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You did an excellent job of keeping your anxiety in check. Funerals are stressful on everyone, especially the direct family members. I am glad your D22 and xh attended and he was made to feel welcome. Now, he has a lot to think about and you may not hear from him for a while.

For now, try to keep your focus on today.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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catching up - I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom, exquisitetobe. {{{{{{{xoxoxoxoxoxoxo}}}}}}}

you handled yourself with grace and dignity; I'm sure your mother is beaming with pride!

I know I am.

xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Condolences on your sad loss. The funeral seemed a celebration of love.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Thanks everyone!

D18 said her father called her last week mentionning how great of a mother i am.
He added that he knows i did not spend their child support on myself. He was proud of me and our children.

A few days later, he called her again to make plans to go kayaking with her next week-end. He also said he would give D22 a couple of his kayaks so once she is settled in her new place, they could kayak together. Then, he asked her if she told me what he i said about my motherhood and finances. She said no and he seemed desappointed so today, she told me.

I said: " if he brings it up again, tell him i really appreciate is compliment. I am glad he sees it and WE could not have had the financial security we have without him. "

To D18, i said: " he always said i was a great mother, always. Might be insight and kind gesture toward me? Might be ge feels a bit blue and he' s looking for validation of his part in our life which we should ALL be thankful for. Without his support, there would not have been the cars, the security school bank accounts, the freedom of our adventures exploring our region and beyond..

We should all thank him. It would have a positive impact on him.

Since my mother' s funeral, there has been only one contact between me and ex-h.
I sent him a picture of D18' s apptm. building with the address.
He said: " i hope it' s in a good neighbourhood.

I told him it was close to D22. He rephrased and said: i ' m sure it' s in a good neighbourhood i' m glad she is close to D22.

I said:" so am i and so is D22.

Nothing else so far. We will get the keys Sept 1. I booked a week of my holidays to get her moved and set in.

As for me, my relocation has not been a priority yet. Too many events took place. D18 is priority right now. My turn will come later.

There was a big forest fire in one of the region i was concidering. Fortunately, the town was spared.. scary moment..

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I know every story is different with many similarities.

This is a letter wrote by a man who left is wife and kids for la-la land:




'Don't be me and live with regret': a man's letter to other men tempted to cheat
18:37 03/02/2015 admin

Jacob* left his wife of almost a decade for a woman he had been romancing online. But the grass wasn't greener on the other side. He shares his story with YOU.

"I was you 9 years ago.

I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.

We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.



I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.

We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she 'got' me.

This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.

Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.

I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.

She spent her free time taking care of us -- our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.

Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie -- everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.

We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!

I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual 'Dad' set up.

New beginnings

Life was sweet!

Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.

But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!

We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.

I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.

Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.

Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.

I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I'd treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.

If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.

She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.

I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!

Regret sets in

But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.

And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.

Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.

My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.

Too late

And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.

She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.

I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes -- they got married.

My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.

She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.

It should have been me.

Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.

Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?

Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love."

*Names have been changed.


This story was submitted to YOU by one of our readers and has been minimally edited.


So many stories like this one.. will you stand? Will he/she realise?
What will it take? Is it really worth it?
The choice is YOURS..

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This is awesome. The only problem with it is how sorely it will tempt almost every single LBS who reads it to send it to his/her spouse or to his/her spouse's best friend.

Don't worry, I won't! But boy do I want to.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Oh yes! I'd so love to send that to my XH too!


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Sending this letter will do no good.

This is what most of us are hoping for.. maybe not recon anymore but a realisation on their part. Some kind of apology and regret for their choices.

I read other stories and many people who have reach this point gave their ex another chance and re-lived it all over again years down the road. Once the cheater gets settled and gets bored, they run for it again. They miss the gf or no longer can handle a house full of kids.. constant readjusting. I beleive that they can' t be happy for long period of time.
They do not appreciate what they have. They are constantly looking for excitement no matter what the people around them feel.. these are my observations. The percentage of couples making it after bomb in my region is very low. Not zero but low.

Now, an update:

D18 made plan to go kayaking with her father this week- end.
My truck ( work) came in as my shift was ending. I called D15 to let her know i had to stay and she would have to walk to work. Her shift started at 4h00. I also asked if she saw D18 today. She said she was home and ex-h was on his way to pick her up.
When D15 got to the store, she said ex-h was at the french fry stand and did not offer her a ride to work. She was abit upset because it was 33 degrees outside. Very hot .. i was almost done and decided to stay abit longer to make sure i would not meet up with ex at home.( they had to load D18' s kayak). Well, that did not help. He came to the store. ( it has been months since he showed his face at my work place) . He brought supper for D15 and came to talk to me about D15' s boyfriend. Ex-h has been enquiring to each of us about him and told me he would pick up D15 next week-end and would have a talk with her.

Sounds sweet and caring right? Well i use to think so but now, i always think there is more to it. I truely think he is afraid she will move in with them if i move and he does not want her to.
How many times has he tried to get son out of his place in the past?
He got raid of gf's 2 kids. He says he loves them all but he cannot bare the responsability and obligation that comes with children.

Anyway.. time will tell.... a suivre...

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My one SIL keeps watching my ex for remorse and regret and for the "karma bus". She sees what she thinks is that but has no way of knowing what the reality actually is.

I liked the story you posted but the cynic in me has doubts about the triumph of the LBS and the downfall of the cheating spouse.

Everyone keeps reassuring me that great things are in store for me but I still remember from growing up on a farm that someone has to shovel the sh!t so am doing my best to accept whatever life hands me.

Hopefully in your own case your ex will go back to keeping his distance again. You've been learning new tools I hope to help you cope ((exquisitetobe)).


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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think about it Andrew..

Your ex left with the milk man.. or should we say/ the milk man left with a married woman. hummm??.. that is a fact they both have to deal with. I am pretty sure it is in the back of their minds once in awhile.

also, in your situation, which I will address here since it refer to one of my experiences. Being OM/OW..
Those darn truck drivers are really good at playing women. lol

2 maybe even 3 years after bomb, a truck driver came after me. He called me 2-3 times/day. He would deliver our goods to fit MY schedule in order to spend time with me. I fail for it. It was getting pretty serious and one of my female co-worker cautioned me. She believed he was married. AND HE WAS! Pour guy... I became his wife' s voice. I blasted him with a dose of HER REALITY. this is not the point here..

This is: I felt foolish, angry at myself for believing in his "love for me". I felt low, dirty, ashamed , disgusted with myself.
How could I do to a family what had destroyed mine?

Well... this truck driver is no longer driving. He almost died in a crash. He is still with his wife and he is still cheating on her. He made contact with me last year to tell me they were getting along now but her libido was gone while he was still very much alive. YURK!!! I blocked his phone. He no longer have access to me.

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