure on the relationship.

(And yes, I'm sure you're wondering what kind of parent he was that his kids would abandon him like this. No, he didn't cheat on his wife. He didn't abuse his girls (he spanked one once and felt terrible and never did it again.) He took them to all their sports activities and maybe indulged them a bit too much materially, may have been a little bit strict but doesn't sound in a bad way.

He lived the last three years of his marriage with a wife who had moved out of the marital bedroom and was drinking heavily. I don't know how much was cause or effect as he made a decision to just stay until the last child was done with high school and then leave. This came about because he was unable to get his wife to curtail her spending despite a significant change in their finances. (And I suspect from other aspects of his story that she was an alcoholic many years before he realized it. )

Anyway - here's my dilemma. I've never met his girls but I'd like to do what I can to effect some kind of a reconciliation - and soon, as he may not have much time. I've worked on it by encouraging him to reach out but now am debating contacting them directly and saying something along the lines of "please don't tell your father I said this but things are very bad and you may want to come see him soon while you still can".

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I know that would be hugely overstepping some boundaries, plus the last person they may want to hear from is some woman dating their father. But I also don't really relish the idea of being the one to call as a complete stranger and say " hey, your dad died, where do you want me to send the ashes?"

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kml - This is difficult.

I was estranged from my own mother before she passed a bunch of years ago. At the time my wife pushed me hard to visit her in her last days and I refused. I didn't want a fake death-bed reconciliation. I loved and cared a lot about my mother but for reasons of her own that I never understood she shut her children out of her life for the last few years of it.

People don't live their lives the way that we think that they should. And even during times of crisis, when people should be reaching out to family etc, well, sometimes they don't too.

After my mother passed my family and I did attend the "celebration of life" and funeral and did our duty. But that was more for my brothers and sisters and to show an example to my children.

My own opinion is to let CMM do things the way that he wants to. A possibly painful time with his daughters is probably not what he wants at this time.


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I am going to concur with Andrew. I think right now CMM is fighting his own battle and may not have the physical or emotional strength for more rejection by them. Or perhaps he doesn't want them to think he needs them to care for him. I understand where you are coming from, wanting to make this happen for all of them, but I think this is going to have to be something CMM handles on his own.

I do hope he begins to feel more comfortable.

Again, you are an amazing woman to do all of this for him

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Truthfully I'm less concerned about him in this situation than I am with them. By all I can see he was a good father, not the kind of toxic parent that people are better off avoiding. I'm worried about the burden going forward for the girls if he dies without them getting some resolution. I suspect their mother has filled their heads with lies.

I'm also, selfishly, not wanting to end up being that stranger that they blame for his death - people do weird things when they grieve. What if they second-guess his medical decisions and decide I'm to blame?

I have thought about getting him to keep a journal, writing to the girls. At least that way if they don't reconcile I would have something to give them after his death.

But I don't think he will paint as dire a picture for them right now as the situation really is, and I wouldn't want them to miss out on seeing him just because they're young and still think their father is invincible.

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