Thanks V, Nicole, Jim. It is 4.5 months into BD, and we have finalized mediation terms seems like a crazy fast burning D train. I would trade it for limbo at this point.
Arsh, that's really fast. In some ways that's too fast to even realize what's happening but on the other hand, if it happens so fast, your husband could snap back just as fast once he realizes what he's done. The move-out and actual divorce sound just miserable both are my worst nightmare. I survived one and not yet the other, but you're doing both with a baby and toddler. It's kind of unbelievable. I saw a functional medicine practitioner last fall and described my husband's behavior and how I was raising my daughter alone and she said "I can't believe you haven't had a nervous breakdown." Everyone last year when my husband moved out said I needed to take SSRI's. Maybe I should have tried them but I read there are side effects and it's hard to get off them. In your case you're nursing a baby so you can't really take them, but I bet for a lot of people they're key to getting through something like this. I wish there'd be a way to find out where you live. I'd come to visit you! I'm in the Northeast USA but we can't really offer specifics on this forum. You can join AnotherSTander's DB Society on Facebook although I think he made it private but we could try asking him to re-open it. Otherwise I hope you'll have a few other special friends who will keep you company and check on you when your husband moves out. Limbo would better although in your case there's a high chance divorce is what your husband needs to come back home so hopefully by allowing this to happen and letting him experience his new life it'll bring him back. My guess is once he comes back he'll be very humble and ready to be an improved version of the guy you originally married. It's at least good that he'll still help with the children - my husband is totally gone. Even when I was extremely ill last year and even now when my daughter and I were sick for six weeks street this summer my husband didn't make any effort whatsoever to help. At least if you get sick your husband can help with the kids but I know that doesn't help much in making you feel better. It's just a nightmare and nothing can really lessen the pain except those two beautiful angels you have will never leave you.
Okay, so per your request, I have read your threads and am going to weigh in. Sometimes I don't like doing that, because I tend to be blunt and it might rub posters the wrong way. I also read a lot of posters here that post frequently, however won't follow the rules -- attempt to detach and only focus on their S -- and so I find it to be a waste of my time. I don't think we can help people if they are not willing to do the hard work, or to at least try to. I do see that you are making an effort, and given your circumstances, it is quite impressive! You are one strong mama! And for the record, I see your sitch and your WH's behavior, as VERY different than Nicole's WAH, even if you both are drawing similarities.
Moving on. Arsh, wow, this is really rough. He is running fast and furious. I am sorry that you find yourself here, and with two babies, it is so confusing and painful. You are handling this like a champ tho, and I mean that, you seem much stronger than I was. You seem to be trying to follow the rules, allowing yourself to detach a bit, however you are keeping interactions cordial. It is so, so hard! The fact that he is moving out IMO is a good thing! Let him go! It is much harder to DB when they are right there and around all the time. You deserve a safe place, where you can process your emotions and just be yourself, and him being in the house will make that feel impossible. You can't process all your feelings and focus on your girls with him grumbling around and making jabs.
My strong sense given the details of your sitch is that your WH is completely wayward. I tend to think that when people are running that quickly and crazily, they are not just running away, but they are running towards something (someone). In your sitch that very well could be an OW, and he is just keeping his tracks very well covered. This is usually an affair (EA or PA), but it can also be an infatuation with the idea of someone else that isn't even reciprocating an A (I have seen that here too). This also could explain his erratic behavior and anger towards you. I have seen it here before, and in fact a recent poster names Meg dealt with a similar pattern. Her H became distant, even hostile with her, and wanted out as quickly as possible, however he insisted there was no one else. Low and behold, OW came to surface in time, and she was totally blind sighted by it. He also wanted to move out as quickly as possible. Why??? Just think about it ...
