Yet Another LBS w/ WAW

[Vanilla]

It doesn't matter if W notices, if you do. And in many ways it's best she doesn't until the point that there is so much shift it creates an amazing contrast.

V

[hongaku]

It doesn't matter if W notices, if you do. And in many ways it's best she doesn't until the point that there is so much shift it creates an amazing contrast.

This makes a lot of sense. Obviously I wouldn't be here if I didn't desire to reconcile with my W, and ultimately I do indeed want her to notice. But you're right, a stark contrast could be the ultimate 180 in a certain way.

You're also absolutely right that becoming a better man for myself is the key to moving my life forward regardless of anything else and that my noticing my shifts is what matters. Intellectually, I know this. It's not easy to keep the emotions out of it though. I do miss my W and kids and being together as a family.

[Vanilla]

Haku

This is a journey not a destination. It's a journey sometimes with detours and other times rest overs.

But it is your journey.

You have a predisposition to working from sadness, each of us has a predominant emotional hormone set up. It is in our genes. My own is fear, so I get super anxious.

The good news is that with mental tools (CBT and NLP for you and I) great nutrition and appropriate exercise we can manage the epigenetic switch to turn it off. I switch off my predisposition to the extreme form of cPTSD, but I may always have the tendency to be anxious, these days though it takes a lot to trigger it because I monitor it and have an intervention.

So too with depression, which is also a mood disorder. The Guernsey website (which is a charity) get.gg has lots of freebie CBT tools to help you monitor and identify the triggers in depression too.

I am also a great believer in the Kindness Method for those of us with mood issues. Mood issues aren't mental illness they are a physiological regulatory matters. This is about having shift in your life by changing what you do to create a virtuous spiral.

It's biohacking your mood issue by testing that which works. For me that was losing weight (Very slowly), exercising and giving up sugar. Which biohacks work? To start with any exercise helped. DUH! Now I go dancing, spin and use weights, now even more specific and I need stretch and deep tissue massage! With food I gave up sugar particularly fruit and almost all white carbs (But new potatoes are ok! Go figure) and I am now no longer type 2 diabetic. So what works for me might not work for you.

I believe in monitoring this stuff, and taking extreme care. Knowing your numbers, if you can afford it a second hand fitness monitor is great including one that tracks sleep. My Fitbit recently broke and it no longer works, I got a second hand Fitbit HR from eBay for 25 sterling about 30 US dollars. It's worth every penny as it tracks and links to a website via Bluetooth. If I ever have the cash I will buy an ouraring which provides feedback. I also track my blood sugar and ketones and log that. But the fit bit is great as it is automated. For a long time I kept a detailed food diary and noted it's effect on mood. But as it's well under control I just get anal on it a couple of times a year. I discovered that bizarrely peanuts and anything peanutty brought on anxiety. You may find for sadness that sugar is an issue. Sleep patterns are also helpful to monitor with mood disorder. I found the ocean and spas more helpful than trekking for instance. Running and high intensity increased Cortisol for me, not good with anxiety so now I do HI IT and dancing.

The point is this is your journey and I would dearly like you to have the courage to know that mood disorders need managing, sometimes very closely and at other times just lightly. But they are what they say on the tin MOOD not charachter or personality. Physiological not Psychology.

The other big thing is to journal, come here and post as that will allow you to observe how far you have come.

It's a long way so far!

I can see that even if you can't.

V

[Vanilla]

I forgot a resource......

Try googling ride a wild horse for an amazing free meditation resource. It's step 4 of a programme but the best bit in my view.

V

[hongaku]

Thanks, V. I haven't tried it yet, but I have the website pulled up and give a go soon.

[hongaku]

Nothing new has really happened since my last long post, so I’m just getting some thoughts and feelings out; please excuse the ensuing verbal cry-fest/rant. I don’t know how to really cope with all of this. I’m so worried about my boys and their future. I’m so confused by the way W is handling things. My family is telling me to consult an attorney. I know they're right, and it will very well come to that. I’m not going to sign any kind of legal documents whatsoever or get into serious discussions about anything outside of a mediation. I don’t even want things to have to come to that. But I honestly don’t know if there’s anything that will change W’s mind the way she acts. She’s really being horrible and it seems like she is going to try and be extremely selfish and vindictive during this process if it keeps going the way she’s taking it.

