Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Originally Posted by Gordie

Love is patient and kind and does not envy and is not proud and does not boast

It does not dishonor others is not self seeking is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth

It always protects always trusts always hopes always perseveres

Love never fails



Yes we read that at our wedding




Thanks Gordie. We read that at our wedding also. And I cannot tell you how many times I repeated it in during my marriage, most especially in the years leading up to BD as well as the 20 months between BD and finalizing our divorce. It didn't save my marriage but it certainly helped me get through very difficult times.

Originally Posted by Gordie


1 she no longer feels trapped and feels like she can be who she wants to be and likes how I have changed in this regard and I should have always been like this


RED FLAG #1


Originally Posted by Gordie

3 she feel like I still love the kids more than her and supports them and their interests in a sacrificial way that I have never doene for her


RED FLAG #2

[quote=Gordie]
4 she feels like I will never love her the way she wants to be loved and that she should just accept that I have always de prioritized her and I always will and she should just accept that as her reality[/Gordie]

RED FLAG #3


---

That being said - my belief is that a great number of MLCrs are broken because they did not get the kind of love and support they needed as children. They then look towards the spouse to provide them with the kind of unconditional love only a parent can provide. In the absence of a parent providing that love, the individual must do the hard work to heal and provide that love to his/herself. This isn't your job, Gordie. This is absolutely the work she needs to do. And yes, they then get resentful because the spouse might be exactly the kind of parent they always wanted but didn't get.

(can you tell I've heard a similar speech)

Google "Will Smith Happiness"
Watch that video.
Watch it a few times.

All that being said, take the conversation with a grain of salt, keep your expectations at zero and do what makes YOU happy, trusting that you'll be taken care of in the way you're meant to be.

#TeamGordie

xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
Gerda is flummoxed. Team Gordie seems to be attempting some tough love strategies on Gordie but he is tougher than almost any of us here. Gordie IS DAILY AND NIGHTLY LIVING WITH THE WOMAN WHO BROKE HIS HEART AND MIND AND FAMILY and is standing tall even as she continues to push and pull, to reject him and insult him. He could be broken, he could be getting wasted nightly, he could be sending his kids to live with gramma for a while so he can run away from it all. Instead he is daily strapping on his boots to wade back through the the mire with a smile on his face. A little fear as he gazes into the dark mouth of the tunnel? Um, yeah. H$lls yeah.

Gordie's very expression of fear is in fact only based on his massive strength in being willing to keep his heart open when it would make things so much easier to clang it shut and lock it tight.

Gordie, your love for your W when she doesn't remotely deserve it and when she is still the sun of her own solar system, when she is actually jealous of her own children, that love is beautiful and is the meaning of love. Gordie, you are stronger than strong, you are one of my heroes here and in IRL, you give me hope in the world and the future. If you weren't afraid, you'd be asleep in the biblical sense, e.g., dead in the spiritual sense.

You are not asleep. It hurts to stay awake and have to keep watching. And we are specifically told to STAY AWAKE. And speaking of that, you forgot the end of the passage from Corinthians, what that talk of love was leading to. So I will paste it below for your convenience and to remind you that you are a rock star, that now you may feel you are seeing dimly, but it takes a lot of guts to walk through the darkness when you can't see anything the lies ahead.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

As for prophecies (even by friends on this board), they will pass away;
as for tongues, they will cease;
as for knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.




Last edited by Gerda; 07/22/18 04:05 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Not tough love Gerda.

Encouragement to keep going, hopefully, and to not buy the kool-aid his wife is selling.. Sharing my experience is all I have to give. Yes she is jealous of her own children. Why is that? I don't know, but I'd guess it's because she didn't have that unconditional love as a child. She felt short-changed and maybe thought, "oh, marriage and my own family will fix me"

No. That doesn't work. If a child doesn't get their needs met by their parents, they grow up with a hole inside that can only be filled by themselves doing the hard work. Their kids can't fill it. Their spouses sure can't fill it, even though the MLCr expects them too and is furious at the spouse for "falling short and not meeting their needs" - unreasonable, impossible needs. That video explains it brilliantly and might be something that gives Gordie hope if he gets down.

