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OrangeK Offline OP
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Originally Posted by NicoleR
I really don't know OrangeK. You could try saying "no, he doesn't act like with me either" and leave it at that.

But he does, and I dont want to lie about my sons behavior or well being, but if i say what I see to be the case "He seems to have bad days after nights he has slept with you, and his behavior backslides everytime i get him back from you"
Itll just start a fight, but its the damn truth, even the Daycare said so to me yesterday.

Originally Posted by NicoleR
Usually when little kids act bad it's because they need more love, connection, boundaries, and quality time with their parents.

He talks about being bored with her, that she doesnt play or read to him anymore. She just keeps him alongside her like an accessory, or pawns him off on her mother. [/quote]

Originally Posted by NicoleR

You can only offer that when he's with you and hope for the best when he's not. Perhaps you can buy some parenting books and send them with your son to your wife and say "I read these books and thought they might be helpful to you too." There's one called "No Drama Discipline" that might be useful.


Thats not a bad plan. I doubt she would read them, but at least it wouldnt HURT.

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Also, i sent the prizes he wont at the arcade over the weekend to her house with him, as he was super attached to them, and proud of them.
They didnt come back home with him.

She would rather bogart his favorite things and keep them at her house like a dragons hoard so all his favortie things are there.

Thankfully his favorite things a REALLY stuff like "Anoo (Canoe) rides with Dada and Uncle"
And going out on "Big Uncles Big Boat", fun with our dogs, and story time with Aunty and Dada.
Not things she can take home with her. smile


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
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OK, that's rough having do deal with the little guy. frown Poor kid has had his world turned upside down and he doesn't have the skills to deal with it. A therapist would be an excellent idea.

Good job on ignoring the baiting text from her. That was awesome and I am proud of you. Obviously, S3 is your #1 priority. And since there is nothing you can do about his time with her, all you can do is the best you can do while he is with you. Obviously, you've been doing that, and then some.

But just keep your chin up. Things will get better. As you've said before, you are his rock. And he will remember this later!


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OrangeK Offline OP
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THe "I hope he was good for you tonight" text pissed me off, because the way she worded it implied she knew he was going to have a bad night.

I just called the daycare to check on him, sounds like the talks we had last night and this morning are helping he "has been much calmer, using his listening ears and keeping his hands to himself"

So it goes to show time with the rocksolid parent helps.


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
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I am still reading along.

You may not see it but you are doing great.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Thanks, Steve, Vanilla.

Just counting down the days till D is final, then the 10 months reaming of having the TRO looming over my head....


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
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O - you're doing fantastic. Yeh, you can't control how she parents and I feel for your lil guy. But, the fact that he has a stable home and you being an involved and happy parent, it's going to make a world of difference. Also know that kids usually act out more in front of the stable parent because they know it's a safe environment and that they won't be disciplined aggressively and abused. You are creating that safe environment for him and that's so good to see. Keep the love, the consistency, and stability steady for him.

I don't know if I had mentioned this on your thread, but I made a list of potential things that I'd want my kids to share when I pass away at my funeral. This gave me a good list of goals about how I should do things now. The list was something like this:

1. I always kept my word and did what I said I would do.
2. Created a loving and safe home that they could come to.
3. Had memories of fun, joy, and laughter
4. I was always there for their hard times and supported them.
5. Showered them with love and affection.
6. Supported their independence; listened to them; actively involved them in making decisions that affected them.

I can tell you that doing these things and making tweaks to my life with them that includes all of this has made a world of difference. It also helped me with my own control issues and allowed me to relax. Both my kids took to it and it's been incredible to see the changes in our relationship by making the above list my priority.


No one is coming to save you!

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Originally Posted by Maika
O - you're doing fantastic. Yeh, you can't control how she parents and I feel for your lil guy. But, the fact that he has a stable home and you being an involved and happy parent, it's going to make a world of difference.

Thanks, I have done the best i can after being thrown into parenthood unawares, then left to do it alone 2.5 years after S3's birth.
Thankfully being at my brothers house has increased my "Parent" to Child ratio from the original 2:1, then I was 1:1, now with brother and SIL, im at 3:1. So i have a great team to work with.
My SIL is disgusted with WIFE's lack of mothering. This is coming from a woman who never plans to have children.

Originally Posted by Maika
Also know that kids usually act out more in front of the stable parent because they know it's a safe environment and that they won't be disciplined aggressively and abused. You are creating that safe environment for him and that's so good to see. Keep the love, the consistency, and stability steady for him.

Hmm food for thought. She claims he doesn't act out around her. I dont buy it, back in November i remember her calling me in hysterics because he wouldn't go to bed and was hitting her and pulling her hair. She was beside herself. So im expected to believe that though his behavior overall has gotten WORSE since November, by a long shot, that his behavior ONLY around her has improved 100%?
I was born at night but not last night.
Odd thing is that i know she just simply DOESNT discipline him, as opposed to doing so too much.
From all S3 tells me, she basically ignores him when hes with her.
I thought he was as upset as he was yesterday because of sleeping at OM's house again, which always upsets him, but he didnt.


