Advice on my Scenario Pt. 19 - Valhalla Cometh

[OrangeK]

still feeling a bit down after yesterday. I really look forward to the day when she has absolutely no effect on my mood in any way shape or form. I found that I spent most of my evening Reminiscing on happy memories with her, being upset by the tragedy of the loss of a happy family unit. The woman I loved is gone. Whoever I saw yesterday is not my wife, I do not even recognize her anymore, and that really makes me sad. additionally it goes to show how attached I still am and how much work I still need to do there, last week on mornings that she had S3 she was sending me the messages from her room at her mother's to prove that she had slept there. I definitely woke up today hoping that I would have another one and so far I have not. it Grieves me to admit but the thought that not only that my wife left me for another man, but also the fact that the woman I knew and fell in love with truly has gone presumably never to return is Weighing on me heavily today. She seriously is like a completely different person in personality looks style attitude and preferences. it makes me pity her because I know how unstable she is but at the same rate it is a bummer to know, and fully realized and accept that there is no course for reconciliation ever. There is no going back. yesterday was simply a very painful reminder that I need to Press On with my journey forward and alone

[TBSakaJ9]

OK I understand where you are coming from.......it is a slow process but I would encourage you to take this time and invest in yourself. Get to the point to where you are just fine being alone and a complete person without anyone else in it then when you enter your next R you are doing so as a whole person not needing anything from your partner to complete you. If you take your time I can tell you from experience it is a very rewarding journey. Hang in there....better days are coming

[OrangeK]

Likely it is unsatisfactory because they are only giving you enough to try to keep you attached. And that is all they will ever give you.

Life is too short to waste energy on someone that only wants you around as a safety net.

I dont think shes trying to keep me attached at this point. I think that all ended in Jan with the TRO.
Before that happened i would still get "Remeber when" texts, and cute pictures of S3, she was still liking things on my social media, trying to keep me interested and attached, even though i had moved out of our apartment.
Had i not done that, i think the attachment attempts would have continued a lot more aggressively as i would have had access to something she wanted, our home, and a place to store her stuff, and a safe landing pad if OM didn't work out.

I think thats where a lot of her anger came from, me eventually defying her, and setting the boundary of "come home by Dec 1st or I am moving Out"
She tried to call my bluff and not come home, and when i actually did move out, i took away part of her game plan of being plan B.
I was expected to just sit and wait, while keeping her Maritial Household intact and waiting.
That forced her into only having OM as plan A.

Im not wasting energy trying for any renewed or new connection, it just sux when the happy memories bubble up and the realization it was all BS and manipulation is upsetting.

Plus I still battle from time to time with the "I would rather have a damaged relationship where my family is together for S3, than to be separate" mentality.
S3 is talking more and more about how he misses living at "Redhome" and how he misses not seeing Mommy and Daddy together. it breaks my heart.

I struggle a lot over feeling stupid, duped and naive.

I want you all to know my RESOLVE is not at all diminished, and I am still in a MUCH better place.
These emotions do not cripple me anymore, they do not ruin my day, or effect how i deal with other people.

I am not walking around in full blown stormcloud mode.
I just come here to dump the residual negativity as it crops up.

SIL was also gas lighted, manipulated and emotionally abused by WIFE.
She still also gets anxiety in dealing with WIFE.

WIFE's ability to offset people is amazing, all yesterday in the hour leadup to her arriving at our house, the palpable sense of tension was noticeable with myself, SIL and Brother.

[OrangeK]

OK I understand where you are coming from.......it is a slow process but I would encourage you to take this time and invest in yourself. Get to the point to where you are just fine being alone and a complete person without anyone else in it then when you enter your next R you are doing so as a whole person not needing anything from your partner to complete you. If you take your time I can tell you from experience it is a very rewarding journey. Hang in there....better days are coming

Thanks Joseph,

I have been doing a lot more self care, it it shows on the day to day for sure.

My short foray into dating was very eye opening, i am actually looking forward to excelling alone, and really coming into my own being, as a self dependent person.
It was a fleeting desire for human connection, and it was forced, so it was quick to be revealed as not the right course of action for me.
I am waiting for love to FIND ME, and im not putting any expectation or timeline to that.
I am far more interested in becoming better, carrer, living situation, health, habits, etc.

See my previous post regarding how im interpreting my feelings for her lately.
They arent "I miss her and want her back" feelings anymore, just when feelings do pop up they tend to be more along the line of "I wish this didnt happen to me, its a damn shame it was never gonna work, and she isnt who she claimed to be. A disappointment as the person she pretended to be was amazing, but the person she actually is, is someone i want nothing to do with."

[OrangeK]

Also, i May be experiencing some anxiety as my Birthday approaches, My birthday was always kind of a big deal.
She always tried to out do herself for my birthday.
I think because it is the occasion she really solidified our R the first year we were dating.
She did a scavenger hunt thing on my birthday in 2013 that was so personalized and thoughtful it made me cry.
Ever since then she has always done something special for my birthday.
I think im semi-consciously hoping that ill hear from her on Saturday, i need to snuff that expectation/hope out now. i fully intend to enjoy the hell out of my 31st birthday as my 30th, which should have been a milestone, was a terrible disappointment.

