Advice on my Scenario Pt. 19 - Valhalla Cometh

[OrangeK]

We learn through mistakes, Yesterday doesn't entirely feel like A total mistake, perhaps a misSTEP.
However it was a learning experience.

Lets look at OrangeK.

Sandi, Steve, Joeseph, Vanilla, Ginger,

Any questions about ME, about how I process these things, my goals, anything really.
What questions or lines of conversation do you think would be beneficial to discuss?

Ask me anything, Open book here in OrangeK-Land.

[Mach1]

It did have an effect on me, Which i posted about, and processed, and dealt with.

I have always been 100% honest here on this board. Posting here dishonestly would completely defeat the purpose.
Yet another unfounded assumption of my mood and actions.

Ok, i am sorry. I apparently, once again, have over stayed my welcome in your threads.

I only ever wanted to help you. I will continue to pray for you finding internal peace.

Did i say over stayed welcome? no. Words in my mouth. I am capable of disagreeing with someone and retaining mutual respect Steve. I would rather discuss, debate and clarify than just say "Oh i dont like what you said, Go away"

Have i struck you as an uneducated or immature person Steve? - No bait here, legit question.

WOW !!!


IF Steve can upset you that much, I can't imagine how you treated your spouse, who you are comfortable with, when she would irritate you....

[OrangeK]

"WOW !!!


IF Steve can upset you that much, I can't imagine how you treated your spouse, who you are comfortable with, when she would irritate you...."

No, you cant imagine, because arguments were never and issue with my WIFE and I, not until the affair.
my WIFE never really upset me until i found out she had been cheating on me.
I was comfortable with a fabricated personality. NOT who my wife really is.
As i said, several times, Steve did not upset me.
Just because i disagree with Steve on a point or two, and we have a back and forth DISCUSSION about the conversation, does not mean he upset me.

"Steve, i would really like to see you try and move away from this image you seem to have of me, pining, and writhing in misery. That is no longer my existence. It has been this way for a few weeks now. "


I would also like to point out the following, which you seemed to gloss over.

1.) "I know 100% in my heart all you aim to do is help, you have made that very clear. you are a compassionate, caring person Steve. that bleeds through in your posts, and it is an endearing trait, especially in this seemingly cold and inhuman era of time in which we live. "

2.) "Steve, I dot hope you understand I was never angry or upset with you.
Peeved, irritated, frustrated?
Sure, but these days it takes a lot to actually provoke legitimate anger from me anymore."

3.) "Steve, i always appreciate the back and forth with you.
Ask me questions and I will give honest answers. "

4.) "I am capable of disagreeing with someone and retaining mutual respect Steve. "

That being said,

I do not appreciate you making assumptions about how i treated my wife. You have never commented on my thread, and doubtfully read the entire thing.
I treat my wife like the woman i believed her to be, an honest, trustworthy caring person. She is none of those things.
I never belittled my wife, spoke down to her, expected anything from her but love and kindness.
So, as i said to Steve, Perhaps you should ASK QUESTIONS instead of making assumptions about how i treated my wife IRL. I find that quite offensive that you would assume a huge flaw in my personality and the way i treated the Mother of my Son and what i thought to be the love of my life, based on my reaction and response to a conversation you didnt take the time to fully educate yourself on.

I came to this board for constructive criticism and support. Steve offers me constructive criticism, and sometimes we lock horns over it. Its happened before, im sure itll happen again. I still appreciate the HELL out of all the support and advice he has given me.

Your post however was just drama for drama's sake, it was assumptive about my demeanor and how i treat my loved ones and i don't appreciate it.
Now, if i was the volatile dissenter you seem to imply I am, would you not expect an angry tirade in response as opposed to a articulated response?

In the future please frame your comments in a less assumptive and accusatory manner, and try to offer a comment that has some developmental structure to it, as opposed to playground finger pointing.

[OrangeK]

We learn through mistakes, Yesterday doesn't entirely feel like A total mistake, perhaps a misSTEP.
However it was a learning experience.

Lets look at OrangeK.

Sandi, Steve, Joeseph, Vanilla, Ginger,

Any questions about ME, about how I process these things, my goals, anything really.
What questions or lines of conversation do you think would be beneficial to discuss?