Originally Posted by Maika
I don't know if I had mentioned this on your thread, but I made a list of potential things that I'd want my kids to share when I pass away at my funeral. This gave me a good list of goals about how I should do things now. The list was something like this:

1. I always kept my word and did what I said I would do.
2. Created a loving and safe home that they could come to.
3. Had memories of fun, joy, and laughter
4. I was always there for their hard times and supported them.
5. Showered them with love and affection.
6. Supported their independence; listened to them; actively involved them in making decisions that affected them.

I can tell you that doing these things and making tweaks to my life with them that includes all of this has made a world of difference. It also helped me with my own control issues and allowed me to relax. Both my kids took to it and it's been incredible to see the changes in our relationship by making the above list my priority.


Things id Want S3 to say in My Eulogy:

1. That I always put him first, did my best to make sure he had a better life than me.
2. I encouraged individuality, artistic expression, and the ability to be who he wants to be.
3. I show him how a MAN acts, and how a MAN treats the SO in his life, with love, respect, freedom and understanding.
4. I have taught him, Honor, Integrity, Work Ethic, Critical thinking, and to watch out for himself.
5. Through play and vivid imagination, people my grow up into adults, but their inner child need never wither.
6. Perseverance in challenge, be it a physical challenge, a metal challenge, an emotional or moral challenge.
7. Respect yourself, and dont let others walk over you.
8. That I can be trusted, and confided in. About anything.


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
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OrangeK Offline OP
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I saw Bewas post about analyzing.

Guilty of this as well. Even in trying to keep with Going Dark, i find myself very very frequently analyzing any bit of info i can for patterns and repeated themes with WIFE's past R's and my own, as well as OM in my head.

I WAS making charts, and filing out calanders and all sorts of madness back a few months ago. Thankful i picked up my pen to do fictional writing instead lately.

It is in timeframes i was mostly looking at, where i believe she operates on a cycle dictated by her disorder, there are many common themes in the timeframes of her various R's.
but i have put my calendars and graphs away. I think its time they met my Fire Pit.


Below are common points i have gleaned from all the time i shouldn't have bothered spending analyzing her behavior/patterns. Im glad i have put these "conclusions" together, but MUCH MORE glad i no longer waste my time trying to figure S**t like this out.


1. She "hoovers" her previous R usually within the first month or 2 of the new one. She was sending me "remember when" types of texts even through the first 2 weeks of Jan, to keep me attached and pliable to her manipulations. Once the TRO event occurred, all that stopped though. She did the same right at the start of my R with her, contacting her EX.
However her frequency of texts about S3, (and not crucially important ones) has increased in the last few weeks, so more hoovering my occur.

2. She doesnt seem to be able to last more than 2.5 years before cheating, talking to EX's, the sex life dies out, and she begins to think of exit strategies. I think the timing of S3's birth, and the fact that we didnt get married for another 1.5 years extended that for me. Otherwise i would have been discarded around the 2 year mark, but she held on for the wedding.

3. She uses the same tactics, verbiage, excuses and lies each time, just wraps them in different paper for each person in her life, be it Significant others, "Friends", Family, Co-Workers Etc.
Her main focus is the Relationship partners, but other women, mostly acquaintances/friends or co-workers also get run through the cycle of manipulation, triangulation and projection too.

4. She changes her persona, style, appearance and likes/dislikes to match each person, and they seem to overlap, as new guy fades in, personality traits of old guy slowly fade out. Example: The Mountains were our place. It was our home away from home. When she first started seeing OM, she was going to the Mountains a lot with him. Doesnt seem to be the case any longer, in fact i have a serious hunch she always hated hiking and just did it because it made her look good on Instagram.
Hobbies are another fleeting thing for her. Painting, Art, Drawing, Singing, Crafts, Photography, and now Hair. All have been obsessed over in the past, spent money to get supplies, equipment and so on, then 6 months later drops it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Typing that out was empowering actually.
It made me realize how much better i deserve.
I deserve the OPPOSITE. A woman who fights for me, not against me. One who shelters me from hurt, not causes it.
One who comforts me when i am hurt, not salt the wound, or cause it.

I deserve a damn Valkyrie.
An Angel.
and i shall find her, someday.


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
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OrangeK Offline OP
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11pm

WIFE: "How was he at school today?


Also not that I think you would have him out and about this late at night, but there was a fatal crash on the highway tonight, I just need to know you guys are okay"

I looked up the accident, it happened about 3 hours before she messaged me.


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
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OrangeK Offline OP
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Ok since i posted last right around midnight, I have still been confused as hell about the message she sent me.

I think we all know if her estranged husband and child had been in an accident she would have heard about it within a 3 hour window of time.

I know i shouldn't be reading into what she says to me, but this is strange.
The "I just need to know YOU GUYS are ok"

Asking about S3 is one thing, but why pretend to be concerned about me?


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
-----------------------------------------------------
2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD
2 Major breakups.
2 Rebounds
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