I have been putting this off for a while. I am about halfway through Divorce Busting, and also have The Divorce Remedy to read as well. I just feel like I need immediate input.
Backstory:
About a month ago, my husband walked out. At first all he would say is that he "needed time to work through some issues." I was devastated, but okay with him taking whatever time he needed. The thought had crossed my mind about an affair, because he has, in the past prior to us getting married, had 2 other "flings" with people. We got over those humps fairly easily in contrast to this latest development. We have been together 12 years, but only married for 3 (today is my 3rd wedding anniversary).
Now, you also have to understand or know that he grew up seeing his father have affairs constantly on his mother. He can't stand his dad and avoids him because of this. They do not have a great relationship. 36 years married, and his dad has had 8 affairs that we know of. He always swore that he would never become his father. Yet, he ends up doing the exact same thing his dad does to his mother. He starts feeling poorly about himself, and instead of turning to his spouse for comfort or reassurance, he goes and finds a lady friend to talk with and then sleep with.
I also have been diagnosed with PTSD and Depression and Anxiety like 3 years ago. I've suffered with those two things my whole life, but only had names put on them 3 years ago. He is usually a very gentle, caring, empathetic person. But he really has no idea what he needs to do around me when I start going downhill. And that's okay, too. He just needs a little education on how to be around people who suffer from mental disorders such as these. (I have PTSD from some things that happened in my childhood and then again in my teenage years, and now again recently)
So after he left, about 3 or 4 days later, I had a work interview. I decided to stop by his house to just chat for a minute before going home. His mother said that he hadn't been home all night. But giving him the benefit of doubt, there have been times in the past when he has had to sleep at work because he worked so long and was just too tired to drive home. So I go to his work place to see him. They hadn't seen him either. I knew at that point that he had another woman. I wasn't standing for it this time. He had already drug me through this same stuff twice before. I just didn't know if I could do it again. So I sent him a text and told him to just come get his stuff from the house. He said he could come next week. That wasn't good enough for me, so I started piling it all up in the yard, took a picture of it and sent it to him, and said you will come NOW to get your stuff. So he did. Now, this whole time, he has acted strangely...more so than before. He clammed up and would NOT talk to me at all. So I decided in my head that must mean that he has made his mind up to leave our relationship for good.
After sleeping on it, and not speaking to him for a day or two, I ran across this website, ordered the books and started reading. Through our discussions, we had identified where we had both gone wrong...both of us had stopped talking to the other and that left us both feeling neglected and cheated somehow. I can't remember the last time we had any real quality time that was just the two of us.
I need to try to make this as short as possible, I just don't know how.
I ended up having a stalker. Someone was leaving flowers and letters on my vehicle at different places around town, But the letters all looked like a prank or a child wrote them. But the biggest thing in them was that whoever this was, knew that my husband was gone and I was alone in the house. But I STILL didn't really take it seriously. Turns out, I really SHOULD have taken them seriously. I was upset and angry one night and started pulling carpet up in my house and taking it outside to the curb because the garbage ran the next morning), when I was attacked outside my own home. Yes, I did notify the police. Yes, I did go to the hospital so they could do their tests and whatnot. So at this point, I am just a miserable, terrified person who is now paranoid every time I walk out of my house. This was sort of a wake up call for me, however. My entire outlook on life changed pretty much overnight. Instead of pushing my husband further away, I started trying to pull him closer so that we could eventually try to work things out and maybe have a marriage even better than before.
For 3 weeks, I went round in circles, trying to let him know that I was still right here waiting and fighting to keep our marriage alive. Very unlike himself, he just wouldn't talk with me about anything. We did end up agreeing on what BOTH of our roles were in him getting to the point of leaving.
Okay, so this past week, he and his family went on vacation. I bowed out from even asking him if he still wanted me to go because I figured it would be good for him to get away and get his head cleared. He definitely had some stuff bouncing around in there...he just wouldn't share what. While on vacation, he couldn't stop talking to me. I kept telling him things like, if two people truly do love each other, ANYTHING can be worked through with a little patience and elbow grease. If he was willing to try, so was I. But he was STILL talking to the Paramour. So midweek, he calls me and just starts spilling everything. It appears as though his paramour told him that she was pregnant (she told him weeks ago..and that's what he was clammed up about and didn't want to tell me because he was afraid I would get mad and turn around and leave HIM for good). But he had just gotten off the phone with her, and she said she had a miscarriage. I didn't have the reaction a normal person would in this situation I guess. Instead of flying off the handle, I told him he needed to be there for her while THEY mourned the life of a child (I had gone through this years ago so I knew what she would be going through mentally and physically) I went as far as to send her a message myself and tell her that I would pray for her during this horrible time. She told me how sweet I was (the whole time I'm gagging). She even went so far as to send him a picture of the toilet with the supposed miscarriage in it. During this conversation, he also said that he had known he made a HUGE mistake as soon as she told him that she was pregnant. He knew that he wanted to work things out with us, not her. So he told me first about what was happening, then he calls her up and tells her that he's decided to work things out with me. The VERY NEXT DAY she decides that she needs to go to the doctor because "something isn't right." She then tells my husband that oooops, she is indeed still pregnant. I start searching the internet for things that happen during a miscarriage (I know not all are the same) and guess what. I run across the same exact photo she sent to him posted on a pregnancy forum from 2015. Plus, she only has one ovary (which she says is poly cycstic) and tube, making it nearly impossible for her to even GET pregnant. So now, I start even doubting that she ever was pregnant in the first place. I mean, WHY would she fake a miscarriage? Unless she thought in her mind that my husband was going to maybe leave me for her....