Ask me anything, Open book here in OrangeK-Land.

So, back to the topic at hand.

[Mach1]

Now, if i was the volatile dissenter you seem to imply I am, would you not expect an angry tirade in response as opposed to a articulated response?

In the future please frame your comments in a less assumptive and accusatory manner, and try to offer a comment that has some developmental structure to it, as opposed to playground finger pointing.

Well, you certainly present yourself that way.

Did I expect that ?

Yea, I kinda did. You have certainly shown that within your threads that I have read.

Not going your way, you lash out, and when that doesn't work, you threaten to pick up your toys from the sandbox and go home.

I'm fairly sure that you are on a public forum, and an advice filled public forum at that. So I am fairly sure that I won't be dictated as to how, when, where , or why I should post.

Developmental structure ?

How about this...

Everything , except what is pertaining to yourself, is an assumption here. EVERYTHING...

There is only ONE person that knows what your spouse is thinking, feeling, or acting...

And that isn't you or anyone else posting here....

Believe it or not, people have patterns of behavior. What seems to hold true here are certain patterns of thought, and actions from a WAS.

Yet there are also certain patterns of thoughts and actions from the LBS. From focusing on every bat of an eyelash, to wondering why they are wearing different shoes that particular day. Or perhaps why they have a certain look on their face.

Everyone that comes here thinks that their situation is unique and different. And while there are subtle differences, they aren't as unique as first described.

All that we have, and it certainly is true here, is what we present to others. What you think is me isn't any of my business, and I certainly will not hold you accountable for my actions or responses to you through my actions.

Truth is perception...

Perception is based on how you present yourself....

So the perception that I am left with, is that you present yourself as educated, argumentative, angry, defensive, superior, judgmental, and have a strong need to be "correct"....

Is it true ??

It doesn't really matter, it is how you have chosen to present yourself.....



I have no drive or desire to argue with you, it serves me nothing. Nobody wins....

I, like everyone else who you have butted heads with, is here of their own free will, using our hard earned experience on which to draw from. so that we can share with you the mistakes, observations, and as you like to call them...assumptions, in hopes that you can refrain from making the same mistakes as we have in the past. Hopefully without having them scrutinized, and argued over.

People who have been where you are now, people who are where you want to be, and people who are walking the same path as you now.

So maybe you might think twice before you berate another poster for showing you some perspective on something that you haven't seen yet. Or maybe some respect to a person that has done the work that is ahead of you, trying to pull you along with them as they go.



And when you have walked a mile in my shoes, then I may allow you to dictate to me how, when, where, and why I can post on a public forum to you....

I wish you luck Orange....I really do...

[OrangeK]

Your original comment offered nothing but a personal insult. No advice, or anything valuable.

So that being said, comment on my thread all you'd like.
Dont get offended when i dont acknowledge what you have to say.

thats all.

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Daycare just called and told me S3 has been angry, violent and disruptive at school.
Im leaving work early to go get him and try and figure out what went wrong.
He has been behaved so well since he got back from my parents.

[OrangeK]

So they daycare yesterday emailed me, letting me know S3 has been being disruptive and aggressive at school during nap times.

I left work early to go get him and give him some extra attention, as it was rainy all day i know he had some pent up energy and was probably a bit upset about that.

He was in a good mood when i picked him up, but quickly showed he was going to be very obstinate and aggressive with me as well.
I had to put him in a time out for hitting me, and then again for the same reason later in the night.

I had him ALL WEEKEND and he behaved GREAT, WIFE has him for a day and a half and his behavior regresses back to garbage.
I have noticed this pattern, as well as him having really hard days ast school on days She has him the night before.
I really want to be able to give her the benefit of the doubt in regards to parenting, but she is showing a pattern of laziness, half measured parenting, and shirking responsibilities like paying for daycare or doctors bills.

It breaks myt heart to see him act like that, stomping feet, grunting instead of talking, refusing to use potty, bad bedtime habits. All behaviors we had made great progress on, that regress as soon as he spends some time with her.
One thing we often disagreed on was setting boundaries for parenting rules and enforcing discipline.
Shes a pushover with him, doesnt discipline at all, and its REALLY Starting to show.

