Getting Back to my Old Self

[DonH]

I guess there is more to comment about when things are not going well, huh? LOL What else is there to say at this point. But hang on, I'm sure bumps in the road will be forthcoming. LOL. So I said I had a good story and I do - I think.

Back in 1992, I'm pretty sure, I met this woman that an older guy that volunteered for the organization i administered had started dating. Both "Harry and Sally" have since become good friends - especially Sally. She just gets me. Harry had to have been between 45 and 50 and Sally was between 35 and 40 when they met. He was recently divorced from his first and I think only wife????? Not positive on this. He had several kids. She was D'd for the third time. I paid far less attention to couples and things like that back then. I was never married, pretty sure I didn't have a real GF, and still several years away from meeting my exW. They started living together within a year or so and things stayed that way, well, until now.

I used them as a great example of why you don't have to get married to be together over the long term. They pretty much were married in every sense of the word but after three failed attempts for her and at least one or perhaps two for him, neither wanted to get married again. Well Harry recently had triple bi-pass heart surgery. Imagine my shock then when I got a text last week informing me they got married. "It's amazing what staring death in the eye will do to you" Sally told me. LOL see for me staring death in the eye would be getting married again. But in part for practical reasons - Harry is worried his kids will cut Sally out of everything if they are not married - but he also realized how much he needed and loved her while staring death in the eyes, So there you have it, rather than celebrating what could have been a 25th wedding anniversary - they got married. And just like that, there went my example of why marriage is only a piece of paper. You just never know what lies ahead!

Wild Girl remains really, really excited about the cruise. I am as well - mostly because now I don't have to worry about finding someone to go with me. It is very interesting to watch her walls coming down, however. Or perhaps it's showing me how much she had her walls up. I can just sense and feel the difference in her. She really must have been waiting for me to dump her - which I now think was part of the reason for her trying to keep things casual. The more I get to know her, the more I see shades of Ginger in her - perhaps not even shades but direct comparisons. To be sure, Ginger does not keep things casual, but they are alike in many other ways. She said she was not going to tell anyone about the cruise for a while. Yeah, well so much for that, and I knew it would be the case. Just too excited not to share it with her close friends - who all continue to just tell her to relax and enjoy it all. Several have also told her - look you are dating him, he may even be your boyfriend now. She didn't tell me this but one of her BFFs did. I've been fine with the term of dating all along. But, damn, I may eventually have a girlfriend I guess - even though we've not at all talked about that, and I don't think she will bring it up - not for a while anyhow - and Lord knows I won't!!!! LOL

I'm a little on guard, but not as much as I thought I'd be. I'd still say we are at a good pace for coming up on three months - at least a good pace for me. Others might be much father along than me at this point. But that's just me, and as long as she doesn't turn into a clingy, obsessive, different person, i'll be fine. I can't see that happening. I just really do think, due to her past, etc., she really did think that I was going to move on pretty soon here. That's what many of the other guys have done - or she pushed them to do?????? I'm still doing very well living in the moment and not worrying about the future - perhaps the hour distance and three full years of high school for her youngest are also helping me with that. Those girls are totally #1 in her life - and I'm very happy to keep it that way. Still, this is interesting territory for me in recent years. I may date the same woman for 9 months or even a year. Totally did not see that coming. I have always thought I could see myself following in Harry and Sally's footsteps with someone. Well, up until this past week anyhow. I still don't at all see Wild Girl becoming Sally, but I guess stranger things could happen.

I guess I get to say... for the first time in a while... life is good - life is really, really good!

[DonH]

Well things just got real - I mean they were real all along but now airline tickets have been purchased - it's really happening. I really thought that for a cruise 139 days from now (no I didn't calculate it, the electronic tickets did) they would not be moving this fast. I guess I really was the holdup. Unbeknownst to me at nearly the same time I was talking with Wild Girl about going a week ago Tuesday, the head guy was contacting the band leader saying they really need to move on this and just what or whom is the holdup? LOL I guess some of the incentives do go away at the end of September. But I was sorta shocked when here come the electronic tickets from Delta. Turns out we are flying to Miami a day early - at 6 AM. We then get back late the following Saturday - too early to drive out and too late for WG to drive home so she will arrive to my house on Thursday evening and return for her home 11 days later on Sunday. Holy Craap - 10 nights and 11 days together! The last time I've even spent close to that amount of time with someone was over 13 years ago when I was still married.