But, since my hubs was away on vacation, and he had no way to get to me if something happened, he decided to not make any waves until he gets home. I guess I agree with that assessment. What little I have spoken to this Chick ... it seems to me that she is a little mentally unstable. She told me that she was bipolar and doctors have her on Lithium, klonopin, and something else (possibly cymbalta?) and that she has tried to commit suicide 3 times before and has anger management issues....but we have both deduced at this point that she is really becoming all Fatal Attraction on us. She even went as far as to google my name, and she found some old posts for an event I had done so now she has my phone number and the address to my Art Studio, She sent me a few texts asking me how I felt about the situation....and I told her that I love my husband so very much, that I would be more than happy to help him raise another child of his because it would be a little piece of him. She absolutely went bonkers on my hubs saying that I would NEVER be around HER kid.
I'm probably leaving stuff out, and I do apologize, but my life has been a soap opera the past few weeks. I did end up blocking her on social media, and then had to block her from my phone as well because she would start trying to back me into a corner wanting me to answer questions that my husband has already answered for her. At this point, we are assuming that she really is pregnant though...until her next appointment comes along, and my husband has already told her that the will be going with her to the next one. So at that time, we will know for certain if she really is pregnant or if she isn't and has just been lying this whole time thinking that he will just somehow choose to go back to her. She even said that if she has to share the baby with ME half the time, then I will have to share my husband with HER half the time. I mean REALLY???? Nuh uh.
And now I am left with TONS more questions than answers. I mean, I love my husband more than anything....but if this happens to be true, will I be able to help him raise a child from an affair that he had? will we be able to work completely through all of our issues? (lack of intimacy and communication are the two biggies). Do I keep quiet until he is able to go with her to her next "appointment? Do I just try to put her out of my mind and start rebuilding my marriage? Do I need to confront her or do WE need to confront her with the fake miscarriage information? Is it possible to salvage my sanity during all of this? How am I supposed to trust him again? CAN we truly make our future way better than the past?
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the very last thing she said to me via text is that she thought I was trying to pump her for information on her "pregnancy" and that I needed to stop...that I was the only liar in this circle. Meaning that she thinks I am lying about my attack (even though I can provide proof of what happened to me...and so far, she has not been able to come up with any proof for her "pregnancy').
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for those suggestions and links. I will definitely get started reading. When you say journaling, do you mean on a physical journal or journaling here on this post?
I do think I forgot to mention that my husband is coming home from vacation today and has said as soon as he gets everything unpacked he is coming straight to me....whether it be for comfort or to start talking things out or just for support, I'm really not sure yet. I'm ecstatic he will be home with me, but I'm not sure for how long.
He has asked me to not rock the boat with the paramour until the next "doctor's appointment" in 2 weeks. I'm still trying to figure out if I can even DO this. It's like everything has happened in the last month and is bearing down on me hard. I don't know if I am coming or going. I am so confused and a complete mess.
Thank you very much for you reply and suggestions again.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Oh. Good points. I was sort of under the impression that the Divorce Busting book could be worked through together...but that isn't the case? I do have both the DR and DB books now, but have only gotten about halfway through the DB book. Since this newest development with the "faked" miscarriage and "supposed pregnancy" I'm just all turned around.
I guess I will know more after tonight when my WAH gets here. I will check back here when I am able to see how long he is staying and what his mind set is. For all I know, he is coming to tell me that he wants a divorce. I don't THINK that's the case, but at this point, I'm just not sure of anything any more.
However, he is still talking to the OW until he can find out for certain if she is actually pregnant.
There is so much wrong with this situation....I am just here. I'm a big ball of confusion. I guess the main thing is that my DH is wanting to stay together. I'm just having issues with the whole "have to be nice to the psycho that MIGHT be carrying my child" thing I guess.
Any ideas on how to handle this paramour? She is for sure a little crazy. DH keeps saying that if things hadn't happened like they did, she and I could have been friends. IT's going to be hard enough for me to have to deal with this woman if she really IS pregnant, much less be FRIENDS with her.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Is it possible to work through something like this and still make the marriage better than it used to be?
There is so much traumatic stuff going on in your life. What type of IRL support do you have? Family?friends? Counseling ?
Is an open relationship ok with you? What type of relationship are you seeking?
No, the police are investigating. I had very little information to give them. My main motivation for reporting was hopefully whoever it was will be in the system and the R Kit will pop up with the person's DNA as a match. Or he will commit some crime in the future and they will be able to match his DNA to what they find now.
I have a PTSD counselor...sort of. I had been seeing one person for a little over a year, then she changed jobs. I have procrastinated going back because I don't want to have to open those doors again with a new therapist. So far, I've just been doing what I always do. Which is not really healthy either. I just box things up and file them away so I don't have to think about or deal with them. I don't really have family I am comfortable enough with to talk to.
An open relationship is NOT okay with me. There is only room for ONE person in my life and my BED. The OW has of course brought up my husband marrying her too and us all living together as a family. But that won't happen as long as I have breath in me. I'm just trying to deal with everything as it comes along. She doesn't seem to be going away. She still thinks that she can have my husband to herself just because she got "pregnant." I can totally handle another baby as long as I don't have to deal with this psycho for 18 more years.
