Need Guidance moving from new comer to MLC,

[marina7]

Thank you Kyh,Gordie and DnJ

So yes DnJ I honestly meant it, I look at W and
said.
I am sorry I caused you the pain 4yrs ago, I am sorry
I am sorry you feel that way

Because I am, I have did my dues I have apologized and cried several times.
The difference this time W didn't see tears flow down my eyes
I stood strong and focus on my kids and my goal.

Kyh, yes I have been to school introduced myself to New
Principal explained our crazy situation about d10 not having her s10 with her
Sometimes d10 breaks down and cry.

Everyone knows the school is a big support and I am grateful

But what I hate is W making it seem my kids are going crazy
Which again I just listen I try not to be involved but I can
Hear s9 arguing with W s9 says your such a liar. Why you lie.
I am guessing W said something that tick them off.

Gordie,
Your right everything I have said and actions have been
from my heart.

I am sorry because I did have an emotional affair 2014
I am sorry I broke W trust
I am sorry I made her feel she wasn't good enough for me

I also know I can't go back in time I only can change me as a person I am human now I
Am paying for it. Is sad W doesn't see it that way

[OneArt]

Marina, you are not judged for your mistake. We are all imperfect people simply tying to do our best. Remember they all have reasons for doing what they did and even when they have nothing legitimate, they make them up. I do not understand why the mediator would question that. What could possibly be wrong in saying it. I hope she got a similar. chiding for what she has said and done.

[marina7]

OneArt,

Well one thing mediator said was
There is still lots of hurts from past and I see the love.

I was quite, W yeld hell No I will never ever be back with you,
I hate you I wish I can move across country.

Again I was quite I let W vent and mediator then told me she felt
W needed to get that ok.

Again I was quiet.

In my opinion mediator is more like trying to be a therapist.
I again will do what I have to do to show court that I am here for our kids

Yes there is lot of hurt, I know when W ask me for
us to go to marriage counseling I said No. I wasn't ready I was in denial with myself

I must say the last 4yrs I had a awakening, I had a seizure because I didn't know I
had MS and fell in my face breaking my face literally going into a coma brain swelled
I thank God everyday for my 2nd chance in life. Now I must admit that was my awakening
Falling in my face and almost losing my life.

I again thank God for my blessings. And when I was ready for the change
that's when W started pulling away detaching herself around 2016 from us 4.


So now I am here taking it a day at a time. W keeps looking at the past. Mediator
is all about family. And W showing her tears made mediator cry mediator I guess
felt bad for W.

And far for me I was quite and didn't say much and I didn't tear at all when W spilled her guts
I just listen to it all and yes W is very much hurting for what I did. But also I was blamed for everything
W is miserable because of me, W didn't take no blame

Again I hope mediator sees what's best for kids, and I have been working on myself the last year. I also
Found out W just started therapy herself so let's see if therapy will help her through this crisis.

[OneArt]

I imagine your demeanor in being quiet and not showing emotion was unsettling to her, as she can see you are not falling apart and waiting for her return. I'm sure standing up for yourself in the case is also unnerving, particularly if you let her have her way often in the relationship. I have the opposite dynamic. I took care of everything, made all the decisions (because he never really participated and things had to get done), and was the strong one. I think seeing me be quiet, patient, and avoiding emotions in my communication is unsettling him.

[DnJ]

marina7 – I am glad you honestly meant it and you can see that you do.

I have read more than a few times how you are blaming yourself due to your actions from 4 years ago.

This is going to be hard to accept at first.

You did not cause W’s current actions; you did not cause her MLC.

W is very much hurting for what I did.

You past actions did hurt her, I get that. Her current behavior and actions are not that of a rational person. She is suffering MLC. If she wasn’t with you, she would still be off the deep end, just blaming something or someone else. Her hurt is probably from something long from her past, many years before she even knew you.

She is blaming you to justify her behavior. You are not the cause of her MLC. I do not even think you are the trigger. I think you said she had forgiven you before and is now bringing it up.

Realize this and forgive yourself. Her pain is not of your doing.

(((marina7)))

DnJ

[marina7]

OneArt,

Yes I also wonder that if W thought I was going fly off.
I will admit having kids change me and also having a awakening
When W and I met I was very inpatient no patients at all I needed things my way
But having 3 kids changes us parent for good or worse.

My kids all changed me for good.
S10 taught me unconditional love and I was in charge of a little person
D10 taught me the caring side the nurturing side of me.
S9 omg has taught me Patience he can make you want to lose your
Mind but he also teaches me to be your own person. He
Has a beautiful side of him. No care in the world

So yes when W goes into her tantrum W says always come on bring that
Old person I met, which is weird to hear W say that. Is like taunting me
Like poking a lion.

