Need Guidance moving from new comer to MLC,

[marina7]

Journaling,

Well after W text last night we met today at drop off. I was very nice still. W ask how d10 was feeling but d10 is with me so why not ask our daughter after giving s10 a hug and saying see you Friday buddy. W ask can we talk. Again W is different person not sure who I get. So I ask my kids guys go in car and wait. I waited till door closed

W why do you gotta always make me look like a bad mom
M I am not I am making sure our kids are physically and mentally ok I need to be there lighthouse
W you make it seem like am a horrible mom
M sorry you feel that way I am just trying my best to keep kids together that's all just trying to be there for them
W says please stop telling kids I had a great childhood you don't know what I went through or gone through.
M I am sorry you feel that way. But they are only 10 and 9yrs old I don't think our kids needs to hear your dad is an alcoholic and beat your mom for 18yrs and you where sexually abused by family member, I am sorry they only kids but I also know that one day our children's will have to know the truth but at the moment they are only kids
W silence
M again sorry that you think that I think you had a great childhood I acknowledge what you went through and you as a child shouldn't have that happen. Now you understand why I want our kids to know that life isn't perfect but also give them the childhood you didn't have that was rob from you. Again am sorry.
W silence
M ok have a good day
W ok let me know how she keeps feeling

Now I honestly don't know what stage W is in but I also have came to the conclusion I have ro learn to live life without W her childhood might be so damaging W maybe will never face her demons. But my faith is strong I know with God anything is possible.

As I stated before this is hard I always been a fixer and to see W so broken I break behind close doors. I ask God and talk with him. Please God help her fight this our kids need her, I freaking miss W I do but is this damage to much I ask myself.

I just want to hug her and say W your safe with me I got you I promise I won't hurt you or let anyone ever hurt you I am here now I promise. But I know I can't I just have to sit there and maybe if that day ever come the lighthouse light will still be on waiting for her return.

Tomorrow is another day, One day at a time

[DnJ]

Hi marina7

Good thing you purchased the school supplies. A lot of times the MLCer flakes out and you can’t count on them. If it is something that needs to get done, best you do it.

Sorry you got some nasty texts. I think you know it is par for the course.

Good for you to realize that you never know who you are going to get. They do change, and sometimes really quick - like in one sentence.

For you most recent conversation, a little advice / suggestions. Don’t worry you did fine, just some tips for next time.

W why do you gotta always make me look like a bad mom
M I am not I am making sure our kids are physically and mentally ok I need to be there lighthouse

Do not argue with her. Pretty much anything that starts with “I am not” is going to increase confrontation. She also doesn’t want an answer, well not the real answer.

Try thinking of her as an angry teenager. Imagine a teen asking “why you always gotta make me look like a bad kids by being in my face about loading the dishwasher?”. So an answer “I am not in your face I am just trying to make the house clean and ensure there are dishes for tomorrow.” Is probably just going to make everyone p!ssed off and not get the dishwasher loaded any better in the future.

Did you notice she how absolute she is? ‘You gotta always”. Really always? Hmmm. It is her view of reality and that is all that matters to her. Validation is a tricky thing.


W you make it seem like am a horrible mom
M sorry you feel that way I am just trying my best to keep kids together that's all just trying to be there for them

Good job on acknowledging her feelings. However you telling her how you are trying to keep kids together is too much for her. Don’t worry she knows she is a horrible mom, she can’t face it and is trying to blame you.

Maybe something like “I am sorry you feel that way. I did not realize. What can I do differently?” Of course she may have answered that below.


W says please stop telling kids I had a great childhood you don't know what I went through or gone through.
M I am sorry you feel that way. But they are only 10 and 9yrs old I don't think our kids needs to hear your dad is an alcoholic and beat your mom for 18yrs and you where sexually abused by family member, I am sorry they only kids but I also know that one day our children's will have to know the truth but at the moment they are only kids

I get that you want to tell her all that, plus a whole lot more (I know I sure want too with my W). She can’t take it.

She is talking about her childhood. Listen. Really listen. She will tell you lots.

