Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
JLS, I see that your husband is 61. And your are 34.

I know you probably get tired of the age issue from outsiders, as you probably hear lots of things about it. But it is kind of the elephant in the room so I will just go ahead and broach the subject. How much of your current issues do you think is related to the age difference?

I know you said he is young looking, active, etc. That's great.

But a 61 year-old business owner is in a completely different place than a 34 year-old. You obviously want to have kids. He is looking at retirement in a few years. Do you see how those two things could be at odds? Say you got pregnant right now. He'd be 79 when his son or daughter went off to college. I don't know your financial sitch, but most of us would be in a sheer panic at the thought of paying for college, 18 years from now, in retirement.

The sudden proposal after the "not wanting to be a father" issue is alarming. I'm 49 years old. If something happened to my W and I started being pursued by a 22 year-old, I might be willing to tell her anything in order to land her! I am not saying that is what he did, but he due to love he might have really even meant it at the time. But after the wedding, when the reality of you moving forward with having kids set in, thoughts like the above might have been in the back of his head.

Obviously, the important thing is that you want to save your marriage. So DBing is going to give you the best opportunity for that. I am not sure LTR is the right approach though. LTR is for a very specific set of circumstances. (Have your read DB/DR??) I think the approach you want to take is GAL, 180s, and detachment. Being the spouse only a fool would leave!

However, I do think you need to deal with the kids issue. I think that is a giant vortex in the middle of your MR. There is going to be resentment for a long time to come from either or both of you if that isn't resolved satisfactorily.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
M
MrsJLS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
Dear Steve85. Thank you so much for your post and I couldn't agree more than yes, children issue, is very important for me and it may or may not, after the wedding when the reality kicked in- have scared him off again. The most upsetting thing is that it was the very same reason of my divorce to my first husband. Although looking back I| believe that DB/DR would have helped,. I married very young and I didn't talk about having children the first tiem round until when I was about 25/26 he said a definite no to children I decided to divorce. Funny enough we got back together after the divorce but by then it was too late for me and my heart and I wanted to start with someone else while I am still young. So I met my current husband and I was very open to my willingness of having children. Oh well.. Maybe I have a type!! But it is ridiculous that the second husband I got married to does not want children. Maybe I am not meant to have them?
He does keep telling that we have communication issues and we don't talk. It has gone so far that I have been very conscious about what I talk that it almost became natural... I really want to sort that and have some fun conversations and be natural..

But now he wants to divorce- he even confirmed this to me this morning although I am cooking supper tonight for myself and him.

I don't think being an older father bothered him too much because his own dad had a second marriage when he had 3 children in his mid/late sixties. The children (his stepbrother and step sisters) told me that they couldn't have happier childhoods and better dad and they wouldn't change it for the world ... so he has a real sample in his family. Also being 61 and getting married for the first time was a major step for my husband, he had time to think it through, his friends were surprised too.. they thought he would be an eternal batchelor... and I believe he is a family man and would make a wonderful father. I work and have career too and there is no problem with finances etc. We are both attractive, tall ... and friends have often told us that we make a good looking couple...

maybe I am convincing myself?

The bottom line is that I love him. I really do.


W34 H61
M1 T3
June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
M
MrsJLS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
I ordered the DR book from Amazon and waiting for it to arrive.


W34 H61
M1 T3
June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
MrsJLS.
Sorry to hear about your issues and I wish you the best.
Listen to Steve85 and any of the Vets that take an interest in your situation.
Read the DR book when it comes, you can read chapter 1 on here to get you started.
It is not an easy process and from a man who's been with his W (may be STBXW for over 20 years) I can say that any marriage is not perfect, but my true belief is love can overcome everything. I am struggling very much with the advice that I am given here. Patience is THE key. Become a better you. A spouse that only a fool would leave. Having kids is a HUGE issue in your sitch, so that is something you have to address and decide on, but knowing who You, knowing you are in the marriage through choice and because you want to be with your spouse, means a great deal to your self esteem and their desire to be with you.

Just my input IMO


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
M
MrsJLS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
Thank you JustSad. I appreciate anyone who has something to say and I am taking it all on my stride. Could I please have a link to the first chapter. I can't seem to find it.

Yes, I want to make it work. I also want to become the best person I possibly can be.


W34 H61
M1 T3
June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2374006#Post2374006

Above is the link for Chapter 1 for Dr.