I'm surprisingly still doing okay with it all - actually I'm really, really excited. It's been a long, long time, well, again 13 years, since I've planned something like this with anyone I was romantically involved with - or more than just platonic friends with. I almost sense Wild Girl bringing some of her walls down as well. We've had some very nice conversations earlier in the week. The best mind reading I can do is, for all of her casual bravado, she really was waiting for me to dump her. She had commented before of not knowing yet if I'm a player, etc. I think she now figures, well if he's taking me on a cruise nearly 5 months from now, he's not dumping me anytime soon. I think it's allowing her to relax some. That said, I'm also still seeing and experiencing some of her random little distancing comments - which I think is just her. Perhaps I've been reading too much into some of her actions? Hmmmmm, ya think? LOL

Thankfully, she is still not getting pushy. In fact I've not seen her in about 10 days, since I asked her to go, and may not for a week or two yet. She did have camping plans with her family this weekend but they may be getting cancelled due to all of the rain we've had in the area the past week. That may change things, we shall see. Otherwise I'm scheduled to stay at her house in a few weeks - something she's already told her daughters about happening. They are now calling me her boyfriend - she is not. LOL To say she is excited, however, is an understatement and that makes me feel good. I'm still just enjoying the ride and everything that comes with it. Other than our misunderstanding from three weeks ago, it has been a pretty good three months. We'll see if anything repeats in about a week to 10 days when the cycle comes around again - if that was a piece of it. I did see and talk with her parents - mostly her mom - last week Sunday. She even mentioned that Wild Girl had said she was upset with me. When I told them, what I said was taken out of context, they both right away said, yeah, that's Wild Girl. Her mom even added, "you must know that by now." Oh great. So they are sort of confirming it for me. I totally see it as a function of her old wounds but it still is not an attractive attribute - even if it can be explained. Clearly something I'll continue to watch.

Anyhow, just wanted to provide that update. On balance, it's still been a really good summer. For someone that is totally fine being by themselves and on their own - often preferring it - I've really enjoyed the time we've spent together and continue to look forward to the next time. Or is it all of the physical parts I've been missing and now look forward to? Might be a bit of both. Whatever, it would appear this will be continued at least through the end of January. Who knew!!!!!!

[DonH]

Those of you following along with me here the past three or so months might figure, well it's a Tuesday and it's been two weeks since Don saw Wild Girl so there should be a wild update coming. Nope, not this time. Not sure what is going on but of course it's given me too much time to think - and that's not usually good. If I am not sure, I'm not sure how any of you can be just from what I say but you may well see things I don't. So let's go.

So on the surface things are mostly fine and it was a good week. However, I'm not so sure. Is it because of what we all know happens and you just can't trust people? I've been so happy I solved the cruise thing - which I'll admit has been too big of a deal for me but it is what it is. It really bothered me since February when I found out and seemingly it's all come together nearly as best as I could have hoped for. Tickets were cut for the air last week Wednesday so there is no backing out now. So it's happening. I really don't think Wild Girl would pull out at this point yet that's what is often on my mind.

So last week Monday we talked on the phone for several hours as typical for us - -all good. Tuesday we texted a bit and I quickly got "I'm sorry I can't talk have a wonderful night" okay no big deal. Wednesday was when the tickets came through so I let her know. Turns out her two girls expressed displeasure/concern/whatever on Tuesday that she spends so much time on the phone with me and a few days together. They are feeling neglected and a bit jealous according to Wild Girl. I totally get that and told her, just be with your girls. She understands them but also says that they want her to be happy and are glad she has someone who is interested in her - but then when that happens, they don't like it. Now for the most part the girls really do seem to like me, especially D17 who will grab the phone and tell me about something she just did or whatever. So Wednesday again went very well with Wild Girl being more emotionally close than typical saying things like "It makes me feel so good how excited you are, my smile couldn't be any bigger." and "I am so blessed Don and it's all because of you." Even called me "sweetheart" which is not typical of her. So she is obviously very, very excited about the cruise. We even talking about some other weekend trip ideas for Fall - she brought them up. She then says it looks like camping plans are getting cancelled so we might be able to get together this weekend (this past weekend) - which I'm excited to hear.

