KML- Everyone in my meetings have daily drinkers. So to me, I think mine isn't as bad and maybe I am making it bigger than it is. Having others, like you, confirm my feelings does help. I then think I wasn't crazy. My grandparents drank everyday, all day, so to see that and have someone who drinks every few months, I guess it didn't seem as bad.
It may sound insane but using this as a sounding board, even for only a couple days, has helped tremendously. I have been able to let go of my panicked feeling. Over the years he has threatened to leave before and I either didn't take him seriously or convinced him to stay. This time I didn't do that. But then felt panicked afterwards when it really happened and the house was half cleared. Maybe this is his best chance to see his problems in the relationship because this far, he has seen mine but rarely his. Maybe he will realize the binge drinking and his anger is not part of a healthy relationship. I have taken steps back. Last night he called for no reason, just to see how we were doing. I waited a few hours to call him back, which is new for me. I gave short answers and was the first to get off the phone. I have realized that for us to be back together that he is going to have to do some serious work on himself too. My initial thoughts were get back together and work that out in the process but obviously it's been 7 years and things haven't worked well. The best chance of him looking at himself in the mirror is me getting a life and letting him live his and see if he discovers he has changes to make.
I guess now I just wonder if I had changed things about myself then if it would have changed things in him, MMelisa- Although this statement may very well be true. Your focus on change needs to be squarely on you. Your S has given you the gift of TIME. Use this time wisely- focus on what you can control. Simply put- do some deep self reflection, find out who you are and embrace that wonderful person. Thru out this process like an clay makers skilled hands. Mould this individual into the best version of YOU. Stay positive!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I guess now I just wonder if I had changed things about myself then if it would have changed things in him, MMelisa- Although this statement may very well be true. Your focus on change needs to be squarely on you. Your S has given you the gift of TIME. Use this time wisely- focus on what you can control. Simply put- do some deep self reflection, find out who you are and embrace that wonderful person. Thru out this process like an clay makers skilled hands. Mould this individual into the best version of YOU. Stay positive!
Wonderful advice. This is exactly what I am going to do. I joined a fitness club and started yesterday. They meet a few times a week so this will keep me busy in addition to the kids' activities.
Mmelisa thanks for chiming in on my thread. Just read through hope that I can be helpful in return. I myself am a decade sober at this point and an active Al Anon member also. Just because he isnt a daily drinker does not mean that he isnt powerless over alcohol. And even if he gets sober he isnt emotionally sober which is even more important. You need to pull away yourself (and for yourself) and hope that he hits some sort of bottom to want to change. read Codependent no more if you havent already Be strong!
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
Mmelisa thanks for chiming in on my thread. Just read through hope that I can be helpful in return. I myself am a decade sober at this point and an active Al Anon member also. Just because he isnt a daily drinker does not mean that he isnt powerless over alcohol. And even if he gets sober he isnt emotionally sober which is even more important. You need to pull away yourself (and for yourself) and hope that he hits some sort of bottom to want to change. read Codependent no more if you havent already Be strong!
Thank you Ste7e! It seems the consensus is that our relationship won't work unless he gets sober. He always says the only person with the problem, is me. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking. :-) If you don't mind me asking, what was your rock bottom?
I'm working on myself and know I have things that I need to fix. I am going to try to figure out why I stayed for so long without someone who obviously wasn't good for me.
He said he was going to get our S yesterday and I haven't heard from him. Oh well, his loss. I continued with our plans for the day as I wasn't sure he would actually get him anyways. I've kept myself busy today doing projects around the house that I've been wanting to do. I realized now that for the past several years I've been so focused on our relationship and fixing it that I forgot about the things I enjoy. I love working and doing small things. The kids are also getting used to him not being around.
The ex called today and didn't really want much. Said he misses the kids and I. Bought the vehicle we had talked about getting before the BD. Went some chit chat. He is just going back to work and his boss was upset about our break up. I probably let the conversation go on too long. He told me everything about what's going on in his life. I just don't know what I should say. What should I say when he says he misses us? What should I say when he tells me he tried to tell me all the things I should've changed while we were together? I didn't know what to say but I did tell him that it didn't matter what I would've done from April on, he was looking for a reason to leave. I guess I shouldn't have said that either. He did ask if he could come over to ML. Which I said no, the kids will be home soon from Grandparents. I wouldn't have anyways but again, didn't know what to say. I still don't know how to respond to anything he says?! He also asked if I had a boyfriend yet?!? I didn't give him any details about my life, didn't mention my new fitness classes or plans I had coming up.
So after this conversation he calls again to which I didn't answer. I did sent him a text and say if you're wanting to drop off paperwork that's fine. He text and asked if the kids were home and then said he probably wouldn't make it today. Just so confused.
I did mow the grass and took the kids out to dinner. They had fun.