My post to Gordie was hopefully to elucidate my feelings about this topic in a way that encourages him to keep going, as he's facing what I believe is the worst of the worst: having to live with the MLCr while they make up their mind about whether to stay or go. Make no mistake, she's still making up her mind about that.

Maybe he should have been a certain way all along. Only Gordie and his wife know that for sure. (Red Flag #1) but the other two statements - straight from the MLC handbook these folks get at whatever secret meeting they all go to when they join Club MLC. She still has a ways to go.

Hang in the Gordie. Continue to be the amazing man you are who only a fool would leave. Continue your GAL. Continue to encourage your wife in whatever ways make sense. Don't drink the kool-aid, no matter how it's packaged.

#TeamGordie#1


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Gordie - did she ask how you were doing with things? If not, that to me, is the biggest problem and would be a giant red flag. And if she did ask, would you feel safe telling her the truth or would you be afraid of the fallout?

It's good she feels safe initiating a conversation. But at some point she needs to turn that finger back at herself. We all do in order to grow.

I know what your life is like. Lots of eggshells with the live-in. Practice lots of self care.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Gordie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Dang it lost a really long reply to the team

Second try

Marvin agree I see some progress here but yes still baking very very slowly DNJ s grass grows much faster and man o man there were moments I absolutely wanted to scream but just kept sipping that s t f u smoothie from cafe Cali

Job yes will keep steady and doing what I am doing and improving me for me I am a much better listener and less critical and less judgmental and I can see my abs again ha ha ha but sadly yes she still wants to be swept off her feet and has a twenty year record of wrongs that prove that I am not the fantasy man and that still hurts less than it used to but feeling like I never live up to this always moving target is exhausting

Andrew thank you


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Gordie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Butterfly thank you for your red flags think it is easier for others to see them so for red flag 1 there is some validity there partly due to me being a less supportive H than I should have been all along but partly on her and living up to what her father wanted and projecting that on to me I never asked her to give up career to be a sahm but she clearly still blames that and other life choices on me

Red flags 2 and 3 I find more confusing and troubling and it never dawned on me that she is somehow jealous of her own children and she recently said she did not know why I am supportive of my daughter in her professional ambition in a way that I am not to her and did not know what to say to that so said nothing and yes she had issues in her childhood that are all wrapped up in this and are still wreaking havoc on her psyche and I cannot fix this in her

I was not aware that you heard a similar speech was that before at or after b d


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Originally Posted by HaWho
Gordie - did she ask how you were doing with things? If not, that to me, is the biggest problem and would be a giant red flag. And if she did ask, would you feel safe telling her the truth or would you be afraid of the fallout?

It's good she feels safe initiating a conversation. But at some point she needs to turn that finger back at herself. We all do in order to grow.

I know what your life is like. Lots of eggshells with the live-in. Practice lots of self care.




This is a really important question. Is she considering your feelings, how you are feeling in the M and if YOUR needs are getting met? Does she ever discuss this with you?

Or is it all still about her?

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Gordie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Gerda thank you for you kind words and yes telling it as you see it and the pushing and pulling and I hate to admit insults usually said with a smile but are insults nonetheless and yes it is tough to keep walking when I see only dimly but one day we will see clearly and yes the fear is real and yes believe that some days I am strong and other days not so much and some days am full of faith and hope and other days struggle to keep it together but the good days are better than ever and the bad days fewer and farther between

Yes I have experienced despair and never really understood suicidal tendencies previously but realized that would solve nothing and would only make life worse for my children so when I could not keep my chin up for myself I kept my chin up for them I. like a drink but never more than a couple as I have witnessed firsthand alcohol and drug addiction so never wanted to go there and I write this for other LBS so that they know these are all common temptation

So thank you for your kind words I have never read or heard that phrase that it hurts to stay awake instead of running away in one way or the other another way to think about it is that the LBS is also in crisis and if we stand we are asked to choose neither fight nor flight which really is contrary to our primal desires


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Gordie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Hawho and Ginger

This conversation was 90 percent about her


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
She is still in the very selfish mode and she's still got a while to bake in that oven.

Gordie, continue as you have been, i.e., keep the focus on you and your children and leave her in the oven to bake.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard