Advice Needed To Deal With WW - Part 3

[Bewas]

Part 3 of my journey with a WW - GAL but still detaching.

Link to the last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2797362#Post2797362

[Bewas]

Well, I'm continuing my GAL today with paintballing Feels better getting out doing things I haven't done in awhile!

My W is dropping off my S tonight for my week with him. I've missed him. I still can't understand how she doesn't think this is going to affect negatively him going forward. It's was always the same from her ..."my parents got divorced and I turned out fine" (yeah...sure you did...) or "lots of kids grow up through divorce" (yeah and have issues throughout life because of it). Oh well, I guess she will do and say whatever in her own mind to justify what she is doing to her family.

[LoneWlf]

"my parents got divorced and I turned out fine" (yeah...sure you did...) or "lots of kids grow up through divorce"

You know B- I hear that often too and I still don't understand it. How can a child benefit from D? I understand that the child may have to overcome adversity but I'm tired of people saying -they will be ok. Ask a child if they are ok with this ping pong match with mom and dad. One day at moms next day at dads.


Some short term effects of D
If your child is too young to understand the situation fully he or she might feel guilty or responsible for the divorce.
Your child may become increasingly aggressive, violent and/or uncooperative, lashing out at both you and your partner, his or her friends and teachers
Or, he or she may become emotionally needy out of fear of being abandoned.
Your child may begin exhibiting “hermit-like” behavior and/or become depressed.
Feelings of anger and resentment may surface and be directed towards both you and your former spouse/partner for deciding to split-up.
He or she may lose the ability to concentrate which could then affect school work and academic performance.
Intense feelings of grief and loss may arise, or
You may notice the occurrence, re-emergence or increase of bedwetting if your child is younger.

Long Term effects of D

be less educated.
experience poverty and/or socio-economic disadvantage.
exhibit anti-social behavior as well as other behavioral problems.
suffer from drug and/or alcohol addictions.
get married or cohabit at an earlier age.
become teenage parents or conceive a child outside of marriage,or experience separation and/or divorce themselves.

Every child will react differently to the situation and you may find that your child continues acting normally despite the divorce. However, to avoid any of these problems from occurring, or at least to try and lessen the impact of the divorce on your child, you must ensure that he or she does not get caught in the middle of the divorce and try to maintain a close relationship with your child as well as ensure constant communication.

Now how do they benefit from this?

[mtb1981]

My W is dropping off my S tonight for my week with him. I've missed him. I still can't understand how she doesn't think this is going to affect negatively him going forward. It's was always the same from her ..."my parents got divorced and I turned out fine" (yeah...sure you did...) or "lots of kids grow up through divorce" (yeah and have issues throughout life because of it). Oh well, I guess she will do and say whatever in her own mind to justify what she is doing to her family.

My W says the same things. I also get ,"I come from a divorced family. You don't. So you need to trust me that I know what's best for the kids." Really? The majority of her issues stem from her childhood and being neglected/passed around by her parents. Unfortunately our views towards marriage and divorce are different. I have always been pro marriage and anti divorce. She has claimed that because her parents have divorced multiple times, she doesn't want to do that. Before we got married, she mentioned many times that divorce would not be an option for her because she wanted something better than what her parents had and gave her. Yet here we are. Family background has a lot to do with it in my opinion. My parents have been married for 43 years. Her mom, dad, and grandma are all on their third marriages. With that being the example that was set for her, it's no wonder she views marriage as disposable (even though she said the opposite before we got married). It doesn't help that these are the people giving her marriage advice either. When time get tough, instead of encouraging her to work things out, they tell her that she needs to do whatever it takes to be happy...

[Bewas]

"my parents got divorced and I turned out fine" (yeah...sure you did...) or "lots of kids grow up through divorce"

You know B- I hear that often too and I still don't understand it. How can a child benefit from D? I understand that the child may have to overcome adversity but I'm tired of people saying -they will be ok. Ask a child if they are ok with this ping pong match with mom and dad. One day at moms next day at dads.


