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marina7 Offline OP
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Thank you kyh,DnJ

Yes you are right and that's been my problem anxiety gets the best of me. And then anger how can W separate kids and Illinois law failed me making me jump through hoops to get our son back and keep kids together. Is just sad.

Ok I'll write more headings to more therapy.

And trying to prepare myself for tomorrow not to show W tears, stay firm on what my proposal is to keep our trio's together.


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 404
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marina7 Offline OP
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Kyh,
I see you had a GAL, any advice you will give.

I am staying positive and focusing on the topic
and reason for mediation which is keeping the Trios together

W yesterday sent me a text, I might over read it wrong but W text was

W. S10 is off school Monday would you like to keep him an
extra day, and from now on I would like to have every other holiday.
M yes I would love to have our son.

This is usually our conversation or text. W ways
W will give but wants something in return.
I didn't respond to holidays because I feel
GAL will make best decision for kids

Also our kids are young but all three have made it clear they love W
But Thanksgiving,Xmas and New years and all special holidays
for them they want to be with me.

So in Illinois when kids turn 13 yrs old they make decisions themselves
I am wondering do I give W the holidays W wants and wait till
Kids old enough or keep doing what's best for kids and GAL advice

I just want to show GAL and judge what's best for kids.
I just want kids happy. I know our children's need
both parents. Even though W has treated us horrible
this is not my feelings is my kids feelings.

This is New to me. I also know judge and GAL see a healthy relationship with
Kids can't be to over protective with kids.

I'll be honest holding my tears will be hard. I am very
Emotional when it comes to kids W knows that.

How can I not cry knowing the hurt W caused our kids

Less than 19hrs away from Mediation
I'll take all advice I can.


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
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DnJ Offline
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Some practicalities - get a good night sleep, being well rested and alert will pay off huge. Show up a bit early, plan it that way incase traffic or something happens you won’t be stressed about being late (you have enough stress already don’t add to it). As for stress, let it go. What will happen - will happen. You are prepared and ready, I do not believe cramming for an exam works. Be sincere and remember why you are there, keep it together you are way stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Kyh Offline
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Hi Marina,

The GAL told me most of the time she sees cases of people tattling on each other and things turn into he said she said. It goes without saying but don’t get sucked into that. I always made sure I never talked bad about ex (I never have or will though) and that the concerns I brought up about ex were valid. Ex fulfilled my concerns so that showed a lot to the GAL. I also owned up to anything I should, none of us are perfect and they know that. I don't Know how much your GAL talked to your kids but mine came to our house and met with them several times both with me or ex or the two of them. Hopefully yours spoke with your trio. I don’t know how many times we met, she called a lot of people to ask about ex and I.

I also printed all of ex’s crazy emails and gave my journal to the GAL during our initial meetings. I’m not saying to go in with accusations or anything but be to able to back up anything you say.

If you need to, make a list of discussion points etc as things are easy to forget in meetings like this.

Try to stay calm and collected, and be yourself it will speak volumes.

You’re going to do great tomorrow! You've got this! Will be thinking of you and your trio.


Last edited by Kyh; 08/31/18 12:32 AM.
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job Offline
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Good luck today! Stay calm, keep your voice level and hold your head up high. You've done nothing wrong.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Kyh Offline
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Hi Marina,

How are you doing?

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marina7 Offline OP
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Thank you kyh,DnJ and job for supportive words.

Well must say Illinois law us 50/50 no matter if one parent is doing wrong or whatever the case is. Just to update during mediation W blame me for everything,

W, You broke me I will not allow you anymore to bully me and control me. You are horrible to me. I freaking loved you I worshipped the ground you walk in. No more I am done we will never be together. I know what I want. Blah blah

M I am sorry you feel that way.

W. You see your heartless. Only God knows if something ever happens to you I would die. You mean everything to us.

M quite.

Mediation. I recommend Therapy for both of you there's lots of hurt W.
W No I am angry
Mediation you both need therapy I am recommending both only you and W.

W crying uncontrollably

M holding tears. Using my marbles and meditation while mediator is talking.

Well in all this W is hurting kids. Little did I know W has been in contact with biological parents of trios and says kids should meet them. Wtf and guess what I can't do nothing not even I can stop it as long W is there at visit and supervised.

Basically I must sit back and let W F up kids life. While W destroying life I must be the glue for my kids.
Mediation agree kids must stay together so now is either I move to be W neighbor or W moves to be mines so kids will be 1 week on and off. And if trios want to see W or me during any of our weeks they can.


Hahaha this is a f***ing nightmare. Mediator called me because I was quite I basically said what is there to say. As long our kids are together. Mediator said there's lots of hurt and I see you both love your kids alot. And my opinion this marriage can be saved......

Nope nope nope ... W is a narcissist really controlling and can manipulate everyone. One minute I broke her She hates me so much she would move away but W said I can't because of kids. Then W says if anything happens to you I would die. Yes I am sick I have seizures and MS I just had spine surgery more to come.

What I wanted to say wow when you really love someone you don't hurt them.

