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Originally Posted by kiro
One more thought about over-analyzing the Sitch. After a while (it's been a year for me), you realize that you're actually analyzing yourself more than you're analyzing her. You look at all aspects and you try to understand what she did and why, but you cannot enter inside her head. But you still continue thinking... and the more you do, you reach conclusions about yourself, your values, your past, your goals, etc. By trying to understand her and judging her, you end up understanding yourself and judging yourself. By trying to control her behavior, you end up looking at your own behavior. And so on. Anyway, this is how it works for me. Good luck smile


Thanks Kiro!

This is great insight from someone with a lot more experience than me at this point. If by analyzing my W, I can also analyze myself and improve myself, that can only be a good thing.


W 31(WW) Me 32
Married 7 years together 12
1 kid - 1.5 yr old S
BD 23/05/2018
Separated since BD
I moved out 20/06/2018 for my own sanity
OM or just fling? Not sure...
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This works for me because I like to link everything together. I don't like loose ends. I dig deep into things. And there is no way to do this without questioning your own values. You cannot judge her behavior as right or wrong without questioning your own behavior, how you would have behaved in a similar situation, etc. Also when you ask yourself what could have pushed her away, you must admit your flaws and your mistakes. And you must accept them. And so on. You get my point?

But you need to remind yourself that you need to be strong, and you need to stay active and positive as much as you can. This is why this forum is great to share your thoughts and your feelings and to get advise when you start to drift the wrong way (which happens a lot to me). People here will support you, but they are not shy telling you what you are doing wrong wink


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
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Originally Posted by kiro
This works for me because I like to link everything together. I don't like loose ends. I dig deep into things. And there is no way to do this without questioning your own values. You cannot judge her behavior as right or wrong without questioning your own behavior, how you would have behaved in a similar situation, etc. Also when you ask yourself what could have pushed her away, you must admit your flaws and your mistakes. And you must accept them. And so on. You get my point?

But you need to remind yourself that you need to be strong, and you need to stay active and positive as much as you can. This is why this forum is great to share your thoughts and your feelings and to get advise when you start to drift the wrong way (which happens a lot to me). People here will support you, but they are not shy telling you what you are doing wrong wink


I think a big part of the process of healing and moving on is definitely admitting one's own flaws. Especially when analyzing the sitch. It has definitely helped me so far to really figure out a lot of myself that needed improving regardless of what happens with my sitch.

I've found this forum invaluable the last few months for helping me in handling my sitch, especially when they are telling you what you are doing wrong. lol


W 31(WW) Me 32
Married 7 years together 12
1 kid - 1.5 yr old S
BD 23/05/2018
Separated since BD
I moved out 20/06/2018 for my own sanity
OM or just fling? Not sure...
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So, just kind of wanted to say, in the past few days, I've been able to actually not think about her much at all and in not snooping for a long while, it has made everything so much easier. It's allowed me to focus on myself and my S so much more. I've actually felt HAPPY most of this week! It's something I didn't think I would feel again. It actually feels like progress towards detachment.

I am just hoping I don't backslide once I do meet up in person with her to discuss things. I've been practicing validation for our next conversations and in actually being happier, hopefully it will show. I'm thinking I'll do well!

I'm just glad to actually feel happy again and have it not feel forced. smile


W 31(WW) Me 32
Married 7 years together 12
1 kid - 1.5 yr old S
BD 23/05/2018
Separated since BD
I moved out 20/06/2018 for my own sanity
OM or just fling? Not sure...
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Bewas great! Yes, when I dropped the rope (and for me the last piece of that was to stop snooping) it felt freeing.


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M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Bewas great! Yes, when I dropped the rope (and for me the last piece of that was to stop snooping) it felt freeing.


Yeah, snooping has been the hardest thing for me to drop but I've done a great job of it the last while. I still get the odd urge here and there to check if she is still trying to rent out parts of our house without me knowing to help with her bills, but I suppose she is delusional if she actually believes she can legally rent out any part of it without my consent so I shouldn't worry too much about it. I'll never approve of it so long as all my things are there and I am paying my share.

It does feel so much better to be mostly focusing on myself now, that's for sure! Definitely freeing!


W 31(WW) Me 32
Married 7 years together 12
1 kid - 1.5 yr old S
BD 23/05/2018
Separated since BD
I moved out 20/06/2018 for my own sanity
OM or just fling? Not sure...
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How about an update? Hope you are okay.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted by mtb1981
My W says the same things. I also get ,"I come from a divorced family. You don't. So you need to trust me that I know what's best for the kids." Really? The majority of her issues stem from her childhood and being neglected/passed around by her parents. Unfortunately our views towards marriage and divorce are different. I have always been pro marriage and anti divorce. She has claimed that because her parents have divorced multiple times, she doesn't want to do that. Before we got married, she mentioned many times that divorce would not be an option for her because she wanted something better than what her parents had and gave her. Yet here we are. Family background has a lot to do with it in my opinion. My parents have been married for 43 years. Her mom, dad, and grandma are all on their third marriages. With that being the example that was set for her, it's no wonder she views marriage as disposable (even though she said the opposite before we got married). It doesn't help that these are the people giving her marriage advice either. When time get tough, instead of encouraging her to work things out, they tell her that she needs to do whatever it takes to be happy...

Originally Posted by Bewas
My W was very much the same in that she said she would always rather work through our problems than divorce. I came from a much more stable upbringing like you. My father passed away when I was a teenager but other than that, there were almost no divorces or other family shakeups on my side of the family that I can think of. When I married my W, it was for life almost no matter what. It would have taken a lot from her to get me to ask for a D. She was always the same before...until the BD and her overnight personality change that is.

One difference with your sitch and mine is that her family have 100% rejected her decision and it has completely blown up in her face due to her recent behavior. They certainly aren't giving her that kind of encouragement or advice. That's a positive I think. Her new friends on the other hand...that's a different story.

Reading through an old thread and these bolded comments jumped out at me. My parents had their 40th wedding anniversary this year during my sitch whereas each of my W's parents have been married 3 times. While we were dating & engaged W & I had multiple conversations about how she didn't want to be like her mom and how marriage was forever with her, and that reassured me about moving forward with the relationship. However, after BD W told me she was done and didn't have any energy or desire to work on it at all or go to MC with me, and now her mom and step-sister (who has been married multiple times w/affairs and didn't want anything to do with at one point) are both her main confidants. A friend of my sister's who went through a similar situation told me my biggest mistake was marrying someone who had that family history because at a certain age the modeling/learned behavior just kicks in. I think about that from time to time and can't disagree.

Too bad this thread just died off...it would be interesting to know what came of Bewas.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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