The reason we are all here, to find a way to make it work. In the meantime, knowing and realizing that the first sentence may not be an option, be the best YOU you can be!

I don't know if it was Lonewolf or not, but I think he said that nothing is more attractive to a WAS/WS than when a LBS is walking away. Take that to heart!

All the best, it is not fun, but this board is an amazing place to sound off before "going" off on your spouse. Be smart, this a marathon and not a sprint. As you read through the situations going on here, you realize that the WAS/WS did make the decision to move on, but the LBS has a lot of the power in whether they work on the MR or decide to move on. You are not powerless, nor do you have all of the control. You are only in charge of you. No one else knows your situation better than you and of course your spouse. The input you will receive from this board will be invaluable! but YOU have to decide what is best for you and your MR.

My Best wishes and I will be following along. I don't comment often, just on here today due to my sitch, but if I think I have something to add, I definitely will.


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
M
MrsJLS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
JustSad- wonderful advice thank you. I will start with myself first, refocus and also pray for the highest good.

H arrived at home tonight after visiting a friend whose wife is dying of Motor Neurone Disease (well, that's puts things into the whole different perspective) and I already had supper on its way. I love cooking, it is one of the things I really enjoy doing and a little part of me believes that it is a way to any man's heart... he used to say that he married me because of my cooking. So I polished up my own tricks... we talked about his friend and his poor wife (interestingly that they got married after her diagnosis and after living together for more than 20 years). Anyhow, my H was eating and saying how delicious and healthy it was. And I was joking in my self depricating way that it is just my way of earning a few brownie points as my bank called me that I am running out of my brownie credits. That seemed to bring a smile for H (yess!!). One of the things we used to share was our jokes and the same sense of humour- I used to find him incredibly funny and we used to laugh so much before all this started... I would love to bring it back - our light hearted jokes.. H didn't mentioned Divorce or our disastrous last night...

I am just going through some resource threads now- some amazing advice. I am feeling a bit more positive... can't wait for a book to arrive.


W34 H61
M1 T3
June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
M
MrsJLS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
We live in London and today we are off to Dorset for a weekend to visit his friends- two couples who have been married for more than 25 years, all around my H age and older. I made a stupid mistake to call one of these friends about 6 months ago when I was at my wits end and while crying on the phone I told her how neglectful my H is that he let me down in such a major way. She seemed very supportive at the time but then I found out that she took the sides and told my H everything... but I was silly. Of course she would take his side beacaue I am a much younger wife and a foreigner and they all very English and been friends for some 40 years. I remember that she texted him ( I used to get access to my H phone.. I know.. bad- all this was before I was looking for support and found this forum) in the text she wrote- that I am a Bunny Boiler, suicadal and will do something bad to him. It was unbelievably hurtful as I never indicated anything like that, she must have been sick in the head to write something like that. Since then I haven't told her anything and she would be the last person I would call in times of distress, however I am still seeing his friends often and I have to keep up with appearances... of course they all know now about our troubles since that call. I will do my best to be the best person I am...


W34 H61
M1 T3
June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
I will be absolutely straight with you.

I think your H is sensible in his desire for a childfree life. In 10 years time an 8 year old may be a problem for him.

I know you love your H, but it is likely to come to a decision of children or M. In 30 years time you are likely to be alone so think very carefully about your decision. If you decide to have a child by H and make that a unilateral decision then I believe he will walk anyway. He didn't think this through properly. His friends may think you tricked him into M which isnt the case, but it leaves you very isolated and unsupported. I hope you have a good friend IRL who can guide you a little.

Age gap M with the gap as large as yours have a less than 1% chance of survival. The odds are heavily stacked against you in this M. That's just stats though.

As long as you are here and wanting to DB your M then this is a good place to be.

V


Last edited by Vanilla; 07/21/18 03:15 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
M
MrsJLS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
Vanilla - wow that was some straight talking and I totally respect and value what you have to say. I know that my case is unusual but I also know couples who have done it and it works. I am probably convincing myself because of my love for H. I don’t want to divorce ... I love him and want to be with him. None of us know What will happen in the next 5 minutes. I am aware that I am going against the odds and even if we end up having children together...I do face a high probability of them losing their father early in their lives. Yet this is the decision I have made in my wedding day ... and so did he or at least he told me so. I really don’t know what to do because I do want to save the marriage and have a family with my H.


W34 H61
M1 T3
June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Page 2 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard