We actually ended up having a lovely evening in Dorset... chats and laughter and good food and wine , and he was funny, loving and attentive (he gave me kiss me infront of others )... I know that his friends are wary of me but a lot of them like me and everyone can see how much I love my H. Yes.. they did talk about era I don’t know and friends I haven’t met before.. but I still had fun and enjoyed the conversations . That’s ok, isn’t it?
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
I just woke up as I couldn’t stop thinking about our issues... age gap etc. He says he doesn’t want children now not because his age but because our relationship is bad and he doesn’t want to bring a child into this world if we argue all the time. He comes from a divorced family and he doesn’t remember much of his childhood- so traumatic it was that he never committed until he met me. When I left him when we were dating as he said - I don’t want to be a father, after that he had z6 months to think about it .. I didn’t trick him in, I didn’t go on convincing, I left him alone. He obviously missed me so much that he can’t back and married me... he knew what I wanted and he said he wants children too. He is a responsible man , he had a lot of time to think about it and he would never do something he doesn’t want nor he would do that just to get me ... he could easily get a woman who doesn’t want children etc. I have been horrible to him after that car journey- crying, blaming, not talking - so I better do my best to show that I can change and I am the woman he married to... if then he doesn’t want children, I will be left with making a decision.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
I decided to open up to my H so I asked whether or not this talking / conversation issue is an excuse for not having children as I said that I am afraid that it may be the case. I kept an easy/nonjudgmental tone. H replied that it is not an excuse and he would like to have children had our relationship been good. Then I also asked today about whether or not he is worried about his age- he said that it doesn't help that he is so old but it is not a problem...
Well... that gives me structure to try my best in saving the marriage first.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
I have been reading the validation thread (my book hasn’t arrived yet) and thought to try it on my H in our conversations. It works! He seemed to be satisfied after our talks as I kept being emphatic and understanding him what he says and feels. H: “there has been so much damage created in the past year and what you did last Thursday was unacceptable “ ( we had an argument last Thursday and I lashed out at him) me:” I understand that you feel that there has been damage in our relationship and I am sorry about last Thursday- It wasnt good but I felt hurt too” etc etc well here is the skill I must learn and practice! My 180- something I haven’t done before. Happy Monday! X
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
I decided to open up to my H so I asked whether or not this talking / conversation issue is an excuse for not having children as I said that I am afraid that it may be the case. I kept an easy/nonjudgmental tone. H replied that it is not an excuse and he would like to have children had our relationship been good. Then I also asked today about whether or not he is worried about his age- he said that it doesn't help that he is so old but it is not a problem...
Well... that gives me structure to try my best in saving the marriage first.
Remember, believe nothing they say only half of what they do.
Just take everything he says with a grain of salt. For instance, what IF he is purposely making your R bad do he has an excuse to not have children? It is amazing the lengths WASs will go in order to "not be at fault". He knows he is on the hook as saying he'd have children with you.....so it is easier to just have a crappy MR than to go back on his word.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you Steve85 - I take your view and I can only hope it may not be the case. Inside me I am allowing it some time... Let's say- i - if I aply these techniques from DB/DR for the next 6-12 months, and I make myself the best person I can be, I validate, am understanding, GAL, stop complaining ,begging, crying, grow up (he often said I behave like a child... which may or may not be true) and THEN he says he doesn't want children nor intimacy- I will be left with the deicision to make... but I know myself that I haven't been the best spouse and I probably overreacted and the last year we both have been miserable. The fact that his business suffered hasn't helped things either.
I would like to believe that the man I got married to is honest and ultimately he wants to have a family.
Yes, I have also thought that he makes our relationship bad in purpose... but looking deeper- I can also say that I have contributed to the damage as well.. and I can only stop that being the case from my part.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
One of my 180- is to initiate doing things together as up until now I let my H do all the planning... as I thought it is a man's job.. I have been quite passive and tradional in this... I don't want to be a pursuer either so I am not quite sure how to manage it. For example- I would like to go to see movie tomorrow, do I get the tickets and casually ask him if he wants to come along?
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
H is still very distant... when I ask him- are you alright? He says he is just sorting himself out. In those moments I want to screm- get a grip, I am hurting too. But I don't... I shut up.
We are going to the movie after all, I got the tickets- he seemed to be happy about my suggestion. I can't stop feeling like a pursuer though. Also- all the affection, cuddles, kisses, touches I seem to intiiate- he does enjoy it when I do yet I still feel that being intimate to my H is like million light years away- we haven't had it for the best part of the marriage and I miss it. I have considered having A, there have been a few opportunities... but then I know I better go for D than do this.
I often feel that I am walking on eggshells- one wrong move and it will all end in tears- e.g. D. I know I have to be strong and patient.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