The anger and what feels like an instant "personality change" stems from him trying to justify what he is doing. There is no justifying it tho, because it's selfish and wrong! On some level he knows it, but that guilt is buried as he blames you. So he is constantly looking for ammunition and it could be as simple as you looking at him sideways. It is very hard to understand, so it's not even worth trying to make sense of. My H acted in a similar way when he was in a fog and I completely felt like I didn't recognize him, it was so bazaar and surreal. The good news is that he is moving out and so you can remove yourself (to an extent) from his circus. He may have family and friends that are supporting him and even blaming you too, but please know that he has lied and manipulated them to. That is what waywards do; they bend over backwards to try and justify it because the A is like a drug. The addiction is so strong that they become very good at convincing others (and possibly you) that they have to get out of this toxic M and it is all the W's fault, poor me, wah wah wah! It's all fabricated BS and it's very strange to goo from having a loving and supportive H and father of your kids, to this alien in only a couple months time.
So what can you do? I am afraid there is nothing you can do to stop him or make him "see the light." Oh boy did I try! Never worked. Often the sooner they go out into the real world (out of the marital home and family environment), the more likely their fantasy world will come crashing down. If you read my sitch, that is what happened with my H and his X-OW. The actual R with OW is not going to be how they imagine it, and over time all Rs fall out of the honeymoon period. He may never even get a chance with said OW, but he is giving up you, so that is his choice and he has to face the music. One thing I would suggest would be to not allow any cake eating. NONE. IF he wants to run from his W, family, and home, let him. Let him feel the loss of it All of it. He can see the kids on his visits and thats it. He can only communicate with you via email about boring logistics. No family time, no vacations, and no playing for his needs!.... You keep holding your head up high, carry on with grace, and pretend as if you are a pro at being divorced and co-parenting, as if it's been years down the road. Wake up and read Sandis rule every day. It is okay to mess up and feel terrible. Each day start over. Find support with your trusted people. I agree about a new IC. You need a great one that you trust 100%
You are human and this is devastating. Take care of you and the girls first and foremost! Be kind and loving to yourself. Be proud of who you are. This will get easier, I promise!!!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
That description of the WS "running away" to pursue the AP was very helpful. Thank you. You described my WW very well and put that in to perspective for me.
Arsh,
I have been lurking and reading your threads and I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but I feel like you are doing a great job under the circumstances. Stay strong!
Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s M: 12 S: 7 BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day) OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
Arsh, I know it seems crappy, but my WW basically moved out. I'd see her one night a week for quite sometime. The house actually became more peaceful, I could cook, dance, play music, run around naked. It was fun. The garage door when she'd come home triggered this horrible emotional response for me that was reminiscent of my terrible father coming home and at those points I knew my fun was over.
It [censored] at first, especially when you know they are with the OM/OW. But then you start to find things that interest you. My W is (supposedly) visiting her sister for a few days and she told me yesterday morning that she wants to "try" again. I haven't seen much action to back it up yet, and I had an idea pop into my head: drive by OM's apt/parent's house to make sure her vehicle isn't parked there. But then I realized, why waste an hour of my time screwing around. I'll figure this out eventually by the way she is acting and treating me and decided to work on a new little hobby of mine.
I'm not fully detached but the separation isn't as bad as it sounds right now. I wish I had 2 boys to keep me company. We'd be tearing some "stuff" up if I did.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Blu and Arsh, There just has to be someone out there who Arsh's husband met. Perhaps he doesn't want to have an affair so he put everything on hold and said "let me get divorced and then I'll call you" or something like that. Or perhaps he simply met someone for a night and it opened his eyes to all these new possibilities and made him re-think his whole life. There must have been a trigger. Why did he choose BD at that particular time? Sure having a newborn is stressful and it's tempting sometimes to imagine another life but to suddenly just need an immediate divorce??!!
I remember Arsh you saying that your husband doesn't want to get separated first because he doesn't want to give you any hope. My husband used those same words the week before he took his girlfriend off to Dubai on a celebratory trip.