Thursday she had to see her ex H - which is rare. Not sure if that means anything or not. She saw her dad, who immediately talked about me I guess. Her, her dad and the girls were picking up some new furniture. We texted a bit Thursday night and all seemed normal although she said she was not as sure about coming out this weekend - had friends coming over Friday, might have a party on Saturday and for certain a cook out on Sunday. I'm like well okay and made plans myself so I was busy all three days.

So turns out she did nothing on Friday night, just stayed home. She texted me late in the night and told me later her friends wanted to watch the college football game at the bar and she opted out - just felt like staying home. I had met up with a friend I've not seen in many months. Saturday I was very busy and didn't hear from her at all. By now I'm starting to feel some anxiety like what is going on. Why not come out like you said - especially if you didn't do anything else? But, I need alone time too so perhaps that was it? Anyhow, we somehow end up on the phone late Saturday night after I got home from a cook out and everything is 1000% normal. We ended up talking for over two hours and were both shocked when we saw it was near 1:30. She even told me that she told the girls about the cruise - something she said she would not do for a while yet (but I knew she would not be able to wait) They were all fine with it - other than they wanted to go too! At this point I'm thinking, see Don, it was all in your head! Things are fine.

Sunday we both had separate plans and once again, I don't hear much from her. Monday, we both did nothing. It was a hugely dreary day, rained all day long. We both binged watched shows, though had no contact until after 9 PM. We did text later at night and that seemed normal but then when she was going to sleep she tells me "hopefully I'll be able to sleep, too much on my mind" followed by "I thought too much today and wish it didn't rain so I could have taken a long walk" I asked if there was anything I can help with and was told "Not at the moment" followed by pleasant goodnights.

I keep coming back to her being broken but I also am really thinking about me. I don't know if she has depression with her anxiety? She's done this dance before but often goes through with the plans, we have an incredible time - with her talking about it for weeks after - yet she can't seem to get out of the way of herself. I hate the unknown. Just let me know - don't lie to me and don't surprise me with stuff. It makes no sense that we both did nothing and would have had a great time had we just met up. I really think that her daughters are a part of it - especially D15. But she also brought up past BF of many years who she took back when he said he left his wife only to find out they were having a baby - which was delivered a week or two ago. She is honest with me about these things, which I value. It would be far easier not to tell me. She even sort of asked me about kids and why I didn't have my own, etc. She sort of hinted at would I ever want a baby, to which I said, Wild Girl, at 55 there is simply no way that is in my future and for her at near 44 or 45 before it would happen at this point that ship has likely sailed for her as well which she agreed with, but I can tell it makes her very emotional. She thought her and ex BF were going to marry and have one more baby together -with him at 34 it makes total sense. He's now done that with his wife.

I'm certain we will talk about what went out for her this weekend in due time, but I'm all about timing and this was not the right timing - especially not on text. We have firm plans for next weekend with me staying at her house. She has never cancelled firm plans and only once cancelled other plans - unless this weekend counts but that was just a mention. For me I'm getting what I've always said I wanted - someone who is not pushy, doesn't want an R, will see me a couple times a month - no more than once a week. I'm getting some of the best sex of my life (Sorry if that's TMI but I'm really being honest). She is total fun. So I really am getting what I thought I wanted. But now, am I wanting more? I think I'm mostly wanting consistency and reassurance - not very much in on Wednesday with being so happy and on and on and then distant three days later - although certainly not distant Saturday night. Or am I reading too much into it? Go with your gut is what I often say and my gut tells me something is up - and what is up is a broken Wild Girl. I don't at all think she is playing games or trying on purpose to do any of this - I think it is her in her core and she can't help it. Time will tell as the picture continues to unfold I guess. What's even crazier though, is if she was all in, I'd be running away and distancing - perhaps like she is now? Maybe that's what's going on - we are both avoidant and when one gets closer the other pulls away?

Complicated to say the least. It will all come out in time and I just need to be a bit more detached and continue my GAL. Nothing is ever easy. I'm still having more fun and enjoying this than I did in the first half of the year before it started. Still, this angst and anxiety is no fun - I hate this part. But it's part of every R - at least on some level. Things are never smooth sailing and even when they sometimes are, that blows up out of nowhere. Okay, I've got to stop typing here as it's too long already.

