Just got home from my date. We were with each other for a couple of hours. Nervous at first but hit my stride about 30 min in. We had good convo, shared similar interests but I don’t know if I felt it in my bones. She knows my neighbors, attend church together and we live less than a mile from each other. She said she had fun but we did not kiss, maybe she was shy but I didn’t feel the vibe from her. She was not giving off any noticeable lady signs that she wanted it to happen. She was cute but I don’t know if I was overly attracted to her. I hate to compare to my ew but she was not as fit.....only date number 3 but I feel like I long road to go. I would ask her out on a 2nd date but I am not sure anything would change. Attracted I guess some but I don’t feel like oh hell yeah this is a no brainer. Due to our connections a little apprehensive......ugh I don’t think I like OLD.....so far I feel a sense of disappointment. When you know do you know?????? She seemed to lack confidence as well......maybe that is due to her being a widow but I know it isn’t her first date also.
Last edited by job; 07/15/1812:31 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Remember this is just a first meeting (which is why it should be a coffee date, and no you shouldn't have kissed her.)
Do you think you felt disappointed because of her looks or her personality? Or did you expect all the excitement of a real first date? Again, this is not a date, just a MEET.
Now, I will say one thing about instant attraction - it's not always s reliable indicator and attraction can develop over time.
My ex husband wasn't my "type" when I met him - yet I came to find him very attractive.
I had "instant attraction " with my Love Avoidant friend - he's perfect for me and tall dark and handsome - but also a broken person who has ghosted me for the past 2 1/2 months. That kind of instant attraction isn't worth much is it?
CMM meanwhile is not my usual physical type. He's average height (I've had a thing for very tall men) , not broad shouldered, thin, not particularly youthful. But he's smart and kind and adores me so I've given him a chance and you know what? He's growing on me!
When we were younger we often dated peeps in our circle. We got to know them quite a bit first before even dating.
I always give a guy two dates, one meet up (to ensure he isn't creepy man or a faker guy) and one fuller date. That works well. One date a week. Peeps grow on you as you get to know them and the more you know them the more attractive they become.
No kissing until date 3!
KML has much more dating experience than me, but it seems ok to me.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Ok this helps to put it into perspective..........i think I was disappointed in her looks. She wasn’t as toned and petite as what I expected based on what I saw in her pictures but she was cute. She seemed to laugh a ton but but I seemed to control the conversation. I was the one asking her most of the questions and I didn’t feel her personally come out. Maybe she was nervous, she..... but she did say she had fun. Maybe she was lacking confidence, when I pulled up in her driveway we sat their for a min, she did say it was awkward.....we kind of laughed. Said thank you, I had fun and she got out of the car and walked inside. I waited until she got inside her house before i left. No hugs, kissing, touching, etc. I didn’t feel that vibe but now I am ok with it.
I definitely think that you should give it a second chance. Remember, you just met a stranger.
When I first started this OLD BS, if I didn't feel this automatic connection, then I didn't give it a second chance. Now, if the first date was good, but no fireworks, I give it a second chance. You feel a little more comfortable and you can be more yourself and something else might come out with that.
You do seem to have a physical "type". You like them tiny and toned. Which of course is fine. That's your thing. But, I would look to see if it's because your exW was tiny and toned, or that is really all you are attracted to? I get that for a very long time, that's what you have known, so it might be hard to look outside the box.
hey, we all know I just jumped outside of my "box" or possible imagination of what I am attracted to. And woah, crazy amounts of attraction.
Stay open-minded, and don't be afraid to give a second chance. If it's not growing your interest after the second date, move on.
That’s what I am struggling with G.........my ex is 5’4 and 115 on a good day.....I know I shouldn’t do it but I guess it is hard after being with someone for 17years. Outside of the potential looks concern she checks off about every other box.....young kids, I could walk to her house in 15 min, similar interests, we go to the same church, know the same people, she likes to work out like I do......I asked her if she had any quirks and she said eats the same thing for breakfast every day......well I do to . So yeah.....I think it is mental for me.....I remember when I first met my ew not being entirely sold on her......
How do I start to work outside th box? I take good care of myself, I am not perfect but I guess I kind of expect the same and since men are visual creatures then it starts
OK. This may or may not help. Your ex is super tiny, out of the norm, especially for moms who aren't in their 20's.
