....Having replayed the R and seeing my contributions - my actions - my words- my failures . I feel that I did things with my full intent with the well being of my family as my objective. For my failures I have taken ownership and work steadily on making me better in those departments. I'm not totally sure that I want my W back. I know this can all change. I feel as though -I deserve better- I deserve more - I deserve to be happy! I am fully aware that I do not need that from my W although I still feel angry and betrayed because of her actions.
All normal and healthy thoughts and feeling. IMO
We must learn to love in a way that the other feel free. I know that in my own sitch I fell into a pattern of fix and control. It was consensual and appreciated at first. I now see where it became a problem over time. Regardless of how my MR works out, I will be a better mate because of my new awareness. You too have gained awareness and now have standards and expectations that you will apply regardless of how things work out. One major detour in my process was the realization that this problem was not one for me to fix, at least not alone. If only I hadn't spent so much time and energy looking for the fix. If I had Dropped the Rope and focused on my God-given purpose instead of a solution to this problem with my W, I would be further down the road by now.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Lonewlf, that's great you're getting so many compliments! At least if your wife isn't drawn to your changes you know other people are! If I was getting tons of compliments from men I'd probably feel better too. It seems the world is a better place when people compliment one another. I still hope your wife sees the light and comes back ready to do anything to reconcile but that's good to hear you're getting stronger both mentally and physically. I hope you'll stay on this forum and post when there's a breakthrough. I'm really curious to see how your situation will turn out.
Please pray for me friend. Fell away from the church several decades ago due to depression. I am trying to be the city set on a hill for him.
S85-Thank you for weighing in on my sitch and giving me advice- The power of prayer is incredible and everyone needs prayers. I will pray for Him and you and your family also.
We must learn to love in a way that the other feel free. I know that in my own sitch I fell into a pattern of fix and control. It was consensual and appreciated at first. I now see where it became a problem over time. Regardless of how my MR works out, I will be a better mate because of my new awareness.
RR- wise words- Always better put into action and maintained. One of my future goals! Thank you!
At least if your wife isn't drawn to your changes you know other people are! If I was getting tons of compliments from men I'd probably feel better too. It seems the world is a better place when people compliment one another. I still hope your wife sees the light and comes back ready to do anything to reconcile but that's good to hear you're getting stronger both mentally and physically.
Nic, Thank you for your encouragement! At this stage I'm not sure what I want. I do know that i am not ready for someone new- I may have lost my capacity to trust so readily. I do know I miss my family and all the cherished family times together. As for W - still not sure where her head is at- i know this is mind reading- but being with her mom and sis for a week makes me wonder if she is falling deeper in to this New age belief structure. As they say here- not my circus- not my monkeys! I just have to keep moving forward.
Thanks for all your kindness and support! Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
S and I finished up the summer on a good note. We went go carting to the movies and then we celebrated the end of summer with a nice burger and then an ice cream - so much for my diet hahaha!. We talked in depth about what he wanted out of this upcoming school year. S has reinforced that he wants to go to university so we agreed to be on the same page and to keep the communication lines open. In that same line of thought we also set some boundaries and guide lines for him to keep in mind. Did some prep work with S for the first day of school. He is not a morning person - but he did his thing this morning and passed with flying colors. We even had a nice chat while walking the dog together. He said he wanted to get caught up with friends after school- I said that was ok as long as he was able to complete home work and his chores.
Had a interview last week - I felt that it did not go as well as the others. I have another interview from a company I previously interviewed for this week also. So far I only have the job offer from the start up company. Looks like that my be my only option for now.
As for W she texted me earlier today asking how S did this morning and that she wanted to set up a day to come over and continue clean up. I will keep my responses business like and brief. Now I know that I am not to be reading into this. Or maybe this a true sign of me not being fully detached but since we've been together she has always called me by the first syllable of my first name. I see the text either using my full name - she never has or not even a good morning or a Hi like she used to. I know- she is NOT the woman I married and I KNOW I still need to work on detachment.