“You are right, I do not know what you went through as a child. I am sorry, I will stop.” That may be a better approach.


W is self centred, selfish, and will not be able to see things from a different viewpoint. Her conversation is about her, it is what she wants to talk about. Validate her as best you can. You don’t have to agree or condone, just make her view valid, to let her know you see her viewpoint.

She is angry. The nasty texts, accusing you of bullying, and so on. It is tough to take. However she does need to get it out of her system. Let her vent. Stay calm, and do not give her any justification. You are doing well with this. If she pushes too far and gets disrespectful you can call her on it and end the conversation.

As I said, you are doing well, that was just some ideas for next time.

I just want to hug her and say W your safe with me I got you I promise I won't hurt you or let anyone ever hurt you I am here now I promise. But I know I can't I just have to sit there and maybe if that day ever come the lighthouse light will still be on waiting for her return.

This ^^^. I understand the pain, sorrow, and missing her - I really do. You need to work pass this. There is no easy way, going through it is the only way to the other side.

Do not “I just have to sit there...” -

You keep moving forward.

You live life fully and keep focus on you and the kids.

You work on detachment.

You be the best you will be.

You be that lighthouse.

And most important, You do it for you.

(((marina7)))

[peacetoday]

Hi Marina

Dealing with childhood issues is very painful
Many people in MLC or not will never dare to go back to such painful memories and try to heal-
Many say MLC is caused by unresolved childhood trauma


You did excellent in the conversation
You can not fix her-

We as the LBS have to be the light for our kids
Usually, the MLC can offer nothing as the way of a parent
Sometimes they can share the co parenting, but I rarely see this on these boards

Bottom line is continue to work on you
Prepare to let her go, she may return, you will get more information as time goes on
But usually the MLC gets worse, before better
some will never recover-

[marina7]

DnJ

Thank you so much,

Yes I realize it after I got in the car I was like dam it.... but also I am scared that W will spill her guts to kids about her childhood I wanted W to know you can't tell our kids this they are to young only 10 yrs old and 9yrs old all 3 are so young. But I also know that W is not herself

I won't lie it hurted ao bad about that text the bullying part and controlling part. Not sure why because I never did. But the thought that W literally rewrote our stort it sadden me. I till this day respect W have never called W out her name always made sure W and kids where my first priority.

Is like when I seen W and W said about her childhood I honestly been her protector I wanted to say " I am here your safe I got you I wouldn't ever never let anyone hurt you" but I knew I can't at this moment.

I knew what W has gone through 10yrs ago when we got serious I knew all this so this was a reason I didn't drink I wanted W to see I will never be an alcoholic. Or ever touch her I tried not to raise my voice or stand in front of her when we argued because I knew what W did to her mom. I made sure I never did anything to make W feel insecure or even a little hence that I would hurt her.

Crazy after all I did I still wasn't good enough or to good for W.

Well d10 had a break down last night my three kids are like me when it comes to solutions and being fixers.
D10 mommy why did mom ask how I was when I was there. Is like mom doesn't want to talk to me she hates me
M big hug for d10 kiss in forehead let her cry and scream while d10 hug me tight.
M to d10 you want answers
D10 yes why why did mom just leave us
M you had to grow up really quick the last yr and 5 months and we might never get answers because guess what am also that way I need answers you have one of my traits you three have to remember something always that I am learning myself. " Is not your fault, you did nothing there was nothing you or your brother's or me that could have made mom stay.
D10 am scared mommy you might leave us too
M is ok to fear and be scared and my job is to remind you I will never go anywhere, I am here forever and guess what you three are stuck with this mommy.
D10 chuckle, laugh and squeeze me tight
M remember one day at a time and not your fault
D10 will mom ever be back to herself
M d10 I have told you three I will never lie to you, I don't have the answer to that question but remember with God always anything is possible.
D10 mommy thank you for everything you do and making sure we are safe and caring for us.
M d10 thank you for recognizing me I am trying my best. I know as a parent I will never be perfect but am trying one day at a time
D10 mommy you are perfect.
M thank you my little Angel
D10 mommy is ok to cry
M tears running down my face I know I just don't like doing it in front of you three but I do. I am hurt also like you and saf and mad and I want answers but I am learning that we may never get answers.
D10 yeah I learning from you alot. You have lots of patience for Mom, she is mean
M sorry you feel that way
D10 one more hug before night night
M ok big hug

