I heard all the cool kids were hanging out down here so I decided to come take a look. I like this area of the forum so much better than the others.... everyone is moving on, not much talk about ex's and the stories are way better! My kinda scene!
A real quick recap... My wife left a little over three years ago. I went dark and she came back a year later. We psuedo dated for a year but I don't think either of us could recommit 100%. So about a year ago, I filed the papers for the big D and it was finalized in December 17. We speak once every 6 weeks or so via text and I hardly ever see her. No hard feelings either side, I am over it. No kids.
OK enough of that. So why am I down here? Welp.. something has been on my mind lately. I am mid/late 30's man and my desire to date is zero.... basically non-existent. I have done a lot of work on myself during those three years and I have come a long way but you can count the number of dates I have been on one hand. And of those, probably only 2 were official dates and I knew both of those were not going any where before hand. I dabble on the sites, apps here and there and the opportunities are there. I know what I am looking for and am not interested in wasting anyones time.
Anyway, I was thinking about my lack of desire to date lately and it seems abnormal to me. My friends definitely think it is abnormal and I catch a ton of flack. So I'm trying to figure out why this is the case. I am worried that I am just using my lack of dating almost as a defense mechanism subconsciously. If I don't date I can't get hurt. Or maybe it is some weird subconscious confidence type issue? Maybe I have built a wall up and don't want to let anyone in. Or maybe it's just that I have not met the right girl? I really have no idea. My goal in life is definitely to have a family so I better get going!
What do ya'll think?? Anyone have a similar experience? Should I just date for the sake of dating??
For a while after ex left, i felt like i just wanted another relationahip so badly. So that i could do everything differently. Learn from my mistakes. Proove that i am nice. Not a emotionally abusive partner...etc, etc.
I always knew, but i am now experiencing that everyone has negative tratis. They might be different in each person, but they are still negative. And you get to the point of, " people suck. Do i really want to deal with these negative traits? Do i really want to deal with someone elses crap? Its different crap sure. But its still crap. I dont know if i built up a wall, or am choosing the wrong guys either. Or maybe im just recognizing things I didn't before.
Do you actually benefit from coupling up with someone? If not, whats the point?
Now thats how i feel at 40 with a kid. Although i always wanted another child so i understand where your coming from.
If you want a family, its a little different i guess. Although as a man, you dont have as much pressure.
I feel the exact same way, so I was happy to see I wasn’t alone and/or abnormal. 😊 I have been separated for five years and can count on one hand the dates I’ve been on. I’m just not that interested. It comes in waves where I really want to meet someone and I’ll dabble on the sites then I get bored, or busy and lose interest again. I don’t think it’s healthy for me but I don’t see why it’s wrong either.
On the other hand, if you’re wanting a family then you must start dating. Maybe going and getting involved in things you find interesting. You never know the connections you might make.
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
I am mid/late 30's man and my desire to date is zero.... basically non-existent.
pinn,
After my divorce I jumped right into dating. I thought it'd be interesting, and it was, but not in the way I'd expected.
I'm very busy with work, my sons and various projects. I have enough commitments to keep me busy for the next decade. Dating requires a lot of time, and it can become expensive as well. Now, I just focus on my sons, myself and my projects. Along the way, if I meet someone I like, then maybe I'll start dating. Otherwise, I'm just not interested in wasting my time and money. My sons and I are happy and healthy, so I don't need to torpedo my current bliss by entering into another relationship simply for the sake of being in a relationship.
I never thought about it from a guys perspective. It does get expensive. I guess if you want that person to grow old with or raise a family with it becomes a worthwhile investment. But later in life, some us are not seeking that out.
It does get very expensive. That's why doing dinner and drinks on the first meeting is not a good idea. Coffee is probably the best bet. It's cheaper, lol. Or one drink, and not dinner.
I stay mindful and try to offer to split or leave tip.
Thanks guys for chiming in. I gotta figure out what's going in this crazy lil mind of mine. It goes in all different directions sometimes and thinks crazy things. I definitely like my own time, being able to do what I want when I want etc. But I also liked being in a relationship for different reasons... I just enjoyed it. And now I am so far removed from that.... it's a little scary to be honest.