I just want to work things out, I just want her to give me the chance to prove myself with no depression holding me back. With a genuine motivation to make myself better and our life together better. Our family better. I know that statistically, this will likely end in divorce. I don’t know how to reconcile that emotionally. I know myself well enough to know that it’s going to take me years to come to terms with this. How can she just throw away 20 years of loving attachment? How can she think it’s ok to hurt our boys like this? I didn’t do anything so bad as to warrant this. It’s not like I expect her to just take me back with nothing to show for it. I accept being separated if it means she’ll get to see a stark contrast between how I was before and how I’m becoming. But she closes her eyes to it, she closes herself to me altogether. She won’t allow the possibility of just talking. Of just being friendly. I’m not trying to rush things, I want to go slowly because I want her to see that I’m sincere and absolutely serious about improving things. Really improving things. The only way I see that we can truly all come through this happier and healthier is as an intact family. I know we could be better than ever. I can see it so clearly. But she doesn’t want to. I can’t let go of hope though. Maybe it’s the hope of a fool. Probably so, but I just can’t walk away from my family like that.

If push comes to shove, I’m going to have to stand up for my rights. Should it come to be that way, I will do everything I can to keep the boys from being even more damaged than this process is already going to leave them. I will not be vindictive to W, but I will not give up my rights and I will not be sidelined as a father and parent. I’m very saddened at the thought of things getting ugly between us – it won’t help anything now and for the future. Why is she doing this? I can ask myself this forever and never understand why this is the only path she can see. Why is her heart so hardened? Why is she being such a stone-cold b***h? I understand that she didn’t arrive at this decision overnight, but the flip in personality from kindness to total b***h who treats me like I committed horrible atrocities is simply insane to me. I’ve spent the last 20 years loving her with all my heart, and I still love her with all my heart. I haven’t been perfect, and in some ways I have indeed been a bad partner and depression has made me a not very fun person to be around the last few years especially, but I embrace my responsibility for that and am so, so ready to spend the rest of my days making up for it. All I want is to be a better man, a better partner and a better father. I know I can’t tell her any of this. Some of it, maybe one day if things turn around at all. But I can’t help how I’m feeling and I miss my family so much.

Rant over.

[DB346]

This post sounds exactly the way I feel. In my case the answer to all of those questions is the A with OM. Her entire personality, and who she is has completely changed. She has always been an amazing mom, but now she barely sees our son, though she wanted full custody in the separation agreement, which I categorically refused to agree to.

You need to focus on improving yourself, beat the depression and be the best version of you that you can possibly be. I know how hard that is to see and do, but if you can do that and she still doesn't choose to come back to you, then you know that you deserve better. Don't give up hope, but DO give up the expectation that your W will come around.

[hongaku]

Thanks, DB346. In my sitch, no OM or anything like that, but really, the difference at a certain point is not really relevant. The ultimate takeaway is that she sees the potential for a better life without me more than she does being able to make what we have better. Whether that was with an OM or simply by herself, the basic idea is still the same. I'm not what she wants anymore. I certainly have no expectations of any kind. Hope is indeed all I have.

I'm definitely focused on improving myself and the depression is under control with IC and medication. I'm immensely sorrowful and in pain over the sitch, but I'm not sitting here telling myself how much of a waste of a life I am and feeling suicidal like I would if I was still in the throes of clinical depression. If I hadn't finally sought treatment and this happened, there's a high chance I wouldn't be here typing anything right now.

I know that all I can do is become the best me I can either way. She will change her mind or she won't, it's completely up to her in the end. We still have 3 boys to raise into manhood either way as well. So whatever happens with the relationship, we are still going to need to co-parent effectively. As a couple or as exes, we still have these little guys to look out for. I will refuse to get into the gutter and make things ugly, for all of our sakes. Property, money, things. They don't mean much in the long run, but those kids are not an asset to be fought over and I will not perpetuate an atmosphere of vitriol between myself and their mother. I will as I have always done teach them to love, cherish and respect her. No matter what.

[Vanilla]

The key thing Haku is YOU.

You are the one here and you are the one working on real shift.

Proud of your progress.

V

[DB346]

That was very well said Hongaku. I'm trying to be able to work with her to raise our son, but I feel like she doesn't even care to spend time with him and is just using him as a way to try to control me. She just leaves him with her mom and dad and spends the vast majority of her time at OM's apartment. I've had to be more assertive to tell her that I am going to keep him with me more, and not return him to her Mom's, but I had to do it in a way that didn't accuse her of anything. I think you have the right attitude here, and with no OM in the picture it feels like you have a decent chance of saving this. Hopefully your W will be able to put aside her stubbornness and not let her parents make or influence her decisions.