Some short term effects of D
If your child is too young to understand the situation fully he or she might feel guilty or responsible for the divorce.
Your child may become increasingly aggressive, violent and/or uncooperative, lashing out at both you and your partner, his or her friends and teachers
Or, he or she may become emotionally needy out of fear of being abandoned.
Your child may begin exhibiting “hermit-like” behavior and/or become depressed.
Feelings of anger and resentment may surface and be directed towards both you and your former spouse/partner for deciding to split-up.
He or she may lose the ability to concentrate which could then affect school work and academic performance.
Intense feelings of grief and loss may arise, or
You may notice the occurrence, re-emergence or increase of bedwetting if your child is younger.

Long Term effects of D

be less educated.
experience poverty and/or socio-economic disadvantage.
exhibit anti-social behavior as well as other behavioral problems.
suffer from drug and/or alcohol addictions.
get married or cohabit at an earlier age.
become teenage parents or conceive a child outside of marriage,or experience separation and/or divorce themselves.

Every child will react differently to the situation and you may find that your child continues acting normally despite the divorce. However, to avoid any of these problems from occurring, or at least to try and lessen the impact of the divorce on your child, you must ensure that he or she does not get caught in the middle of the divorce and try to maintain a close relationship with your child as well as ensure constant communication.

Now how do they benefit from this?

So far, my S is far too little to show a lot of effects thus far. I have noticed though, especially when W and I were still living together, he started having a lot of night terrors which was abnormal for him. I'm positive he knew something was wrong.

The list of effects is worrying to say the least...

I'm going to do as much as I possibly can to negate them to the best of my ability.

Children benefit in no way due to D. WW are simply delusional to think otherwise. Or anyone that thinks that.

Thanks for the input LoneWlf!

[Bewas]

My W is dropping off my S tonight for my week with him. I've missed him. I still can't understand how she doesn't think this is going to affect negatively him going forward. It's was always the same from her ..."my parents got divorced and I turned out fine" (yeah...sure you did...) or "lots of kids grow up through divorce" (yeah and have issues throughout life because of it). Oh well, I guess she will do and say whatever in her own mind to justify what she is doing to her family.

My W says the same things. I also get ,"I come from a divorced family. You don't. So you need to trust me that I know what's best for the kids." Really? The majority of her issues stem from her childhood and being neglected/passed around by her parents. Unfortunately our views towards marriage and divorce are different. I have always been pro marriage and anti divorce. She has claimed that because her parents have divorced multiple times, she doesn't want to do that. Before we got married, she mentioned many times that divorce would not be an option for her because she wanted something better than what her parents had and gave her. Yet here we are. Family background has a lot to do with it in my opinion. My parents have been married for 43 years. Her mom, dad, and grandma are all on their third marriages. With that being the example that was set for her, it's no wonder she views marriage as disposable (even though she said the opposite before we got married). It doesn't help that these are the people giving her marriage advice either. When time get tough, instead of encouraging her to work things out, they tell her that she needs to do whatever it takes to be happy...

My W was very much the same in that she said she would always rather work through our problems than divorce. I came from a much more stable upbringing like you. My father passed away when I was a teenager but other than that, there were almost no divorces or other family shakeups on my side of the family that I can think of. When I married my W, it was for life almost no matter what. It would have taken a lot from her to get me to ask for a D. She was always the same before...until the BD and her overnight personality change that is.

One difference with your sitch and mine is that her family have 100% rejected her decision and it has completely blown up in her face due to her recent behavior. They certainly aren't giving her that kind of encouragement or advice. That's a positive I think. Her new friends on the other hand...that's a different story.

Thanks Mtb!

[AnotherStander]

My W is dropping off my S tonight for my week with him. I've missed him. I still can't understand how she doesn't think this is going to affect negatively him going forward. It's was always the same from her ..."my parents got divorced and I turned out fine" (yeah...sure you did...) or "lots of kids grow up through divorce" (yeah and have issues throughout life because of it).