I tucked s9 to bed
S9 Thank you mommy
M welcome baby
S9 good night
M good night my sweet boy

I look over and s10 bed empty I walk downstairs with tears running down my face, telling myself this is just not right. Is sad to not have s10 with us. I know there's a plan and court soon. But the thought W did this I thought it was ok and we are now at court about to go to trial and knowing W might be seen as unfit parent and could never see our children again makes me sick. I know that I never intentionally wanted to hurt W but I also know I am a mom first kids come first I tried very hard to do this without court or cps but W cause this by trying to take s10 and his sibilings away from each other. I know am doing the right thing. It just still hurts to know things had to go this far. W might lose everything I know she loves.

[marina7]

Peace,
Thank you for your kind words.

I am now a little scare of W spilling her guts to our kids about her childhood. I honestly can't imagine if W does how would kids react.

I know what W been through we talk about this 10yrs ago I knew dad was alcoholic, I was told by MIL did W tell you her dad beat me every day almost while W was having emergency surgery mil thought this was the time to tell me all this I now think MIL was going scare me away but I stood besides W. During marriage I would see MIL putting W and her sibilings against each other. I knew this before we adopted kids. I knew W and I had a strong bond because W knew about my childhood never kept secret and I knew about W childhood unfortunately some of us are stronger and wiser I have stayed away from my biological mom and family because they are almost like W family they cause more damage then doing good.

Where W always wants to please mom and dad. I thought because W was a Marines W was mentally stronger but I guess I was so wrong I thought we could have overcome all our childhood demons. I wanted us to be what our parents were not. But I only fooled myself.


DnJ

Thank you again as you can see am afraid W will vent her childhood to our kids all I can do is pray to God that W will not tell them at the moment. I know one day they will have to know my childhood and W childhood but just not right they to young and already going through so much.

I honestly feel and also told my therapist. I think W wants our kids to hurt like she hurted when W was a child. So sad

Thank you again all my brothers and sisters in here I am just a LBS trying to survive in this world and being a better person for my kids. I take all advice as you reaI have no many families I can count on. I do have an amazing step mom that's been there for me but also I know she is a mom that hates to see her daughter hurting and grandkids so I try to not say much my step mom lives in Texas. And mom has ask me to move over there with kids but unfortunately that is one of W demands not move out of state with children's unless she moves WTF I can't move but if you then I can.

[marina7]

Journaling,

When I think W might realize what she has done is wrong separating kids, leaving us. W is back as BD.

As we know court soon. S10 started school I ask for pictures nothing. Then I called s10 yesterday to talk to him and d10 and s9 to speak with him. I didn't get a call after 9pm then W text pretending she didn't know kids had a schedule. For 9yrs our kids been in bed scheduled. I simply replied they in bed at 8:30. W monstering text as this.

W I didn't know kids have a schedule, also I will not be available for you to speak to s10 as I have work and a life, I also shouldn't give you any reasons. And at your beck and call. Also I ask you to remain flexibility as the situation arise. Also I am not ok not able to speak with my children there you go keeping them from speaking with me. Also I don't want kids speaking to each other about how they going be together one day. You should stop them from talking when this is not set stone in court. Thank you.

Sooooo ummmmm nope I didn't even replied sorry there is nothing to say to W. As I know W is once again isolating s10 once again from me and his siblings is so sad. I have reread W text contradicted everything literally. W wants to have a life but I am suppose to be available when W calls or text. I am now confirmed W is to far gone. I know theirs many stages so will you say W is in reply. This was W last year keeping kids away from each other not letting me speak with him. I am at all.

And in the process our kids hurting d10 crying herself to sleep her brother is her twin she misses him s9 acting up. And in process W can only think of herself her life.

As I said I simply don't have any words to say to W,
W has always felt she is above the law
W doesn't care of the consequences and am done trying to protect her from kids hearing any negativity I try so hard to make so many excuses when W f up.