Is crazy sometimes to see W behavior,
I was more of the finance part made sure we budget and bills paid on time
W work, and spend and made the vacation plans and shopping and school things.

I won't lie this process made me realize I should been involved more in there life.
I was more of the fun parent I felt bad for working so much so when W would call
I would roll over to anything W wanted and kids, this is why W got her way so much. I always said
Happy Wife Happy Life..... lol

DnJ

You absolutely right before meditation I was in that place
W crisis not my circus not my monkeys
But seeing W break down W has just been monstrous and seeing her
Blaming me and rewrote our story literally W said
You controlling, you controlled me, you kept me away from family
I was so in shock because I was the opposite I would ask W have you spoken
to your parents W would answer No I would encourage call them. So
When W said all this I even question the last 10yrs I literally ask myself was I really
controlling but having a week to cool off no I just gave W my opinion

I need to focus back on me and kids. W needs to figure this out

As I told the therapist and there's in this Process W is F***ing up our life


I also realized the last 8 months that I'll take 51% of marriage breaking down.
The reason I say 51% is because my 1% in emotional affair but I also know I ask
For forgiveness to God, W and W parents even my step mom I knew I was wrong

Also in mediation W said OW and her where together after leaving but before that they where just Friends hahahaha
I mean really we are already separated just admit to your affair. W says it's not an affair because we
Separated around February or March... again wtf wow. I just nodded in disbelief.

Starting divorce group and divorce group for kids
I think ArtOne is right W saw me not broken in mediation
Before meditation I cried myself till no more tears took everyone advice and stood strong
So W didn't see that coming.

Thank you again for everyone advice

Question W uncle has a takwando studio kids always went
They stop going but they want to go. I emailed them like a business ask for price
He responded saying come in miss you guys. So should I go or stay away.

[OneArt]

It's for the kids. They want to go. Take them.

If we all took 51% of the responsibility for the breakdown in our marriages, there would be fewer divorces.

Yes, take care of the kids and show that quiet resolve. That's the best thing you can do for all of you right now.

[Kyh]

I agree, I think it would be good for your kids. Ive found dealing w/ex inlaws isn’t bad if that was your hesitation.

[DnJ]

Kids want to go. Take them. It is great that they are wanting to go.

[marina7]

OneArt,Kyh and DnJ

Thank you once again,

Yes my gut told me take them. I am mature enough to know kids have nothing to do with this.

If you read my story quick recap Kids and I don't have family at all.
W family lives here. After BD I tried to reach out to MIL, but of course no answer
Couple weeks later W said stop calling my family they don't want nothing with you or kids.

But I also know believe 50% what they say and do. But I also stayed away because I don't want drama.
I can't imagine what W has told family but I know W mask is coming off as S10 says he hasn't been
to any family house just OW family.

I know the truth will come out but I also know that's there daughter
and I don't expect them to take my side. Or even hear it.

One day I will reach them out if W ever goes dark.
I know s10 said I miss grandma and grandpa W hasn't been over in 2 months
Let's say W goes dark I will send a text message saying they could see and call kids anytime.

So therapist gave me her thoughts of W and I going to therapy together due to W monstering
therapist feels am still in process of healing and feels this will take me back to where I was a year
Ago, blaming myself alot. Therapist realized I am taking blame again.

I explained that I might go one time to listen to W for W to know I acknowledge her feelings but I need to
Walk away from this.

And me writing this just now I can't believe I am saying this, I must walk away for my insanity W
can't take me with her in this rollercoaster ride. I also don't see W taking her responsibility W
has said it in mediation is my pride. I realized when you LOVE your spouse and kids there is No
Pride. Pride has to put away.

As I said we start again divorce group and divorce group for kids, last year it help US alot. The different
stages we go through. I'll be honest anger hasn't hit me yet. And not sure it will. Many will ask Why
Because life is to short. I have forgiven myself for not making W my priority. Also
I have forgiven W because for me to work on myself I needed to forgive those
who hurt me and that was my family and W.

Today a friend who been in my life the last year ask me is there any chance you W can work
It out. Without hesitation I said No. Not because I don't love her I will always love W.

Because I can't let W break us again. I have read many WAW and MLC could go back
And walk away again when times get tough and I know times will get tougher
as I have MS I know one day I will need someone who will not walk away when
times get tough or when teenagers get tougher I took my vows seriously through
Good and Bad. And W will never be able to handle us.

Now kids start takwando next week. And sports and all good stuff. So
Looking forward to all the amazing things they will accomplish this year.