As always I shall leave it in God's capable hands- Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
As for W she texted me earlier today asking how S did this morning and that she wanted to set up a day to come over and continue clean up. I will keep my responses business like and brief. Now I know that I am not to be reading into this. Or maybe this a true sign of me not being fully detached but since we've been together she has always called me by the first syllable of my first name. I see the text either using my full name - she never has or not even a good morning or a Hi like she used to. I know- she is NOT the woman I married and I KNOW I still need to work on detachment.
Who knows what the kooky stuff they do means? Let me ask you this. Do you think that these trips to continue the clean up are genuinely to just continue cleaning up? Know what I mean? I don't want you to read too much into anything as we are often wrong and mislead.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
First - I think there are a couple of reasons for these visits. Let me say that we have accumulated a bunch of stuff. My W and I don't throw things out. I came from a family of 9 where you made use of all items. She just keeps things like old license plates ( i don't know why). I think she wants to come over so that we can clean up and get the house sold so that she can move on> i don't plan on uprooting me and S until I have my feet solid with a new job and some security. The second reason is to see S. I feel that she wants to reach out to him but he just won't let his walls down. I am staying out of it. Everytime she comes by it seems just a brief hi and then he returns to what he is doing. Lastly -I've also entertained that she is coming by to check up on me??? I've been upbeat- healthy as ever and continue to do so and i thought maybe she is checking if I backslid. I know she has put on about 25lbs and looks non attractive- at least at this point.
On another note I went out with my best friend to a dance club on the weekend. I enjoy dancing and have been told on many occasions that i should teach others. I ran into a old high school buddy who played on the same basketball team.It was good to talk about those good times. His comments to me were that - I haven't changed since high school - that i kept in good shape. And when I told him that I was separated he said that I won't have anything to worry about. He said - you were a big time baller then and you will be a big time baller now. There were plenty of beautiful women there dancing but what this did was it solidified my thoughts that I was not ready for this and did not want to meet a woman this way. Just not my thing.
Anyways gotta touch up on active listening and validation still.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Just a question- My W is coming over to cleanup the basement of clutter on Thursday. I know to actively listen and validate. I need to keep working and practicing those. Now the last time she came over-the dog we purchased together, was very hesitant to see her after 3 months of her being absent. Even when she bent down to kiss my dog on the top of his head he backed away. Now she did mention when she as leaving that her apartment allows for dogs and that there is a park nearby. Then she said "I'd like to take the dog for a day or maybe a weekend?" My response was "I understand you want to spend time with the dog but I need to think about it." She then gave me a puzzled look and said "really?" I said "Yes- I need to think about it ." And I walked away.
Knowing W she will ask about taking my dog. My feeling is that it looks like my dog doesn't want to spend time with her and be away from me. And secondly , I feel that she could have spent any and all the time in the world with my dog and had interactions with him everyday but she choose to separate and move on . So along with choice of separating comes consequence not having the dog. You guys may think this is controlling but I feel that she made the choice to move out- with that choice she got to live with it. Now how would you guys react when asked if she could take my dog? Thanks in advance for your input . All input is welcomed.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
LoneWlf, your positive attitude and faith are inspiring amidst the suffering we're all enduring. I'd personally say no to taking the dog. Your wife obviously misses many things about home currently and wants to comfort herself but by taking a strong stand and not enabling her further in her selfish decision to leave it seems wise to keep the dog with you. If it was her dog previously then it may be a bit different but it sounds like it's yours.
Nicole- your input is greatly appreciated in terms of positive attitude and faith I am just like everybody else. I struggle with my emotions feeling the full spectrum from the I can conquer all mentality to the can I really do this mentality. In regards to my faith, sometimes I feel as if i don't have faith the size of a mustard seed. I just try to keep moving forward.
My question here is how do I reply to W when she asks for the dog without sounding non caring and controlling? Should I point out that it was her choice to move out and therefore she needs to live with her choices? any input or response is welcomed. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
My question here is how do I reply to W when she asks for the dog without sounding non caring and controlling? Should I point out that it was her choice to move out and therefore she needs to live with her choices? any input or response is welcomed. Blessings!
Yes though I would word it differently. My answer would be a simple: the dog stays with me.
If she pushes it then you can say, you left us, we didn't leave you.
But let her come to the conclusion herself that her choices have consequences. Be short a succinct with all your answers.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