I did have a good conversation with the daycare director and she again reiterated that I am doing a great job picking up the slack, enforcing rules, being responsive to emails and communication from the daycare, and paying my bill on time.
She even made a comment about how WIFE seems to claim to know it all about parenting due to having worked in a daycare before, and that the issues with S3 seem to stem from her side.
This woman has been very very patient with the whole separation and divorce, and certainly in dealing with the troubles S3 has presented at school.

She recommended a child therapist, and I have already started looking into them.
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WIFE texted at about 9pm last night saying : "I hope S3 was good for you tonight"
Almost like she knew he wouldn't be....

I just said "He had a bad day at school, but was Ok at home with me."

She replied "I know i talked to Daycare on the phone today when he was in their office because of misbehaving. It makes me sad hes having trouble. He NEVER acts like that at home with me, does he with you? .
Im glad you had a good night with him"

I didnt reply as this message irritated me, i know as a fact that if he is aggressive at school, and at home with me, and only after he has been with her, that he acts that way with her also.
To assume he is a perfect angel with her and nowhere else is illogical and childish.

How am i supposed to co-parent with someone who will lie about her child like that?
She puts coming out on top of her fabricated drama as a higher priority than the development and mental health of her child.
How can i accomplish any proactive parenting with someone who literally CANNOT be honest? Not ever.
Lying is so ingrained in her persona.
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I have been doing a lot of research on "people Pleaser Syndrome" and the addiction to not saying NO and enforcing boundaries.

I feel this whenever WIFE messages me, like I am obligated to respond. I think this type of mentality caused me to sweep all the red flags under the rug, ignore how unhappy i eventually became and put her needs before my own every time.
I was so invested in falling in love and securing the ideal mate that had been presented to me by The Master Actress that is WIFE, that I ignored the invasion of my life, the overbearing and rapid development of my relationship, and it even blinded me to noticing she was pregnant.

I was so invested in building this perfect life, i didnt take the time to notice all of the reasons I should have been focused on myself any my own well-being.

Doubly so once the relationship became outwardly abusive, and when i discovered the affair.
I instantly forgave, begged and pleaded.
I sacrificed my own self confidence and self respect in a vain attempt to salvage a false, abusive, and parasitic relationship.

I am very disappointed i missed these things, and also that it took such a monumentus event to wake me from this fog.
I regret that I didn't notice these things before marrying, and the legal mire it has placed me in.

That being said, I clearly needed this to happen. Perhaps not to this degree, but who knows, if it had been less bad, maybe it wouldn't have woken me to my own co-dependent and self-destructive personality traits which i can now work to eliminate or minimize.

[OrangeK]

Looking forward to my business trip on Friday too. Should be good for GAL. I dont get out of my home area often, so itll be a nice change of pace.

[OrangeK]

WIFE texted at about 9pm last night saying : "I hope S3 was good for you tonight"
Almost like she knew he wouldn't be....

I just said "He had a bad day at school, but was Ok at home with me."

She replied "I know i talked to Daycare on the phone today when he was in their office because of misbehaving. It makes me sad hes having trouble. He NEVER acts like that at home with me, does he with you? .
Im glad you had a good night with him"

I didnt reply as this message irritated me, i know as a fact that if he is aggressive at school, and at home with me, and only after he has been with her, that he acts that way with her also.
To assume he is a perfect angel with her and nowhere else is illogical and childish.

How am i supposed to co-parent with someone who will lie about her child like that?
She puts coming out on top of her fabricated drama as a higher priority than the development and mental health of her child.
How can i accomplish any proactive parenting with someone who literally CANNOT be honest? Not ever.
Lying is so ingrained in her persona.

Bump for Advice, If i can expect nothing but sugar coated half truths and outright lies, how can i expect to actually co parent here??

[NicoleR]

I really don't know OrangeK. You could try saying "no, he doesn't act like with me either" and leave it at that. Usually when little kids act bad it's because they need more love, connection, boundaries, and quality time with their parents. You can only offer that when he's with you and hope for the best when he's not. Perhaps you can buy some parenting books and send them with your son to your wife and say "I read these books and thought they might be helpful to you too." There's one called "No Drama Discipline" that might be useful.