[Ginger1]

Me recent revelation?

Consistency and reassurance is found in a RELATIONSHIP. People who are avoidant of those qualities don't want a relationship.

So, basically what you want from her, is a relationship.

[TBSakaJ9]

I agree with G DH.....it sounds like you are wanting more and are questioning your current arrangement. IMO this is generally what happens with casual type of hook ups only a couple of times a month....eventually someone wants more.

[AndrewP]

Hey Don. Following along on the home game here. A divergent opinion as well.

I think you are having an expectation or wish that you were dealing with someone who is a lot more healed than she is. It sounds like a lot of her recent relationships involved her being kicked when she's down. If so, it's no surprise that she would be skittish.

You are 12 years out roughly. She's perhaps (picking number out of the air) 12 months from her last disappointment? You are both in very different places in terms of trusting in yourself and others.

She's also having to deal with the whole being a Mom thing. Her kids, while they sound happy for her, are undoubtedly jealous of the time she is giving you that they used to get. She's got a lot on her plate and is used to the plate being wobbly. I would suggest cutting her some slack and giving her the space to be a Mom.

Just my own opinion.

[DonH]

Some good comments to make me think so far. Let me respond.

Me recent revelation?

I don't know what that means? Typo perhaps?

IMO this is generally what happens with casual type of hook ups only a couple of times a month....eventually someone wants more.

I don't disagree with you - the thing is, that "someone" rarely has been me. It was once before - nearly 25 years ago now - but I have three or four true FWB, but we flow in and out of each other's lives much less frequently, rarely more than a few times a year and sometimes only a few times every few years depending what each of us has going on.

Consistency and reassurance is found in a RELATIONSHIP. People who are avoidant of those qualities don't want a relationship.So, basically what you want from her, is a relationship.

See, this, along with Joseph's comment do kind of sum it up. I may want more of a real R. But here is the thing, as sure as I'm sitting here typing this, if that happened, I'd back off and distance. It may eventrually be put to the test, who knows. This is why I'm trying to be cautious because "Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it."

It's really ironic and perhaps telling to me that I was thinking, "hmmmm I wonder if this is how my exW felt early on." When we first met she wanted to see me ALL OF THE TIME. Perhaps that's why I'm now so avoidant??? If she didn't see me at least twice a week, there would be hell to pay - well okay not that but it bothered her and I could tell. The thing is, I was interested - obviously, I married her for crying out loud. I just didn't see a need or feel the need to see her all the time - yet she did. That brought me to wonder if this is how she felt back then. And I was not looking to break up with her or anything - for the most part anyhow - I just didn't feel the desire to see her all the time.

Even now, every couple of weeks really is fine. It's the unknown that bothers me. And it's also the realization I may be correct about my intial assessment that stinks. If only the broken part was not there - much else fits. That then gets my mind going - like Saturday yet when we talked, it was clearly just all in my head - and it may just still be all in my head. She posted a pic of the girls on social media today for first day back to school and said she thought she was going to cry. I'm sure this is part of the picture. But, and I hate to keep coming back to this, a Google search seems to point to 5 to 10 days prior to her period for the time of PMS - including all of the emotional aspects. Well guess where she is on that calendar right now???? I'm just sayin LOL

You are 12 years out roughly. She's perhaps (picking number out of the air) 12 months from her last disappointment? You are both in very different places in terms of trusting in yourself and others.

That's a good point and something I didn't think through fully. See, she's D'd for 9 years. That's a long time. But you are correct, she knew this guy while she was still married and started dating casually after they D'd. That intensified but then he broke it off for this other woman and married her. However, even while "dating" it doesn't sound like it was what any of us would call really dating. He didn't date her, he "hid her away" by her own words (this was prior to the wife) and didn't really act as a couple - didn't do family things, etc. It sounds largely like a sexual R than anything.