I am truly done there is no hope for even us to be friends or business partners W is off her rockers.

[job]

Your wife feels entitled and wants you to be available for her at any time and whenever she needs something. She is very selfish and she is using your s10 to get to you. My advice document everything. If you can, print off the emails and text messages so that you have written proof of her behavior.

The one thing that stands out to me is that she wants s10 all to herself and doesn't want to share his time and attention w/the others and w/you. Yes, people in crisis do this...they select one child and that's it to care about.

I suspect that she's still angry and resentful that her life hasn't been a bed of roses and she has a mix of replay in the mix. However, if she is in full blown replay, she would be doing a whole lot of stuff to satisfy her urge for happiness.

If she posts again, just say "I am sorry you feel that way". She is pushing you to fight w/her in order to justify what she's doing. I would suggest that you stop making excuses for her when she fxcks up. It's her circus to deal w/and definitely her monkeys. Keep your side of the street clean and do the best you can when you have the children. I wouldn't share too much w/them, but if they ask questions, answer them as best you can.

I am so sorry she's monstering, but some of them are this way.

[peacetoday]

Hi Marina

The parenting thing is difficult
You seem like you are doing a good job-
you are there for them-
All the kids need is one available grounded parent and they usually will let go of the MLCer
Continue to be the rock for your kids

Im sorry W has taken S10- that must be so painful-
I hope the situation will resolve for the best-

I have raised my kids alone from ages 5 and 11
they are now 17 and 23
They are both doing very well-

Things do eventually resolve and usually in the favor of the LBS
As time goes on the MLCer gets worse and many will let go of all responsibility and kids to LBS
I hope that will be the case for you-
hang in there

[marina7]

Thank you again,

Job
Yes that is something I knew W used her military back ground alot. Also her race especially whats going on about the Trump wall.

W uses everything to her advantage is pretty crazy. We are different cultures but one thing I know I raise our kids Americans because we are in America. W believes are very different. I can see where W wants to raise s10 her family way.

Also s10 is very quiet not out spoken stays to himself. Tries to avoid conflict he is alot like me. W always controlled everything.

Peace,
Yes, when having kids involved is hard. I can say I am not sure I would be here if no kids where not involved.

I do love my W but I am no longer in love with W , W has caused so much hurt and damage is crazy.

I am getting as much help from support groups, reading, therapy and church for us to get through this. I won't lie is hard. Being sick and raising kids but I been doing it for over a year

I am not sure if W will get better or even worse W had two open case with CPS W hurt s9 unfortunately the child system has failed us. Basically he said, she said. I am not sure how worse this can get. But nothing surprises me anymore.

I am learning not to reply to text when W starts monstering or walk away. As I told my lawyers I no longer can entertain W.

My focus is our children's to raise them my best so our kids will not grow up and they go through a MLC themselves this is my fear due to W behavior and actions will affect our kids future. D10 and s9 feels W hates them because she chose s10. So I know this will be a issue in the future so this is a topic we talk in therapy. I just want them to have a normal childhood. And simply be kids.

[marina7]

Journaling,

I wonder sometimes when will this nightmare be over or dealing with W.
Anything I do or say W goes off unfortunately I need to keep W updated on kids.
Pickup s10 has sore in mouth and positive on strep throat. W response to text.

M s10 has strep now all kids are in antibiotics please her them new toothbrushes.
W. When did you take, what time why is they always sick with you. You always making me look bad blah blah.

No response at all. First strep throat takes days for them to get I just pick up s10 with
Sores in mouth and fever. How in the hell I am making up.

Now I also know kids are under stress of course they are sick.
Everytime when I think finally things are going get better W has a way of snapping
Instead of simply saying OK.

I do lots of reading, therapy and groups sometimes I wonder if we be better
If W just vanish like W did in the beginning. I know it will be hard on kids but
This is ridiculous the back and forth.

It so hard having a MLC and having young kids involved. There's no way I can
Go dark or no contact. Is so hard to have a GAL I pray soon court be over and Kids and
I can move on with life. Kids and I need it. We need peace