To me it was a waste not once W acknowledged her 50 percent, W said I kept kids away, I told her to take s10 I keep kids away. Everything was my fault. I honestly will tell you that I did shut down.

I came from a chaos family physically and mentally Abused so when W yells screams and waves hands around I emotionally shut down. During mediation that is exactly what happen. I must hang in co parenting with a narcissist or mlc or whatever W is but in the process I am being mentally drained. I cried all weekend even thinking must I walk away from my kids to save me. I am depressed I feel W wins we are 50/50 we must be neighbors for kids. But in this process I am going to go crazy myself. with W.

Again Illinois law changed 2yrs ago there's no such thing as full custody or anything is 50/50 not even if a parent is f up. Welcome to my world. Lol I must laugh or cry about this.


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 577
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Kyh Offline
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Hi again,
I’m glad to read your trio will be together! I’m sorry it didn’t go like you wanted and about her projection but keeping the kids together was the most important thing. I know it seems like it will be hard but you will grow and become stonger from this than you ever could’ve imagined. Don’t sit back and let w f up the kids lives! you can’t control what your ex does but you can grow and be a stable person for your kids and they will pick it up immediately, and the real payoff is long-term.

The coparenting (whatever that is) will work out, sometimes i think ex and I are coparenting and other times it’s single parenting and mlc ex spouse management. It can change like a switch and it’s not easy but as you detach from your situation things will keep getting better. You’re going to be okay:) focus on what you got and try to catch up on your rest. You’ll feel better and see things more clear when you do (at least I did), the GAL decision takes so long and it drains you every second of it.

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Marina,

I see a lot of catastrophizing going on in your post, and I think that is probably understandable in view of it having just happened, but things are likely to be nowhere as bad as you fear and not as good as you had hoped.

Mediation is not normally binding. If you don't like what has been agreed to, talk to your lawyer about the chance to get something different from the court in view of the events that have transpired. Mediators do generally try to split the proverbial baby. I quickly looked at the statute (and practice there may deviate) but they can give more decision-making power to one parent and can change residential time if the circumstances warrant.

Keep in mind too that just because she may get half custody, does not mean that is what she will use. She may turn out to be flaky and take them only a fraction of the time. Three kids 9/10 would be very difficult for anyone to handle, even in the best of circumstances.

Also, try not to see the children meeting the bio parents as a bad thing. Adopted children always have those questions: who are they, what are they doing, why didn't they want me, are there other children. Sometimes seeing someone for yourself in all of their foibles is best. They will not romanticize what has transpired. Sounds like your kids do really see what is going on and really do understand who is the supportive parent. I think you just keep showing that through your actions.

You may find that you like having some time to yourself to recharge, heal from your ailments, work, seek entertainment, etc.

Document, document, document. If you find that things are as bad as you imagine, then move for a modification. As far as I know, child support and custody are always modifiable because it is understood that circumstances do change.

Try to focus on the positives. If you do resolve the issue through mediation, you save the time and money of court. You have reunited the children, which you've said was your goal. You've secured alone time with all the children. I assume there were also some resolutions on the financial side of things.

Now for a gentle 2x4. Still too much care going on about the W. She fired you. She is a mess. She is going to do what she is going to do. You can't change the outcome on your own. Only time and distance will tell you where this ends. Keep working on detachment and focusing on your, your kids, and that unit's happiness.

Now be proud of yourself for being an advocate for your kids and for fighting for what is right. Be happy you've made it through this stage. Enjoy them. The time goes by faster and faster the older they get.

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marina7 Offline OP
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OneArt,

Yes I am upset who wouldn't be, W left kids and then separated them and now W is the Victim.

Ok I am learning I can't control W actions. Yes kids are together that is what I wanted.
That was the most important thing to me for our kids to be together and they will be.

Now I have to move due to W is in a better school district. That's the part is upsetting but I also understand
is for the kids.

The tunnel I am in all I see is my kids in it. Everything I have to do is for the Trios.


Look I am not a dumb woman I know kids will have to meet biological parents
I always knew that but I also said when kids where old enough to understand.
I the last year W has shock these kids I can't imagine the struggles my kids
Keeping that secret of not to tell me. W is teaching them to keep secrets and big ones.
S10 cried hos eyes out apologizing to me. I am sorry I never want to meet the people that hirt me but W
is making me. Of course I just hold him in the process saying is ok. You will be ok. I am here.

Yes kids should meet their biological parents no doubt but when the time was right for them they
Only 10yrs old and 9yrs old. Give them the choice to say yes or No.

But is done there's nothing I can do but be there for them.

I also agree I been in therapy for 10 months I have been healing and mentally getting stronger and
Realizing my mistakes in my relationship and owning up to my 51% .

Now since mediation we must go to therapy together W and I because mediator said there's alot of hurt here
And you both need it.

Ok, so again I will go to show mediator I am here for our children's so I
can learn to communicate with W. But all I hear in W is you, you broke me
Is because of you I am miserable. Blah blah. Now how can I take care of me
whem now w and I go to therapy and all the progress I have done I must now relieve
my past again.

I am just frustrated. I wish W would vanish like some other
Mlc or waw is easier then having someone constantly their.


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
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