So, tell me more about this woman...… tell me what she really did look like.
You need to put yourself into a mindset that you've only been with thin and toned. Do you know what it is like to feel a curvy woman? Is it an experience you have ever had?
I take good care of myself. I go to the gym, I eat good half of the time. But I fall into the curvy/athletic category. I am not thin. I am not fat. My body time I guess says " I like to exercise, but I also like beer, wine, and good food"
Enjoying the good things in life doesn't mean someone doesn't take care of themselves. That's why I find "dad bod" so hot. Some nice strong arms, a little bit of a belly, and I can tell it's someone who takes care of themselves, but still enjoys the good things in life. My current man is obessing over his dad bod and is going for some sort of perfection. I told him why I love the dad bod so much and he never really thought woman thought that way. I told him a woman who enjoys herself does!
I have met think people who don't take care of themselves. Just genetics. I have met bigger people who are in the gym every day.
FF was a bigger guy, he was my first too. But he was a cutie, we could grab a beer and burger, and go to the gym. I liked it.
If you are really unattracted, don't go on. But if it's because she doesn't fit some particulars of your type, I would say open up your horizons! Go outside of the box, just a little, one step at a time.
I am the same way......I work out so I can eat what I want....to a certain degreee She is a brunette, 37, 2 kids 9 and 5. Arms are toned but not skinny toned if that makes sense.....waist down.......thicker than what I am used to, the rear not tight but not all over the place but loose......see was wearing jeans so I couldn’t get a good look at her legs but through the jeans they looked larger as well......not all over the place but again more than I am used to. Maybe she is an 8????? Ex was like a 2 sometimes a zero but she has gained weight in the last year.
So no never really been with a curvier or larger type of woman.
But I am that was I like beer and burgers and pizza......I am not hardcore and walk around with a gallon of water. I guess it is my own mental image of what I think I want or am looking for and this is only my third date.
I can’t leave my town due to our D my girls are restricted so if I move I essentially give up my parental rights. When I think about dating people outside of town 20 miles away etc and they have kids then someone is going to have to move if it gets serious and it won’t be me. I know I shouldn’t think this way but those r the thoughts that creep into my head.
G....I will add that I do remember not thinking about my ew one time on the date. I wonder though if I am subconsciously looking for any little thing to disqualify someone from dating because I am afraid.
I size 8?! That's it? Ok, you are going to have to venture in the size 8 zone. Let's be real. The women on the market are women with busy lives, divorces, gave birth..... priorities shift a bit. Not that they let themselves, but it takes a lot to keep up tininess if it isn't in your genes. Your "type" is nearly extinct in your age range, and isn't going to get any better, and when it does, skin will hang. Your exW is pretty much a minority, and if she doesn't starve for it, well, she's got good genes and is super lucky. I work out hard (well, I did) just to maintain fit size 10. I would have to literally starve to get to a 6.
That being said, I have a small experiment for you. Some might think I'm nuts, but hear me out. Check out Ashley Graham, the sports illustrated swimsuit model. She is a 12/14 and insanely hot, and I, as a straight woman, would do her in a second. Then, watch some porn with curvy women. Like women with butts and boobs, and not a tight stomach. I am dead serious about this.
You can't leave your town?! You put that in your agreement? State or a mile radius makes sense, but you can't leave your town else you will give up your parental rights? That's a bit extreme. But if that's what it is, well, I am going to be brutally honest..... you need a teeny tiny woman, who lives very close and a deal breaker is she has to move in with you, who likes the good things in life, but doesn't put on weight?
You have narrowed your pool to about 5 women. You are going to have to be much more flexible. If you are looking for someone who fits perfectly into your box, well, maybe you aren't quite ready. And it's not fair to women. You need to be flexible, and maybe if that woman comes along, you might bend a bit. But you know a real relationship is one where you both bend a bit.
I understand that right now in your life (because I am dealing with a man in a very similar situation) it's really all about you and your kids. Adapting to your new life. Which means adapting someone else's is a real challenge right now.
If you are looking in the short term, maybe something not too serious, who meets your physical match.
I got wordy there, because I am having a hard time wording it correctly.
. So yeah.....I think it is mental for me.....I remember when I first met my ew not being entirely sold on her......