Welp this will be a different type of post from good ole Pinn. I have done some serious thinking over the past few weeks and have come to the conclusion that… Houston… we have a problem. I’m damaged goods ya’ll. I’m broke and I’m not sure how to fix it.
I have been separated for 3.5 years and divorced for 15ish months. I have different groups of unrelated friends asking me why I don’t date or seem to have zero interest. They say it’s not normal. So I thought about that and concluded…. They are right…. It is not normal. So then I began to think…. Ok so what is my problem?? The same question has kind of been asked in a few other threads here.
OK to answer this question we have to go back to my relationship with XW. For those that don’t know, XW and I were off/on for 20 years. She was my neighbor growing up. So basically the cycle was she would come back, leave, come back, leave, over and over and over again. And what this did is pretty simple. It basically made it impossible to go all in my relationship. I was always, alwayyyys waiting for that other shoe to drop so I was in protection mode. I had to limit my emotional investment so when she left the next time it hurt less and then the next time it hurt less. I take responsibility for my issues in our marriage and I know that this thinking hurt our relationship. It’s like if you go to the plate thinking you are going to strike out, then you are going to strike out. If you think you will bomb that test, you will bomb that test. If you think your relationship will eventually fail, it will fail. Even on BD day, I remember thinking, welp… you knew that was coming any day for the past 6 years, totally not surprising. That doesn’t seem like a normal thought to have after just hearing your marriage is over.
Anyway, this really isn’t about her or even my marriage. It’s about me. So what’s the problem? My friends of course think I am hung up on my EX which is certainly not the case. I have no desire to go back there. I was the one who filed after all. Then what is it? I like women, I like spending time with them, I am a warm blooded man, I like sex of course. So why am I not doing anything about it? Well the problem is… to be perfectly honest… is that I’m scared to be vulnerable. Someone said it on another thread, but if you don’t take a risk then there is no chance of getting hurt. I’m scared to let go completely and even have those feelings enter my head about someone. But I want that… I want to be all in and be absolutely crazy about someone (eventually).
So any thoughts on how to overcome this? It’s easy to say the cliché things like… the right gal will make you forget those thoughts. Well no… I don’t believe that to be the case. I think the perfect gal will make me run the other way even faster at this particular time. It’s also easy to say just go on dates and have fun. Well… easier said than done. I thought about it the other day and every girl I have ever dated, every single one, including XW at the start has been the pursuer and aggressive. I think it’s because it made me less vulnerable almost like they were more invested than I was so there was less chance of me getting hurt. I basically have to do a total 180 and become the pursuer more so now but that’s not an easy change. Meh… I guess recognizing the problem is step 1 right??
I think the best approach to your problem is to work on becoming the kind the person that any woman worthy of your love and affection would want to have as a partner. Get your ducks in a row. Set goals, take action and make things happen. You'll feel better about yourself and you'll be attractive to kind of woman you want in your life.
I'm far from being an expert and there are a lot of others on here who have had far more success than I have, but what stood out to me is that you have been divorced for 15ish months (your words) and your friends think it's not normal that you don't date or have zero interest in dating. I will say something similar to you that I said to Don the other day. What is normal? Normal according to whom? EVERYONE is different. I say this all the time, but it bears repeating. Everyone goes at their own pace so while maybe your friends think it isn't normal, how does it feel TO YOU? I mean, obviously, if you were interested in dating you would, but you aren't, so you don't. I don't understand why that is a bad thing or why it even matters. Just to give you a specific example: I had absolutely NO interest in dating for a year after my D was final...none whatsoever. Then, one day about a year after my D was final, it was just like a switch flipped and all of a sudden, I was ready to date. I'm not saying it will be that way for you, but my whole point here is that I just don't see what the problem is. If you want to date and you are sitting back not doing anything about it, that is one thing, but if you just don't want to, that is a whole other thing and you are certainly entitled not to if you don't want to.
I'm not going to say the right girl will come along and snap you out of it because, again, that may or may not be the way it works. But, if you want to be proactive, then follow doodler's lead and set some goals and take action. Unless I'm missing something from your whole post (and I may well be), I don't necessarily see your lack of desire to date as a problem so much as a mind set. But that is just me and as I started out saying, I'm FAR from being an expert.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thanks Dood and Dawn. I really appreciate the advice and it gives me some things to think about for sure.
Dawn, to answer your question, I do think my feelings are abnormal or, at least, concerning. Not because of some arbitrary timeline but because of the reason. That's kind of what I was trying to get at. It would be one thing if I was hung up on XW, which would be understandable and expected for some period of time. Or if I was just loving living the single life (I actually don't mind it all that much, but it's not the reason I am not dating). But the fact that I am not being proactive because I don't want to become vulnerable with another human being is a problem. The other reasons can flip like a switch, but this one I don't think can, it takes work. Meh... I'll get over it. I'm just not going to think about it for a few months, I have enough going on anyway. You are right, it is a mind set. I'll grab some books and read up on this the next few months.
I know this is a useless exercise but it is crazy for me to think of how I pictured 37 to be vs the reality of what it actually is.
I think the best approach to your problem is to work on becoming the kind the person that any woman worthy of your love and affection would want to have as a partner. Get your ducks in a row. Set goals, take action and make things happen. You'll feel better about yourself and you'll be attractive to kind of woman you want in your life.
This man. Enjoy your time, enjoy yourself. Get into some IC, it will help you.
How´s your dad doing?
Sending hugs with a kick in the *ss emoji. Be grateful I don´t have much time now to be around. I´m sorry for that.
(((P)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
P....I know what you are talking about as I have had problems myself with being vulnerable and tbh the dr makes me a little nervous and anxious. I think ultimately you have to fully believe that you will be just fine with or without a woman in your life. I am much more guarded now and will continue to be because of going through a D. Second it is just dating. 1 date or 2 dates or 3 dates or even 3 months being exclusive doesnt mean your getting married. When I think about it in those terms it helps ease my anxiety, helps put it into perspective, and allows me to just have fun and go with it. I still struggle with being vulnerable but I am getting better.
Ahhh thanks neff. I do like my time to myself, no issues there. I certainly do not *need* someone in my life at this point. IC I don’t know. I’ll consider it but it would be very tough to fit into my current schedule.
Thanks J! I am more than OK with or without a woman in my life. My main problem is that I want a fam and time is dripping away on that goal. If something doesn’t happen soon, I’ll def end up doing something crazy like moving far away. That’s been on my mind a lot lately. One issue that I need to overcome is that I am picky AF. I have a lot of good things going for me but I’m no George Clooney and also not 25 anymore so I need to back off that.
Another interesting thing is I used to come down and think wow... this is great... all these stories about people dating and moving on etc. Now, as I read along down here, any thread really, it hurts my desire to date. I end up with the f it attitude most of the time. Probably not good but that’s how I feel most of the time when I get done reading along down here. Just means I have to read less haha!
... let me say that that pickyness goes way beyond looks. It's a whole package type of thang.
Pinn,
I understand. For me, it’s not just looks (though that is important and does help), but it’s also emotional and spiritual. Essentially, a well-rounded woman (and as soon as I typed that I thought—not just well-rounded as in the curves sense. Sigh.)
A friend of mine from childhood / college told me that it would take a ‘very special type’ of woman for me. And I thought I had that. And depending on what happens with W and how this plays out, it could very well mean having to consider that again.
Nothing wrong with having standards, having boundaries and being true to yourself. Don’t compromise just to be with someone, and don’t ignore big, screaming red flags to be with someone just to be with someone.