Blu, I'm curious as to how you think our husbands differ? I can take a guess. Mine is just totally out-of-control in all aspects of his life and has years of history now behaving this way. Arsh's husband sounds like he's still holding down a stable job and caring for the kids. Arsh's husband changed overnight with no prior track record of this behavior. Still, they both came from overseas and married before they got a chance to experience single life in the US (or Canada or wherever Arsh lives). They might both have regrets about "missing out." I have no idea because I've spent way too much time trying to figure out my own husband and I still can't.
Arsh, the good thing is there appears to be total consensus on this forum that your husband isn't leaving because you were too controlling or because you didn't support him enough while he was depressed. Hopefully the collective knowledge of this forum helps in at least reinforcing the fact that you are a responsible mom and wife and you've done everything you can to try to stop this divorce. It seems you've done everything you can do. If you stay busy for a year or two I bet one day you'll get a knock on the door or a surprise phone call and guess who will be sorry?! It's worth addressing with your new IC what you'll do if and when that happens. For now, it seems there's nothing more you really need to do. Perhaps mourn the finalization of the divorce and your husband's move-out and then figure out the best routine for your girls going between you and your husband.
I can tell you I've been doing everything as a single mom 100% on my own and it's possible even though I doubt anyone would choose this as their preferred way of raising kids. It's a strange feeling to make decisions on your own, especially related to choices you make for your children. It takes a while to get used to it. I'm sure there are plenty of members here who will support you during this next stage as well.
Thanks Nicole, V, Blu and DB346. Yes at this time his moving out is for the best. Life will be crazy difficult with such small children, running the house hold and a full time job. But my kids are worth it, every bit of this and more. V, makes sense, he has been very selfish with money too which again is so unlike the old him. Blu, thanks for your inputs. All of you who have lived thru this can see things that newbies like me cannot. I made severe mistakes for 2 months, begged, pleaded, cried, stopped eating and sleeping, took all the blame he laid upon me, told him truthfully that I was thinking of killing myself. I felt that before I turned 35 my life was over and having 2 small babies I was helpless. Over time with more perspective and help of this forum I realized it wasn’t me. But I still stumbled a lot, failed to set boundaries and let him get away with bad behavior. Since all this has started I have not fought with him though, which is a huge 180 for me, first out of shock, then out of hope that he may change if I massage his ego, then by fear to some degree but mostly because I did not feel the need to. i now am able to see a weak, broken person that I once loved more than my own self, I played a role in th decay of the MR I wasn’t perfect but I would move mountains to make it good for the sake of my children and because I believed in us. I don’t think it’s an A, I think he’s mentally lost it and I also know I will not be the first or last of idiotic W who believes their H is not capable of this. When he comes back (yes I believe it is a when) and if I decide to take him back there is a lot of pain and trust issues to overcome. I rely heavily on advice I get from this forum to work thru this, I try my best to act on the suggestions here because if you are too close to the sitch you miss the obvious I am doing my best to turn this around and R, but most of all I WILL give my Ds the best in the world with or without him
Life will be crazy difficult with such small children, running the house hold and a full time job. But my kids are worth it, every bit of this and more.
I wasn’t perfect but I would move mountains to make it good for the sake of my children and because I believed in us.
I am doing my best to turn this around and R, but most of all I WILL give my Ds the best in the world with or without him
Arshi- what I Love about your posts-is that you always stand for what is right and just. Your priorities of putting your children first are most evident in all you write- It is even in your heading"My little daughters". Things seem to be moving in a fast and furious speed for you now. All the more reason you need to be cool , calm, collected and confident. You are doing a great job with all that you have. Continue to be the lighthouse. I will continue to pray for your family. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Arsh...I haven't replied to your sitch before, but like Wlf above I too love hearing you standing for what is right, just and most important. MANY of us feel exactly as you do in the comments Wlf highlighted from you above.
Our support to you may not do much to assuage all of what you are feeling/experiencing, but please know so many others of us are dealing with many of the exact same challenges in our lives. You are not alone!