Well she's not wrong about that, lots of kids come from divorced parents and grow up just fine. Would it be better for the kids to keep the M intact? Of course, definitely. But life is full of adversity and we all have to deal with it and keep moving forward. Kids survive D, terrible injuries and illnesses, deaths in the family, broken hearts from relationships, etc. It's part of growing up. As parents we want nothing more than to shield them from the pain of life, but we can't. All we can do is support and nurture them as they go through it. If our spouse leaves us then we need to double down on being the best parent we can to help soften the blow to the kids, which can be particularly tough when we're struggling to deal with it ourselves.

Oh well, I guess she will do and say whatever in her own mind to justify what she is doing to her family.

She may say that but inside she knows it's hurting them and she more than likely does feel terrible about it. But yes she will say things like that to try and make it seem like everything is OK. Avoid telling her that it's hurting them though, because the more you try to guilt-trip her then the more adamant she will be that it's best for the kids.

[Bewas]

My W is dropping off my S tonight for my week with him. I've missed him. I still can't understand how she doesn't think this is going to affect negatively him going forward. It's was always the same from her ..."my parents got divorced and I turned out fine" (yeah...sure you did...) or "lots of kids grow up through divorce" (yeah and have issues throughout life because of it).

Well she's not wrong about that, lots of kids come from divorced parents and grow up just fine. Would it be better for the kids to keep the M intact? Of course, definitely. But life is full of adversity and we all have to deal with it and keep moving forward. Kids survive D, terrible injuries and illnesses, deaths in the family, broken hearts from relationships, etc. It's part of growing up. As parents we want nothing more than to shield them from the pain of life, but we can't. All we can do is support and nurture them as they go through it. If our spouse leaves us then we need to double down on being the best parent we can to help soften the blow to the kids, which can be particularly tough when we're struggling to deal with it ourselves.

Oh well, I guess she will do and say whatever in her own mind to justify what she is doing to her family.

She may say that but inside she knows it's hurting them and she more than likely does feel terrible about it. But yes she will say things like that to try and make it seem like everything is OK. Avoid telling her that it's hurting them though, because the more you try to guilt-trip her then the more adamant she will be that it's best for the kids.

Well, I think that yes, of course kids will have to deal with adversity growing up, that's just part of life. Some will turn out fine but others will carry it with them growing up and throughout life. The main issue I have with statements from her like that is she herself is so very far from "fine" and is just so blind to it. I believe she has been affected by it her entire life whether she admits it or not. Her sisters say they've been affected by it a lot their whole lives so I'm sure she is the same. To do it willingly to your own S for no good reason is disgusting to me. I do plan on being the best parent I possibly can be to my S to help him through this regardless of outcome.

I'm far removed from trying to convince her of anything anymore. I believe that yes, deep down she too knows it's wrong but is either powerless to stop herself or is just convincing herself it's fine anyway that she can.

[TBSakaJ9]

Be there for your son and you have to let her be. Very early on my oldest D was crying in the car because she missed mommy. I thought I needed to let her know since it is her D as well. When I told my EW it went in one ear, out the other, and she acted like it was no big deal.....she just stared at me with this blank look on her face. Saying anything will do no good.......unless your S is really struggling you just need to handle it.

I think they know it's wrong but they are making the choice to do what they are doing and I do believe they are fully aware of their actions. They probably care, they just don't care enough to stop or do anything different because I think it is at the core who they are as people.

Looking back my EW has always been selfish..........she is just now selfish on steroids.

[Bewas]

Well, today is my birthday...not exactly the happiest of birthdays considering the circumstances unfortunately...

I did end up doing a lot for my birthday early over the weekend and it was fun and I do plan on getting out tonight after work. I think I'll probably be more affected by the situation today than normal. I'm not sure if it was due to it or not but I had one of the worst sleeps last night in the last month. I had been sleeping much better of late otherwise. This will be the first birthday I've had without her in 12 years...still, I need to focus the best I can on detaching and just enjoying the day for what it is.

It will be tough today though...