Gordie 21 going with my gut

[roist]

Gordie

I have three points regarding your last posting.

1. Whenever she comes to you and opens up, she needs to feel heard. So reread the validation threads. Just like a WAS that has left you need to capitalise on those occasions which are fsrcsnd few between. With a live in MLCerthose other interactions can over cloud such moments and opportunities get missed.
To feel fully heard she probably would like you to share your reaction to what she said. I would refrain from that for the moment. Concentrate more on understanding what she's saying and letting her know that. Your side of things can be shared when conditions are better. One exception I would see is if she repeats an initiative to share your bed. That one you need to control and express your thoughts. Not indeptly, just to say that under current circumstances that may not be best. You know best how things really are. My viewpoint tells me not to rush that one, even though it is surely what you want long-term.

2. Keep a journal. Jot down things she says mainly into two categories
a) stuff she likes, wants, etc
b) stuff she dislikes.
Use this stuff to guide you in your interactions . Can also help with gift ideas. This is a tool mote for healthy Ms but could be helpful. I mentioned it in my last thread.

3. Reread Sandi's threads. WAW can say and do a lot to achieve what they want. Until undeniably proven by consistent actions over a prolonged period, take each step in the right direction with caution. Some are manipulative. Others just don't know fully what they want. Either way thread slowly. The advice given here about it being up to the WAS to prove themselves is not simply about who takes the first syeps.I believe the WaS has to undergo a process where they want to be with the lbs. If the way back is too easy, they avoid this decision process and risk decidin

What would it tske for you to be ready to accept her on your room again?


Best wishes

[DnJ]

Gordie - thanks for the kind words.

I think we are close in age. I am 51 and I put you in the last half of 40’s. Story if I am wrong... I mean it was a typo, I put you in the first half of 40’s.

Going with your gut. I liked your title and understood you meaning. Lead by your convictions and beliefs not feelings, yep follow your gut.

Awareness is a big first step, be patient more will be revealed with time. Btw I am not sure it’s you that needs to dig out of that hole.

[Gordie]

Roist and DNJ

Thank you

1 agree she needs to feel heard one of her biggest needs and one where I previously failed so totally agree which is why it takes such effort for me to just listen and keep my mouth shut

2 journaling very good idea and part of why I post here but I do not post all the details and more intimate stuff

3 I remain cautious and do believe her actions are sincere but it has been six months of her moving closer to me so feel whatever is going on is genuine and not manipulative

DNJ we are closer in age than you suspect

And point taken on who needs to dig out of what hole

[Gordie]

Journaling



One morning she came into my room when I was still asleep

I sensed her presence and stirred and then she touched me and left



I accepted one of her invitations on your advice

It was an activity I would never choose

And was with some of her new friends

So none of them knew who I was

And they asked me

And I said I was her H

And they were very surprised

Said they did not know w was married

I just rolled with it and had a good time

[DnJ]

Gordie - omg I am currently 50, not 51. Man I must be getting old, forgot my own age. When I saw my signature line I just laughed and shook my head.

Hey a new activity with W and at her invitation. I am thinking it probably felt a little weird in that situation. Good for you for handling it so well. And you say you even had a good time. I am happy for you.

Keep moving slowly, inch by inch.

Are your kids ready for school?

My two are all set. It is crazy! S17 is all outfitted with supplies for university. D16 has all her supplies set for grade 12. What the h3ll? Where is the last minute stress? The emergency run to the store for some binder they just can’t live without? Ha.

Well atleast they have messy room so they are normal teens for that part.

[Gordie]

51 or 50 who is counting

Yes I knew it was going to be somewhat awkward

So just decided to go with the flow

Looked good was upbeat and cheerful and enjoyed myself

When she went to the powder room her friends who did not know she was married started asking me some questions but I just kind of laughed them off

Afterward she said she was glad that I had come and asked me how I felt

I said I appreciated the invitation and enjoyed myself

Yes kids are getting ready for back to school

Oldest to college

And then the younger ones still at home

W is reconnecting with kids more and being more active in back to school prep

No post vacation distancing so still moving in the right direction

Inch by inch

Patience patience patience

This really does take longer than you think

I was looking up at Mars the other week

And thinking of you praying

And just let my awe of the universe open me up

[sjohns6]

Wow, Gordie. It sounds like things are still going the right way. Thats great news. I know the reality of how slow it moves is probably hard to accept, but accept it we must.

What kind of questions did Ws friends ask that you laughed off?

My kids are almost ready for school too. Supplies are good, but I still need to get out to the uniform shop for their clothes. They are growing so fast I wanted to wait till the last minute to get them. I was afraid if I bought them too early that they'd be grown out of them by the time school started

I also have been watching Mars recently. Wonder if there was ever a time that we were all looking at the same time. Might be fun to schedule a time in particular that we all star gaze and contemplate the universe and reality. Building that universal bond!!

[Kyh]

Hi Gordie,

Following along and it sounds like things are going well. Not to make too much of it but I was surprised to read she asked how you felt! Keep up the good work and patience!

The mention of Mars reminded me that there is a meteor shower peaking this weekend.

[DnJ]

Yes the Perseid meteor shower on Saturday and Sunday. Nice thin moon and dark skies. I hope the smoke from the forest fires does not occlude too much starlight here.

D16 is going to a party on Saturday. I will be star gazing from midnight till I pick her up around 2:00am, smoke permitting. It would be great to have you guys and gals over. All sitting on the deck enjoying a drink and gazing to the night sky, slowly shrinking into insignificance while contemplating the unfathomable vastness and beauty that surround us.

I find much peace from that perspective. In awe of the universe, most apt.

Here is something for you, well all of you.

I am sure you can find Venus, and you know Mars. Next find Jupiter and maybe even Saturn. The rest are very difficult, some impossible to see with unaided eye. Mercury for example, that sun hugger, is so over powered by the Sun, hard to find.

If you connect the planets with an arc across the sky. That is the plane of our solar system. The edge of our flat disc.

Point an arm at the far left planet and arc it across the sky connecting the other planets you have found and continue around in the same sweep through the earth back to the start. That is where the solar system disc cuts through earth, not the way you probably expect.

The planets all follow along that arc. The stars, and the rest of the universe (aside from rogue comets, meteors, and such), follow circles around Polaris (North Star) for the northern hemisphere.

Of course planets do not travel across our sky and stars do not travel in circles. Our view of the universe is not “reality”, it is not even the same for everyone. It is our perception of the universe based on the earth’s rotation and ones location.

Something magical in realizing the reality beyond perception.


There is also a magic in realizing the reality your spouse perceives is different than your own. Everyone sees things a little differently, for some a lot differently. Looking beyond your perceptions in an attempt to see the truth puts one in awe of their own reality.

Magical.

[DnJ]

btw the fact that W inquired on how you felt jumped right off the page at me. Pretty good stuff.

I do agree with kyh, shouldn’t make too much of it. You are a patient man Gordie. Keep it up.