I think I need to really learn to not react and not feel those codependent feelings I get of worrying how he feels. I was very sad after I told him that SS probably couldn't be dropped off with me for his weekend with him. I did give him a solution of SS can be dropped off at my parents too. I felt bad not being able to fix that. I know I shouldn't. This was one of the things that frustrated me about our R. I had SS whether he was home or not on our weekends with him. He would often be working so I had him and our other kids. I never felt appreciated or respected. Even now since the split he has attended family parties with the kids and I and stayed over. The kids are all close. His Mom and I have a good R. But that was always my duty. He would make plans with his buddies not even thinking about the child he gets only a few days a month. I do think maybe this S will help I'm spend more time with the kids. And I think maybe him having to feel the full effects of the separation, as in arranging his own childcare vs just always having me there may help.
I understand the DB process somewhat and am still waiting on the book to arrive, but I guess I don't understand how me fixing myself would ever possibly make him see what damage he did to the R. If I fix me does that make everything better?
I went to my fitness class today. Still working on GAL. I did some.more me work last night. It feels silly that I have to work at it and study it, but I really do. Make some notes to myself to refer back to later. While at my fitness class, I saw one of exF's (estranged) buddies wives. She specifically asked how exF was doing. I told her we were no longer together. The next words out of her mouth shocked me and make me feel so validated at the same time. She said he should be grateful for one day that someone stays with him. It gave me a little wakeup that everything I imagined in my head was not true. I remembered the good times and they seemed to outweigh the bad in my head. I had been thinking maybe if I was nicer and less a, b, c he wouldn't have been the way he was. I felt validated that I'm not crazy and he needs to do a lot of soul searching too. I 100% know that I was not perfect. I controlled too much out of fear of past even reoccurring. I stopped him from his rock bottom in a sense. She went on to talk a little more about him and then we went on to talking about our kids and things. This is the first "outsider" that I have spoken with about things.
I think I have realized that maybe I couldn't "fix" our problems completely on my own. He always wanted me to go to counseling as he always said I am the one who needed fixed. I definitely do need some fixing as well. I have my first counseling session tomorrow. I'm excited and nervous about that.
Still waiting on my book to arrive. I'm eagerly awaiting it's arrival.
My IC session went good. It's so nice to talk to someone that has to listen to you. I did a complete makeover in my bedroom and plan to maybe paint the downstairs in my house this weekend. I need to find more GAL activities. So far they are hanging with my kids, my fitness class and the occasional dinner with my sister or friends. In the past when I have been so go I would go to a bar on the weekends I don't have my kids. I really don't want to do that as it's not really who I am. I like to occasionally go and have a drink or two every few months or so but I don't want to get that started.
My exF called me Wednesday night and brought up R stuff. He essentially thinks he did everything right and I did everything wrong. He said I never excepted him for who he was. I did say to him that I excepted everything about him except for his binge drinking when he would go MIA. And I don't believe that is what defined him. He said he agrees with that, that doesn't define him so I did accept him.
One thing that he said that really bothered me is hat he never had time for himself because he was always doing things to he kids and I. This could not be further from the truth. I guess this is the false reality that everyone talks about. He rewrote the past.
One minute he says down the road he hopes I will come to "his was of thinking", then he says once he gets established he hopes we can work things out. It honestly feels like by so many things that he says that he just essentially wants me to wait around for him. I do think he just wants to do what he wants and when he wants without a family or woman to worry about. I would think that would get old.
If I am understanding correct, I am supposed to be nice and happy when he calls all while conuing to GAL etc. Is this the right approach or be tough love. His thinking is so distorted.
I do know that I would never want to go back to how things were the 2 months prior to the split.
I downloaded a few audiobooks last night. One about getting over relationships, especially ones you're addicted to. Girl, Wah your face, the 5 second rule and then one that's just a pleasure read.
I initially planned to have s at my mother's for exF to get after work. He was going to be working late. I really just didn't want to see him as I seem to feel better when I don't see him. He ended up getting off work early and called to check if he could pick him up at my house. He said he was glad it worked out as he didn't want to see my mother due to guilt and shame (because he left her daughter, his words).
I have been doing some house updates. He commented on some of them and commented that I've been keeping myself busy. He asked who patched the drywall in the living room. He also commented on some things o had moved and rearranged.
I still feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I have the DR book now but am confused on how I implement these techniques, maybe I just need to get further in the book.
Last weekend I kind of got baited into a talk that I shouldn't have had. When he dropped off our S, I was cordial, declined ML and basically said goodbye. He called me a few minutes after he left. He said that he wanted to keep a door open to us working things out in the future and he thought I was closing that door. We did some back and forth talking, which never ends well. I think he was temp checking.
When S was born I gave him my last name. He said this has been a huge deal for him and wants his last name changed. There is nothing that has really changed from the time we had him to now that makes me want to change his last name. I'm not sure it would have changed our relationship. He isn't a very active father. Sees his children the minimum time of every-other weekend. His father was a crappy dad and I think he just doesn't know how to be a good dad. A couple weeks after BD he told S he was going to get him Tuesday of that week. He didn't call or show up. I asked him about it later and he said I should I called him, he would have gotten him. In my mind, I didn't make the plans with S, he did, so why would I call to remind him of what he said. I was doubtful he would follow through when he said it.
