Who would have ever thought that just mere 14 months after having the happiest day of my life and getting married to the man I love and adore... I would be looking for help and posting here.
I am opening this thread as I would welcome any advice and comments, as well as your own experiences and of course I will share mine. I must admit that even reading this forum gives me so much strength and realisation that I am not alone in this.
So I will start with a back up story. I met my future husband 3 years ago online ... since the day we met I found him very attractive and incredibly quickly we fell in love and I partly moved in while keeping my apartment. I am 34 now, and my husband is 61. I am aware of the age gap but it never really bothered me as he is very active and very young looking. It is his first and my second marriage. None of us have children even though I would very much like to have them. I communictaed my desires very clearly and he knew that it was one of the reasons why I want to be in the relationship and getting married. I did think it was strange that he has never been married before, apparently he cancelled the engagement in his 40ies. So we dated for about 9 months and I was gently started to talk about the future until the day he told me- "I don't see myself as a father." The next day I left even though I was hurt but it didn't want to waste more time. He did try text me and even wrote a handwritten letter asking to stay friends to which I didn't reply. And then some 6 months later he came back with a ring... much to my shock and surprise and he asked me to marry him and told me that he wants children. I don't know why he had such change in heart but he said that love is the most important thing and he didn't want to lose me...
Then one day around two months after we got married I didn't get pregnant and I felt quite upset about it and I didn't talk in the car for about 2 hours (I would put it down to PMS), he then all of the sudden thought that our relationship is bad and we have communication issues and we should postpone with having children... During this time also his business suffered although I have continued my work which I love. So our relationship has spiralled down ever since that car journey to which I have apologised... he stopped all intimacy and I just got more upset and I didn't hide it. We tried councelling (my initiative) which he hated. I have been crying, blaming, begging, pretending... and it has got just worse. Until I found about Last Resort Technique and this forum several months ago. I have had a few setbacks but now I have been on course with LRT and GAL for 2 weeks and I intend to continue it as long as it takes. it makes me feel more confident. Meanwhile H has withdrawn completely... he goes to bed only when I am asleep and wakes up before me. He doesn't kiss or hug me and we haven't had sex for about a year now. I have stopped all R talk and blaming and crying... now I am pretending that his moods don't affect me. I am also trying to stay at work as long as possible and going out with my girlfriends.
My only worry is that I might 'break' and go off these changes out of loneliness and frustration. I truly miss intimacy and I feel that this man is not the one I got married to. Maybe he is depressed because of his business and I am not sure how and if I should support him. Everything I have said before is like speaking to a wall.
I really want to save this marriage but I also want to feel loved not being with a grumpy husband...
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you so much for this. The most difficult part now is detaching and keeping cool about the situation with him. At the moment I am just trying to get out of the house as much as possible. It is something I haven't done before and a part of me worries that I might push him away by doing so. I am staying at work until about 6 pm today and then at 8 pm I am going out for a dinner with a friend. So I will be home for about an hour or so... in that hour I am pretending to be happy, confident and chatty. It is so difficult! But at least I am doing something entirely different than before... hpefully the results will come.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So I went out with my girlfriend and cane back better the midnight and I got up earlier than he did.. We seem not talk at all as I don’t initiate conversation anymore and he just chooses to give me the silent treatment and disappear into another room to look at his laptop. It hurts! But not as much as it used to... I guess that’s a progress.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
I was just thinking about the same as one f the posts here.. will I ever be loved again by my husband? We had such a wonderful start and we never had an argument before the wedding. Obviously my crying and blaming that he changed his mind about having children hasn't helped... but I can't help but wonder.. how long /if we will ever be happy again. I came home today after the meeting and trying to be smiling and fun but he was his usualdistant self. Now I escaped for a few hours outside the house so I don't need to feel frustrated and I can just relax. I miss him... I miss the man I though I married to and I miss the life I though we were going to have and we had...
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Oh my goodness... I screwed up, again!!! We went put to a sporting event and I ended up being horrible to him. I even don’t know why ... I missed his love so much. All my hard work in the last 2 weeks is gone and he is talking divorce again :((((((( please help :(((
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
This divorce busting - is it pretension? I can only pretend for so long ... I want to give my husband love and fun, does Db allow it? I tried not touching him for a week but he even got more distant and it all blew up yesterday. He seems to like my love and attention.. can I do it? He also says he loves me but that we are not talking. He has decided that we can’t talk and I can’t seem to change his mind about it no matter what I do. So what can I do to make it work? Maybe DB is not for everyone? Are there other methods/ ways to get our marriage back on track?
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
I really feel that the only answer to this is love... and it starts with self love... while still loving him and giving him the space. I am not oging to fall of the horse again. I probably need theraphy to increase my self confidence and not to feel needy.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