Anyway, a few weeks ago I went to London and Ireland for a friends wedding.... by myself and it was.... awesome! I explored all day/night and did what ever I want, saw what I wanted to see... there was no one else's desires to keep in mind. But my mind went back and forth between thinking this is great to gosh... it would be nice to have shared this with someone. On a tour I went on there was a newlywed couple sitting right in front of me and it definitely brought out some interesting, weird and confusing thoughts. So I have to figure this out otherwise I'll be like Liz Lemon from 30 Rock when she was worrying about dying alone in her apartment all the time ;-).
I deleted all online apps because if I am not going to do anything with them then whats the point. I also found they were taking way too much of my time. I need to break the phone habit ugh! Terrible! I have a hit on a few women IRL (in real life as the kids say). It was well received I am just a terrible judge of age apparently. Maybe just keep going that way.
I also have limited time. I have a 2 hr one way commute and live in the sticks. I can't move for a little bit. So it's tough in that regard as well. hmph!!
The more I have been thinking about it the more and more I think my lack of dating is defensive in nature...don't do it and you can't get bit type of deal. Hmph I don't know. The expense of it does not concern me. Actually,it would be nice to spend money on someone again. I think my ideal type of first date would actual be maybe a short walk or easy hike. Then we can go from there and the second one can be more elaborate. I don't think many early 30s women would be woo'd by that or a coffee date though haha! But if they were... (love eyes).
Ugh! What a day! So besides issues with XW and divorce the past three years... my parents have been a constant source of immense stress. They had their own marital issues but more so their health and mental states. My dad lost his jobs two years ago, my mom had constant health issues and passed away a year and half ago. Now my dad is having tons of health issues and losing it mentally. I live a mile away from him and feel an immense burden to look after him even though I would love to move. I would take divorce 1000x over compared to the stress I feel worrying about my parents.
Anyway, my dad is an alcoholic which made reading Don's thread on WG interesting. No one knows it really, he is fully functional but I know it, my siblings know it, and my mom sure as h3ll knew it. Probably 5+ drinks per day for 45 years or so. He had a drs appoint a few weeks and comes home saying he wants to go into detox. Great! He did everything on his own, set it all up and went in friday morning. I get a call today saying they had to send him to the hospital because the withdrawals are severe. So I thought I should go visit him. Wow! What a disaster! I cannot believe alcohol withdrawal can have that level of severe side affects. Confusion, hallucinations, shakes, anger... it was unbelievable and incredibly stressful. I probably should have not gone but that thought didn't even enter my mind before hand. I'm sure they are going to have to tie him down tonight.
So I left and I was a bit angry at my brother and sister because I feel like all of the burden is falling on me. I call my brother and tell him that... a bit angrily I admit. He was calm. I think he could get the feeling that there were other things involved beyond what I had witnessed at the hospital. Then I just lost it... i cried and cried and cried like a baby on the phone. Total mental breakdown and there was no controlling it. Just so much stuff was built up and came out. Anger at my dad for how he treated my mom, my life being a mess, and my being sad and lonely and so much more.
The sad and lonely part I did not really realize until that very instant... or at least the extent of it. I miss having someone there for comfort. I miss having someone there to tell about these types of feelings. I just miss it. I thought about it the whole hour drive home. I gotta fix it but know I am in no spot to even try to get into a serious relationship. ugh!
ahhhhhhh... and now there is this half marathon I am supposed to run first thing in the morning... in the pouring rain... jeessshhh. I didn't train because I was supposed to be in China for work so I thought I would not be able to attend... but that travel was postponed at the last minute. I'll just do it and try not to get hurt. Might be beneficial actually.
Google "DTs* or delirium tremens. It is really scary and dangerous. I think health care workers do not understand how vital good communication is when discussing alcoholism with a patient. Sometimes they just say "you need to quit drinking" without fully informing the patient about the safe way to go about doing it.. it is really scary and can cause seizures and death. Alcohol might be one of the most dangerous drugs to withdraw from...so i hope he is being monitored closely, maybe even hospitilized?
Thanks juju... yes I should have clarified. He is actually in the hospital because things are bad. I literally had no idea it would be this bad but read about it all last night. I can’t believe your body does so much to compensate for the alcohol abuse that this the result when you stop.
I like this area of the forum so much better than the others.... everyone is moving on, not much talk about ex's and the stories are way better! My kinda scene!