Last year, when she had already been seeing OM for months (unbeknownst to me still)
she didn't do much of anything for my birthday, and it was my 30th.
She claimed she was going to take me out on a sea charter, as i had been expressing missing going out on the ocean for some time, but she said she couldn't afford it.

I did get some "enthusiastic" sex last year on my birthday, and she really seemed into it. It was probably the only time in 2017 she was enthusiastic about it. I wonder if that was her WW minded equivalent of "Doing something nice" for my birthday last year. It was good though...i still remember the dress she was wearing.

Either way, I think that the birthday factor may be a large source of the emotional buildup over yesterday and today, after having seen her in person (she didnt see me, as i didn't go outside because of the TRO)

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S3 seems to have a lot to say about how he is bored with her a lot, she doesnt sing to him or play with him like she used to. Or at least thats what he says.
I honestly think OM is doing more parenting right now than she is...

[TBSakaJ9]

OK - I understand my EW walked away from me and my 2 young girls because she was bored, not content, and knew in her bones it wasn't going to work and she made no effort to even try. Just dropped a bomb on me one day and we had never spoke about D before. She told he she was being selfish, she didn't care and wanted no part of MC.

It [censored], it really does and I wish I had something to tell you that will make you feel better. The best advice I can give you is to invest in yourself, focus on yourself and try not to look into the rearview mirror. There is a good TEDS talk about how to fix a broken heart if you are interested by Guy Winch and I also found that TD Jakes has some good stuff out there as well.

[OrangeK]

I feel i am in a good place. Doing sooo much better than I had been even a few weeks ago.
Ive been eating up material off of YouTube on CBT, Self Reliance and a lot of topics focusing on self, rather than the 3 month long crunch session i did on personality disorders and psychology in an attempt to understand and decode WIFE's behavior.

The lead up to, and actual encounter in person with WIFE and OM yesterday just set my scales off balance.
Coupled with upcoming Bday, it is just a tender time, a good opportunity for me to put my new mental and emotional coping methods to work.

Just gotta let the sand pass through the hourglass a bit longer.

Scabs are turning to scars.
The bandages are off though. Progress.

[TBSakaJ9]

OK - It is part of the process. My scales got tipped some in everyone of the scenarios below.

- When she told me she was ready to move forward with D

- When we stood in front of judge and it was final.

- When she told me she had a BF.

- When she told me she was going to introduce my kids to her BF.

I can tell you my scales were tipped less and less each time something happened. The only thing left for me now is for her to tell me she is getting married. Outside of that I don't think there is much left with regards to her. Each time it just gets a little easier.

[OrangeK]

I have a feeling shes going to turn on the waterworks at the final hearing to try and garner some sympathy. Thankful my judge seems to have a good BS Detector, and my lawyer was a cop and prosecutor for 15 years. SO that wont do her much good.

Ive had the thought, and i could be way off here, could just be my "Tipped scales" mindset, but I feel like seeing me causes her shame (not to be confused with guilt) to a crippling degree, which is why she had said "I Cant be normal around you, i get tons of anxiety around you"
Makes the whole TRO thing make a lot more sense.
She found a way to keep me away and not trigger her shame.

Which lends creedance to the "Cry at Divorce" theory.

Again, I am stressing over situations that havent come up or may never. Need to stop creatiung stress.
Sorry for the rut her gang.

Tonight is my Birthday Gamenight Special.
I am going to shift my thoughts over to Sorcerers and Dragons for the remainder of the day lol.
When my real life sux, at least i have an active imagination and can escape into fantasy for a few hours a week,

[sandi2]

Hi Orange, I missed you being around this past weekend, but I was so proud of you spending time with your son instead of on the board. So far.....you are sounding more grounded. It's different from when you swing from an extremely low mood to an unrealistic high, and I sincerely hope you can maintain this level for a while. Focus on just maintaining as long as you can. When your thoughts begin to stray, bring them back to where you are right now.

I struggle a lot over feeling stupid, duped and naive.

The experience is what it is. It will make you wiser in future relationships. Forgive yourself for being human and wanting to be in love with what you thought was your dream girl. Whenever these struggles arise in your spirit, tell yourself that you forgive OrangeK, and accept that experience (in the sense that you can't go back in history and undo it). Let it go, knowing that you are wiser.

Also, i May be experiencing some anxiety as my Birthday approaches, My birthday was always kind of a big deal.

Make plans to do something special for your birthday. Don't dwell on thoughts of what she used to do on your birthday. Don't have expectations of hearing from her. Don't give "her" your birthday by dwelling on the past or the what "if's".

She has robbed you enough, right? So, don't give her your head space.

Either way, I think that the birthday factor may be a large source of the emotional buildup over yesterday and today, after having seen her in person (she didnt see me, as i didn't go outside because of the TRO)

That makes sense. Here is where you can chose a different route of emotional reaction. In other words, you rebound quickly from the emotional feelings of seeing her yesterday. You focus on what is happening around you right now. You focus on staying grounded, instead of allowing your thoughts to send you spinning......as has happened in the past. This will be huge progress, Orange!

I feel i am in a good place. Doing sooo much better than I had been even a few weeks ago.
Ive been eating up material off of YouTube on CBT, Self Reliance and a lot of topics focusing on self, rather than the 3 month long crunch session i did on personality disorders and psychology in an attempt to understand and decode WIFE's behavior.

YES!!!! That's what I'm talking about!