Beyond that, she talks often about what her ex H did. Beyond his drinking, constant verbal put downs and some physical abuse, he tried to take the kids from her. This was only a few years ago and for the life of me I can't see how he could even try. Perhaps there is something I don't know but the judge threw it out rather quickly and nothing ever changed other than the girls have little if any interaction with him. He has no visitation, they don't communicate much at all. Other than stopping to pick up money for drivers ed that he agreed to pay, D15 has not heard from him since her birthday in May. Wild Girl and the two girls are very, very tight. She really has done well with those girls. You'd think based on this info they would be very screwed up but from all I can tell, they are really, really well adjusted girls - especially D17 who is rather amazing from everything I can tell - work, school, interests, friends, boyfriend, outgoing, personable, you name it. D15 struggles a bit more but I'm betting she will blossom in the next year or two like her sister has. Anyhow, this court action profoundly effected her. She still talks of it somewhat often, blames her anxiety on it, etc.

She has a very solid, confident exterior. She really does, including saying how this is who she is and if guys don't like it, too bad. She also is very good about not trying to change me - really good. Even the things that my friends give me crap and tease me about, she rarely does. I don't know if she accepts it or not but she clearly does not try to change it. Anyhow, for all of this confident exterior, I think there is someone else entirely deep down. At least she's doing a great job of faking it until you make it! I'm just still discovering the real Wild Girl - including she's not nearly as wild as I first thought.

So, yes Andrew, her baggage is much more recent and more raw. I don't fix people so all I can do is step back a bit and support as needed as I can. She needs to work through all of this. And at this age, everyone has baggage - it's just the case, including me. I'm just not very good at dealing with it. It's largely why I've not had a significant R in many years. I just don't do well with drama and emotions and all of that. I'm a very, very even guy. On a scale of 1 to 10 I usually am at a 7 or 8, rarely lower than a 5 and rarely higher than that 8. That's me. Others can be an 8 in the morning and a 3 in the afternoon followed by a 10 the next day. It's who they are. I may just have to learn to live better with those who are different than I am - which might be most people - as well as re-learn to deal with women and all that comes with them.

[kml]

I think you're overthinks ng. She has PMS and just found out her ex boyfriend finally had his child with his wife - the child SHE thought she was going to have.

That's a lot, And none of it really has to do with you. Let her process it. You're good - she called you sweetie, you're in.

Relax and enjoy.

[DonH]

You are totally correct KML but I need to give myself some 2X4s here:

Let's start with I don't understand women and I can't mind read for crap. I really can't mind read text. I have to stop trying. I don't know if it's still PTSD from my bomb drop 13 years ago? Or one of the two GFs did somewhat of a bomb drop as well - it came out of nowhere. That's not at all what's going on here. Looking back the two times we talked on the phone, things were totally normal, it was the texts but even those I was wrong about minor, every day things.

So my plan was just let her come to me. I was not going to text or call tonight. What happens, of course early in the evening while I'm still out taking my hot tub pump in for repair I get a text saying she's free in a little while if I want to talk. I'm not going to lie, a little part of me was like, um talk about what, oh no here it comes. Well of course I could not have been more wrong - about everything. She explained the weekend - well mostly. Even me thinking she didn't have fun at the cook out her and the girls went to... nope she totally did (again mind reading text). Then she says how she misses seeing me since it's been two weeks and would this coming weekend work? Yes, her reaching out to me - not me having to ask like is often the case. We already have plans for me to stay over the following weekend due to back to back gigs close to her.

So, yes, all good, it was never not. Why am I looking for the next shoe to drop? And that is typically NOT me. I'm rather confident and rather good at selecting and passing by - I mean how many women did I discard and move on from in the past several years? Perhaps that's part of it - try as I might, I just could not bring myself to be excited about them - something that's not a problem with wild girl - I am excited to hear from her and to spend time with her.

So this is the third time now that I've been wrong. I totally need to get myself together. - yes, KML, I am in and need to relax and enjoy. I really am good until the end of January at the very least. It's all good. Get your shlt together Don!!!!!!!!!!

[Margaux]

It's been a couple of months when I and my partner decided to end it up and so far I am doing good. I am getting used to the fact that it's just me, my baby girl and our pug, but he still visit Lace and I don't see any problem with it. It's like we are back to being friends again. I feel like I am more independent now than before. I do the lawn trimming, the dog bath time, and I am taking the trash outside(which is BTW I hate doing the most). I am also planning to do a freelance job since I wanted to gain new knowledge and I don't want to forget about my passion. I just need to keep myself busy, and the only thing that is left is to move on and be happy.